"What He Couldn't See" by Courtney (fall into your sunlight)
Summary: When James and Kendall are stuck in the apartment together and a crazy storm causes a blackout, James is plagued with horrible nightmares and Kendall is concerned about his friend. Will James open up about his past? oneshot.
Paring: slight Kames (Kendall/James) -can be viewed as friendship or romantic, whatever floats your boat-
A/N: James angst…enough said. Not much else to know.
Also, I dedicate this to LaceyLovebirdd for her love of sugary James/Kendall nicknames :D which I didn't fail to put in this fic :D and because she's my new FF friend!
James's brown eyes snapped open and his pupils darted around the dark bedroom. He could feel his hair stuck to his forehead from him sweating so much and he was physically shaking. He had another nightmare.
Right now, all he wanted to do was go find Kendall and sit with him. Kendall would know that something was wrong even if James didn't talk about it, and he would still try and calm him down. But James was too shaken to move and his only source of light at the moment was the semi-constant flashes of lightning coming from outside.
James felt himself flinch when the loud crash of thunder rattled his ear drums. Involuntarily whimpering, he pulled his blanket up higher, as if he was trying to hide himself. James hated thunderstorms. And he hated the dark even more. But nobody knew that except for Kendall, and even though he knew, James never told Kendall why he was so afraid. It wasn't something James actually wanted to talk about.
Another crash of thunder and James flinched again. "Ken-Kenny?" he winced at how much his voice was shaking when he tried to call his friend's name. He heard a moan from the other side of the room, followed by a flash of lightning. "Kenny!"
Kendall moaned again and forced his eyes to open. He strained in the dark room to see but when his vision finally cleared up a bit he saw James curled under his covers. Forcing himself up out of bed Kendall stumbled over to the light switch and flicked it up.
Kendall flipped the switch down, then up again, and the lights still didn't come on. 'Oh, shit' he thought looking over at James. Kendall knew better than anyone that James couldn't stand being in the dark. Hearing his friend's shallow breathing, he knew he had to think fast.
"Just calm down Jamie, I'll be right back." he said and then left the room.
James stared at the door as it started to creak shut, stopping almost halfway. Oh, how he wished that Kendall didn't leave him. He didn't want to be alone right now. He couldn't see anything, not even his hands in front of him. Sitting in the dark, he felt the air become thicker and he couldn't breathe as good. James just knew that somebody was in the room with him…
James laid on his bed, in too much pain to move. His father had just finished beating him and then he sent him to his room. He laid there, staring at the door, half expecting his dad to come in and hit him some more, but instead all the lights in the house shut off. It was deathly quiet as James slowly sat up in his bed and looked around. He couldn't see a single thing in his room; it was pitch black. Then he heard his door open slowly.
"I'm back James." Kendall said walking back into the room. "Turns out the power's out from the storm, and we're the only ones left in the apartment." James didn't say anything so Kendall just continued. "Carlos and Logan are god knows where, and mom and Katie haven't got back from the store I guess." James still didn't say anything and Kendall sat next to him on his bed. James tensed up immediately.
James felt the other side of his bed sink a little when some extra weight was added. He felt someone run their fingers through James's long hair. He still couldn't see a thing.
"James?" Kendall shook him slightly. "Hey, you alright?"
"Fine." James choked out through gritted teeth. He was still tensed up and gripping the blanket in a white knuckle grip. Kendall got a good look at him when a flash of lightning lit up the room; a look of pure fear was all over James's face.
"James…" Kendall placed a hand on his shoulder.
"You've been a bad boy James." a low voice said in his ear. James's recognized that voice; it was his father. "You've been a bad boy and you need to be punished."
"I'm fine Kendall." James flinched away from him. "Just don't touch me, please."
"Oh…kay?" Kendall said slowly, taking his hand away from James. "Do you want me to go get some flashlights or something?"
