Pancakes, Waffles, and Mockingbirds
Author's Note: I wanted to attempt something humorous as a tribute to Neal and Peter's bromance. Might appear to be nonsensical rambling to those who aren't familiar with the strange workings of my mind. Hopefully, the dialogue is descriptive enough to explain the situation and story. Please R&R!
Disclaimer: I claim no rights to anything White Collar. I am merely satisfying my own craving for Tuesdays by writing this piece of fanfiction.
"Neal. Neal. Neal! Wake up!"
"Ugh, not so loud, Peter."
"Well, you weren't responding to my nudges, so I had to resort to yelling. How's your head?"
"How do you think?"
"You're not bleeding, at least. Is there a bump?"
"I don't know, Peter, my hands are sort of tied up at the moment. How long have I been out?"
"Um, fifteen, twenty minutes?"
"Did they knock you out, too?"
"No need. I know to shut my mouth when faced with the wrong end of a gun."
"Okay, fine. When you tripped and pushed me out of the way, I fell to the ground and pretended to pass out. I think they cocked you a good one, then tied us up and dumped us in the back of this van."
"Smart, Peter, I'm impressed. But, just for the record, I did not trip. I was trying to save your life!"
"And you did. Thanks, Neal."
"I did it for Elizabeth. Wouldn't want to hurt her feelings by refusing your hideous ties that she'd love for me to have, should you decide to kick the bucket."
"I hope you like orange, Neal. Now, shut up. I'm trying to get us out of here."
"Quiet, Neal, you're giving me a headache."
"But Peter –"
"They took my gun and my cell phone. I'm sure they took yours, too. We took your anklet off for this case, so Jones and Diana won't even know where we are… Damn it…"
"I've got a plan."
"Do you trust me?"
"To get us out of here? Maybe."
"Aw, Peter, c'mon. It's foolproof!"
"Fine, Neal, let's hear it."
"I need you to help me out of this tape first."
"Turn around and scoot over here."
"Ow! Hey, watch it! I'd like to have my skin intact after this, thanks."
"I don't have eyes on the back of my head, Neal, so you'll just have to cowboy up. At least you can undo your own ankles once I've untied your wrists."
"Ah, there we go. You free, Peter?"
"Yup. What now?"
"Got a paperclip on you? No? I do."
"What are you gonna do, pick the lock and have us jump out of a moving vehicle?"
"Why, of course."
"Do you have a better idea? Like you said, Peter, we don't have our phones and no one knows our location. I'd rather not wait until we arrive at our destination and have guns pointed at us. Again. This is our only escape."
"We could be on the freeway, for all we know! And we have no idea how fast we're going. The moment we land, we'll be human pancakes!"
"I prefer waffles, actually. With a smear of butter or strawberry jam."
"Now is NOT the time to be fantasizing, Neal."
"You didn't answer my question. Do you have a better idea?"
"No? I thought so."
"Wipe that grin off your face. Alright, how are we gonna do this?"
"Glad to have you on board, Peter. Okay, I'll pick the lock, then we jump. Simple as that."
"Simple as that. I can't believe we're doing this."
"What's not to believe? You need to be more adventurous, Peter. This is a great start."
"Yeah, yeah, just pick the damn lock already."
"Done. Now, as soon as we open the doors, we have to jump. Otherwise, the driver will see us. Not that these goons are very bright to begin with."
"Got it. On three, then."
"What do you know? We're not on a freeway, after all."
"We're in the countryside? This day just got ten times worse."
"Would you rather be a breakfast entrée right now? We're wasting time. Jump!"
"Oof! Get off of me, Neal."
"Bad landing. Sorry, Peter, haven't done this in a while."
"Out of practice, are you?"
"It's not nice to rub it in. Hurry, let's get over to that shrubbery. I don't wanna be seen by our kidnappers. What's so funny?"
"You've got leaves in your hair, Neal. Maybe some bugs, too."
"You've got something brown and ugly all over you, Peter. Oh, wait, that's your suit!"
"I've still got a pair of handcuffs on me, Caffrey. Don't make me use them."
"Resorting to empty threats now? Really, Peter."
"Forget it. What do we do now?"
"Why do you keep asking me that? I got us out of the van. It's your turn to think of something."
"I see a light. Let's head that way."
"Our kidnappers don't seem to have noticed our disappearance."
"That's odd, though. You'd think they'd have noticed two guys escaping through the rear of…"
"What is it, Neal?"
"Do you hear that?"
"They're turning back. Damn it! Quick, get among those trees. We'll have better coverage from there."
"This is so not what I signed on for, Peter."
"What, being kidnapped? Being chased by said kidnappers?"
"Not so much, no. I meant, running through a forest. This mud is completely ruining my shoes!"
"You can survive without one pair of Italian leather."
"But I've lost my fedora, too!"
"Are you sulking?"
"No. But I think we've lost them."
"Do you have any idea where we are?"
"I might… this path looks familiar. Let's take a left at the fork."
"What's that up there? Looks like a big storage unit. Pretty out of place for New York countryside."
"Not if you're the person living there."
"Who do you – ? Oh, no. No way. It's Haversham, isn't it?"
"He won't be happy to know that the FBI has discovered his lab. You can't tell anyone about this, Peter."
"It'd be great to have something to hold over your head, Neal, for all those times when you don't listen to me."
"Peter, please. Mozzie trusts me and he knows I trust you."
"Relax, Neal. I sort of owe him one, anyway."
"I won't even ask. You want to knock or should I?"
"Show me your warrant!"
"Yup, it's definitely him. Mozzie, it's us."
"How did you find this place, Suit? Neal, what are you doing bringing the Fed to my sanctuary?"
"Don't look at me, Peter. We can call for a ride and I'm sure Mozzie has a beer or two in the fridge for you. Open up, Moz."
"I can't wait to tell Elle about this over breakfast tomorrow."
"At least you didn't have to answer the mockingbird question."