HEYA, PARTY-PEOPLE~! 'Tis I, Haruhi Suzumiya~! So it's Christmas right now, and I was busy thinking about how I could have my Brigade cash in on this holiday that promotes family togetherness and giving for some funds.
Then it hit me! Why not release a The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya Christmas album that my fans will enjoy? They're a walking source of money already! A stroke of genius, I know. Koizumi already said so, too.
So without further ado, I present...
The Christmas Songs of Haruhi Suzumiya!
Featuring such wonderfully remastered and creative hits like:
Emiri the Green-haired Organic Life Contact-purpose Humanoid Interface:
In the middle of a studio with a snowy backdrop, Emiri stood in front of a microphone. A sheet of paper with lyrics on it was held in her hands as she softly sang.
"Then one foggy Christmas eve, Haruhi came to say... 'Emiri, with your face so cruddy, how'd you like to be my punch-buddy?' Then the children loved her... Spared them from the wrath of Haruhi... Emiri the Green-haired Interface... You went down in total misery~..."
After finishing her song, Emiri lowered her paper, blinked a few times, then began to cry. Haruhi strode into view and slung an arm around the wailing alien.
"Wasn't she great, ladies and gentlemen? Buy right now and you, too, can enjoy the vibrant voice of Emiri Kimidori singing about the various abuse she endures! Now let's move on with the rest of our selection~!" Haruhi cheered on. Emiri just kept on sobbing.
"I just wanted a song that wouldn't suck!" she wailed.
"Yeah, you'll get one eventually..."
Up on North High School's Top:
The same studio with the backdrop from before, but now it was Kyouko and Fujiwara who were at the mike. Kyouko was swinging her arms to the beat of the song playing while Fujiwara looked incredibly ill. He had bags under his eyes and was swaying on his feet.
"Up on the school's top, reindeer pause!" Kyouko raised her hands up for effect. "Out jumps good old Santa Claus~!"
At that exact moment, Fujiwara brought out some kind of highly-advanced gun and fired it directly at the ceiling. Two bolts of searing blue light exploded overhead and brought down several chunks of plaster. Kyouko jumped back in fright and gawked at her teammate.
"Fujiwara, why on Earth would you do that!" she screeched at him.
Fujiwara belched, reeking heavily of eggnog. "You sez that... Santa was... on teh roof... I wuz... payin' the 'ol fat man a warnin'... Stay off mah roof, ya fat... bastard..."
He passed out in a puddle of his own vomit half a second later.
Horror Claus is Coming to Town:
"He rapes you when you're sleeping~! He burns you when you wake~! He knows if you taste bad or good, so be good for goodness sake~..." Ryoko sweetly sang into the microphone.
"...Wow, Asakura. I am never letting you do anything for the Brigade again," Haruhi stated, her right eye twitching.
It was not like she needed sleep anyways.
Rockin' Around the Sentient Data-based Christmas Tree:
Now it was Nakagawa, the Computer Club President, and Kunikida who were in the studio. They sang in front of a large Christmas tree covered in tinsel.
"Rockin' around the Christmas tree! At the Christmas party hop!" the trio belted out together. They didn't get too far into the rest of the lyrics as the tree behind them began to shake fiercely.
"What's with the tree?" Kunikida asked out loud. No sooner than the words had left his mouth, the tree sprouted numerous tendrils and a toothy gaping mouth.
"...Well, I'm out of here," TCCP said, fleeing for the exit. Kunikida was left to fend off the massive plant with a mop.
"I knew I never should have appeared in this special," Nakagawa muttered in a deadpan voice as the tree picked him up and hurled him at TCCP.
Kyon-kun Christmas Boogie:
"Kyon-kun Christmas Boogie~! ...BOOOOOOOOOOOOOGIE~!" Imouto and Miyoko sang together as they stood on a pair of stools to reach the microphone.
"YOU TWO HAVE BEEN ONLY SINGING THOSE TWO SENTENCES FOR THE PAST TEN MINUTES! WHO'S IDEA WAS IT TO WRITE THAT STUPID SONG?" Haruhi snarled, grabbing at her hair.
Imouto quickly flipped through the pages of the song. "You did," she flatly replied.
Haruhi blinked. "...Oh, yeah."
"Looks like your crappy love song to Kyon really did stink," Miyoko said with a snicker.
Haruhi stared at the little girl for a bit before she picked up Imouto by the feet and used her to hit Miyoko over the head.
The Blue-haired Alien Who Attempted to Induce Change by Stealing Christmas:
Taniguchi stood in front of the microphone, wearing a Santa hat as he sang. "You're a foul one, Asakura~! You really are a runt~! You're as cuddly as a blowfish~! You're as charming as a wasted blunt, Asakuuuuuuuuuura~! You might be the most despicable character in this series... but I still wanna pound your cu-"
"Whoa, whoa, WHOA, Taniguchi! What the hell, man?" Kyon shouted as he cut off the song. "That is WAAAAAAAAAAAAY too adult for this kind of atmosphere. It's a Christmas album!"
Haruhi stomped into view, glaring hatefully at the hat-wearing pervert. "Yeah, what's the deal, Taniguchi! I didn't write that last part in! Now you've probably traumatized Asakura for life with the very idea of you having sex with her!" True to her word, Ryoko was rolling around on the ground in the fetal position.
