Bestiality is Not My Game
Brian went over to the kitchen table and sat by himself with an angry, jealous face. Something was troubling him. When he first saw Lois when Peter had brought him to the Griffin household many years ago, he became infatuated with her. He knew it would be wrong for him to actually try to have sex with his best friend's wife. Still, he could not help but fantasize about her amazing body. He thought his dreams would come true when he got married to Lois briefly when Peter went missing. But that was a sexless marriage! And to think she had only been one day away from having sex with him! If only he had waited one extra day to tell Lois to see if Peter would take her back! What he wouldn't give to go back in time just to wait one extra day to tell Lois that. Of course, he would not be brooding over his sexless marriage with Lois had it not been for that news report showing that she had been visiting the erotic massage parlor. It wasn't fair. If she was going to turn to other people for sex, why couldn't he be one of the ones she turned to for sex? Stewie then came into the kitchen, interrupting the dog's thoughts.
"Hello, dog," said Stewie. "How's it going?"
"I'm fine," replied Brian matter-of-factly.
"I know there's something wrong with you, dog. I can tell you're angry and jealous about something, aren't you? Tell me, why are you upset?" asked Stewie.
"I don't want to talk about it, okay?" replied Brian in annoyance.
"You won't tell me, eh? Well that's okay because I already know what it is. It obviously has something to do with that news report that just came on. But what exactly could it be? Could it be you're upset that Peter got hurt? Or could it be that you weren't one of those people in bed with Lois? I bet it's the second one. Seems like everybody in Quahog is getting some action from Lois. Everybody but you."
"It's not fair!" yelled Brian. "I was married to Lois, and even then it didn't happen. For the love of God, if she's going to have sex with other people, why can't she at least do it with me?" the dog shouted in frustration. "By the way, how did you know exactly what was wrong with me?"
"I saw that look in your eyes after that news report came on. I've known you for quite a while. I should recognize such a look from you. Well, see you later."
Yes, it is gonna be so much fun to torture that dog! Stewie thought evilly.
An hour later, the entire family, except for Peter, was downstairs eating dinner. Peter had chosen to go to the Drunken Clam to drink away his sorrows, though no one knew exactly where he was. Lois was very upset about being humiliated and hurting her husband. But when she heard her little baby Stewie calling out to her, she smiled a little, knowing that someone was there to bring a little joy in her night.
"Up! Stewie wants to go up," said Stewie. Lois picked up Stewie.
"Oh, my little baby Stewie. Mommy's very upset right now, but at least you're here to brighten my day."
"Stewie wants candy kisses."
Lois was still upset but kissed Stewie on the face a few times and cuddled with her little baby anyway. After all, it was the only thing that could cheer her up at the moment. "Who's my little boy?" Lois said playfully while holding Stewie in the air.
"Me, replied Stewie as Lois kissed him on the forehead. "Yes. Another! Another!" shouted an excited Stewie. "Ooooh! Mama has candy kisses. Mama's skin so smooth. Mmmmmm! Mama's skin so soft," said Stewie as Lois gave him kisses and rubbed her nose against his nose.
"Rrrrrrrrr!" growled Brian who was jealous of the fact that Stewie got to feel Lois's soft skin while he didn't.
"Brian, is something wrong?" asked Lois.
"Uh, no. I'm okay," he replied.
"Stewie wants more candy kisses."
Lois then kissed Stewie a few more times on his face while he giggled. Brian's face started turning red. Stewie turned around to enjoy the look of jealousy on Brian's face. Then Stewie formed a huge smile on his face and abruptly stuck his face into his mother's large breasts.
"All right! That's enough!" yelled Brian. Lois, Meg, and Chris turned their heads toward Brian and gave him puzzled looks, not knowing what was going on.
"Excuse me," said Brian. "I've been having a bad day. I need to go take a nap upstairs."
Half an hour later, the family finished dinner. Lois was sitting alone in her room on her bed, pondering about all that had happened today and experiencing an intense feeling of shame she had never felt before. Brian marched down the hall toward Lois and Peter's room.
"I can't get any action from Lois, can I? I'll show Stewie," Brian muttered to himself as he stormed up the stairs toward Lois and Peter's bedroom. Brian knocked on the door and entered.
"Hi, Brian. Listen, are you all right? You seemed very upset at dinner tonight?"
