Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.

A/N- *deep breath* okay, here we go! I am going to warn you now, this will be an angsty, bumpy ride, but have faith. I am going out on a limb with this story, and hope you all will join me for the journey. More A/N at the bottom

Big thanks to OnTheTurningAway for her beta on this.

I've wanted to write this story since November of 2009 but was too wrapped up in S&S/L&F and then M&A came along. Dannie has listened to me talk about this idea for eight months, and because of the anticipated angst, I had to threaten her with bodily harm to be my prereader…so this story is for her. Love you lots, bb!


If on a winter's night we hadn't wanted each other so bad.


Hard stone, cracked from attempts to break through their impenetrable protection, surrounded him. His heart was safely locked behind the fortress, not even a drawbridge allowing visitors across the long dried up moat of emotions.

Only unlike a real fortress, this one hadn't taken years to construct.

It had only taken one night.

One horrific, terrifying night that left his eyes empty of light, hands empty of mine, legs empty of energy and life.

Watching from a distance, I stood quietly by a tree, desperately trying to recognize this new boy behind the walls, wondering if he still had my heart.


"Take that, bitch," I yelled into the microphone with glee. Defeating level eighty Death Knights in PVP might not have been such a great victory since they had been nerfed, but it still made me smile. I glanced at the muted television and saw the time clicking away down in the lower right hand corner.

Less than forty minutes.

I shifted in my high back micro-suede chair to ease the throbbing in my pants. Pretty fucking sad when just looking at a God damn clock could get me hard. Being a raging hormonal teenager, it was to be expected that just about anything got me hard, but it wasn't only my hormones that were raging.

Sighing, I palmed my cock, just to ease the pressure, I told myself. Only the more I rubbed, the more my cock ached. I leaned forward, hissing at the friction of my jeans against my growing erection, and pulled my curtain aside, relieved when I saw the snow had lightened from a steady fall to flurries. There was a new coating on my driveway since I had shoveled a few hours before, but nothing that a car couldn't make it through. It didn't snow often in Forks, and when it did it was usually heavy and wet and fucking sucked to drive in.

"Dusk," I heard in the headphones over my ears. "You still there?"

"Yeah, yeah," I turned back to my monitor.

"Thought you were bailing on me," he admitted in my ear.

"Not a chance," I replied, grabbing my mouse, readying for the next round of attacks. Next to me on my desk, my iPhone began to play "Let it Be" and I quickly pulled my headset off to answer it.

"Hey," I said into the phone. It was only one simple word, and yet I couldn't contain the fucking giddiness in my voice.

"Hey, I just got off," he greeted and I could hear the faint sound of The Beatles in the background. Listening closely, I knew he had disc three, Abbey Road, playing. I could also tell you what the other five discs in his CD player were, and what kind of mood he was in from the disc he played. I smiled when I recognized "I Want You".

It was a song I knew well; he had whispered those very words into my ear many times. Leaning in, his lips would nibble my earlobe as he murmured, "I want you, I want you so bad," and then proceeded to grind his hard cock against mine, showing me just how bad he wanted me.

Trust me, I wanted him just as bad.

"Aren't you supposed to wait and do that with me?" I chuckled, not paying any attention to my monitor or the faint voice I heard coming from the headphones. Now that I'd heard his voice, my game, the runs, everything, was completely forgotten. It had only been a mere distraction anyway, something to pass the time while I waited for him.

"Haha, very funny. I just got off work," he stressed the last word. "What time is it?"

Shuffling through the mass of homework and shit on my desk I found the remote and spun my chair around toward the television. I aimed the remote at it, un-muted the volume and looked at the bottom corner again.

"Tick tock, Jasper," he laughed when I didn't reply quickly enough.

"It's eleven thirty," I finally answered, tossing the remote back on the mess on my desk, certain to be swallowed up by yet another English essay I had no intentions of writing. Well, at least not during my Christmas vacation…seriously, what teacher gives homework over the holidays? Santa had better put coal in her fucking stocking.

"Plenty of time," he said, and I practically heard him step on the gas.

"How are the roads?"

"Not bad, pretty clear."

"Did you get me a sub?" I asked, and right on cue, my stomach growled.

"Oh, shit, I knew I forgot something," he teased.

"Shut the fuck up," I retorted with a grin, and out of the corner of my eye I saw the demise of Dusk, his ghostly shadow standing there waiting. Somehow, I couldn't bring myself to care.

"It's right next to me," he assured me. "Should we eat before or after?"

"Definitely after, I plan on working up one hell of an appetite."

"Mmm," he moaned into the phone and I could almost feel his breath in my ear, all hot and moist and ready. "See you soon, love."

"Be safe, baby," I whispered before hanging up. It was how we ended every conversation.

