Okay guys. I have to get caught up with the rest of season 11 so I can start parodying Drew falling down the stairs and Becky being herself and...Alli being potentially pregnant...yeah...no...wow...pretending that isn't about to happen.

Despite her initial reluctance to attend Degrassi Community School in the first place, Maya really liked Zig an awful lot. It almost made up for the fact that she somehow had no friends and absolutely no one from her middle school seemed to be attending high school with her, leaving her completely alone in the world.

"I just don't see why you're completely without friends, Maya," Katie said on the way to school. "I mean, how many middle schools actually feed into Degrassi? Surely whichever one you went to sent at least one other here right?"

Maya shrugged. "Actually, no. On 'pick what high school you're going to' day, which every middle school has, I told my fellow classmates not to pick Degrassi."

"Why would you do that?" Katie asked.

Maya shrugged as they rounded a corner, entering the chain-link fence that had so epically failed to protect anyone from criminal activity in the past. "I really feel like this school has too many main characters as it is. Every season, they add three to five new people. At the beginning of season ten, it kind of worked because Clare and Alli needed new love interests and Adam was actually interesting, same for Bianca. But now we're just adding more and more new random people without any real substance or plotlines every couple of minutes."

"Come on, Maya," Katie said. "That's really judgmental. Name one person who goes to this school just to be walking scenery. Name one."

Maya couldn't just name one, so she named several. "Uh...Jess, Hannah, Liam, Marisol..."

"Hey, don't hate on Marisol," Katie said. "She's a valid character."

Shaking her head, Maya said, "you're not a valid character until you've tried to date at least two people."

Katie considered this, taking careful stock of all the new characters. "Okay, so I have Jake and Drew. Bianca has Adam, Drew, and kind of that gangsta with the gross lips. Eli has Clare and Imogen. Imogen will have Eli and Fiona soon enough. Marisol only has one failed attempt to go out with Drew. We've got to do something about this. But who on Earth can we pair her with?"

Mo showed up all, "so smart intelligent reasonable probably going to get into college smartidydoo," he said to KC.

"Yeah well intelligent nothing Marisol would understand bright conversation potatoes."

"He's perfect," Katie said. "Hey Mo! Get a crush on Marisol."

Mo stopped in his tracks. "Why would I do that? She's got to be the dumbest female character on Degrassi."

"The writers are fixing that," Katie said. "Next season they're going to bring on a homophobic Christian character who makes early Darcy seem like Andrea Dworkin."

"Just because there's about to be someone dumber than Marisol doesn't mean I want her," Mo said.

Using the fact that being flat-chested makes you more intelligent than people with breasts in the world of TV, Maya stepped in front of her sister to make a more worthwhile argument. "Katie and I were talking, and you're only a real character when you've tried to date at least two people. So, you kind of liked Ms. Oh but that barely counted. Besides her, you've got nothing. What are you going to do?"

"Well, I am a representative of the fact that not everyone alive is as skinny and cute as you are," he said to Maya, "so I have to stick around as a character."

"Exactly," Katie said, taking all the credit for her sister's hard work. "So let's hook you two up."

Then Marisol showed up and was all, "eew, he's fat." Maya carefully explained the two love interests rule, and Marisol laughed wickedly. "You're forgetting something. I tried to date KC too. I'm in the clear. So why should I help Mo?"

Mo shrugged. "Because this season there aren't any other guys around to give you plotlines?"

Marisol sighed. "Oh what the hell. Let's be soul mates."

So they were. As much as I want Mo to be happy, I cannot believe he would be legitimately interested in Marisol much less that she would be interested in him.

The group of randomly thrown together friends arrived at school, and Maya sighed in frustration. "I've only tried to date one guy. How am I ever going to become a real character?"

Katie smiled. "Hey, I think you're off to a great start as a character," Katie said with a smile. "When Clare started ninth grade, she had an older sister here too. Having an older sibling on this show really helps you get relevance, fast. Just look at Holly J and Alli and Dave."

"Who was Dave related to again?" Maya asked.

"Chantay," Katie said. "Very important character."

"Who did she try to date?" Marisol asked.

"Uh..." Katie thought for a moment. "Danny. Well, it doesn't work anyway. Wesley tried to date both Anya and Hannah but still had no relevance."

"Perhaps trying to date someone who hasn't tried to date very many people doesn't count," Mo speculated. "Or maybe it only counts for half."

Rolling her eyes, Marisol said, "this is getting too complicated...honey bunch."

"Sorry sweetie pie," Mo rolled his eyes at the ridiculousness of his cosmic station.

"I'm positively lecturing my sister, shut up!" Katie said. "Anyhow, if you want to be successful you have to be like Clare. She didn't want to come here either, only her reason was that she wanted to focus on academics and not boys."

