Title: Is He Naked?
Notes: This came about after a very silly conversation with Jazyrha over whether J'onn could be classed as naked as he makes his clothes when he shapeshifts... Also my beta hates beta-ing Wally babble speech :P My thanks to Jazyrha for writing some of this with me.
Batman was enjoying his peace and quiet. There was no one else in the control room of the WatchTower. J'onn was learning more about human culture in the observation dome and Superman was with Flash who was currently demolishing the cafeteria. The world was calm, with no sign of any impending apocalypses, but Bruce should have realised that the statistical probability of him having a restful day aboard the WatchTower after so long was less than zero point six percent. The first he knew of the approaching disaster was a red blur zipping around him, babbling nonsensically.
"Flash…" The blur slowed marginally. "Wally, repeat at normal human speed."
The red blur actually stopped to reveal Wally, looking shocked and panicked. "ButIcan'tcausehe'snakedanddidyouknowhe'sbeennakedallthistime?"
Batman processed that, decided the world could live without him understand whatever it was that had gotten Wally so worked up, turned back to his typing and replied, "that's really nice Wally." The younger man squeaked. "If something's bothering you, maybe you should go talk to J'onn."
"It'snotniceit'sWEIRDBats!OhmygodIcan'tbelieveyoujustsaidthat!'vebeensaying?" Wally waved his hands frantically. Bruce continued to type, trying to ignore the disturbance. "Baaaaatsthisisimportant!"
"Yes, yes. Superman is in the cafeteria. He'd love to hear it, Flash."
Wally narrowed his eyes at the Dark Knight. "...I'mnotreallysureyou'''onn'sbeenbuffnakedthisentiretime. Ithinkit'dfryhisBoyScoutbrain."
Batman realised he couldn't ignore Flash, not and get a fraction of the work done he wanted to, so sighing, he turned back to the other man. "Wally. Repeat. At. Human. Speed." He paused momentarily. "And facts, please."
The Flash folded his arms over his chest at that tone in Batman's voice. "I. Said! J'onn's been wandering around buttnaked the entire time! Did you know? If you did why didn't you tell me?"
Bruce frowned. "... If this is your latest prank, it's a distasteful one." He really didn't want to think about a naked Martian. He felt his eyebrow twitch.
Wally threw up his hands. "It's not a prank! Seriously Bats, I'm not joking! Put that great detective mind of yours to work and think about it! Every time he shape shifts he makes his clothes, so they have to be part of him, so that means they're his body. He's not wearing clothes so he's naked!"
Bruce had to wonder why Wally had thought so deeply about his friend's body and wished he had never decided to bring it to him. "Wally, I have more important things to think about than J'onn's... clothing-issues."
The older man watched Wally's eyes widen even more, if that was even possible. "More Important! BATS! How many times has J'onn saved your ass or mine? Caught you when you're falling? And he's been naked the entire time? …And why are you looking at me like that?"
Batman's expression had gradually turned from blank to vaguely disturbed. "More importantly, why are you coming to me with this ... topic?" He was desperately trying not think of the words 'ass', 'naked' and 'J'onn' in the same sentence.
"Because you're Batman, if anyone is going to have noticed it would be you! And how could you have not told me!" Wally cried, really not understand why Batman was struggling with the whole concept.
"I…" Bruce looked around to check no one else could hear them. "I didn't notice, not until you brought it up." *And screwed up my almost peaceful sanity,* he mentally finished.
The Flash gaped at him like a landed fish. "You mean I noticed something before the brilliant, flawless Batman?" He did a little victory dance. "That is so cool!"
"Absolutely. You noticed J'onn has been naked all the time before I did. Congratulations." Bruce turned his eyes up towards the monitors, wishing for that apocalypse because that would be better than having this conversation.
"I... OK when you say it like that..." he gave a shudder before whining. "Baaats! He's naked! What do we do?"
Having realised how downhill the conversation had been heading, the Dark Knight went back to trying to be oblivious. "You could try and convince him of the importance of clothes and leave me out of it."
"Butbutbut I can't tell J'onn he's naked! That's... that's... wrong! You tell him! You can tell anyone anything!" Wally protested.
"I wouldn't want to rob you of the feeling of triumph you would feel when you solve something without my help," Bruce returned smoothly.
Wally glared. "That is not the point. The point is we have a naked Martian on the WatchTower, your WatchTower I might like to point out, and you have to do something about it or that's all I'll ever be able to think about when I see him and he can read minds! Ohmygodwhatifhe'slisteningtomerightnow?"
Batman could feel the migraine coming on as Wally began panicking again and returned the glare. "Just leave me out of this. If he's listening, that would save you a talk."
"But how could I ever face him again? And he'd know you'd know from me too! He might ask you what you think about this and then what would you say? You're not telling me anything that helps!"
The last thing Bruce wanted was Wally to start babbling again, that wouldn't improve his headache or wish for quiet. "J'onn doesn't read thoughts without permission, Flash. Stop panicking."
Wally covered his head with his hands. "I think I'm thinking really loudly now. He might accidently hear me."
"There is no such thing as thinking loudly," Bruce stated, hoping it was true.
"I'm still going to babble and run away next time I see him, which isn't exactly a good thing next time we have a bad guy messing up a city." Flash gave him pleading eyes.
Bruce resisted the urge to bury his face in his hand. "Wally, I sincerely doubt J'onn will be embarrassed or react in any discernable human way if he did overhear you or you said something, but he might feel hurt that you couldn't trust him enough to talk to him about his… faux-pas."
"I committed a faux-pas?" Bruce was pretty sure he'd never seen Wally go so still. He had even stopped breathing. The Dark Knight turned to face J'onn who was just touching down after flying in and looking as concerned as he ever did. "I could sense a great deal of anxiety emanating from this room." Wally let out a little squeak and Bruce shook his head.
"Wally seems to think you have. It makes no difference to me."
Flash's mouth dropped open before he pointed an accusing finger at Bruce. "I am never talking to you again."
"Wally, please, if I have done something to offend you," J'onn focused his attention on the speedster, "I would like to make it right."
"I…" Wally stared, fidgeted, twitched, vibrated and streaked from the room in a blur of red. Batman shook his head and swivelled his seat back around to face his bank of monitors. J'onn was motionless for a second, clearly thinking, before he turned his gaze to Bruce. Batman could feel the weight of it on the back of his head.
"You are not going to tell me what is bothering him are you?"
"Wally has an over active imagination," Bruce replied easily. "It is up to him to confront what he perceives to be a problem."
"It seems to be causing him a great deal of distress." J'onn's concern was obvious. "I can feel it from here and he is as far away as he can physically get aboard the WatchTower."
"You could just read his mind and save him the trouble." Bruce glanced at the Martian, who frowned at him.
"You know I do not intrude on people's thoughts without permission."
"Or when there is cause to. Wally seems to think it will affect his ability to work by your side."
J'onn fell silent again and then after a moment said, "Ah."
"Yes, ah," Bruce agreed. "Can you please deal with it?"
"It will require a complex conversation about biology, metaplasia and metathesis which I'm not sure Wally will grasp." J'onn frowned again. "He seems too preoccupied to listen well enough."
"Just tell him you're wearing clothes." Batman covered his face with one hand. "He'll believe you."
J'onn accepted Bruce's advice and sank down through the floor to find Wally, and get him to stand still long enough to talk to him. Bruce wondered if anyone would notice if he took some time off right now and found himself a nice little disaster to stop, far, far away from Wally West and naked Martians.