"No, that's not possible! I saw them! I saw them haul you away! How are you standing here in front of me?" cried Monique.
"Yes! Exactly! I was arrested for stealing the Crystal Jaw of Appomattox, that much is true!" Calculon said as he held the mythical jaw in his right hand.
"Then how are you here?"
"That my dear is simple," he said as a devilish look came over his face. "After I was arrested I gave myself laser guided amnesia! In doing so, I completely forgot about my evil grave-robbing alter ego, thus proving my innocence! Since I had no knowledge of my crimes, no judge dared prosecute me!"
"That means you've come to see your son, haven't you?"
"Close. I've come to see... my daughter!"
"Woo! What a twist!" shouted Bender as he watched All My Circuits on the TV within Planet Express employee lounge with his best friend Fry. "I wonder how Calculon's estranged daughter will react upon finding out her own father is the very same person who robbed her twin sister's grave!"
"Isn't this like the time Calculon fond out his mother was actually his evil female future self from the past who tried to kill Calculon to prevent her future from disapearing?" Fry asked.
"NO!" shouted Bender, "Of course not! Don't be stupid! This is completely different! This time Calculon's great granddaughter from two hundred years in the future has traveled into the past to prevent Calculon from accidentally destroying the present with the powers of the evil voodoo witch who's currently hiding in the Crystal Jaw of Appomattox! Haven't you been paying attention?"
"Oh, now I see," Fry tilted his head slightly as he stared at the screen. "So, that girl is Calculon's granddaughter?"
"No! That's Calculon's nephew disguised as his aunt! What's so hard to understand?" grumbled Bender, who was growing increasingly annoyed with Fry's inability to remember what was happening on TV.
"What the hell happened in here?" exclaimed Hermes who had just entered the room to find the floor covered in garbage. Cans of Slurm piled high as the eye could see. Newspapers that could have been years old judging by the color of the paper lay scattered across the couch the two sat upon. Shoes, sandals, and roller-skates were scattered across the the room, with one hanging from the ceiling for seemingly no reason.
"I can explain that..." Fry raised his left hand as if he were in a class room being called upon to answer a question by the teacher. "You see, me and Bender, we were having a fight-"
"A shoe throwing fight!" Bender interrupted.
"Right, so we gathered up all the shoes we could find, but Bender told me it isn't really a shoe fight unless roller-skates are involved."
"What about that one hanging from the ceiling?" Hermes growled as he focused his eyes on the shining red and blue rollerskate that was stuck on the ceiling... or rather in the ceiling.
"Oh! Oh! I can explain that one!" Bender began, "You see, I was trying to nail Fry with that one to send him flying out the window! But my aim was a little off, so it got lodged up there in the ceiling instead. No big deal."
"No big deal? What is wrong with you two? If we don't get that roller-skate out of the ceiling it will continue to crack until the entire building comes crashing down around us!" Hermes yelled as a small crack began to form and move it's way away from the roller-skate further across the ceiling above them. "Didn't you two learn your lesson the last time you got kicked out of Planet Express for your disgusting behavior?"
"No. Bender doesn't learn anything, and that was so long ago, I completely forgot until now." Fry squinted as he suddenly just who he was having a conversation with, "What do you want, Hermes? You usually don't talk to us except to inform us of something bad. Did you sell us into slavery?" asked Fry.
"No, mon. I'm looking for my stapler. I'm pretty sure I left it in here."
"What the hell do you need that for? You've already got plenty of staplers!" shouted Bender, raising his arms in the air.
"Yes, but I've got to fill out a Pine Green form, which requires Midnight Blue staples. I only have one Midnight Blue stapler, and I'm certain I left it in here!"
Fry crawled over to the other side of the couch, over Bender much to his dismay, and began shifting through the trash. He threw an old pizza box to his side, followed by numerous cans of Slurm, and a few shoes from the previous fight. He reached down deep into the pile of filth, and began moving his hand back and forth, feeling around with his hand. "Ah," Fry exclaimed as he raised his hand into the air, holding a blue stapler, "this what you're looking for?"
