I don't even remember the last time we updated . . . the good news is: I'VE ALREADY GOTTEN INTO COLLEGE~ yay for me. :) Anyway, WE PROMISE TO TRY AND UPDATE MORE BEFORE THE YEAR ENDS!
Chapter 4 – The Completely Normal Day
When I woke up again I was lying in bed next to Edward, who seemed normal for the time being, and a faint sunlight was streaming in through the window, causing Edward's skin to shimmer slightly. The house was silent and I needed to strain my ears to pick up the faint noises of the Cullens pretending to be human, the slight creak of a floorboard, the turning of a page in a book or magazine or the soft voices on the TV. The whole perfect scene was, quite frankly, disturbing. I got up and discovered that I had been put into pajamas. But not pink frilly pajamas with little vampires on them, not slutty pajamas or even a t-shirt with a stupid picture or perverted phrase on it. Just green sleep pants with polka dots on them and a light blue tank top.
I put on my slippers, which were free of shaving cream or other nasty surprises and headed downstairs with Edward into the kitchen where I found my favorite cereal in the cabinet, pancake mix, eggs, bacon, milk, orange juice and all the utensils and cookware I would need to make an ordinary breakfast. I could hear the TV a little better now and it had been left on a show about people buying their first house. Getting more creeped out by the second I had a quick bowl of cereal, still surprised when absolutely nothing went wrong, and headed into the living room.
It was like I was in a completely different world. Rosalie was flipping through a fashion magazine, Alice was painting her nails, Jasper, who was dressed in male clothing, was playing checkers with Emmett and Carlisle had his arm around Esme on the couch, leisurely watching the TV. To complete the picture Edward strolled over to a small piano I hadn't noticed before and started playing softly. It was like we were living in some boring book and the only way to pass the time was to ramble on about how extremely perfect Edward was or how entirely ordinary I was, especially in comparison to Edward, whose name would be accompanied by at least three adjectives, alternating between dazzling and breathtaking.
"Okay, seriously," I yelled finally. "What on Earth is going on here?"
Esme stood up. "Well Bella, dear, we just thought we should really treat this like a vacation and get away from our normal selves. Lately, however, we've been acting crazier and crazier so the only way to get away from that is to act normal. So, this is going to be a normal, human, family vacation to the beach."
"Can we not?"
"No, we have to do this."
"Just for one day?"
She thought for a moment. "Alright, if it's really bad after one day then we'll go back to our old selves."
"Agreed," everyone chorused.
"Now," Esme said, "Since Bella is up why don't we all get changed and we'll go out onto the beach and play in the sand and in the waves for a while. Boys I have your swimsuits laid out in the guest room, girls follow me."
"Oh you've got it going on today. You look good, and you know it! Over a hundred years and not a day over twenty. Look at that stomach, it's sexy hot. And check out that butt. Could fry and egg on that thang, slap some icing on those buns. Back to the front. Look at that; you've got two, four, six, eight, ten delicious squares of hot abdominal to share with the ladies. Even more than Taylor Lautner, whoever that is. You may be modest now, with your man shorts cover up but damn boy, you're looking fi-ine in that thongy Speedo. And would you look at those legs. OH! Sugar, those legs could talk a cactus out of its needles in two seconds flat. All smooth and hairless and silky strong.
"Now look at your face. Those lips are just made for pouting. One little smudge of lipstick and you've got two rose petals, honey! And that tongue. It can tie a cherry stem into a knot in a half a second, not that it needs to. All that tongue has to do is look at a cherry and the whole darn thing just knots itself up right then and there. The girls are just throwing themselves at you, trying to reach up and stroke your silky locks of hair. Like that one down there, why look, she's even running to get to me. Hell-o, darling! I'm up here, oh but don't come up here just yet, my wife's here. Oh, these girls are just chasing after me; they're all so young I'm surprised they can walk!"
I turned around to admire my backside a little more. "Just look at that thing. Carved from marble by Leonardo da Vinci, himself. It glows with pure, raw power even from beneath your hot little man shorts. But why hide such a thing of beauty from the world? Why don't you just-"
I turned around; Edward was standing behind me and looking very confused. "Yes," I asked. "What is it?"
"What are you doing?"
"Admiring myself," I said. "It's this mirror, it makes anyone instantly more attractive and you can't help but admire yourself in a vainglorious fashion. Try it."
I didn't really believe what Carlisle was saying about the mirror. That is, until I stepped up to it. For a split second, I was a Greek God. Adonis, if you will. I felt as though there had been someone following me around and describing my every action with too many adjectives, often the same one just rephrased and repeated over and over again. And then, the mirror shattered completely, littering the ground with large, pointy shards.
