Title: Jane in the Box
WINNER OF BEST COMEDY IN THE SINGLE SHOT AWARDS!
Rating: M for multiple uses of inappropriate language. LOL
Word Count: 1490
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AN:This short little o/s came about after I wrote a drabble for the Twi25 and a couple of you asked me to continue it. Thanks to Tiffinicent for her help, JaspersBella for her pre-reading and ForksPixie for her knowledge (Check out Visions of Our Destiny by ForksPixie, it's amazing).
Reading the drabble is not required, but definitely recommended. You can find it here – http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)/s/5953195/7/The_Twilight_TwentyFive
Le fucking sigh.
Another day at the office.
Office. Even that word sounds wrong here.
I throw on my black button down shirt and slacks, along with the red cloak, my fucking uniform, and head towards the east wing where the motherfucking office is located. When I reach the double glass doors, I freeze.
There is an announcement on the wall. This does not bode well for my day.
Attention All Employees
We have implemented the following policies effective immediately.
1. All employees must clock in and out upon entering and leaving the office respectively. Please use the time-card located to the right of the front entrance.
2. All employees must take a mandatory 1 hour lunch and two 15 minute breaks.
3. Please be respectful and do not bring your lunch to the office with you. A distracted vampire is not a productive vampire.
4. Please familiarize yourself with the new mission and expense reporting system. All reports will be due within 24 hours of mission completion.
5. Full uniforms are required even when you are not currently on a mission. This is to encourage team solidarity.
6. Lastly, please refrain from using your abilities while on office time. We are here to provide a safe and happy work environment.
Failure to comply with any of the aforementioned policies will result in swift and severe punishment.
Thank you, in advance, for your continued cooperation.
What. The. Actual. Fuck?
I have a time-card now? I have to fucking clock in? I have a scheduled lunch break? No fucking abilities?
I glance to the right and quickly find the fucking time-card labeled with my name, clock in and enter the office.
And again I have to ask; What the actual fuck?
Where the fuck is my cubicle? Everything has been rearranged.
I scan the room, which now appears to have the added benefit of most of the cubicles having window views.
All of the cubicles, but mine. Which is located in the exact center of the room.
Oh, hells no.
Today, somebody dies.
"ARO?" I screech. He appears in front of me a millisecond later, looking rather pleased about something.
"Yes, dear one?"
"Why am I they only one who doesn't get a window? Why am I in the center of the goddamn room? And why the fuck is there an 11X14 framed picture of Edward and Bella on my motherfucking wall?"
I could hear the rest of the guard snicker from their window seats. Oh yeah, rule number 6, is going to be broken very soon.
"Did you not notice the Vampire Kitten poster, I put up for you, dear one?" He says this like it should make everything okay. It doesn't.
"Aro," I growled. "What the fuck is going on?"
"Jane, dear, one of your fellow employees graciously offered to redesign the office for better functionality. Think of it this way," he said in a sickly sweet voice that made me want to shove the goddamn vampire kitten poster up his ass. "You are in the center, because you are the center of the our world."
"Who. Did. This?" I was seething. Bloodlust was nothing compared to this. But I needed to be civil. After that last little email fuck you, I was still on probation.
Meh. It was worth it.
"It matters not," he proclaims dismissively, waving his hands around like he was twirling a fucking baton. "Now I believe you have a mission waiting. Please familiarize yourself with the details and be on your way."
I sigh and sit down, turning on my computer and opening my email.
You have 6 new emails
Subject: The New Office
I love this new office! My window overlooks the clock tower, it's quite a sight. Stop on by sometime and see. By the way, spiffy new picture of Edward and Bella on your wall.
That little asshole. I carefully reach out with my power, until I hear a low hiss and a mumbled "fuck."
"Oops," I call out. "Sorry, Felix."
"Whatever," he mumbles.
Subject: Vampire Kittens
Do you think this is possible? Cause I want one. You know, my 463 birthday is coming up. Could you make it happen? I'll even name it after you.
And congratufuckinglations Demetri, you've just made the shit list too.
Subject: New digs
I could totally decorate your cubicle if you want. Just putting the offer out there.
Subject: Be cool
Calm down, sis. You're going to get in trouble again.
Subject: RE: Be cool
Thanks for looking out for me bro.
Subject: Mission Details
Today your presence is requested in the south of France where a small fight has broken out between two covens. Aro has assured me of your ability to handle this task alone.
When you return, please feel free to ask for help regarding the new mission and expense reporting system.
She had to ask Aro if I could do it alone? Did she think I was incapable of completing simple tasks? Whatever? Torturing the humans was a definite no-no.
I print out the map, fold it up and place it in my pocket.
For vampires that sparkle, are window seats really safe? I mean, I know we are on the tenth floor, but still.
Have a safe trip!
Delete. God that girl's an idiot.
I turn off my computer and with a glare to Demetri, throw up my hood. Yep. He knows he's in trouble. I clock out, that's going to get old quick and make my way to the new underground tunnels that Aro had constructed to allow us free movement out of Volterra during daylight hours.
In no time at all, I reach my destination.
"Do you know who I am?" I ask the man with the brown hair. He is clearly the coven leader, his stance protective in front of the other two.
"Y-Y-Yes. You're Jane Volturi." He stutters. Since when do vampires fucking stutter. I should kill him just for that. But I like his fear.
"And you are?"
"I am Adrien Laferve and this is-"
"Don't care. Do you know why I was sent?"
"It's those damn Broussard's! They keep hunting in our territory!" He practically screams and I hear the too quiet footsteps of another vampire headed our way.
"We do no such thing," the man, apparently Broussard shouted back. "We were here first."
Fuck. This was giving me a goddamn migraine. I give them a good dose of my ability just to shut them the fuck up.
"Listen up assholes," I announce as I pull out the map and place it in front of the two coven leaders. "Let's just say there is an invisible line, right here. If either coven crosses said invisible line, I come back and kill you all. Deal? Excellent. Off you go then."
I love it when the fuckers run from me.
It's just after 3 am when I return to the office, once again clocking in. The mission was easy and other than not getting to kill anyone today, yet, it wasn't the worst day ever.
Until now, that is.
Because, oh god. I'm having a nightmare. I don't sleep and I'm in the middle of a fucking nightmare. Someone please tell me that we recruited those Amazon chicks and this is all an illusion.
My cubicle is now fucking hot pink and littered with pictures of kittens and unicorns.
And the topper? Right smack dab in the middle of the cubicle wall was a square hole, framed in wood.
"You did want a window, right?" Heidi asks from behind me.
I turn, to see the entire guard, trying to hold back laughter, most of them failing miserably.
Oh yes, my dears, venom will stain the walls tonight.
I look to my brother and nod. He knows it's coming. I watch as he quietly slips out the door.
And then it begins.
I unleash my power at full strength, dropping the assholes to their knees.
Weak, little fuckers.
I tear, and rip and throw their limbs about.
It was good times.
When Aro, Marcus and Cauis finally enter the office, I am sitting amongst the torn limbs of my fellow guard members.
"Jane! What have you done?" Aro asks, shock and disgust coloring his tone.
Cauis looks pissed, but that's normal. Marcus, amazingly enough, looks quite amused.
"Just some renovations," I reply with a small smile as I light a match and run like hell.
AN: What do you think?