Co-Written by Violinmana and Kraken's Ghost
Naruto has always loved plants. For the first few years after Namkaze Minato's sacrifice, Naruto was a charge in the Sandaime's household. When the Hokage was away, a young ANBU named Tenzou looked after the boy. Soon after he taught Naruto how to walk, he began teaching him lessons on respecting nature and the care of plants. When Naruto was old enough to live on his own, one of the first things he did was prepare a garden for his apartment.
But not even Tenzou realized he was one of the village's premier minds on botanics.
A decade later Naruto would become a Sage, capable of drawing Natural energy from everything in his surroundings and balancing it within his vast stores of spiritual and physical energy. It wasn't as difficult a task as many of his peers though. After all, he had plenty of practice loving nature.
But back to the day he entered the Ninja Academy, a month after he moved into his parent's old apartment...
Naruto frowned at the rain pounding on his window. The first day of Ninja Academy and he didn't have an umbrella to take to school with him.
It wasn't fair! He could see the people below with their umbrellas, walking along the road without the rain bothering them. It just wasn't fair.
He sat on the floor heavily and looked around his new apartment. It was filled with the plants the nice ANBU man had given him as a housewarming present. He smiled happily, remember the last two weeks of potting and tending his roommates.
Wait a second... that mayapple. From a certain angle, it looks almost like an...
Curious, he slid open the window, picked up the mayapple and carefully held the canopy outside the window. Sure enough, the rain beaded up and rolled off the leaves as though they were made out of wax. Quickly, he rearranged the leaves so that there were no gaps and...perfect.
Cheering, Naruto grabbed the base of the pot with his hands and ran outside toward the Academy. He left scores of frozen villagers in his wake, staring in a brain deadened stupor from the shock of seeing the Kyuubi brat carrying a houseplant like a wicked totem above his head.
Umino Iruka had just finished calling attendance when Naruto slid open the door to the classroom, dripping plant in hand.
"Am I late? Am I late?"
The teacher just looked down at the roster, seeing the one unchecked name he had been hoping would stay unchecked. Uzumaki Naruto.
He wearily sighed, accepting his fate. Deciding not to question the boy, Iruka flatly ordered, "Just go take a seat."
"Alright!" Naruto walked to the empty row of seats in the back of the classroom. He settles his plant onto a seat, then sat in the chair next to it.
Iruka's face turned red and his temple bulged alarmingly. He bellowed, "YOUR PLANT CAN'T HAVE A SEAT TOO!"
Wide-eyed, Naruto started crying. "But... But... Ringo-chan kept me safe from the rain! YOU'RE A MONSTER, SENSEI!" With fury all over his chubby face, Naruto swooped up 'Ringo-chan' in his arms, and marched down the aisle to stand before the teacher.
To the class' shock, the short blond swiftly kicked Iruka right between the legs. So unexpected was the move, that the Chuunin level instructor didn't even think to react until it was too late and he was lying on the floor.
"Apologize to Ringo-chan, sensei!" Naruto demanded.
Iruka wheezed, then squealed in pain when Naruto's stomp informed him that wasn't good enough.
"S-S-SoRRy RinGO-Chaa~nn!" Iruka warbled in a high pitched voice.
"Ringo-chan may accept your apology, but I never will! Bleh!" Naruto declared, then dashed out the classroom.
Emboldened by Naruto's insurrection, the other kids followed his example and started to marching down to their wounded teacher. Iruka's hopes that they were burgeoning Medic-nins were dashed when they began kicking him for all their worth.
It was a good day to raise ninja.
Later that night, Inochi listened to Ino recount her first day of school.
Although he was a bit alarmed by his daughter gleefully describing how she had, "Kicked Iruka-sensei between his legs over and over again! It was great, Dad!", something she had mention stuck out to his mind. Mentally reviewing what his daughter had said earlier, he kept coming back to the tall umbrella-like tree and the kid who carried it.
"Ino-chan, dear, focus on Daddy and not on destroying your teacher's ability to breed. The plant that boy had, how tall was it?"
"Huh? Oh, it was about as tall as me. It looked really well taken care of. The boy was really cute too. He had blond hair and three lines on each cheek. And he was so awesome defending his Ringo-chan's honor against Sensei." Ino girlishly sighed, while holding her blushing cheeks.
Inochi, of course, knew exactly who his daughter was talking about. Uzumaki Naruto. So, that child had a bit of a greenthumb...intriguing.
"Stay away from that kid, Ino-chan. He's a bad influence," Inochi absent-mindedly said. He ignored his daughter's outraged protests as he made plans to track the boy down. He was going to use any means necessary to know how the hell the little punk had managed to grow a mayflower plant over ninety centimeters, when the largest the Yamanaka greenhouse had ever produced barely topped forty-five.
