Ivy? Baby, I'm Lucretia

She remembers that time when she was nine, and Brittany was crying about something. The boys had pushed her off the gym equipment (they had to go down a pole for a PE game, and Brittany was scared because she thought there were things hidden in the tanbark that could eat her). Brittany got sent off to the sickbay, but her best friend was left there to be angry.

The boys looked various degrees of angry, amused and guilty, depending on which one. Santana wanted to kill them all, but she didn't think it would end well.

Finn Hudson wouldn't meet her eyes – she wasn't sure how much he actually had to do with pushing Britt (because Finn was actually nice), but it made her mad that he'd cower.

So, mid-way through her rant, she walked right up and kissed him on the lips.

"Gave ya cooties."

Finn looked like he wanted to die. Everyone spent the next two months making fun of him for it, because they were nine, and nine year olds were stupid like that. Finn didn't like her very much after that, though he did apologize about a million times to Brittany.

It seems fitting that something like that was her first kiss.

She likes the way things work. Sure, she thinks it would probably be better for her if she was in Quinn's place, top dog – but being the trusty lieutenant works out pretty well, even though she knows Quinn wouldn't really trust her to hold her purse. But whatever – she barely even likes Quinn Fabray. The girl is one of her best friends, but that's not because they get along; it's because the high school pecking order dictates, and it would upset Brittany. And Santana likes it that way.

Santana Lopez gets what she wants – she's one of the most popular girls in school, she gets decent grades (maybe not crazy good like Quinn, but respectable), she has friends she can rely on and friends she can't, and she gets her obligatory stud footballer player boyfriend, who doesn't really care who she fucks (yeah, she's going to dump him soon, but whatever). It doesn't really make sense in the way things are meant to, but she doesn't care. She's a dumb crazy popular teenager, acting like a dumb crazy popular teenager.

She doesn't need to be Quinn Fabray – girl is boring, girl is sad. Just being around her makes you feel depressed. Santana wonders how Finn doesn't hang himself.

He seems to like her now – well, he seems more or less indifferent. But she's his best friend's girlfriend, so he puts up and shuts up. Finn is still the only person dumb enough not to notice Puck been in love with his girfriend, Quinn, for like, ever, but that's Finn for you.

Santana Lopez enjoys being a popular chick, one of the bitches in charge. She doesn't think about any of their rule.

And she sure as hell doesn't think about that little Glee club. Not for a second.

She's not quite sure what happens next.

It's Finn's fault, obviously: joining Glee club, getting Quinn to spy on him, Quinn roping her and Britt along because Quinn's annoying like that, and Coach Sylvester getting all crazy and getting them all to be spies (Santana doesn't actually know why Sylvester cares so much, but hey, everyone's got to have a hobby). It's annoying, but she deals – she probably should quit because of the major damage it's doing to her rep, but Sylvester would kill her.

And soon she finds she doesn't want to leave.

It's weirdly easy there; the singing and dancing is pretty fun (honestly, for the girls in that group she's second only to Berry and maybe Mercedes), and she should just be irritated at the losers she's forced to hang out with, but she's not really. She finds herself smiling a lot around them without having to try much, and that's freaking bizarre.

She's not all that surprised at herself when she sticks by Quinn during the pregnancy thing; slapping that Hannah chick for spreading rumors – even if Santana doesn't really like Quinn that much, there are rules for girls, and you do not hang a chick in that situation out to dry. Santana has some morals.

She is surprised at herself when she winds up joining the Glee kids for some of their random crap – and not really regretting it.

What is this shit?

She blames Finn. It's a little irrational, but what can you do?

She blames him for being too dumb to see the way Puck looked at Quinn. She blames him for being to dumb to see the way Quinn look at Puck. She blames him for being too dumb to see the way Quinn looked at him. She blames him for being so much like an overgrown puppy she can't help but feel sorry for him.

She blames him for being dumb enough to let her and Brittany try and get to him; separate him from Berry (she said she wouldn't screw up Glee club, and she was sure it was true, but that's scary).

Thing is: Finn used to personify the social pecking order. He was the top, and no-one really knew why, but no-one really cared. He was their king; he didn't wield any of the real power – that was all her and Quinn and Puck – but they needed him, like a beacon of hierarchy.

And then he became the king who ran away and went to grow oranges somewhere. And he dragged them all down with him, and he didn't even have the decency to do anything that let her feel genuinely angry about it.

She misses the way it used to be; simple and orderly.

So she blames him for starting this mess in the first place.

She gets bored. She gets pressured by Sylvester.

She sleeps with him.

She does it because the fraction of her that cares hates him for wrecking things.

She does it because the vast majority of her doesn't care.

She does it because she stopped understanding a lot time ago.

She does it because it'll piss everyone off, which is something she's good at.

She does it because he says yes.

She does it because he doesn't say no.

She does it because she remembers the way Brittany cried when she got pushed.

She does it because she remembers how ashamed he looked.

She does it because she remembers how he didn't look back at Kurt Hummel crawling out of dumpster.

She does it because she misses him.

She was his first.

If he gets Berry back, the girl will get Santana's cooties.