Maya snorted. "That flew out the window."

"Yeah, although someone should really write an AU fic about what would have happened if Eli had been the first Degrassi guy to meet Clare instead of KC and she had still been doing the Catholic school uniform every day when he met her," Katie said. "If that hasn't been done already. Anyway, you're already shaping up to be a laudable crossbreed of Clare and Emma. Just keep flirting with Zig and you'll be good to go," Katie said.

"Thanks for the sisterly advice," Maya said.

Doo dee doo dee low key doo dee doo doo

Watever it taykes

I know ah can make it throo


If ah how-uld aut ah no ah can mayk it throo!

Da doo da doo bish bish bish bish CRASH

Be tha best, tha best that a-hhhhhhhhh cayun bee

Whatever it takes

ah no


Whatever it takes

Ah no ah kin mayk it throo!

"That song just doesn't sound as funny parodied anymore," Clare whined to Jake. "It's like the writers of the show are paying attention to this fic and realized how stupid it sounded and changed it. GOSH. Everything's so wrong in my life!"

Jake ignored her, offering a half-smile that basically meant "I hope my cuteness makes up for the fact that I'm not listening."


"Are you even LI-STEN-ING to me?" Clare demanded of her step-boyfriend.

"Uh yeah, uh, you said blah blah blah blah angst and I said I'm here for you, babe and made some awkward aw shucks smile that was supposed to automatically make up for my lack of romantic eloquence," Jake said.

Realizing how deep and special their connection was, Clare said, "I think we should have sex."

"OH MY GOD!" xwaiting4elix shouted in despair. "Jake is abusive! Do you see how abusive he's being? He's pressuring Clare into premarital incest!"

"As opposed to...marital incest which is cool?" eclareh8r15 asked.

"You're missing the point!" xwaiting4elix said. "She was supposed to wait for marriage or Eli doing something incredibly dangerous, vampiric, and sexy towards her. Whichever came first! She's a whore now! The Degrassi writers have ruined her character! The real Clare would never have sex!"

eclareh8r15 was like, "but what about the fact that she actually showed some interest in having sex with Eli back in those godawful Umbrella episodes? Maybe waiting isn't what Clare actually wants."

"They were NOT god-awful," . .eli said. "They were ROMANTICAL! And CLARE WANTS ABSTINENCE! She made a promise to God unless she's with Eli."

And then the ninjas themselves were like, "the Umbrella episodes sucked," and the room fell silent.

The silence could not last, for Clare broke it with a big, "Jake! The audience here is on pins and needles waiting for us to have premarital incest. So, are you in or not?"

"You sure you want to do that?" Jake asked, remembering all the big pronouncements Clare used to make about how Alli was a slut for fornicating with Johnny DiMarco, a guy who was in no way related to her.

"More sure than I've ever been about anything," Clare said. "Including that plan I came up with to pretend Mr. Simpson's vibrator was a robot. So do you want to have sex or not?"

"Well I like the idea," Jake said.

Crossing her arms in disgust, Clare asked, "what do you like about that idea?"

"The fact that it involves sex, you know?" Jake said.

"No, I DON'T KNOW!" Clare screamed. "I can't read your MIND!"

Not realizing sex with your pseudo-abstinent step-sister was complicated, Jake sighed and offered another aw shucks smile. "Uh...I'm cute?"

"Well what do you want sex with me to be like?" Clare asked. "How do you picture it?"

"Well I kind of picture myself going down to the pharmacy and getting some condoms," Jake said. "Then I picture myself coming home, putting one of those condoms on, and inserting my penis into your vagina. How else would I picture it?"

"UGH. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING!" Clare screamed. "That's NOT how sex works!"

"Uh...what?" Jake asked.

Pouting, Clare shoved a Fortnight book in his hand. "READ THIS. It'll explain everything YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

With that, she stormed off in a huff. "Is that really what I'm going to be like?" Maya asked her imaginary friend.

"Yes," Atlantaenea said. "And I'm not imaginary. I'm real. Just like the spirit of Christmas. And by the way, you and Tori will probably become best friends eventually. She is the only girl your age, after all. Unless they add fifty thousand more cast members in season twelve."

"Which they probably will," Maya said.

"Hehe, you're funny," Zig said, appearing out of nowhere. "Gosh, I really feel like we're connecting."

"So why does Tori hate you?" Maya asked.

"Uh...cuz we dated and I dumped her for no reason?"

"Why'd you do that?" Maya asked.


Maya was crushed, but enough about that.

So then Tristan was like, "hey Tori wanna hang out?"

"No, I wanna worship the ground Zig walks on," she corrected him.

