Princess Zelda often wondered how she managed to be lucky enough to get stuck with the Hero of Time; today was one of those days.
"Link, when I say 'tour of the kingdom' that does not mean take the foreign ambassadors up to the summit of Death Mountain." She sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose in frustration. It almost wasn't worth it.
The Hero of Time shrugged looking as out of place among the royal decor as he always did when she had to summon him for god knew what reason. Why did it have to be a Hero of Time? Why couldn't her kingdom have been saved by flying monkeys or giant walrus or even a giant spasm of uncontrollable magic? Anything was preferable to the fairy boy.
"You know they call it Death Mountain for a reason, namely the fact that most people that travel up it fall to their iminant demise. Or are crushed by flaming rocks, or killed by giant tarantulas, or a number of very pleasant deaths. Namely the fact that they all involve dying." Here she paused, wondering if any of the words were sinking into his brain or if the next time she brought foreign politicians into the country he would have the brilliant plan to take them to the Guerdo Desert.
"I thought they wouldn't die." He answered, but of course he was lying. Link wasn't stupid, he was an asshole, he was destroying her kingdom singlehandedly but he wasn't stupid.
"You brought them up Death Mountain and you thought they wouldn't die. Well, that's just wonderful."
Her country clearly was doomed, she sighed again wondering just what she was supposed to do with foreigners. It was a small wonder Hyrule had little to no tourism, the only person capable of giving anything resembling a tour in Hyrule conveniently managed to get all his clients killed.
"He should have known to step out of the way," Link again shrugged, clearly bored by the conversation and wishing to get on his way. Although what Link did in his free time was beyond her, and frankly she didn't want to know.
"How was he supposed to know a giant flaming boulder was going to crush him? Link not everyone has gone trooping up the countryside dressed as a hooker, not everyone knows the perils of walking up a mountain that spews giant rocks every five seconds, not everyone knows they're in grave danger of being crushed and that it's generally a good idea to step out of the way." At least random spasms of uncontrollable magic didn't intentionally kill off anyone, you couldn't blame the random spasms of magic those things just happened. The Hero of Time however did not.
"There goes marriage, there go heirs, there goes the economy, and well just about everything else. Thank you Link, once again you have managed to single handedly ruin everything I try to accomplish."
"You're still alive." Interjected the too damn clever for his own good Hero of Time. Spending all those months down in temples clearly hadn't been good for him, or her country.
"Yes Link, I'm still alive." She said softly wondering once again if it was really worth dragging him all the way to the palace so that she could lecture him on the importance of keeping her political allies alive while they toured the country.
"You know what I miss," The Princess said in her most agitated voice, glaring at the Hero of Time from her throne. "I miss when you had a conscience. Even if it was a glowing ball of light with an obnoxious voice at least it kept you in check."
Link blinked once before lowering his head so as to better understand the wisdom behind her words, he didn't have to say anything for her to understand the sarcasm in the picture. Really, she missed when she had been too stupid to understand how much he made fun of her.
"Because now I have to keep you in check, I have to make sure you don't wreck havoc upon the countryside. My parents are dead, I am heirless, my throne is in peril and if I don't find someone to marry within oh five years I'll end up marrying you." Here she glared for effect, her eyes running over the ridiculous outfit he insisted on wearing despite the fact that he was no longer a ten year old. "And trust me Link, I will make your life miserable if I have to."
"Understood, Princess." Had he been a soldier she would have expected he salute after this, but Link chose to be Hyrule's unofficial savior meaning he could be as rude as he wanted.
"Please for the sake of my sanity, get out of my castle."
She didn't want to think about how he managed to get into her castle in the first place, she had been extra careful to make sure the guards weren't drinking on shift clearly somewhere along the line she had failed. She needed to find a way to set an alarm system.
Zelda had never been overly fond of princes, with their foreign accents and their snotty manners, stepping on the ground as if it were staining their pristine shoes. Frankly she wished she could do without them, but it was part of the job description.
But not liking princes didn't mean she wanted the dead, maimed, or any other horrific future that could possibly await them in Link's tender care. And she most certainly didn't want to know what sort of a war all this bad tourism would bring her, because some foreign king would be heavily disappointed at the loss of their heir.