Slipping the headset back on, I said goodbye to the Pally I had promised to give a few free runs to and logged off. He'd be pissed at me for ditching him, and I'd get a lot of shit for it later, but I wasn't worried about it. Edward was coming over; he took priority over everything and everyone. After I set the headset on my desk again, I stood up and stretched, forcing myself not to look at the time on the television again.

But I failed.

Twenty minutes.

In twenty minutes, or less than that if I was fucking lucky, I would have Edward's dick in my mouth…or mine in his.

I laughed at the irony of the big, silver disco ball dropping at the same time that I hoped his balls would be dropping right into my….

The phone vibrated on my desk again, and played "The Imperial March" from "Star Wars", a much less welcome ringtone.

Yeah, I was a geek, sue me.

"Hey, Mom," I answered with a heavy sigh.

"Hey, how's everything going?" she asked absently, not entirely concentrating on the conversation.

"Everything's fine."

"Is Edward coming?"

Not yet, I snickered to myself.

"Yeah, he's on his way."

"There's food in the fridge, leftover pizza, some milk…oh, and cookies on the count-"

"I know, Mom, you told me about a thousand times before you left, remember?" I asked, making no real attempt to hide my frustration.

"Okay, okay. We're all checked in at the Renaissance, we'll be home tomorrow afternoon."

"Got it, see you then," I rushed out, hoping she would take the hint.

She did.

"Bye, Jasper, have fun, oh, and happy New Year," she said before hanging up. Relieved, I hit the end button and put the phone on my bed, which was pristinely made if I did say so myself. As soon as I had gotten back from my morning run, I had changed my sheets and washed my blankets, ignoring the strange looks my mother gave me as I walked by her with an armload of fleece and cotton. I had spent most of the afternoon working on the homework I had refused to do, and then spent a few precious minutes with Edward before he had left for work.

He had barely walked into my room before I had the door closed and pushed him up against it. Surprised, he moaned into the kiss, his fingers weaving through my hair as I pressed my weight against him. I wasn't beyond thrusting into him a bit…alright, a fucking lot.

Breaking the kiss, my lips traveled over his jaw line to his ear. "There's just something about this forest green polo shirt that drives me wild," I admitted in a hoarse whisper.

His chest rumbled against me when he laughed. "That's just sick, Jasper. I swear, no matter what my mother washes it in, it still smells like the restaurant all the time."

Nuzzling my nose against his neck, I inhaled deeply, taking in his masculine scent mixed with the slight minty odor of his body wash. "Mmm, I disagree, all I smell is the incredible scent of eau de Cullen," I finished in my poor French accent.

"Fucking dork," he breathed as he tilted his head to give the dork more access to the spot right above his collar. When he felt me take the skin between my teeth and suck, he tensed. "No hickys."

Sighing, I released his skin and pulled away, giving him my best pout. "But…"

"No buts, last time I had to explain why I was wearing a turtleneck… in fucking August."

The pout turned to a smirk. "I just wanted to be sure everyone knew you were taken."

He leveled his gaze at me. "You wanted to embarrass the shit out of me because you knew Jessica and Bella were going to be there," he accused correctly.

"I can neither confirm nor deny," I smiled before leaning back in and capturing his lips before he could protest anymore. Several long minutes later, he pushed me away, my hands still buried in his hair, messing it up just that much more. "Don't go," I pleaded.

"I have to. I'll be back before midnight, I promise." Looking down, my hair fell in front of my face and I nodded. His hand went to my chin and he forced me to look up at him. "You okay?" Long fingers grazed my cheek to my hair, pushing the errant strands away from my face and securing them behind my ear.

Ignoring his question, I asked one of my own. "Are you nervous?"

It was a simple question, but it brought a scarlet rush to his cheeks before he shook his head. "No."



"How come?"

"Because it's you, and I love you and you love me…and it's our time." His voice soothed my frayed nerves, coating them with a potent silkiness and comfort that worked every time.

"Our time," I repeated, putting my forehead to his. "See you at midnight?"


As I kissed him one last time, I felt his hand move behind him, searching for the doorknob. Once he found his goal, he used his other than to push me back a step so that he could open the door.

"I love you," he mouthed once the door was opened.

"I love you, too," I whispered. "Be safe, baby."

"See you soon, love," he had promised, and then he was gone.

I muted the television again, put my phone into the iHome and selected my 'Edward' playlist, smiling when I heard the first song. It was the first song we had danced to. After I turned off the lights, I lit a candle and slapped some cologne on before finally laying down on my bed to wait.

I shifted my weight; I tossed and turned trying to find just the right position to be in when he walked through my door. I was aiming toward sexy, gorgeous, and undeniable but what I achieved was more along the lines of awkward, desperate, and really fucking eager.

The night had been almost two years in the making, two long years of denying our sexuality, our relationship, ourselves and our cocks.

After two very fucking long years, we were finally going to make love.

My parents had conveniently decided to spend New Year's Eve in Seattle with my mother's sister, leaving me home alone.