Taniguchi scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "...But I really do want to bang Asa-" He never finished, as a disgusted Haruhi quickly grabbed Taniguchi by the shoulders and introduced her right knee to his sternum.
Shinjin the Snowlestial:
"Haruhi?" Kyon spoke as he entered the empty studio. The brunette appeared from a door on the opposite side of the room.
"Who was supposed to sing this song? I haven't heard anything from the next room for half an hour."
"Hmm... I think it was Sakanaka. Hey! Sakanaka! Where are you?"
Sakanaka, wearing a top hat and nibbling on a carrot, stepped out from behind a curtain. "Yes, Suzumiya?"
"There you are! Why aren't you singing my unique take on Frosty the Snowman?" Haruhi questioned.
"Well, I was singing your song for the album." Sakanaka paused from eating and held up a sheet of paper. "I took a break not too long ago. To be quite honest, I didn't think it was much of a song. Just the same few lines repeated over and over. Like some kind of chant."
"Huh?" Haruhi snatched up the paper and squinted at it. "Excuse me? This isn't even in my handwriting! I didn't even write any of this!"
Wondering what was wrong, Kyon peered over her shoulder and at the paper.
"Awaken, awaken, awaken, awaken... Take the land that must be taken. Awaken, awaken, awaken, awaken... Devour worlds, smite, forsaken..." Kyon murmured, reading along with the lines. "...not a very Christmasy song you got there, Haruhi."
"It's not in the Christmas spirit because someone else wrote it!" Haruhi snarled, balling up the paper. "Whoever wrote this must have put it somewhere for Sakanaka to find so she could read it. But why would someone want to have her sing a lousy song to record for my album?"
At that exact moment, the floor of the studio shook heavily and then cracked in half. Two enormous arms that were glowing blue reached out of the newly-made chasm and firmly planted themselves on the floor. Following after them was a huge giant with an equally blue body, three red eyes, and a giant Santa hat on its head. It pointed a finger straight down at the surprised trio.
"OH, BUT YOUR SONG HAS DONE MORE THAN JUST THAT, FOOLISH MORTALS! BY RECITING IT, YOU HAVE RESTORED ME TO MY FULL POWER! NOW I, SHINJIN, BLOTTER OF THE SUN, DEVOURER OF WORLDS, AND BRINGER OF HAVOC... HAVE BEEN REAWAKENED!" it boomed triumphantly.
Instead of cowering like Kyon and Sakanaka, Haruhi just crossed her arms and glared up. "Go back to your room, you naughty personification of my frustration and depression."
Mikuru's Twelve Days of Christmas:
Mikuru was dressed in a short green elf tunic, joyfully singing what she considered to be her own special song.
"Twelve fresh-cut roses, eleven love confessions, ten custom-fit bras, nine Yuki Nagato dartboards, eight swimming turtles, seven creepy stalkers, six necklaces, FIVE HUGS FROM KYOOOOOOON~! Four stuffed-animals, three-course meal, two spiral hams... AND A RAPING FROM HARU-NYAN~!"
Mikuru's eyes widened and she brought up the paper to her face.
"Wait! Wait! What was that last one aga-"
And that's when a certain tsundere tackled her from the side.
Okay, for those of you who are curious, I didn't actually rape Mikuru. I just messed with her a little. ...Stupid Kyon and Yuki... Pulling me away from her...
Anyways, there they are, folks at home~! The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya Christmas album! Only $45.99 if you order right now! The official release for them will be-
...What do you mean COMING NEVER! I'll sell whatever I want to, you corporate jerks! I'm technically God! I can do whatever the hell I wa- GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!
As Haruhi battled several lawyers, Kyon sighed. Yuki and Itsuki stood at his sides, not really stunned at the scene before them.
"It's fine. We have more than enough money to pay off whatever troubles Miss Suzumiya gets herself into," Itsuki stated with his snake-like smile.
"'Tis the season," Yuki whispered, nodding in agreement.
"Just... Just please tell me that nothing stupid or random will happen for the sake of a Christmas-related joke since we are right near the end," Kyon begged.
But before either Yuki or Itsuki could reply, Tsuruya, dressed up in a sexy Santa costume and carrying a massive burlap sack, burst through the studio door. "NYORO RO RO RO~! Merry Fishmas~!" She then opened up her bag and began to hurl its contents at whoever she could see.
Said contents being raw fish-guts.
"Tsuruya! THAT'S DISGUSTING!" screamed her various co-workers and friends.
"Isn't this how poor people celebrate Christmas, nyoro?" Tsuruya asked, scratching the side of her head. But before anyone could beat her to a pulp, the air was filled with the sounds of screeching and meowing. "Hey, what's that? "
A horrified Sasaki was the first to randomly come out of nowhere and identify the threat, wearing Kuyou like some sort of hat on her head. "By the beard of Saint Nicolas! It's a gigantic mob of seagulls and kitties!"
Kuyou's normally indifferent expression became one of absolute fear. "No... My two greatest enemies have finally teamed up! WE ALL MUST FLEE!"
"HEY, WHAT'S WITH ALL THE SCREAMING? I'M TRYING TO DEAL WITH SOME PISSY LAWYERS HERE AND- OH, NO! SEAGULLS! DON'T LET THEM TOUCH ME WITH THEIR FEET!"
And that is how the characters of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya spent Christmas.
A/N: Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!
Mikuru's song was written by ObsidianWarrior. Happy holidays to you, too, man.