"My stapler!" cried Hermes as he rushed over and snatched it from Fry's hand. Which may not have been the best idea as Hermes soon found out. As soon as the stapler entered into his hands, he felt a cold, slimy substance coated it. Not only that, but the stapler itself gave off a terrible odor. It was as if something had died, and then something had crawled into that, then vomited, then died itself, and then thrown into a pot filled with the moldy food from Fry's apartment. Even though things weren't supposed to mold in the thirty first century, Hermes somehow knew the food in Fry's apartment was just covered in it. It was green, white, and red. That was the color of his food. And that smell, the smell of death, that was the smell of Hermes' stapler. He held his stapler away from his face, and gasped for air. The stench was far too overpowering, so Hermes dropped his blue stapler into a plastic bag, at least for the moment. "How did you find it in this godforsaken mess?"
"Simple. I knew where it was."
"But, but... Look at this room! It's amazing that you can find your way in and out!"
"Maybe for you, but I find that things are easiest to find when everything is dirty. That way you know where they are. It's when things are clean that they really get lost!" Fry explained.
"Shut up! The news is trying to tell me things!" Bender yelled.
"Today is Kira-Worship-Day, the day when all Earthlings express their love, and gratitude for their god and eternal savior, and thank him for killing all the bad people," explained Morbo.
"Sounds like a great day to light some fireworks, right Morbo?" asked Linda.
"Puny humans easily blow off their limbs with faulty fireworks. Morbo will enjoy his Kira-Worship-Day by spending it watching human heads explode," explained Morbo, which was quickly followed by the sound of Linda's laughter.
"Kira-Worship-Day? What's that?" Fry thought aloud.
"Fry, how long have you been in the future now, and you still haven't noticed an annual holiday?" Hermes sighed with disbelief.
"About eleven years. Not counting all those times I've gone back in time, or forward through time, or faded out of existence," answered Fry.
"Well you'd better start paying attention! I can't be the one to always explain these things to you!" and with that Hermes stormed out of the room, carrying the bag with his stapler in it in front of him, and making a mental note to wash his hand as soon as possible.
"Phew. That was a close one," exclaimed Bender, "I was sure he was going to make us clean up this place!"
"That reminds me," Hermes said turning back around the corner and peaking into the room, "you two had better clean this place up or else!"
"Or else what? We're fired?"
"Yes! And then after you're fired I'll have you killed!"
"What?" gasped Bender. "You can't do that!"
"Oh can't I? I happen to know a guy, who knows a guy, who knows a guy who's known for taking care of problems... and he knows a guy who kills people! So you'd better clean up this place before I get back, or else you'll find yourself at the bottom of a barrel filled with green snakes without a sugar cane! Have you ever seen how green snakes act when they're deprived of their sugar cane? Believe me when I say, you don't want to! No, no, no!" and with that Hermes once again left the two alone.
Bender cursed under his breath as he slowly picked up garbage off the floor, "Stupid no-good Midnight Blue Hermes, always thinking that he can- Hey!" Bender shouted as he looked up to see Fry exiting the room, "Aren't you going to help me clean?"
"Sorry, Bender, I can't, I'm busy tonight."
"What? But you love to clean up after me!"
"That doesn't sound like me..." Fry paused to think about it, before shrugging it off. "Anyway, I have to get ready for my date with Leela, we're going to-"
"Leela this, Leela that. It's like that's all you ever talk about anymore!"
"Bender, you'll have to get used to this now that Leela and I are dating. Don't worry, I'll be back later tonight."
"Fine. Whatever. I don't need you. Just leave me alone to rust and die, like a pet owner who gets a new cat, and forgets all about Bender. Who's that they'll say, and you'd answer 'Oh, it's no one'. No one indeed! Just Bender! The very same Bender who you promised to love and cherish! But now that you've got your fancy new poodle you don't need old Bender anymore, is that how it is? Like a caveman who gets a new dinosaur and forgets all about their pet dragon! Well dragons need love too, damn it! You hear me, Fry?"
"Sure, whatever you say, Bender!" Fry called out.
Bender looked out the window to see Fry was already outside, stepping inside a taxi. He clearly hadn't heard a word Bender said. "Sigh," Bender sighed.