All alone.

Well, not completely, because in less than ten minutes, I was going to have company.

Naked Edward company.

Suddenly nervous, I rolled over and opened the drawer to my bedside table, exhaling when I saw the bottle of lube and condoms.

The lube was well used, but the condoms…those were new, never opened.

Well, besides the one I had taken out to try on, a practice run of sorts. I was a track athlete, you always took a practice lap, and the last thing I wanted to be was ready to enter Edward only to be delayed by fumbling with the condom.

I didn't expect the night to be perfect. Losing your virginity at seventeen, especially to your boyfriend, was never perfect, but it didn't matter.

It was Edward, and that alone would make it perfect.

It was something I had imagined countless times, our bodies joining together in all sorts of intimate ways, some we had experimented with, others new to us both, all of them bringing us an insane amount of pleasure. In my head, I heard the whispered words of love, the cries and moans of ecstasy, and the screams of each other's names as we breached places never before discovered. My heart raced at the thought of waking up with Edward in my arms, perhaps his cock pressed against my ass, wanting to go for a second found before my parents got home.

Moaning, I rolled onto my back and let my hand skim my chest, over my abdomen, to the bulge under my jeans. I wondered if I should get naked or if he wanted to do that part. Undressing each other suddenly sounded so fucking erotic, and time consuming. Thinking it best to be prepared, I unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans, it would just speed things along once he arrived. I couldn't resist my hand as it snuck under the waistband of my briefs. Hissing when my fingers grazed the head of my cock, I debated on whether or not masturbating would relax me.

Whipping my hand out, I decided no when I thought of the hurt look on Edward's face when he saw I had started without him. We'd had our share of mutual wanks, it was something we both enjoyed watching the other do. Nothing was sexier than Edward stroking himself, his shirt pulled up to his chest, his pants down around his thighs. It drove me insane when his head would fall back and his bottom lip was tugged between his teeth. The sounds he made, skin rubbing skin and soft moans, did me in, and I never failed to come before he did. Afterwards while we cleaned up, he would always brag about his superior endurance skills. I always rolled my eyes, although I knew once I was in him, once I felt his tight ass around my cock, I wouldn't last more than a few minutes. My cock throbbed at the image of Edward lying beneath me, spread and ready and hard.

Curious, I turned my head to the side and checked the time.


The disco ball was dropping and Edward's balls were nowhere to be seen.

"Fuck," I muttered under my breath before reaching over and picking up my phone. Dialing, I waited for him to answer.

He didn't.

"What the fuck," I sighed, putting the phone back in the cradle, waiting all of a minute before picking it up and redialing his number three more times. "Where the fuck is he?" Closing my eyes, I focused on his image, knowing that any second it would become reality.

I didn't know when I had fallen asleep, when my mind had finally given up the fight and let the slumber creep in, but I remembered my last thought was that when I opened my eyes again, he would be there with me.

The Imperial March woke me up and I groaned, having no idea what time it was or if I had been asleep for minutes or hours, but I rolled onto my side and blindly reached for my phone.

"Yeah," I mumbled sleepily. When I heard the soft crying, I was immediately awake, my eyes opening wide as I sat up. "Mom?"

It was muffled, but I could distinctly hear sobs.

"Mom," I said louder. "Are you okay? Is Dad okay?" I asked, my voice strained as I fought to maintain control. Looking at the clock on the table, I checked the time.

Four in the morning.

The curtain was still pulled aside a little, and my eyes went to the window. The snow was falling heavier, fat flakes floating randomly, aimlessly in the night sky. They were in a hotel three hours away, but perhaps my father had gone out for a late night snack, perhaps they had been on their way someplace after dinner, perhaps my world was about to implode.

"Mom?" I repeated in a weak voice, my heart pounding in my chest, anxiety tightening its long, strong tentacles around it, crushing the air from my lungs. I had no idea what was wrong, but it was something awful.

Then she said the words I feared more than all others.

"Jasper…it's Edward."


Thanks for reading~

Put your mind at ease, Edward is not dead.

A few details~ the chapters will alternate between both Jasper and Edward pov, they will also probably be shorter than my typical length, which given the angst level might be a good thing. I am going to attempt to have updates on the opposite weeks of M&A, if not sooner, assuming RL doesn't interfere too much. I'm not sure on length of the story yet, but it will be 10+ chapters at least, knowing me, more than likely more.

Dannie and I are excited to announce round two of The Slash awards! Nominations start August first, so get ready to pick out your favorite slash kiss, ILY, Domsper, Inkward etc. Details are here http:/ theslashawards DOT blogspot DOT com - Follow us on twitter theslashawards

Lastly, M&A was nominated for Best Slash for a Golden Lemon Award (M&A, lemons? Really?) You can see the other nominees and vote here http:/ www DOT goldenlemonawards DOT com