I just found out that one of my ex-best friends had almost successfully committed suicide. The only thing I could think of do is write my little heart out. So, here's what I came up with.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, but I own the feelings.
I had hung up the phone with a shaky hand and teary eyes. Mrs. Gray had called me with the worst possible news in the world. I started to shake as the sobbing started, and the tears freely rolled down my face. It felt like my heart was being crushed by the weight of the world. My throat was closing up leaving me unable to breathe. I collapsed on the floor, before curling into the fetal position.
I found myself wishing that things had ended better between us, so maybe, just maybe, I could have saved him from this. Things had simply fallen apart during our relationship, too much stress put on it from his touring and my endeavor at Cornell. We just simply decided that it would be best for us to continue our lives without each other.
But, I should have known that he needed me. I was his greatest confidant. I knew that he had a million issues at home. I knew that his father would beat him. And, I knew that he was depressed. But, I still left him to fend for himself. I knew that he couldn't take on everything life threw at him alone. I should have stuck around because he needed me.
There was a knock on my apartment door as my stomach projected the contents of my stomach onto the floor. I was still a whimpering, sobbing mess, and my legs would give out from under me if I tried to get up. The pounding on my door continued as I pushed the ways he tried out of my head. It was the only detail that I begged Mrs. Gray to tell me, but she denied me the knowledge.
"Mitchie, I'm coming in," Caitlyn said, as I remembered that she had a key to my apartment. I didn't want anyone to see me like this, not even my best friend. But, I couldn't get my throat to open for me to protest.
The door flung open. I watched her scan the room before her eyes landed on me. She rushed over to me, worry evident in her eyes. I clutched onto her T-shirt, pulling her into me. She collapsed onto the floor next to me. I needed something to hold on to, something to remind me that life will go on.
"Come on," Caitlyn said, heaving me up, as I tried to get my legs to not give out from under me. I felt like a horse trying to stand up for the first time with no assistance. Caitlyn helped me walk into the hallway, with me almost leaning all of my weight on her.
We got into the elevator, as Caitlyn propped me against the one rail. I still felt like the world was trying to tear me limb from limb. It wasn't fair. It finally occurred to me that I was still in my pajamas with no shoes, and I still had tears constantly running down my face. Caitlyn helped me out of the elevator, through the lobby, and into a cab.
"I just... He..." I started to say before I just gave into the constant sobs. Caitlyn started to rub my back as I fell over sideways onto her lap.
"Shh. Baby," Caitlyn whispered as her hand continuously ran over my hair and down my back. Repeat. The only thing that occurred to me was that I needed to see him. I needed to make sure that he was okay.
I kept thinking back to the times when he would come over to my dorm, a complete wreck, with new scars on his arms, haphazardly covered by Band-Aids. I would stay up with him until he fell asleep on my bed, or Nate came to get him. I had never thought there would be a time when he actually would try to take his own life. He always assured me that he was never suicidal; he just needed a way to stop his heart from hurting.
"You know, Nate told me to get you," Caitlyn said, once I had stopped my chest from wracking so hard. I still felt like I couldn't breathe, and I didn't even try to sit up on my own. I felt like a rag doll with the life sucked out of her.
It had been a long time since we had talked in person, but he never left my mind. I was always thinking about him, wondering if he was safe and happy. I just wanted him to have the best life he could ever imagine. But, I just wished that I could have been his savior, his knight in shining armor. I promised to always take the pain away from his life.
"I should have been there," I managed to squeak out; in between the moments when it was hard to even breathe. My stomach flipped like I was going to puke what little still remained in my stomach.
I was overwhelmed with the guilt, and it was starting to eat me alive. I curled onto Caitlyn's lap, ignoring every rule I had ever learned about being in a moving vehicle. Seatbelts saved lives. At this point, I wasn't even sure if I should be living. How could I let him slip through the cracks?
Caitlyn grabbed my hand, and squeezed it as the cab came to a complete stop in front of a building that I passed everyday on my drive to work, but I never gave it two thoughts. Capital District Psychiatric Center in Albany, NY. Now, here I was, standing in front of the large sliding doors, almost unable to breathe on my own.
"Come on," Caitlyn said, not releasing my hand as we walked into the building together. I had nothing else to do, but to be strong. I ignored the fact that I looked like hell. Caitlyn hushed some words to the elderly lady at the desk, before she led us behind the doors.
The elderly lady gave some directions, that I wasn't paying attention to. I looked down at my fuzzy blue slippers, as Caitlyn started to lead me to a small waiting area, where I saw the rest of the Gray clan. Every single person looked distraught and distant. My heart sank into my stomach as Caitlyn led me to a chair next to Nate, who gladly took my other hand in his.
We all sat in the small waiting area, holding hands, dealing with the matter at hand in our own way. I watched Mr. Gray pace the length of the room, before turning on his heel, and repeating the motion. Mrs. Gray was weeping into Jason's shoulder, while Caitlyn and Nate held one of my hands. Everyone had tears running down their faces, not saying a word. And, I knew that everyone was silently praying.
"We feel that it would be best for only one family member to see him tonight," A doctor in a long white coat said, slowly approaching the group. Mrs. Gray's tear stained cheeks looked up at the doctor, before looking towards me.
"I'd be honored if you would go," Mrs. Gray shakily said to me. I tried to swallow, as my throat started closing up once again. I slowly nodded, biting my lip.
