Author's Note: DO NOT take this seriously omg. o_o Based on a conversation from several years ago.
Had a lot of fun with this while I'm terrifically disgusted with what I've done. It's so... Dialogue. D:
Warnings: Uh. Probably not as funny as I think it is. Foul language. Sexually suggestive themes.
Disclaimer: Not making money offa this.
"Hmm?" Craig didn't even look up from his PSP.
"...Can we have a threesome?"
This time, he did look up.
"What?" He gave the brunet on the floor a disgusted look of disbelief. Said brunet met his gaze quite seriously from his spot on the floor, looking over his right shoulder.
"I think we should try a threesome," he confirmed. Craig rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to his game.
"Only you, Clyde..." he said under his breath. "And who do you want this threesome with?"
"I dunno..." Clyde turned toward the TV, leaning back into the couch that Craig was sprawled out on. "Some chick with big boobs."
"And what makes you want a threesome with some chick with big boobs?" Craig ventured.
"It could be fun," Clyde suggested quietly, shifting in his place. The carpeting made it impossible to get very far, though.
"...'Kay." Craig paused, but he wasn't done yet. "And why big boobs?"
"Don't you like big boobs?" Clyde quizzed he boy on the couch.
"I like your big boobs," he replied, not missing a beat. Clyde frowned and placed a hand on his chest.
"Hey, leave my man-tits outta this."
"But I like them," Craig stressed again.
"Well they don't like you," Clyde huffed, pouting for good measure. He felt like he should just stay silent and pout a bit more, but after a minute of it, he remembered his original message. He looked back up at his lover with pleading eyes.
"But seriously, Craig. Threesome?" Craig slammed his game down onto his lap dramatically and sighed. He once again met Clyde's eyes.
"Dude, what is the big deal?" he ground out. Clyde sulked again and lowered his gaze.
"...I miss tits." Craig huffed in exasperation.
"Clyde, fuck. Go watch some porn if you miss tits so much."
Clyde slammed his fist into the couch cushion, then stood up to point a dramatic, accusing finger at Craig's face.
"I didn't sign up for this! You are neglecting my needs!" he shouted.
"Uh. Check again," Craig once again found more interest in his game than Clyde. "I believe it's somewhere in the boyfriend clause; 'Thou shall not hunt for pussy while engaged in the act of cock sucking,'" he quoted.
"You made that up," Clyde scoffed, but he dropped his hand. He decided to sit on the couch, choosing Craig's legs as the most opportune spot for his ass.
"Nuh uh. You're not allowed." Craig slid his knees up, drawing his legs out from under Clyde's descent path so they wouldn't get sat on. "It's like... the law. Ask. I dare you."
"But, Craaaaaaig!" Clyde whined unsexily, resting an arm on top of Craig's knees so he could put his chin on his arm. "It's not like I want her all to myself! I want to share her with you!" Craig raised his PSP up to block Clyde's pathetic, pleading eyes from his view.
"Maybe I just don't wanna share you with her," he grumbled.
"...So it's a very no, then?" The hope dropped entirely from Clyde's voice.
"It's an extremely no," Craig affirmed, and that was that.
"Oh..." Clyde sighed and got off of Craig's knees, sitting back into the couch's cushions. Craig remained indifferent as he lay with his back on the arm of it.
"...Would you have said yes if I'd asked for another guy?"
"Clyde, Goddammit!" Craig turned his game right off and placed it on the side table, then sat up cross-legged. He glared hard at the boy beside him. "If you can't have JUST me, give me one good reason I should give you ANY of me!"
Clyde looked down at the floor, red in the face from being yelled at. He attempted to lighten the mood by offering Craig a sly smirk.
"Because my hot, hot body turns. You. ON."
"But mine just doesn't get you hot and bothered at all anymore, is that it?" Craig frowned.
"Well it does, it just... I can't titty-fuck you, or motor boat you." Clyde raised his hands palm-upward, and looked at Craig as if he understood what poor Clyde was missing. "I just miss my essentials of teenhood." They both watched each other, waiting for any further development. Eventually, Craig sighed and relaxed back against the crook of the couch. He looked at the TV.
"Well, shit. I'll buy you a blowup doll. You can titty-fuck it to your heart's content while I ram you from behind."
"That's not the same!" Clyde whined ungratefully.
"How is it not?" Craig raised his eyebrows. He lifted his right hand, palm upward. "Blowup doll." He repeated the action with his left. "Big boobed girl." He mimed the tilting of a scale. "Both are useless. Both are brainless. Both are plastic. There you go: Poetry." He accented the final word by holding his hands even.
"Jesus Christ, Craig... No wonder you're a fag," Clyde mumbled, crossing his arms.
"Speak for yourself, dick licker."
"As if you've never licked dick before, right?"
"Hey, I don't deny what I am."
"And I suppose I deny who I am?"
"No, you just hide it behind a pair of double-D's."
Clyde opened his mouth to respond, but he stopped himself. Once again, he resigned.
"Fine. Look. I won't ask for a threesome anymore," he submitted. Craig smirked mischievously, though.
"I wasn't kidding about the blowup doll..."
"Craig, I don't want a blowup doll!"
"Why not?" Craig sniggered. "We can name her after your mom."
"DUDE! SICK!" Clyde picked up a throw pillow and shoved it into Craig's face. Craig batted it away.
"No good?" He grinned maliciously. "Maybe I'll buy you a ball gag instead." Once again, Clyde appeared speechless for a moment.
"Y—you're into that..?"
"You didn't protest," Craig observed with a glint in his eye. "Should I get you a matching pair of handcuffs, too?" Clyde had to think about the options for a moment before answering. He turned a worried eye to Craig.
"You'd leave me! The way they always do in those movies!"
"I'm not that cruel," Craig deadpanned. Clyde knew better. "Look at me naught with those accusing eyes!" Craig shielded his face from Clyde's glare. Eventually, Clyde turned back to the TV.
"...If you're going to the sex shop, pick up some more condoms. Token and I tried to make balloon animals out of the last ones."
"Fuck, you guys are such children!" Craig punched Clyde's shoulder.
"Ow! We made one for you, but Rex popped it." Clyde nursed his shoulder a bit dramatically.
"I hope he choked on rubber," Craig muttered, not entirely fond of Clyde's smelly old dog.
"I hope Stripe gets dug up by a hungry rat!" Clyde retaliated in anger.
"Leave my dearly departed out of this!" Craig defended. Clyde shut up and thought to himself for a moment, when something rather silly occurred to him.
"Are you going to bury me in a shoebox when I die, too?" He thought aloud.
"Depends on how much head you give me," Craig replied easily, closing his eyes and crossing his arms behind his head. "At this rate, you'll be lucky enough to get a shopping bag."
"Go fuck a pig!" Clyde sneered.
"Get on all fours, bitch, and I'll have you squealing in no time," Craig smirked.
Clyde sighed and rolled his eyes, but Craig opened his own eyes just in time to watch Clyde get down on the floor.