A/N: This was written purely for fun. It is stupid. It is lame. It is weird. It is just a parody. I don't hate Degrassi or anything, I just like making fun of stuff. Even stuff I like. And I don't own Degrassi so don't sue me.
It was a delightful afternoon for Holly J and Declan who were making out feverishly on a couch.
"Hey guys," Fiona said. "Look...I don't mean to be the bad guy here, but seeing as I really haven't had a decent plotline yet, I was wondering if maybe you could include me in your drama."
Holly J sat up and looked her square in the eye. "Listen Fi-oh-nuh," she hissed. "You may think that you're so important just because you're Declan's sister, but listen here," she stood up. "I've been dating your brother for three months I think I have more of a right to monopolize his time, completely crush his character development, and endlessly obsess over him than you do!"
Fiona gasped. "I was just asking if either of you two could help me get a plotline. I've been on the show for a whole season and all anyone knows about me is that I'm hot and I have a brother."
"I know," Holly J said. "But approximately 85% of Degrassi fans liked me better as a bitch so if you want your little plotline you better pull a complete character 180 and start irrationally hating me. You might want to start by doing something insane like stealing my job or kiss my boyfriend who happens to be your brother but still somehow looks hotter with you than with me."
Declan flinched. "For fuck's sake, H J."
"Yeah, that was a little uncalled for," Fiona said. "Besides, don't most fans want you and me to go gay and make out, leaving Declan free to fly back to Degrassi and jump Clare's bones?"
"First of all, just because I completely monopolize every female friend I have and crush her chances of ever finding a boyfriend does not make me a lesbian," Holly J said. "And second, just because the person writing this fic has a pathetic and slightly inappropriate crush on you and uses me as a self-insert sometimes does NOT mean that we should end up together."
"You said it, H J," Declan grinned and then kissed her for ten minutes while a bad love song by Ke$ha played in the background.
"Ugh you two are so gross," Fiona said. "How many more episodes do we really need to devote to you two making out and angsting?"
Declan sighed. "Aw, don't feel bad, Fi. You had a plotline. Remember how you told that gay guy off for beating somebody up sometime during season 9."
Fiona frowned. "That was actually one of the worst episodes in Degrassi history. Everyone who saw it just pretended it never happened. Even fag hags just like to pretend Peter ripped his pants off and made angsty love to him for hours in that episode where they kissed. And that I either never existed, am in angsty twincest love with you, or am hopelessly pining over Holly J."
Holly J frowned. "Puh-leeze. I will never date you, Fiona. I'll always just be your way too close best friend who acts like she might as well be dating you but then completely forgets you exist anytime Declan is around."
"Doesn't that seem a little unfair?" Fiona asked. "I mean, you're now my only chance at ever getting a plotline and Degrassi hasn't done lesbianism since season five. Besides, the fact that there are no bisexuals on this show ever except Paige who only dated one girl ever kind of creates some unfortunate implications."
Holly J rolled her eyes. "Yeah but this isn't about social justice, it's about making preteens hot. Everyone who doesn't want me with Spinner wants me with Jane. And some people want me with both of them at the same time."
"Or both of you with Declan at the same time," Fiona said.
"Or both of us with Declan at the same time," Holly J finished.
"God, why does everyone think I'm a man slut?" Declan whined. "I haven't been that for like FIVE WHOLE EPISODES. And geez the only reason I was hooking up with every already taken girl I could find was so everyone would think I was a bad boy, just making my big sensitive hookup with Holly J EVEN HOTTER to fourteen-year-old Twilight fans."
"And it worked," Fiona said. "Just look at Clare. She even wrote off-brand Twilight fanfics about you, posted them all over the internet, and wasn't smart enough not to use your real name."
Declan smiled. "I know, man. If this show didn't have ridiculous double-standards about sexual assault I might actually be upset that she grabbed me out of nowhere and bit me."
Fiona nodded. "Speaking of, I'd really like to assault you and pass out in your arms."
"You what?" Declan asked.
"Well," Fiona said. "I mean since our pilot a LOT of people have started not only thinking we're together but also changing their social opinion of incest entirely."
"Oh come on," Declan said. "Name one person who wants me and you to kiss."
Fiona opened her laptop, logged on to FanFiction, and found 4,000,986 examples of people who wanted them to kiss.
"Oh," he smiled. "I get it. So we need to kiss and I need to look like I like it for a split second so that shippers can have a hot new clip for their twincest videos."
Fiona nodded. "Exactly."
"Well okay," Declan said. "Why don't you kiss me then?"
"Uhm hello," Holly J said. "I am totes his girlfriend so you totes better stop acting like you totes have the monopoly on his love."
"No real person ever uses the word totes, Holly J," Fiona said.
"You said it thirty minutes into the movie!" Holly J said.
"Whatever," Fiona said.
Fiona and Declan kissed to some trashy Ke$ha music.
"You guys are PATHETIC!" Holly J shouted. "Jesus, don't our three months together mean anything to you Declan?"
"Of course H J," he said. "Dammit, I refer to you by initials instead of your name! I write on your locker in fridge magnets! I hack into your e-mail account! I'm a better stalker than Edward fucking Cullen! I don't fuck Jane anymore! What MORE DOES A GUY HAVE TO DO, HOLLY J?"
Holly J sighed. "How about NOT FUCK YOUR SISTER."