Next to me I could hear Carlisle repressing sniggers. "Well, son," there were muffled sniggers. "Sometimes things like this just," more sniggers, "happen for absolutely no reason whatso-" he broke down then, holding his sides and laughing hysterically. Emmett poked his head into the room, instantly wanting to know what was so funny. "Edward broke the mirror," Carlisle gasped.
Emmett laughed a booming laugh that shook the house and sent a shower of dust and bits of drywall raining down onto us. "Well that's easily fixed," he said. Emmett positioned himself in front of the glass-less mirror and gripped the edges of his Hawaiian shirt, which was buttoned all the way up to the top. "Oh," he said, undoing the first button. "Oh," the next one. "Let's go!" With one fluid movement he tore open his shirt, a bright flash blinding us and glitter and white feathers raining down upon us. Heavenly voices sang a chorus that gently caressed the ears and born unto us were Emmett's abs. Oddly enough that wasn't the strangest part, in fact that was quite normal for us. The really strange part was that in the presence of Emmett's abs, the mirror magically healed itself, the pieces flying back into their frame and sealing together. Then Emmett closed his shirt and the magic was lost.
"And that's how it's done," he said.
"Wait, what's happening to the mirror now?"
"Oh no, my abs were too sexy for it, it's gonna blow!"
For a minute I thought that was really going to happen, the mirror was warping and shifting unnaturally. Though I really should have been expecting this. Jasper suddenly appeared on the other side, sprinting towards us at a vampire's speed. We had just enough time to scatter before he burst out of the mirror, which didn't shatter or even twitch as Jasper hurdled through it.
"Alright," I said, "I know this isn't any ordinary mirror but there's no way you could have done that and not shattered the mirror. What's going on here?"
"Oh Edward," Jasper said. "This isn't a mirror at all! It's all just sand. See?" And with that Jasper sucked in a giant breath and blew the entire mirror away, out the window. We all just stared for a moment. This was a new level of crazy, even for us.
"No one tells Esme," Carlisle said. "We're supposed to keep this day normal and I refuse to get in trouble for this!"
"Oh you're just worried that if you get in trouble she'll remember that you were flirting with the ticket lady at the airport."
"She told me-now is not the time for that. Let's get changed and get downstairs to collect our money. I mean play on the beach." Carlisle checked the hallway and then whispered, "Does everyone remember their bets?"
"Yep," we whispered back.
"Good, then let's go."
"Come on, everyone, gather 'round. We're going to do something fun and traditional and completely normal." I looked out at the sea of sparkling vampire faces, none of which looked very impressed, and at the one pink human face which was currently twisted in agony as Bella forgot to put on her sunglasses and was currently being blinded by seven vampire disco balls. "Bella put on your glasses already!" I threw eight pairs of sunglasses at her and she missed every one, finally stumbling and lying facedown in the sand, apparently content with the lack of blinding sparkles. And oxygen. "We're going to have a barbeque!"
The next twenty minutes were utter torture and several people considered resorting to cannibalism just to avoid eating Esme's barbeque. Several small houses caught on fire, three trains were called into existence just to crash due to the terrible smell and an unmanned helicopter crashed into the ocean due to all the smoke in the air. Of course by the time Bella woke up everything was back to normal and she suggested that we go swimming and try surfing to make the day go faster.
"Because clearly nothing interesting is happening around here," she said.
None of us bothered to correct her and while none of us had gone surfing before we had seen enough from movies to understand the basic gist of it and were positive that Bella would be absolutely horrible at it. She could barely keep her balance on flat land, proof of this, as if it was needed, could be found when she walked up the perfectly flat path to the shed and stumbled three times before toppling over while standing perfectly still.
Bella, Alice, Jasper, Emmett and I all waxed up surf boards and Rosalie brought out the new bathing suits we would need, apparently, for surfing. Esme had gotten me and Bella matching his-and-hers wetsuits, Emmett had tried to give Alice and Jasper matching cross-dresser-and-hers bikinis but Rosalie shooed him away before Esme could notice and claim the prize money.
Esme and Carlisle stayed on the beach, in matching cover-ups, apparently the couples swimwear outlet was having a sale, either that or families were required to wear corny matching outfits all the time on vacations, and set up a camcorder and took out their digital cameras to get pictures of us.
So we paddled out and the strangest thing happened. A wave came and Bella caught it and she stood up on her board and she didn't fall off. She rode that wave farther than . . . well farther than Jasper riding a greased-up wok down a waterslide lined with a slip-and-slide during a tsunami. And trust me, he gets pretty far doing that, we have contests every year to see how far he goes, the locals in China look forward to our visit every year. In fact, everyone seemed to be getting the hang of surfing. Rosalie, of course, insisted on only sitting at the head of Emmett's surf board but she would do little tricks and things for the camera.
Everyone, of course, except me. I couldn't understand how Bella was doing so well. She couldn't sit down without hurting herself; frankly, doctors all over the world were baffled as to how she was still alive. By all reasonable predictions, she should have been dead for at least ten to fifteen years by now.
