(Yes … another new story by dogbertcarroll, when he really should be finishing his old ones; the Bastard)
Disclaimer: Neither he nor I own any commercial property of any real value, or we would have sold it for crack long ago; now here we are sharing our crack with you. Probably in a non-sexual manner (you pervs) but no guarantees.
Xander examined his costume in the mirror again. Ethan hadn't had anything in his price range, but what he had was a box of partial outfits he'd let Xander have for a song.
Putting together an outfit had actually been pretty easy once he'd remembered an early X-men character that copied other mutants abilities. If he remembered it right, the guy got up to five mutant abilities of his choice at a time, but Xander had only found three partial sets that fit together well.
He had Cypher's classic black and yellow New Mutant outfit, with Magik's soul sword and partial armor, topped with Wolfbane's hair, eyes and teeth. Not a bad effect really. He barely recognized himself with the short red hair and green eyes, much less in skin tight spandex.
A battered trench coat and fedora quickly joined the ensemble, as all teen boys knew better than to tempt fate when a light breeze could give them a stiffy. Xander mentally added private detective to his character's resume as he nodded in satisfaction at his reflection.
"I'm sorry I don't have any candy," Joyce said, looking drool worthy in an Elvira outfit.
Xander stood silently for a moment before answering, "I can't think of a single comment to make that wouldn't get me slapped at this moment."
"Xander?" Joyce asked, recognizing him now.
"Of course the words trick and treat really aren't that helpful right now and… my god you look gorgeous! How do you feel about younger men? Have you got any applications I can fill out for the pool boy position?" Xander babbled.
"We don't have a pool," Joyce said in amusement.
"Do you have a shovel? I can get started on one. Or considering the fact that most accidents occur in the home with the bathroom being one of the main sources of danger, just for safety's sake you may want to hire me as life guard and towel boy for your tub. For your own protection of course."
Realizing that he was likely to stand there babbling for the next half hour she turned to enter the living room and was rewarded with the most realistic wolf's howl she'd ever heard outside of the real deal.
Buffy rushed down the stairs. "Where's the wild animal?"
"Hey Buff," Xander said absently, still drooling over the retreating Joyce, who was unaware she'd put an extra sway in her hips.
Joyce smiled to herself as she finished painting her fingernails in the kitchen. It was so nice of Xander to pretend he was attracted to a woman twice his age. Buffy's shout of "No! I won't call you daddy!" made her reconsider. 'I still got it.'
"You can't marry my mom!" Buffy growled.
"I know that," Xander replied, seemingly unconcerned about the angry Slayer. "I was just kidding about calling me daddy."
As Buffy calmed down Xander asked with forced nonchalance, "You've got to be at least 18 to marry in California, right?"
Xander fell on all fours, his armor and sword vanishing as a wave of magic rolled over him changing him into his costume and his costume changing him into a wolf... Tangled up in a trench coat and spandex outfit.
Michael wrestled his way out of the outfit, wondering what was going on this time. There were days he really wished he hadn't joined the X-men, well the New Mutants really, but than all of the X-gene club seemed to have in for him. They were either trying to get him to be a hero or accusing him of being a villain. He was really beginning to wonder if the energy used to power mutant abilities was drawn from the portion of the brain that held their common sense.
He finally managed to wriggle free, only to find a redhead yelling a name at him he'd never heard before.
"Oh, great, you've been turned into a wolf and I'm a ghost. We have to find Buffy and fix all of this," the redhead babbled.
A scream broke the silence.
"Buffy!" the redhead cried out in alarm. "Uh, heel boy?" she tried and Michael decided he might as well go with the scantily dressed redhead as she seemed to know some of what was going on. Well that and he liked the view.
The redhead quickly homed in on the source of the screams, running through objects like Kitty Pryde with Michael following along jumping over those same obstacles.
"Get away from her!" the redhead yelled, swinging her arms through the small goblin looking creatures who were attacking a dark haired girl dressed in some poofy medieval monstrosity.
Everyone involved was surprised at the sudden flash of light that came from the redhead, who was now wearing the right arm and shoulder piece of a suit of armor and wielding a silver sword.
The two goblins ran in fright while the redhead froze for a moment. "Ok, whatever works, I guess."
Michael just stared in shock, knowing exactly what her having that sword meant. The redhead was his soul mate, and not in some crappy teenage romance novel way either. She was the person whose soul complemented his and she looked damn good in that tiny miniskirt too!
Michael sniffed around the living room, finding traces of all three of them having been there before, which fitted with the red … Willow's explanation about who they were. He was of two minds about it really, being him was both a blessing and a curse… and now he wasn't.
A scream from outside interrupted his train of thought and recalling what a chore it was to get Buffy to open the door to enter the house, he simply jumped up and turned the knob with his teeth, before yanking backwards on it to open the door.