"I didn't, we were just kissing," he said.
"You know what," Holly J smiled. "You're right. I could never stay mad at you. What do you say we ship Fiona off to another state against her will so we can have really loud amazing sex without her complaining?"
"Sounds like my kind of summer of love," Declan said.
"You are SO INCONSIDERATE!" Fiona shouted, before leaving the room.
"Damn," Holly J said. "That was one of the meanest things you've ever done. You just mailed away your sister. I mean what happened to 'if you're not happy, I'm not happy.' That was a complete character shift. It was practically a plot device to give her more reasons to be crazy so they can abuse her and make her the new Darcy."
Declan shrugged. "She'll get over it."
Holly J smiled, realizing that all was well. "I love you."
"Guys you have to help me!" Jane said.
"What have you been doing the entire movie?" Holly J asked.
"Hooking up with a random guy who I've never met before and will never see again," she said. "The writers wanted to get rid of the rumors that you and I are gay for each other."
"Why does everyone think I'm gay?" Holly J asked.
"Because you're one of the only interesting female characters on the show except for me and Fiona and obviously any strong, confident woman who doesn't take shit from guys is gay. I mean just look at Alex."
"I am not gay," Holly J repeated.
"I know," Jane said. "They totally derailed your character so now everyone assumes you're the slightly bi girl toying with my or Fiona's heart."
"Hey," Declan said. "Are you saying I ruin female characters?"
"Yeah," Jane said. "Look at me. I'll bet no one even REMEMBERS that I used to be gothy and punk rockery and hot except for gschulte. Now I'm just another boy crazy Degrassi chick."
Holly J nodded. "Yeah. Your character really sucks these days."
"I know," Jane said. "And on top of everything else, Spinner is marrying Emma."
"Emma?" Declan asked. "Who's Emma?"
Holly J rolled her eyes. "What a n00b. Anyway, she's this nature lover who turned into a slut after she gave Jay a blow job for some bracelets and then randomly became anorexic and now is my hero because she does environmental bike rides or something."
Jane nodded. "Oh okay. That makes sense."
"She took off all her clothes at school one time."
"Now I remember," Jane said.
"Geez are you sure you're not the gay one," Holly J said.
"Come ON, Declan!" Jane said. "You can testify to me being straight."
He shrugged. "We had off-screen sex. It was only mentioned ONE TIME. That's a lot easier for femslash writers to ignore than the entire episode they devoted to Holly J and me having sex and whining about it."
Holly J interrupted. "Anyway. Spinner and Emma spent nine seasons together and never talked ever. I mean, she blew his best friend who is marrying her best friend who dated him before blaming him for a shooting or something. That's WAY too ridiculous and convenient for anyone to buy. How can they be getting married?"
"I don't know," Jane said. "They must be soul mates."
"Yeah, but what exactly is Degrassi's definition of a soul mate?" Holly J asked. "I mean, Anya and Sav are supposedly soul mates except they finally broke up so Sav can one day tap Farrah. And Sean was supposed to be Emma's soul mate until he got shipped to Iraq or something. And wasn't the fact that you and Spinner are soul mates the reason he turned me down after I saved his life?"
"Shut up," Jane said. "It's Degrassi. Hell for all we know next season you'll have a near-gay experience where you almost screw Fiona and then make a b-line for Sav so no one will suspect anything. And before you know it, Fiona will be paired with Adam and anyone who calls that femslash and talks about how weird it is to see Lizzie from Life With Derek turned into a boy will be accused of homophobia and set on fire."
"That can't happen," Declan said. "First of all, Sav has no redeeming qualities as a human being and everyone above the age of 15 is completely bored with both him and Anya. Besides, if H J leaves me I'm off the show unless they pair me with Tinsley or randomly mail me back to Degrassi because I just miss Fi so much."
"What really doesn't make sense," Holly J said. "Is what they're going to do with Clare if Declan is officially in love with me and gonna stay with me forever this week."
Declan shrugged. "They'll probably get some bad rip off of Harold from Harold and Maude with a flippy goth haircut who drives a hearse to school to help her find her voice as a writer or something."
"You come up with the dumbest ideas," Jane said. "That would almost be as bad as turning Jenna into a lesbian and pairing her with Bianca."
"Yeah, but you have no idea how big that fanbase is," Fiona sighed.
"Fi, how the hell did you get here?" Declan asked.
"With Mia gone, the show can't spare me because I'm really hot despite having lower self-esteem than Ellie," Fiona said.
And then a lovely new semester started. Fiona got beaten up for five minutes and then ran away to make some cute handholding clips for Fiona/Holly J femslash videos. And Alli acted like a moron and threw herself at a homophobic jock who is ashamed of his transsexual brother who will probably end up with Fiona at some point and meanwhile Riley is still angry and pissy and so is KC and Peter is in the credits but has not appeared in a single episode making many people sad since he's the relic of "the old Degrassi" at this point which is REALLY sad for those of us who have been watching this show since 2001 and everyone is waiting to find out if Jenna is going to be gay despite how incredibly untrue to her character that seems. Oh and Degrassi's football team now plays in a park rather than a stadium because the show spent all the money on those giant yoga balls for the classroom and a new teacher who isn't Mr. Simpson and didn't have enough left to pay for extras or a stadium.
To be continued...