"Yeah, it's nothing. But I came here to see if you were okay. I know you must be upset about being publicly humiliated today and not being able to control your urges. If you ever need anything, I'm here for you."
"Thank you, Brian. That's very sweet of you. I'm actually more upset about hurting Peter than I am about being humiliated. I don't know how that story became public news." Then she paused and started to sob a little. "I don't know what's wrong with me. It's just been really difficult for me to control myself lately. It's like I can't think about anything but sex. I just don't know what to do."
"Well Lois, I'm not sure how you can control yourself, but there's no need to try to cure yourself right away. Overcoming these urges is something that's going to take time."
"But hey, if you can't control your sexual urges, maybe we could experiment with a little bestiality," he added slyly while sliding his paw across Lois's leg.
It was this last sentence that made Lois realize the dog was not really trying to help her. He was trying to take advantage of Lois's unfortunate situation to get some action. This made her so angry that she punched the dog in the nose hard, causing the dog's nose to bleed.
"Oh God!" cried Brian as he covered his bloody nose with both his hands. While he was covering his nose, Lois used this opportunity to kick Brian in the groin really hard. "AHHHH!"
"How dare you, Brian! I need help with my problem, but you just wanted to take advantage of my uncontrollable urges to have sex with me. Bad dog!"
Brian left the room in severe pain. "Okay, I guess I had that coming," he said to himself.
Stewie came across Brian lying down in the hallway and noticed his bloody nose. "Well, what happened to you, dog?"
"I told…Lois…we could try some bestiality," he replied in a weakened, effeminate voice.
"Well I guess you've learned your lesson. The lesson that everybody but you gets to have sex with Lois. By the way, I am going to keep getting candy kisses from Lois. And I will keep sticking my face into Lois's boobs so I can make your life a living hell!" Stewie spat in the dog's face and walked away.
The next day, after Lois had dropped the kids off at school, Lois was holding Stewie in the den area with Brian chilling on the rug. Stewie continued his act of torturing Brian by getting Lois's "candy kisses" and nuzzling into her large breasts. There was nothing Brian could do to stop Stewie. He growled in frustration, left the den, and went into Stewie's room.
Hmmm, the dog thinks he can get away from me by switching rooms. Well, I'll show him.
"Oh, mommy, I want to go into my room."
"Stewie wants to take a nap? Well okay," replied Lois.
Lois carried her little baby into his room and gently placed him in the crib. Stewie took note of the dog sleeping on the floor.
"Goodbye, my little sweetie. Mommy has to go do some chores," said Lois.
"Wait! I want to go uppie."
Lois picked up her little baby and gave him more "candy kisses."
Brian tried to cover his ears with his hands, but Stewie's giggling noises were too loud. "ALL RIGHT! THAT'S ENOUGH!" yelled Brian who then stormed into Chris's room to sleep.
As soon as Brian left, Stewie said, "That's enough. Stewie wants to go to bed now."
"Awww, my little baby is tired. Well, have a good nap." Lois gave Stewie one more kiss on his forehead before placing him back into the crib.
After Lois had left, Stewie hopped out of his crib and walked into Chris's room where the dog was lying down. Stewie then started walking around Brian in circles.
"Hello, dog," said Stewie.
"Please stop torturing me," Brian said softly.
"You can't take it anymore, can you? You can't stand the fact that I'm getting to receive her candy kisses and rub up against her soft skin while you don't. It's driving you insane, isn't it?"
"It's driving you crazy that I get to put my face into her boobs while you don't. In fact, it's making you so insane that you would do just about anything to have your way with her, wouldn't you?"
"I said please stop!" Brian repeated.
"Well I have a way I can make it happen," said Stewie.
"I said stop it! Wait! What was that last thing you said?"
"I was just saying that I have a way you can get action from Lois."
"But how?" asked Brian.
"Behold!" said Stewie, pulling out a test tube filled with a blue, sparkling liquid. "I am an evil baby genius, and I was able to make this potion."
"What does that potion do?" asked Brian curiously.
"Anyone who drinks this potion will remain unconscious for 4 hours. Just think. You could have Lois drink this potion and do whatever you want to her."
"Wait a minute! This has to be a trick. We all know you have an obsessive quest for killing Lois. What if this is really deadly poison?"