"Yes please." James whispered in a child like voice that broke Kendall's heart. He knew that James was probably scared right now but he had never seen him so… so terrified before. He was literally shaking right before him and Kendall didn't know how to help him.
"Kay, I'll be right back." Kendall said and got up, leaving James once again by himself in the darkness, nothing there to comfort him but his own mind, which at the moment was taking an unhappy trip down memory lane.
Mr. Diamond grasped James's hair in his hands and forced him down on his bed. He pinned one of his arms down and climbed on top of him. James thrashed around, trying to get his father off of him. Tears started to fall down his cheeks but he was too afraid to say anything. Mr. Diamond kept James's arm pinned to the bed as he flipped James over so he was laying on his stomach. He then stripped James of his clothes.
James felt his eyes tear up as the visions of just barely a year ago haunted his mind. He didn't want to think about it anymore; he just wanted to get up, find Kendall, and tell him everything so Kendall could make him feel better. But for the second time, he just laid there, crying, and unable to move .
James thrashed around harder, but his father's bodyweight kept him pressed down on the bed. His eyes widened in pain as his father raped him.
More mental images that he didn't want to see and James felt like he was going to be sick. He threw himself out of bed and ran out of his room. But the second he stepped in the hallway, surrounded by more darkness, he couldn't move. He wasn't alone, he knew that. His father was behind him and he was going to get him again. He was going to hurt him again…
"Kendall!" James screamed, his heated face being cooled by the tears that streamed downwards. "Kendall!"
"Don't bother screaming James." Mr. Diamond hissed in James's ear. "No one's gonna hear you over the thunder…"
Kendall had never heard anyone scream so loud in his life and he figured if he didn't get to James fast enough his throat would explode. So running as fast as he could, rapidly shining a flashlight around so he could see, Kendall got to James and held onto him tightly.
"It's ok, it's ok. James, I'm here." he said, trying to calm him down.
"Don't let him hurt me, Kenny." James whimpered, shaking under Kendall's touch. "Don't let him hurt me."
"Nobody's gonna hurt you, it's ok." Kendall said, wrapping his arms around James. He could feel James's tears soak his shirt and his heart broke even more. He rubbed his back and whispered in his ear. "Shh, just calm down. You're ok. I'm here. I'll protect you."
James whimpered again and Kendall squeezed him tighter. In all the years that Kendall knew James, he had never seen his friend breakdown like this. If there were three things anybody knew about James it was that he never cried, he never admitted when he was scared, and he hated to be viewed as weak. And right now, James was crying his eyes out and he looked pretty scared and weak to Kendall, which only gave him the urge to go and beat somebody up. Someone had to have really fucked with James to make him this way and Kendall didn't like it one bit.
When Kendall felt James calm down a bit, he placed his hands on James's shoulders and looked in his eyes. "You ok now Jamie boy?"
James nodded, sniffling.
"What was all that about?" Kendall asked, brushing James's hair out of his face, causing a small flinch from the taller boy. Kendall was more confused after that.
"Just had a bad dream." James mumbled.
"Yeah no shit." Kendall said with an eye roll. James smiled weakly. "What the hell could've scared you that much?"
"Don't worry about it." James adverted his gaze to the floor.
"James, I can't not worry about it. C'mon, talk to Kenny." James bit his lip and Kendall had to physically raise his head so they were looking at each other again. "Was it that Saw dude?"
James raised his eyebrow. "The saw dude?"
"Yeah what was his name?" Kendall snapped his fingers. "Chop saw?"
"Right him. Did he scare you?"
"Why would Saw scare me?"
"Well it was the last movie we watched before we fell asleep and it kind of makes sense…" Kendall trailed off and James just rolled his eyes. "Well if Saw didn't scare you then what did?"
"Something much scarier than Saw." James said, his voice softer.
"What's scarier than Saw?"
James took that moment when Kendall stared at him with his jaw dropped to grab Kendall's flashlight and walk out into the living room. Kendall blinked before turning to run behind him.
