Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.



I woke up with a scream. I looked around frantically, but calmed down when I saw where I was. I sighed with relief. I was home, home in my own room, in my own bed. There were no naked asshole werewolves lurking around. Thank God! I let myself fall back down on the bed, with a deep sigh.

"I need to get laid," I groaned tiredly rubbing my brow. I felt heat rise on my cheeks as my mind brought me back to the dream, or should I say nightmare, that ripped me from my sleep. The dream featuring one of my most hated werewolves, Paul.

"Fuck! I really need to get laid."

I was having freaking sex dreams about Paul Marez. Please God, say it isn't so. This whole no-sex-with-Edward situation, was getting out of hand. For me to actually think about Paul in a sexual way, was insane. Alright, I'll be the first to tell you the guy has some nice abs, but actually fantasizing about licking those abs...whooh, I shuddered dramatically at the thought.

Coffee, I needed lots and lots of coffee, anything to keep my ass awake and in a Paul-free-zone.

I took a deep breath, and fantasized about killing Edward. It was his fault after all, ever since we came back from Italy, I had been trying to seduce Edward.
You wouldn't believe the crazy shit I've done to try and capture his attention. But the guy just won't budge. All he ever does, is give me this... disapproving, 'I'm so disappointed in you' look.

He makes me feel like I'm trying to fuck over Mother Teresa, and frankly, its humiliating. Trying to seduce someone that's suppose to love and want you, but only getting rejection in return is painful in more ways then one. Since he lives in a house full of vampires who have all been blessed with special hearing, everyone gets to witness my humiliation.
Every time I walk into a room after yet another of my failed seductions, I am met with looks of pity. Now that, is fucking embarrassing.
I swear to god I'm starting to think Emmett might have had a point with the whole Edward being gay thing.
This has been a nightmare and I'm not really sure I can take much more of this crap. I'm a girl, I have needs, and my need right now is telling me that I need to get fucking laid.

A plan was forming in my mind. Fuck! I can't believe I've never thought about it before.
Since my seduction techniques seem to suck ass, I'm gong to need to find someone who knows a thing or two about sex and seduction.
And ask -or possibly beg- him to teach me the ropes.
The problem is how do I talk Alice out of ratting out my plan to Edward? He has her watching my future so closely she knows what colour my panties are. She's not going to help me, of that I was certain. The only way to get her of my back was by distracting the little garden gnome from hell. I could always beg Jasper to take one for the team and distract her freakishly tiny ass by having a sex-athon. I couldn't help but feel sorry for him, poor guy, having to actually touch her. I shuddered at the thought. Ah well, sacrifices have to made for the sake of my sex life, Jasper is just going to have to deal, and it's not like he actually minds touching her. At that thought, I shuddered some more. The dude obviously had some kind of hole in his head messing with his judgment.

I sighed when I realized my carefully thought out plan would never work. She would see it coming from a mile away, stupid seer. I tried clearing my mind and halt any decisions I was unconsciously making. I immediately started thinking about La Push. The only place Alice can't see what I'm up to, is in La Push, or if I'm with a werewolf. That means I'm going t have to take my... 'teacher' down to La Push or, I needed to find myself a hot experienced werewolf that wouldn't mind teaching me, the girl they all see as sister, to seduce their greatest enemy. Yeah, good luck with that ever happening.

This was going to be a problem.