"Great, it's bad enough he's a wolf, but now he thinks he's Lassie," Willow muttered as Xander ran outside.
Cypher's powers kicked in as he ran toward the scream, translating the hairy creature's roars into, "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Stop screaming before I rip your head off!"
"She's only screaming because you're chasing her," Michael barked back, thinking he was lucky that this language was well suited to a wolf's vocal cords.
The creature stopped and stared as the girl continued running into the distance. "Holy shit! A talking wolf!"
"Yes, and see the girl's gone and so are her screams."
"Thanks," the large hairy being barked thankfully, "you have no idea how painful that was. It was like an ice pick in my ears."
"I'd advise hiding out somewhere until things calm down and you can sneak off to someplace less noisy."
"Thanks, I'll do that," the large creature growled before lumbering off saying, "I can't believe I met a talking wolf."
Willow stared at Xander as he re-entered the house and pushed the door closed. "Did you just save a Big Foot from Cordelia?"
Michael nodded and climbed up on the couch to lie down.
"I have to tell Giles what's going on, he'll know what to do," Willow said. "Stay here, Xander will guard you," she promised before vanishing through a wall.
"Good doggy," the noble woman tried, and Michael gave his best stupid dog impression and put his head in her lap.
"You're even bigger than a Great Dane aren't you boy?" Buffy scratched his head and he dutifully wagged his tail, enjoying the sensation when a faint odor started to prick his nose right before it was eclipsed by the smell of hair gel and leather.
Leaping off her Michael stood between her and the kitchen, growling deeply.
"Easy fella, nice doggy. I'm not here to hurt anyone, I'm just here to make sure Buffy is ok."
It lacked a heartbeat but not sincerity, so Michael moved back to the lady's side and assumed a guard position, letting the intruder know to watch his step.
"Buffy, are you ok?" he asked gently.
"My name is not Buffy, its Catherine," the lady said firmly.
"Ok," Angel replied and sat down in a chair. "Do you know what's going on?"
"A nice young ghost with a sword and a habit of walking through solid objects in her underwear said she was going to find a Sir Giles and he'd resolve things."
"Huh, I guess we just have to wait for him to call. Would you like for me to put the tea on?"
"Yes, that would be lovely," Catherine replied regally.
"I feel like I should be out doing something," Spike said with a sigh.
"Sorry Master, but Dru's orders are clear. We are to keep you here no matter what or else a wolf will remove bits of you that she quite enjoys and then she will remove those same bits off us," the large vampire guarding the door to the lair said nervously.
Spike laughed. "And I can hardly get mad at you for making sure I keep my bits. Fine, I'll stay in but someone has to go to the store and get me some more whiskey. Now, who's up for some Scrabble?"
"Go keep an eye on Buffy and Xander, I'll take care of things at Ethan's," Giles said, grinning savagely.
"Will do," Willow promised and started running to Buffy's, mentally wondering why she was doing more running as a ghost than she ever did when alive.
She arrived breathlessly at Buffy's to find Angel and Buffy having tea, while Xander had immobilized someone dressed as Dracula by attaching his teeth to their groin.
"Vill you let me go unharmed? If I svear to leave peacefully and not return?" the Dracula wannabe asked in a pitch a bit higher than normal.
"That sounds reasonable," Catherine said calmly as Michael released the costumed vamp who quickly ran out the kitchen door, which Michael then closed and locked with a bit of effort.
"Oh! You're back," Catherine said with a smile, her eyes making Willow feel even more under dressed for some reason.
"Um, yes," Willow replied blushing. "Giles said he'd have everything cleared up shortly."
"Thank god," Angel said gratefully, "it's chaos out there. Thanks to Xander its been relatively calm in here though."
Willow beamed at Xander before she stumbled and began to fade, vanishing a moment later.
"Nobles were complete pervs!" a red faced Buffy declared, ripping her wig off before she and Angel turned to Xander who was rolling around on the floor in wolf form in a great deal of pain.
Michael/Xander felt like they were being torn in two as the spell tried to remove everything that wasn't Xander, and Michael's mutant power fought to keep empowering him.
As the pain became too much to bear he instinctively used a light disc to teleport to the X-men's infirmary as he'd been trained to, leaving a stunned and worried Buffy and Angel behind.
In a dark alley Cordelia Chase slapped the shit out of a former pirate before making him start over at her directions.
Willow pulled the sheet off her as she sat up. "It feels so good to breathe again, but something feels missing... I better go check on the others."
"The future's in Chaos! Removing him should have created less not more."
"From Chaos springs Order, you are ordered by the Highest to fix this mistake and not interfere again."
AN: Typing by Godogma without whom I wouldn't have posted most of my stuff.