"Wait James, what are you talking about? I mean, I know you and your dad didn't have the best relationship but he never…" Kendall stopped short and looked at James, who was sitting on the couch. His head was bowed and he was nervously twisting his fingers in his lap, the flashlight sitting next to him, giving him enough light to see around the room. Kendall walked over and sat next to James. "Your dad never… hit you did he?" he asked quietly. 'Of course he didn't' Kendall thought. 'James would've told you if his dad ever laid a hand on him. Or James would just attack him back. But then again, James never was the best fighter…'
James bit his lip but didn't say anything. The thunder from outside filled the silence between them as Kendall waited for James to say something. But James had too many thoughts swimming in his mind to reply.
"Dad, I'm home." James pushed open the front door of his house. Yanking the key out of the lock, he kicked off his sneakers and dropped his book bag on the welcome mat before going into the kitchen and grabbing a banana from the fruit basket on the counter. Peeling his snack, he dropped onto the couch in the living room and turned on the TV. But he wasn't really watching it; instead he just leaned back and shut his eyes, trying to rest before his father got home from work.
No such luck.
Only a few moments later the front door was opened again. James jumped with a start and looked at the door.
"Hey dad." he said trying to control the shakiness that was taking over his voice; it always shook when his father was near. It wasn't something he could help either, his father just made him nervous.
Mr. Diamond's dark eyes looked into James's bright brown eyes.
"How many times have I told you not to leave your shit by the front door?" he asked in an unusually clam voice.
James mentally cursed himself. How could he be so stupid? Jumping up as quickly as he could, James picked up his things and then tried to bring them to his room, only to be stopped by his father grasping his long brown hair.
James winced as he felt the tug of his roots. His father always appreciated his long hair at times like theses; times when he was about to lose his temper.
"You're fifteen years old James." his father hissed in his ear. "How many times should I have to tell you to pick up your stuff?" his voice was growing louder as he spoke each word.
James whimpered in pain, not knowing how to respond.
"Answer me!" Mr. Diamond growled.
"I don't know!" James blurted out. Another mistake. If there was anything his father hated it was when James didn't know an answer. There was nothing more his father hated than someone stupid, and James was just that. Mr. Diamond threw James forward and he stumbled over his own two feet, trying to keep himself standing. He turned around to face his father, fear written all over his face. His father started towards him and he moved backwards until his back was pressed against the wall.
He was stuck.
"No daddy, please don't hurt me!" James begged, his voice trembling as much as his body was.
Mr. Diamond grabbed the collar of James's shirt, yanked him up and then slammed him back against the wall.
"When are you ever going to be a man James?" he asked, before pulling his arm back and backhanding James. James's head snapped to the side. He could taste the blood in his mouth.
"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry. I won't do it again…I'll try harder, I swear…please, just stop. Don't do anymore. Please" all James could do was beg but he knew it wouldn't change anything.
"Stop? Stop? Why should I stop?" his father roared, slamming his head against the wall some more. James winced in pain, squirming, trying to get out of his father's grasp.
"Maybe if you weren't such a failure your mother would still be around to save your sorry ass."
James hated it when his father spoke about his mother like that. He missed his mother so much, all day and everyday; She was the only person who could make him feel better, even after his father made him feel worthless.
"You're the reason she left you know." he father continued, shaking him slightly. "She left me because of you!"
James shook his head no, he could feel his pulse quickening as his father tightened his grip in his shirt.
"I'm sorry." he gasped out. "I'm sorry daddy."
Mr. Diamond threw James aside, causing him to crash into the end table. The combined force of the throw and James's weight caused the table to shatter on impact. James lay there, breathing heavily on top of several broken fragments of wood.
Slowly he eased himself up onto all fours but his father put his foot down hard on his back, knocking him to the ground. James's body fell on shards of broken table and he could feel the sharp ends in his stomach, cutting him. He could feel the blood soaking his shirt. Mr. Diamond kept his foot on his back, pushing him harder and harder onto the table pieces.