He was determined to find the secret, no matter what it took. He really hoped it didn't involve any crazy demon nonsense. His wife loved plants too, but not even taking home the Grand Prize at the country fair would save him from her wrath if he sold his soul to the Kyuubi.
Three years later...
A lone shinobi slunk under the cover of darkness to a meeting spot in a small alley near the Hokage Tower. As usual, his associate was already waiting for him, clad in a dark hooded sweater obscuring his face, and sitting on a trashcan. Stealthily approaching from behind, he nudged the shadowy form, "Psst. Hey, got the stuff?"
The hooded figure reached into a nearby dumpster and produced a small bag. "Remember, wear a gas mask before opening this up. Never inhale the fumes. And don't forget to dilute it by at least ten parts to one or else it'll kill anything it touches."
The shinobi snorted. "Of course, we've been doing this for years now. I know the dangers by now. How much for this batch?"
The shinobi hissed under his breath, muttering about highway robbery. He reluctantly reached into his coat and pulled a wad of cash out.
The hooded figure flipped through the stack, then nodded. "Thanks very much. Looks like we're done here for the night."
"NOT SO FAST! FREEZE, YOU DAMN DRUG TRAFFICKERS!" An ANBU jumped down from the roof, shining a highbeam flashlight on the two stunned figures.
Shinobi and dealer froze, then the shinobi shouted, "IT'S THE HEAT! Run, Naruto! Don't look back! You're too young for prison!"
"But Inochi-san, you have to run too! You're too pretty for jail!"
"I'll hold him back, don't worry about me! Worry about the plants!"
"Wait, plants? Inochi? Naruto? What the hell is going on here?" The ANBU demanded.
Before the masked ninja could react, the smaller figure threw a small bag at his face, then dashed away with Inochi hot on his heels.
"GODDAMN POLICE! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE US ALIVE!"
The ANBU swiped the bag out of the air using his superior reflexes. Deciding to check the evidence before he gave pursuit, he pulled it open.
"The hell? Is this just a...bag of fertilizer?" He muttered in confusion.
Then the aroma of the bag's contents hit him.
"Oh. My. God! The smell...like a field of dead cows on a hot summer day. I... can't... take... it..." Losing consciousness, the ANBU toppled forward, only his mask saving him from a humiliating death of drowning in fertilizer.
"Kakashi. Kakashi! Kakashi!" The Sandaime Hokage's voice snapped like a whip. "Do you remember where you were last night?"
Kakashi shook his head in a futile attempt to clear it. He airily replied, "I was... uhh... I think I was patrolling the area around the Hokage Tower."
"Good. What happened last night?"
"I... I came across two people who I think were drug dealers."
"What? Oh right. I'm sorry, Hokage-sama, I don't remember anything else."
"According to the medics, you were facedown in a pile of fertilizer when one of Chuunin found you and dragged you out of the alley. You were lucky that you had your mask on, otherwise, you would had drowned in it."
Sarutobi could almost swear that he saw Kakashi's mind click. "Oh yeah, the short one was saying about how you must never inhale the fumes."
Sarutobi sighed. "And how much of this concoction did you inhale?"
"Kakashi? Kakashi? KAKASHI!"
"Huh? You say something, boss?"
"Right. Enjoy your retirement from ANBU."
Kakashi just distantly nodded, before wandering aimlessly around the Hokage's office. The Sandaime watched in bemusement as the lanky man hopelessly tried to find his way to the open door right in front of him, before somehow smacking his head on a coat rack and crashing to the floor.
Sarutobi sighed and pocketed his pipe.
"I'm too old for this shit." He grumbled as he slowly dragged Kakashi's prone body out the door and left him in the hallway.
And so, Naruto's green thumb continued to have disastrous effects on anyone with the misfortune to cross his path. Until the fateful day he was tested by his soon-to-be and now permanently damaged Jounin commander...
"SPECIAL TAIJUTSU TECHNIQUE: ONE THOUSAND YEARS OF PAIN!"
Propelled by the pure force of Kakshi's asspoke, Naruto sailed through the air, his howls of agony only ceasing when he landed in the river.
Kakashi's one eye gleamed in dark victory as he grimly muttered, "That seal on your ass won't let you make any more of your damned fertilizer, brat."
Now if only sealing the punk could return his ability to read clocks...
Sakura: I really do love you, Naruto.
Sasuke: I'll come back to Konoha, if you want to gay it up together.
Naruto: Sorry guys, I'm already spoken for. Megumi-chan is my one true love.
Sakura & Sasuke: Who is Megumi? We'll kill her!
Naruto: *Eyes turns red* No one threatens Megumi.
-Later at his apartment-
Naruto: *Watering a plant* It's a lovely day, isn't it Megumi-chan?
Naruto: *blushes* Oh, you tease.
259. "Itachi respects Kakashi not for his skill as a ninja, but for his massive tolerance for narcotics."