A/N: This is for raffle winner AznFlyingKitty! This takes place 6 years after Advent Children.
Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII.
Warning(s): Language and the fact that this is nothing but humor…
Sephiroth, The Bedtime Storyteller
"…and thus the super-evil-sexy villain said "I…will never be a memory…" and discentegrated to dust. The ugly-wimpy-weak hero sighed as he thought that the battle was over, but then gasped in shock when he saw the beautiful villain regenerate and smirk before…BAM! The said villain punched the hero so hard in the face that he slammed through five buildings! The beautiful villain then used his silky-feathered black wing to fly over and inspect the damage he caused on the puny hero. He let out his sexy-yet-evil laugh when he saw the chocobo headed hero knocked out with one punch and a nice size bump on his head. MUHAHAHA! The sexy villain laughed. He then flew up high into the air and announced to the entire planet with his handsome-yet-evil voice: I AM THE CALAMITY'S SON! BOW DOWN BEFORE YOUR RULER! He laughed when he heard the screams of the innocent as the skies turned blacker than they were previously and as meteors on fire fell from the sky and scorched the Planet, causing chaos amongst the land as the villain claimed the Planet for his mother to use as a vessel! SLOOPSH! CRACKLE! PLOW! SM-"
"Sephiroth, what the hell are you doing?"
Sephiroth muttered before he turned to face the blond that was leaning against the door frame emotionlessly.
"I was telling the children a bedtime story."
Cloud rolled his eyes before narrowing them, ignoring the awes that the children made..
"If you're going to tell them a story, try telling it accurately and not whatever crap that pops into your mind!"
"But it was accurate, mommy! It fits in with the rest of the story that daddy was trying to tell us last night before you interrupted him." One of the three children said as the other two nodded in agreement in their beds.
"Kadaj, don't stick up for your father."
"Aww! Why not?"
"Yes, dear, why not?" Sephiroth asked with narrowed eyes.
"Because it will get him into trouble." Cloud said to Sephiroth before turning back and facing the children.
"You three should have been asleep fifteen minutes ago. Go to sleep now, kids. Sephiroth can tell you a new and more appropriate story tomorrow."
"We don't want a new story! Let Daddy finish this one tomorrow!" Yazoo pouted.
"Or tonight!" Loz happily added. Cloud sighed.
"The only way daddy is going to finish that story is if he tells it properly." Cloud said as he came in the room and re-tucked the triplets into their beds, ignoring the smirk that his husband had on his face.
"You mean that the super-evil-sexy villain didn't take over the Planet?" Kadaj asked.
"Or kill the annoying-Cetra wench because he knew that it would make the ugly-wimpy-weak hero cry like a sissy little girl?" Yazoo asked.
"And didn't set the ugly-wimpy-weak hero's town on fire because he was just evil like that?" Loz added.
Cloud blinked at his three children before turning around to glare at Sephiroth, who had a smile on his face, then turned around to give the children a smile.
"Did you want to know how the story really ends?"
"Yes!" The three children shouted.
"Alright. The so called 'super-evil-sexy' villain died by the hands of the 'ugly-wimpy-weak' hero, who was no way near being ugly, wimpy, or weak by the way. In fact, the hero had plenty of people willing to date him and the villain just so happened to be jealous that the hero was thinking about dating the Cetra. Not to mention that it was the hero's third time defeating the villain."
Cloud grinned when he heard Sephiroth snort in anger.
"Long story short, the villain re-appears a month later after the hero saves the Planet once again, claiming his long unrequited love to the hero. The hero foolishly accepts his love and ends up with three buns in the oven by the said villain. The hero tells the villain of the buns and the villain tries to leave the hero like the coward he was, but-"
"The villain wasn't a coward! He was caught off guard that the hero could even carry buns! He just needed some fresh air and time to let it all soak in. He was going to come back!" Sephiroth argued, but Cloud ignored him.
"The hero quickly changed the villain's mind when the hero took away what the villain considered precious to him."
"What was it mommy?" Yazoo asked.
"His long hair. The hero cut off most of his long hair and watched as the villain crumbled to the floor and cried in pain and agony."
"So he cried like a girl?" Kadaj said while he and his brothers laughed.
"He wasn't crying! He was yelling in anger and just so happened to get wood chips in his eyes when he slammed his fist on the floors!" Sephiroth argued again, but Cloud continued to ignore him, and so did the kids.
"Yes he did, Kadaj. It was quite humorous from the hero's point of view. Since the villain lost his hair, he no longer had the will to leave the hero since he became afraid of what the hero might do next if he still attempted to leave him. The villain decided to marry the hero and settle down in a nice house in the forest to raise their family. The end…" Cloud said with a smile.
"That was a cool ending mommy!" Loz said.
"Psh! That was the most ridiculous ending I have ever heard! Mine was a lot better! It had action, sound effects and-"
"Was pure bullshit." Cloud said as he cut his eyes at his husband.
"You're pure bullshit!"
The children laughed as the saw the shocked expression on their father's face. They stopped when they saw his face change from shock to pure anger.
"Uh-oh…" They muttered.
"What did you just say?"
"I said: Your mother, meaning that she is pure bullshit, and no I'm not talking about Lucrecia."
"Well, at least my mother didn't burn up like a New Year's turkey left in the oven too long."
The children gasped as they saw their mother slowly get up from the bed, fists clenched in anger.
"Really? At least my father didn't experiment on me like I was a lab rat! Come to think of it, I think lab rats were treated better!"
"At least I know who my father is…how about you Cloud?"
"Kids…go to bed. Your father and I need to have a nice, long chit-chat..." Cloud said as he angrily grabbed Sephiroth's hair and dragged him out of the room, with Sephiroth yelling for him to let go. The kids looked at one another as they heard their parent's room door slam shut before the got out of their beds and looked down the hallway where their parents' room was located. Though they were down the hall, they could clearly hear the loud screaming and cursing coming from their mother, glass and other furniture being thrown and breaking, and their father yelling at their mother for him to calm down and stop throwing things at him.
"Kadaj, do you think they'll be alright?" Loz asked worriedly.
"Yeah, they'll be just fine. You know how it goes, daddy starts telling us a bedtime story, mommy comes in and tells him to tell it to us properly, they get into an argument that extends to something else, leave and fight in their room, then mommy starts to yell, "I forgive you!", "Please don't stop!", "Harder!", "I'm close!", and "Oh Sephiroth!" as daddy evilly chuckles."
Kadaj was proved right as they heard their mother moan as their dad started chuckling.
"See? They're fine…"
"I guess…I wonder what they're doing in there to make mommy go from being mad to being happy again."
"I know what we can do to find out! We'll ask daddy to tell us tomorrow as a bedtime story!" Yazoo happily suggested.
"Or we could quietly open their door to find out…" Kadaj grinned.
"That'll work…" Yazoo shrugged as he and Loz quietly followed after Kadaj. Long story short, Sephiroth had to tell the children another bedtime story that night about how children should never bust in their parents' bedroom at nighttime because they could witness something scary and horrible, could end up scarred for life, and a big scary monster would come to get them if they did it again. Cloud never came in their room to their room to tell Sephiroth to tell the story properly due to the embarrassment of their children catching him with mini-Sephiroth in his mouth. It was best that he let Sephiroth finish his storytelling for once…
A/N: Once again, that was very humorous to write! Haha! Hoped you enjoyed!