"Bella how are you so good at this," I asked after I wiped out for the eighth time in a row. You have horrible balance."
"Well Edward," she said, "You just have to find your center of balance. And you know how mine is usually . . ."
"Terrible," I offered.
"Horrendous," Emmett supplied.
"Weaker than a feather," Rosalie said.
"Wobblier than jell-o, now with a new wobblier, wigglier recipe," Jasper asked, Velcro-ing his feet to his surf board for a reason that would probably become apparent very soon.
"Worse than wearing pajama pants to school on a Tuesday," Alice asked.
"The worst in recorded history of all organic life forms found since the beginning of time," Carlisle yelled from the shore.
"More dangerous than a room without an air freshener," Esme asked, aghast.
"Well I was going to say it's usually off-center but when I'm on the waves its like my uneven center of balance evens out because it's on an uneven surface."
"That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever."
"Hey, it works." As if to illustrate this Bella caught another perfect wave in to shore and I wiped out again.
After I resurfaced and dug the seaweed and crabs out of my hair I noticed something odd. "Is that Jasper," I asked Alice. We looked and sure enough there was Jasper, surfing with his feet strapped to his surfboard, riding a wave, upside-down.
"FISH-A-BUNGA," I yelled. I was catching some sweet waves upside-down. I don't know why more people don't do this. Sure the humans would drown and you get a lot of fish and seaweed in your mouth but it's so much better than regular surfing. "FISH-A-BUNGA!"
Jasper was trying to shout something but to me it just sounded like . . . well, it sounded like . . .
Fifteen people screamed and fell out of their chairs. Eight guys accidentally transformed into wolves. Six girls spilled their water bottles. And somewhere, a jerk named Mike Newton wet his pants. "Jacob," the teacher yelled. "Why on earth did you just scream 'wharrgarbl' in the middle of class? We were taking a test!"
"I don't know! I just felt an overwhelming and unstoppable urge to scream that all of a sudden." I knew the teacher wouldn't believe me so I figured I might as well get something out of this. "Like now how I can't stop . . . TAKING MY SHIRT OFF!" I ripped my t-shirt to shreds, which was a bit disappointing; I liked that shirt, and then jumped up on my desk. "WHARRGARBL," I screamed again. "I can't stop it! It's telling me to run out of the classroom now!" And so I leaped off the table and, having always wanted to do this, jumped through a window and ran off into the distance, leaving school behind.
. . . WHARRGARBL! It sounded like Jasper said wharrgarbl. I looked up at the shore and saw Esme glaring out at us.
"Edward," she said soft enough so that Bella couldn't hear, "You have 5 seconds to stop Jasper from surfing underwater. If Bella notices this, the day's normalcy will be destroyed and I will win the bet. 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . ."
I did the only thing I could think of. I leap off my board and tried to tackle my brother. Unfortunately, his short attention span struck again. A mere half second before I tackled him he jumped off his board, flying back past the waves screaming "DOLPHINS!" I crashed into the surfboard face-first and was promptly run over by Bella who shouted, "Sorry Rosalie" over her shoulder, despite the fact that Rosalie was in front of her. Then I was bitten in the ankle by Emmett who was wearing a rubber shark fin on his head.
"What are you doing," I demanded.
"It's my understanding that you need to play stupid, dangerous, and potentially harmful jokes on people. 'A shark bit your ankle' or 'a poisonous, deadly jelly fish just stung you' or 'YOU'RE HAIR IS ON FIRE!' "
"When has anyone ever played a 'Your hair is on fire' prank?"
"Didn't we do that last April Fool's Day?"
"No, we threw pies at Jacob and painted Bella's face like a clown."
"Oh. Well then I know what I'm doing next April Fool's Day!"
"You are not setting Bella's hair on fire!"
"Actually I was going to set your hair on fire."
I tried to tackle Emmett but unfortunately I'm about as balanced on the water as Bella is on land. I completely missed and ended up crashing into Jasper just as a big wave washed over us and my dolphin friends.
"Jellyfish coral lagoon!"
"Oh no, the giant, ugly, talking choral monster is back again."
"Just ignore him, maybe he'll go away."
I felt bad for running over Rosalie and I was beginning to wonder where Edward had gone and why he kept yelling after me that he wasn't a girl. I knew he wasn't a girl; maybe he was having an identity crisis. Maybe that's what the Cullens considered normal, I certainly didn't. Then again, I didn't consider most of what the Cullens did normal.
"Look guys," Jasper yelled. "I'm riding a dolphin!"
"HELP, I THINK A DOLPHIN'S RIDING ME!"
There was a lot of screaming, cursing and a short musical number that ended with me getting hit over the head with something that felt oddly like a surfboard. The last thing I could remember is Emmett standing over me in the water and saying something along the lines of "I found a dead body!"