"I assure you, this is not poison," replied Stewie. "And to prove it, I suggest we try it out on Herbert's dog, Jesse."
"Good idea," replied Brian.
Stewie and Brian walked outside, and Stewie fed some of the potion to Herbert's dog. The dog instantly collapsed on the ground. "All right, now let's hurry up and go watch some TV inside," Stewie said urgently.
"Maybe we should look at the dog for a little longer to make sure it's okay," said Brian.
"NO! I SAID LET'S GO NOW! JOLLY FARM IS ABOUT TO START!" Stewie grabbed the dog by the arm and hastily dragged him into the house.
After Lois had left to go pick up the kids from school, Brian and Stewie walked outside, and surely enough, Herbert's dog was moving along the grass in his usual slow, plodding pace. "Well, I guess you were telling the truth," said Brian. "Okay, I just needed to know that it wasn't poisonous."
"Well, aren't you going to give it to Lois now that you know it isn't deadly?"
"No," replied Brian. "I just needed to make sure this wasn't one of your attempts to kill Lois."
"But then you won't get to have your way with her," said Stewie.
"Well that may be, but it's wrong to drug a woman just to have your way with her."
Brian took Stewie back into the house. Mark my words, dog, you will give that potion to Lois.
At dinner that night, Stewie started his routine of getting "candy kisses" from Lois. Cuddling with Stewie almost made Lois forget how depressed she was.
"Mmmmmm. Stewie likes mama's candy kisses." Stewie then glanced over to Brian. After a few minutes of "candy kisses," Stewie started to focus his attention on Lois's breasts. "Stewie likes cuddling with mommy. Mmmm. Mama's breasts so big," Stewie said as he was cuddling with Lois and putting his face into her boobs. Stewie spent more time than usual nuzzling into Lois's breasts. He knew he had to focus most of his attention on this in order to make Brian jealous enough to want to give Lois the potion. And Stewie's plan seemed to be working because he could hear Brian's growls of jealousy.
Meanwhile, Lois continued to think that her baby was simply cuddling with her. "My goodness, aren't you affectionate tonight," she said to her little baby.
"Grrrrrrr…" growled Brian in jealousy.
Brian walked into Stewie's room and said, "All right, Stewie. I've changed my mind. You win."
"Really? What made you change your mind? Was it because you saw me sticking my face into Lois's boobs?"
"Yes, now give me the potion so I can make Lois unconscious and have sex with her." Stewie gave Brian the potion.
"By the way, how exactly are you going to give Lois the potion?" asked Stewie.
"I am going to mix this potion with a rum and coke," Brian replied.
"Excellent plan," said Stewie. "There's just one more thing I need to tell you."
"After she drinks the potion and collapses, I want you to wait one minute before you start doing anything to her. This is to make sure that she really is unconscious. If she still appears unconscious, then you'll know for sure that my potion has worked and you can start having your way with her."
"Okay, I'll do that."
Brian went downstairs to make the rum and coke and then added Stewie's potion to the drink. Brian then marched upstairs to Lois's room. "Hi, Lois. Listen, I hope there are no hard feelings the other day. I was out of line and I'm sorry."
"That's okay. I forgive you."
"I just want you to know that if you ever need anything, I'm here for you. To patch things up, I brought you this rum and coke."
"Thank you, Brian. That's very sweet of you."
Lois drank a sip of the rum and coke. She passed out on the bed, dropping the cup on the floor. She passed out in such a way that her face was directed to the side of the wall and not the door of the bedroom. Brian then followed Stewie's advice and started waiting for one minute to pass.
The minute had passed. He waved his hands in front of Lois's face but saw no movement in her eyes. "Lois," he called out. But Lois was still lying on the bed motionless. Convinced that Lois was passed out, Brian formed a huge smile on his face. He stared directly at her chest. At this moment, Lois began to regain consciousness. She saw that her drink had been spilled on the floor. However, Brian was unaware that Lois had just woken up, partially because her face was not directed in Brian's direction but also because Brian was focusing his attention on her chest.
"Yeah! I am gonna do stuff to you even Peter has never done to you before," Brian said to himself, thinking he was about to finally have his way with Lois's body.