And when the time came to point fingers it would be at her. She couldn't just pop up and say, 'Oh, I'm terribly sorry but it was my Hero of Time's fault. You see he's a psychotic jealous narcissistic murderer and the only one who knows his way around Hyrule, I'm terribly sorry he lead to your son's imminent demise.' No, that never went well.
"You got him involved in a Goron drinking contest…" Zelda closed her eyes attempting to count to ten to see if it would dispel any of the anger and frustration. She watched as the poor prince gasped for breath, trying to inhale air around the rocks lodged in his throat.
"Yes." Link admitted with another one of his damn shrugs. This was not a shrugging matter, the prince couldn't even walk, he was probably blind.
"Link, Gorons are called the 'Stone Eating People' for a reason. Namely that they eat rocks, now what would a drinking contest consist of?" She didn't wait for an answer, because he wouldn't give her one the clever bastard. "Rocks Link, this poor chap got into a drinking contest with the King of the Gorons. Little did he know he was drinking rocks. You let him drink rocks, now what did I say about not maiming guests in my kingdom?"
She waited watching as Link raised a blonde eyebrow as if to ask what she was talking about, she wanted to smack him but she persevered and glared instead.
"You said I wasn't supposed to kill him."
"Yes, Link I suppose I did. But I also implied that he was supposed to make it home in one piece."
"He is in one piece."
"There are rocks lodged in his throat, tell me, how is that conducive to his health?"
"None of him is missing, he just swallowed a few rocks."
Zelda sighed, running over in her mind once again why it was never a good idea to throw Link in a dungeon. More often than not he managed to find his way out and make her life even more miserable than before.
"He swallowed, eight pints of rocks Link, he should be dead. He's lucky he's still breathing. Do you know how many red potions I had to poor down his throat?"
Link raised his other eyebrow as if to question her, he knew how many he was there for the operation. She decided to remind him, so that this time it might stick in his brain.
"Eighteen red potions and he looks like that. If I poured eighteen red potions down your throat you'd be overdosing, you got that fairy-boy?"
He nodded and proceeded to exit the room looking every bit like the ten year old he had been seven years before, her kingdom was doomed.
The next prince he lost in the Guerdo Desert, which was almost as good as being crushed by a boulder on Death Mountain. Zelda was pounding her head against a pillar of marble when the Hero of Time found her.
"Saria told me that you can lose brain cells by doing that." Link said once her head had stopped throbbing long enough for her to make out his words. She winced at that, where had Saria been when Link had been learning morals.
"Have I ever told you Link that your soul is an appalling dump heap? Filled with the most deplorable rubbish imaginable, tangled up in mangled up knots." She asked in a tired 'kill me now I'm still stuck here with you' voice.
"Once or twice." He answered shortly, waiting for her to continue. The terrible about Link is that he gave you full charge of the conversation, you could look like a complete idiot and he would never tell you until about seven years later.
"Well, it's just a reminder. Do you know what the desert women do to men they find in their desert?" She asked feeling once again the vague impulse to smash her head against a wall for good measure.
Yes he did the lying bastard, he had been there. She remembered clearly his sun tan after riding through the desert and sneaking through their prisons, Link knew to tread lightly when confronting the Guerdo women.
"Well first they stick them inside their prisons, deprive them of water and food, and then chop their balls off."
Unfortunately they had found Link exceedingly handsome and had asked him for sex, so Link remained alive and in one piece, honestly you couldn't count on anyone these days.
"The Guerdo Desert is a part of Hyrule, and you asked for a tour of the kingdom." Link reminded her, which was true. But when she said 'tour of the kingdom' she meant the safer parts. Such as places that didn't have the word 'death' or 'shadow' or anything similar in them.
"Link, if you don't get out of my sight in five seconds Guerdo prison will look like a Great Fairy Fountain compared to what I'll do to you."
Link had the good sense to leave the way he came and not look back.
"Sometimes I think we should just dig a hole in the middle of Hyrule, put a warning sign in front of it, and stick you inside feeding you every six days or so. What do you think Kokiri boy?" Zelda asked as she gazed at the once again unscathed Hero of Time who had conveniently lost the last prince in Lord Jabu Jabu's belly. Honestly, he could at least afford to be creative when killing off her suitors.
"He wanted to feed him."
Zelda bet he did, and she also bet that Link had no protestations when the poor unfortunate Prince dangled the fish in front of the monstrous thing.
"And did you rush in after him after you noticed that he had been swallowed?"
"No, of course not."