"Are you his sister?" The doctor asked me, as I dumbly remembered that I wasn't supposed to be here. This was a family issue that was at hand. I was just some girl that had strongly impacted his life for five years since we met at Camp Rock.
"Yea," I managed to get out without vomiting on the doctor. Caitlyn rubbed my hand in between hers, as Nate squeezed my other hand.
"I'll just give you a moment before I take you to him," The doctor said, walking away with his white coat flapping behind him. I looked at Mrs. Gray with red eyes that I was sure any stoner would be jealous of.
"I shouldn't," I said, my voice cracking in the process of my protest. She stood up from next to Jason, and walked over to me. She sat on the coffee table nearly three feet away from me. She placed her hands on my knees, her face streaming with tears.
"You were the best thing that happened to him, Mitchie," Mrs. Gray said, as I nodded. I didn't feel strong enough to actually go in there and face him before he had even seen anyone else.
"You were always there for him. Always," Nate added, as a bubble rose up in my throat, taking away any ability to speak.
"And, whatever happened between you two, is over," Caitlyn said, as Mr. Gray left the room, clearly fuming. I took my hands away from Caitlyn and Nate, before burying my face into them.
"Why?" I asked, as the words hung in the air between us. Everyone knew that it had meant, but no one wanted to express an answer. I lifted my head from my hands, only to prop my chin on them, "How?"
"No one knows exactly why," Mrs. Gray softly said, before stroking my hair on the side of my face. Even though I had never been in direct touch with her, she was still comforting and welcoming. She was hands down the best person I had ever met.
"And, I found him with an empty bottle of pills and a deep cut on his arm," Nate gently said, as I saw the doctor walk back into the picture. For some reason, knowing what had happened to him, put me at more ease than when the phone call just occurred.
"Ms. Gray," The doctor addressed me, as Mrs. Gray kissed my cheek. I slowly stood up, unsure if I would be able to walk after all of this.
"Can she just walk me there?" I asked the doctor, knowing that I wasn't going to make it there without wanting to melt into the floor. The doctor nodded, as Caitlyn was quickly by my side. It was the longest walk of my life to his room.
"Just go on in whenever you feel comfortable," The doctor said, walking over to the nurses' station which was just like ten feet away. Caitlyn squeezed one hand, as I tried to clean up my face with the other. I felt like my stomach stopped lurching every five seconds, and it was becoming easier to breathe.
"I'm ready," I said with my eyes closed. Caitlyn let go of my hand before giving me a tight hug, which I gladly accepted. I held her tightly, until I felt like it was time to let myself into the room. She let me go. I gave her a very weak smile, as I laid my hand on the cool metal handle. I pushed the door open, and walked in bearing my pajamas and all.
He looked like he was sleeping in a very bland room that looked innocent as anything. I noticed that it was a private suite. I pulled up a chair alongside his bed, and sat down. I put my hands over the white bandages on his left wrist, ignoring the plethora of new scars. My eyes started to fill with tears all over again because I wasn't able to save him from this hospital bed.
"Please don't cry," I heard Shane roughly say, as I looked up, some tears broke the barrier. They started a new rampage down my cheeks. I bit down on my lip, hard, to stop it from quivering.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, barely making any noise at all. I closed my eyes, as tears still managed to escape from under my eyelids. I was almost glad that I found out about this before I had gotten all dressed and made up.
A silence fell in the room, but it wasn't awkward like I had been imagining. It was serene, peaceful, comforting, completely welcomed. My hands were still over the thick white bandages. I pushed the nights where I was the one cleaning out his minor cuts out of my mind. The last thing I needed to do was linger on the past. Soon enough, his calloused hand was resting on top of mine.
"Why?" I asked, my voice cracking in the middle of the syllable. I opened my eyes, only to see that he was crying too. I tried to scoot closer, but only ended up hitting my knees on the metal frame of the bed. He patted my hands.
"I was done. I didn't want to be here anymore," Shane honestly said in a tone that broke my heart. A fresh wave of tears started flowing.
"But, you said that you never wanted to die, only numb everything else," I said, as my eyes physically hurt from the expelling of salty tears.
"Things change," Shane shortly said, as I tried not to think about life without Shane all together.
"What happened?" I asked, thinking back to the past where he would sneak into my dorm room in the middle of the night, "There was always an incident that triggered it all."
"No incident. Just the pressure of everything. I finally cracked," Shane said, as I removed one of my hands from under his. I laid it on top of the pile of hands over his bandages.
"You could have called," I lamely offered up, knowing that every night I prayed that he was better than the day before, that his life was finally turning upwards.
"I know," Shane softly said, taking his unbandaged hand, and lacing his fingers with mine, "But, I figured that I was leaving, so I wanted to do with as little complication as possible."
"Are you happy that Nate came in when he did?" I asked, disguising the blunter question: If he was happy that he was alive? He gave me a weak smile through his tears.
"It wasn't my time to go," Shane said, as a huge smile broke out on my face. I was suddenly deliriously happy, even though the red eyes and tears might say something else. I don't think any words have sounded so perfect in my entire life. The smile bubbled into laughter, pure joy.
"Thank God," I said, leaning over to place a kiss on his cheek. The laughter had ended, and the smile even faded. But, my heavy heart was starting to rise from the middle of gut, which gave me hope that he would truly be okay.
I am so sorry for the crappy ending, but I just can't get my emotions in check. Between stopping almost every paragraph because I felt like I was going to throw up, or the fact that I could barely see what I was typing. I just had to stop. It became too painful.