After seeing her drink spilled on the floor and hearing what Brian had just said, Lois realized what the dog was about to do to her. Brian slowly moved his paw toward one of her boobs, but then he felt something grab it, stopping him in his path before he could touch it. He then looked up and saw a terrifying glare from Lois. Brian momentarily became paralyzed with fear.
"I know what you were about to do to me," said Lois as she shoved Brian's arm away.
Brian, realizing that he was in deep trouble, tried to think of an excuse. "No, it's not what you think. I was just…" But Brian was unable to think of an excuse. "Lois, please don't tell Peter about this," he begged softly.
"I'm not gonna tell Peter. And I won't even call the cops on you. But I…am going…to teach…you…a lesson."
Brian backed up into a corner, and as Lois cornered him, he knew what was coming. The camera zoomed in on the angry face of Lois. Then the camera cut to the door of the bedroom which was closed. Screams of pain from Brian could be heard as Lois pummeled him.
Brian was lying in a hospital bed completely covered in bandages, looking like a mummy. Dr. Hartman then entered the room.
"Well, Brian, it appears you have a broken leg, some bruised ribs, and various other injuries, but I think they will heal up just fine. Because of your broken leg, you won't be able to move for about three weeks. Make sure you stay lying down while your broken leg heals. Otherwise, if you try to get up, it will hurt like hell and take a lot longer to heal."
Lois entered the room with Stewie in a baby seat. "All right, Brian. Dr. Hartman and I are going outside to discuss the hospital bill. I'm leaving Stewie in this room buckled in his seat while I step outside with the doctor. You do realize you deserve this for what you were about to do to me, don't you? Bad dog!" Lois and Dr. Hartman then stepped outside, leaving Brian in the room alone with Stewie.
Stewie unbuckled himself and walked over to the dog's hospital bed.
"Well, dog, what happened to you?" he asked.
"I gave her the rum and coke with the potion mixed in it. Anyway, I was about to have my way with her, but then she woke up and realized what I was about to do to her. Then she beat the crap out of me. For some reason she only stayed unconscious for one minute instead of four hours. I don't get it. Why didn't she stay unconscious?"
"Well that was my plan all along," Stewie responded.
"What do you mean?" asked Brian.
"Well I know how you've always found Lois attractive and how much more you've been checking her out since her boobs got bigger. But I knew your morals were too high to simply drug a woman just to have your way with her. Therefore, I realized that the only way you would resort to such an action was if I made you desperate enough to do it. I realized the only way to make you desperate enough to do that was by making you jealous to the point where you would go insane. So I spent the last two days making you jealous."
"That still doesn't explain why she didn't stay unconscious."
"Well, there's a simple explanation for that. I lied to that. I told you she would stay unconscious for four hours, but the effects of the potion last for only one minute. When we tested the potion on Herbert's dog, didn't you notice that I tried to rush you back into the house? That was so you wouldn't realize the potion's effect didn't last as long as I told you it would. I knew I had made your level of desperation high enough to make you give her the potion. I told you to wait one minute to make sure she was really unconscious, but in reality it was to assure she would wake up before you got to do anything to her. I also knew you would first say something cheesy like, 'Yeah! I am gonna do stuff to you even Peter has never done to you before,' because that is what you always do. I also knew that she would realize what you were about to do to her because she would hear your cheesy line and see her drink spilled on the floor. And finally, I knew she would beat the crap out of you for trying to have your way with her. All part of my elaborate plan for getting back at you."
"Getting back at me? But why? What did I ever do to you?"
"Do you remember that time I got infected with that tainted holy water and had to live in that plastic bubble? And then you spray-painted the bubble completely black so that I couldn't see out of it?"
There was a brief pause.
"THAT'S WHY!" Stewie shouted angrily at the top of his lungs. "And because you're a douchebag," he then added menacingly.
"All right, Stewie. I am going to kick your ass!"
Stewie, seeing the dog all bandaged up, confidently said, "Bring it on, dog."
Brian got out of his hospital bed to kick Stewie's ass but then heard the sound of his bones snapping and felt a sharp pain in his legs, causing him to fall on the floor.
"OWWWWWWWW! I FORGOT! THE DOCTOR TOLD ME NOT TO GET UP. OHHH! IT HURTS SO MUCH. PLEASE HELP ME GET BACK IN BED!"
"Okay," said Stewie as he ran over toward Brian and kicked him really hard in the groin.