"How many times have I told you not to call me daddy?"
Kendall watched as tears rolled James face. His friend sat there, unmoving, crying before his eyes and Kendall had no idea what to do.
"Jamie?" he whispered.
James sniffled and wiped his eyes when he realized that he was crying. "I'm sorry." he whispered.
"You have nothing to be sorry for." Kendall said soothingly.
"I should've told you this a while ago." James said, his voice still quiet, more tears forming in his eyes.
"Told me what?" Kendall asked, fearing the answer.
James swallowed. "My dad did used to hit me." he said. "A lot."
Kendall closed his eyes, fearing he might start crying next. "Why didn't you ever say anything?" he asked.
"Because he told me nobody would believe me." James turned his head so he was looking at Kendall. "But I knew that wasn't true. You would've believed me, and Carlos, and Logan, and your mom… but I guess he figured that out because then he told me if he ever found out I told someone he would kill me." James's voice started to crack at the last few words. "So I knew I couldn't have told you, it would've been to risky. B-but then after that one night…" James held back a sob and looked away from Kendall. "I wanted to tell you but I was so scared…"
Kendall could feel his eyes welling up with tears. He blinked once and they spilled down his cheeks. "What night?" he asked softly.
James let out another sob. "It was raining… kind of like tonight… and my-my dad was so mad at me. And later, the power went out in my house and it was so dark… I couldn't see anything and he came in my room. And then he started touching me…"
James shook his head as more tears fell down his cheeks. "And then he… he r-raped-"
James stopped talking and turned to look at Kendall, who was crying as well.
"Jamie, don't tell me anymore." Kendall wrapped his arm around his shoulder. "Don't tell me because I'm about to go find your dad and murder him."
James smiled weakly and wiped his eyes.
"Is that why you're so afraid of thunderstorms and the dark?" Kendall asked. James nodded and Kendall pulled him into a hug. Then, as if on cue, more thunder cracked from outside and James flinched.
"It's ok, it's ok." Kendall chanted in his ear. Kendall could feel James's tears seep through his shirt and Kendall cried some more. Lightning lit up the room and James squeezed Kendall tighter. He started shaking again and breathing heavily, and it took Kendall twenty minutes of hugging him, three kisses to the head, and constant whispering in his ear, telling him it was all going to be ok, before James calmed down again.
"Try and go to sleep." Kendall said, lowering James onto the couch so he was laying down. James grabbed his hand.
"Please don't leave me."
Kendall smiled lightly at him and laid down on the floor next to the couch, not letting go of his hand. "I'm not going anywhere Jamie."
James smiled. "Thanks Kenny."
Kendall handed James the flashlight and held onto his hand until he drifted off to sleep. He wasn't sure how long he was asleep but after what felt like a few hours his hand fell to the floor.
"What's going on?" Kendall mumbled sleepily.
James's rapid breathing and whimpering woke Kendall up faster than cold water being thrown on him by his mom and he climbed up on the couch, sitting next to him. He wrapped his arm around his shoulder and squeezed him tightly. James rested his head on Kendall's shoulder.
"I'm sorry this happened to you James." Kendall whispered to him. "If I could, I would take all your pain away from you."
"You're doing a good job so far." James whispered in reply. Kendall smiled and rested his head on top of his. They sat that way until James fell asleep… a peaceful sleep might I add.
A/N: I seriously hate myself for hurting James so much D: but I got this idea one night and since my first fic got good feedback, I couldn't help but to write this one. I look like a dork uploading two stories in one day but I don't care(: I really like this story anyway.
Oh, and if you listen to "Shattered" by Trading Yesterday (the story version) while you read this, you just might burst into tears like I did. That's like the Kames angst song lol.
So anyway, opinions? Let me know!
-Courtney (fall into your sunlight)
A/N2: i had to edit some things with this so here it is again lol.