We Just Call It A Stick

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Dean: What are you waiting for?

Silence.

Dean: Cas, come on… what are you waiting for? Get in.

Castiel: I'm not sure that this… endeavour… is the best idea.

Dean: You asked me to teach you, Cas.

Castiel: I know, but… it seems like a pointless exercise now.

Dean: You don't wanna learn?

Castiel: No…. yes… no… yes…

Dean: Gotta pick one, Cas.

Castiel: Dean, you must understand. I have come to appreciate how much you… value this car. You shower it with more affection than you ever have for… your brother, or any of the women I've seen you with, or…

Dean: Yeah, yeah, I get the picture! But it's okay. I trust you.

Castiel: You do?

Dean: Of course I do. Cas… are you scared?

Castiel: Of course not. I'm an angel. We were created not to feel emotion.

Dean: You've been doing a bang-up job of that so far, buddy. Remember when you got all depressed and mainlined a liquor store?

Castiel: I do not understand. What is mainlining?

Dean: Nevermind. Just get in the car.

Castiel: I don't think…

Dean: Cas, I swear to God…

Castiel: Please don't do that.

Dean: Just get in the damn car!

Castiel: Okay.

Seconds later…

Dean: Okay, here's what you do…

Castiel: When?

Dean: After I'm done explaining!

Castiel: Right. Sorry.

Dean: Okay, first things first… you need to familiarise yourself with the instruments.

Castiel: Very well…

Dean: Repeat after me… Wheel, gear shift, parking brake… Cas, you're not repeating…

Castiel: I was waiting for you to finish. You said after

Dean: Fine! Fine! Wheel, gear shift…

Castiel: You did those already…

Dean: Oh, for God's sakes…

Castiel: I wish you'd stop doing that…

Dean: Okay… That's the foot brake, that's the accelerator. That's all you need to know for now.

Castiel: What's that?

Dean: The windshield wiper.

Castiel: Did you not think it appropriate for me to know that?

Dean: It's not raining.

Castiel: Nevertheless… What's that?

Dean: The cigarette lighter.

Castiel: Did you not think it appro–

Dean: You don't smoke!

Castiel: And that?

Dean: The odometer.

Castiel: Did you not…?

Dean: Yes, yes! Fine! Okay! That's the odometer, speedometer, fuel gauge, water gauge, ashtray, dashboard, horn, seatbelt, carpet, rear-view mirror, side mirrors, seat crank, and the frikkin' roof! Now you got all that?

Castiel: Wheel, gear shift, parking brake, foot brake, accelerator, windshield wiper, cigarette lighter, odometer, speedometer, fuel gauge, water gauge, ashtray, dashboard, horn, seatbelt, carpet, rear-view mirror, side mirrors, seat crank, and… roof.

Dean: Oh, for Christ's–

Castiel: Dean, please!

Dean: Okay, okay… deep breaths…

Castiel: Why?

Dean: Not you – me!

Castiel: Very well…

Dean: Alright… turn the ignition.

Castiel: What's the…?

Dean: One of us isn't making it out of this car alive...

Castiel: I told you this was a bad idea.

Dean: No, no, wait, come back. I'm sorry. There, just turn the key in the ignition to start the car. But keep your foot on the brake.

Engine starts.

Dean: See? That wasn't so hard.

Castiel: Well, thank you, Dean, for the lesson. I think I'll…

Dean: Hold it! Now we drive.

Castiel: Are you sure?

Dean: Yes.

Castiel: It's just that… this terrain seems treacherous.

Dean: This terrain?

Castiel: Yes.

Dean: We're in a parking lot!

Castiel: There's a shopping cart right there.

Dean: It's a hundred yards away.

Castiel: Well, judging from what you told me about the power of the engine, it would take the Impala a mere…

Dean: So don't hit the cart!

Castiel: I wish it were that simple.

Dean: That's what the steering wheel is for.

Castiel: Okay…

Dean: Okay?

Castiel: Okay.

Dean: Good, now… keep your foot on the brake, pull down on the gear shift, and click it into Drive…

Castiel: This seems awfully complicated.

Dean: Just be thankful we're not driving a stick!

Castiel: I don't understand. How can one drive a stick?

Dean: It's just a…

Castiel: Sticks have no wheels.

Dean: I didn't mean it like…

Castiel: You can throw a stick, or carry a stick…

Dean: I meant a car with a manual transmission!

Castiel: Oh, I've heard about those.

Dean: Well, there you go…

Castiel: Why did you call it a stick?

Dean: WE JUST CALL IT A STICK!

Castiel: There's no need to yell.

Dean: Would you shift it into drive, please?

Castiel: There.

Dean: Good, now pull back on the parking brake lever, that'll release it.

Castiel: Like that?

Dean: Yes. Now… ease your foot off the brake and gently touch the accelerator... Gently... gently! Cas, I said gently! Brake!

Sound of screeching tyres.

Castiel: I find your contradictory instructions very disturbing.

Dean: Holy Mary, Mother of God…

Castiel: Must you insist on blaspheming?

Dean: This time I'm actually praying…

Castiel: Let me try again.

Dean: Okay… okay… easy… keep the wheel steady… there you go… That's the way we do it downtown, baby!

Castiel: I'm driving… Dean, I'm driving!

Dean: Yeah, you are! See? I told you! Nothing to it!

Castiel: This is an immensely proud moment for me. Thank you, Dean.

Dean: You're welcome, Cas.

Castiel: Can we play the radio?

Dean: Okay, don't get cocky. Just concentrate.

Castiel: As you wish…

Dean: Alright, now, we're getting to the end of the lot, so we'll have to turn.

Castiel: WHAT?

Dean: Relax, all you gotta do is turn the wheel, careful the accelerator...

Castiel: Like this?

Dean: No! No! Not yet! Why are you accelerating?

Castiel: You said…

Dean: I said careful on the accelerator!

Castiel: I am being careful!

Dean: Brake! Brake! Br–

Crash.

Castiel: Dean… I'm so sorry…

Dean: Huh… You actually managed to hit the cart…

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THE END.