She loved that, he rushed in for Princess Ruto but he wouldn't dare enter for some goddamn prince.
"Well, I didn't want to carry him out again."
"Why do I keep you alive, fairy-boy?"
"You enjoy tormenting me."
She wasn't sure how to answer that, because while it was true it wasn't quite politically correct. She also kept Link around because he was good protection against dark magic, and basically the laws of the land as far as the goddesses were concerned. Crossing Link meant crossing the golden divinities of Hyrule, which Zelda was not prepared to do.
But it was a nice idle daydream all the same.
"No, I keep you because if I don't all hell will break loose."
Link appeared to be trying to decide whether that was a good thing or a bad thing. Zelda wondered if her time was better spent bashing her head against marble pillars.
"You know I always wonder why the goddesses chose you. They could have chosen anyone, someone sane would have been nice, but instead I get stuck with the sword happy boy in tights. Link, I haven't said anything for a long time now but there is a reason Kokiri children don't grow up. Please for god's sake get some pants and wear them, you look like a whore."
Someone had to say it, and judging by the look on the Hero of Time's face she was the first to have a problem with it. But what did he expect, she couldn't spend all their meetings trying not to look at his skin-tight tights.
"This is the part where you leave the room and don't come back for six months."
It was bound to happen eventually, she knew it had to happen, but eventually she ran out of eligible princes to marry. Either they had heard of the death trap known as Hyrule, or been sent home limping and severely injured with the inclination never to look at the tiny kingdom of Hyrule ever again. She didn't blame them, if she was in their situation she wouldn't either, Hyrule came with baggage.
The worst of the baggage being a young man in tights otherwise known as the Hero of Time. She watched him as he sauntered into the throne room, not even pretending to bow, really the unchecked arrogance was horrendous. She nearly groaned, but she was doing it for her country not for her happiness.
"Why couldn't you have just married Ruto and been out of my hair?" She asked, preferring the irrelevant points before she got down to business. Being the ruler of Hyrule her one chance to vent was her sessions with the fairy boy.
"She's a sage." Link shrugged, it was enough of an answer. Sage's couldn't marry, which in Zelda's eyes was a major problem because if they could then Link would have been a Zora prince since he was about ten years old.
"Right, I forgot." She didn't forget she was just hopefully wishing it was otherwise. Perhaps once Zelda had found Link dashing, perhaps she had even found him heroic, but the truth was she couldn't stand the brat. He was too damn clever for his own good, he was always watching for something that no one else could see and he was damn creepy.
Good lord he would be a terrible king.
"I'm sure you've figured out why you're here today," She knew he knew, it had been months since she had sent a foreign prince anywhere near Hyrule. There was a moment of silence in which the Hero of Time refused to show whether he knew or whether she was going over his head. He was going to make her say it the little fiend.
"No one will marry me, because no one wants to deal with you. As a result, unless I have several bastard children Hyrule has no heir and it definitely doesn't have a king unless I decide to cross dress again. This leaves me only one possible option, I have to marry you." She paused here for effect watching as his eyebrows raised in horror, it couldn't have been worse than the moment Ruto announced that she wouldn't be able to marry him. He clearly was overreacting.
"I warned you, I did warn you. I said, 'Link, if you don't stop maiming those poor princes you'll end up a Hylian King.' And look what happened, here we are. Me, husband less; you, bride less—don't act so shocked it doesn't suit you."
"King of Hyrule." Link repeated, probably wondering how in hell he had suckered himself into that situation.
Zelda was having prophetic images of the horrors of Link ruling Hyrule, the death of thousands of chickens, drinking parties with the Gorons, dear god her castle would be trashed. It was almost worse than the Ganondorf visions, at least those hadn't given her migraines.
There was a moment of silence, that extended into a minute, which turned into ten minutes, finally Link looked up again from his musings and asked, "So what now Princess?"
"I'm King of Hyrule, what do I do now?"
"You know I don't actually know, probably provide me with heirs and pretend to be wise and powerful."
"Are we doing the heir thing now or…"
Zelda looked about the throne room, she wasn't even sure Link knew how to have sex. Being a ten year old for most of his life Link had missed the finer points of sex education, so heirs might be somewhat awkward…
"That can wait…"
As usual, it seemed that Hyrule was doomed.
Author's Note: This is why Link shouldn't be king of Hyrule. Reviews anyone?
Disclaimer: I don't own The Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time