So Tristan pouted off to the weight room to bother Owen, whose character stopped developing the moment Anya left.

"Ugh, I can't like buh-leeve a fifteen-year-old girl would rather spend time with a cute guy than her really annoying melodramatic friend," Tristan whined to Owen. "This has like never happened on Degrassi before. She's totally like ditching me!"

Owen rolled his eyes. "Is this really what I've been reduced to? A giver of brotherly advice to an annoying new character?"

"Like oh EM GEE!" Tristan said. "I am SUPER LOVABLE! People on Tumblr think so!"

"They think that because I threatened them," Owen said. "Every last one of them. Do you know what I had to do to get the DTC to like you? It was brutal, man. I'm sorry. Do you really think 666eli-goldworthys-love-slave666 is a big fan of musical theater?"

" You did not go around threatening EVERYBODY on Tumblr," Tristan said.

"Actually I did," Owen argued. "Try not to embarrass yourself or cause drama this season."

So Jake was sitting in a class he shared with Bianca and accidentally dropped his copy of Fortnight on the floor. The math teacher walked over and picked it up and was like, "excuse me, Mr. Martin," he started reading from the book, "'oh, Stella,' Fredward said dreamily, 'I cannot consume your blood before marriage. We have to think of the consequences! As a shirtless vampire, I'm an important public figure with a lot of influence over today's youth. I don't want my sexy broodingness to give teenage girls the idea that they should let men drink their blood before their wedding night. If he won't put a ring on it, he can't feed from it. That's what I say.' Stella stared whimsically into his golden amber honeysuckle school-bus colored but actually more luminous than that eyes (this isn't actually a worse description than Stephenie Meyer uses, you know I'm right) and sighed. 'You're right. Oh Fredward. Get me a promise ring!'"

"This is what gets Clare off?" Jake asked, shaking his head in confusion.

"Guess so," Bianca said, despite how implausible it is (even in the world of femslash) that Bianca knows much about Clare's sexuality or lack thereof.

"Then why didn't she stay with Eli?" Jake asked. "He was always talking about consuming her blood and becoming one with her."

"Yeah...but in his story about drinking Clare's blood and intimately murdering her, he didn't mention getting married first," Bianca said. "Not even ONCE. Clare wants a vampire that commits."

"Right," Jake said. "I guess my pa did warn me that city girls were weird."

"Personally I think Fredward's a good guy for respecting Stella's vampire virginity," Bianca said. "If I were a girl whose guy just thought vampire sex was some casual thing that didn't need to involve marriage, I'd impale him."

"Wait...what?" Jake asked.

"What I'm saying is, you're a big douche bag for even thinking about having sex with Clare because you know ninjas will kill you both if you do," Bianca said.

Jake gave an aw shucks smile and shook his head. "Ninjas? The ones that are violently assaulting people over the sanctity of EClare? You don't really believe those rumors, do you?"

Bianca rolled her eyes dramatically and flipped her sexy hair. "You know, for an incestuous country bumpkin, you really are quite stupid."

Jake offered her an aw shucks smile, figuring she didn't mean that any more than the Degrassi Tumblr community actually believes that eating chicken is the defining core of his personality.

"People actually think that, you know," Clare said, responding to his thoughts. "That all you do is eat chicken because they saw you do it that one time."

Rather than defending himself, Jake was like, "how did you read my thoughts?"

"It taught me how to in this magazine!" she said, shoving a magazine in his face. "Which you would read if you LOVED ME!"

"Eli would have read that magazine," .girl.16 sighed sadly. "He would have made love to her like a ravenous vampire."

"Uhm...lovers aren't supposed to eat each other," reasonabledegrassifan6 said. "Eating people sometimes involves death."


Turning away from that image, Katie came into focus. "Soccer is my life," she said to Drew, "so if anything should happen to ruin this game, consider me to have forfeited myself to Bianca."

Drew smiled. "That's a pairing you don't see much of."

"I mean consider me to have forfeited you to...you know what? Never mind," Katie said.

"Did anyone even know you played soccer before this episode?" Drew asked her.

Katie nodded. "You were supposed to read the Degrassi wiki. That page said everything you needed to know."

"Yeah, but the character rumors aren't always true. Fiona was supposed to be an experimental straight girl who hadn't gone all the way with a guy yet and was ready to give it all up for some Peter type person, according to someone on Teen Nick. And Bianca was supposed to become a lesbian. By the way, did you know the Russian word for lesbian is lesbianca? Funny, huh?" Drew said.

Katie rolled her eyes dramatically. "Just wish me luck, okay?"

Drew smiled cutely. "Aw. We both know nothing bad ever happens to a Degrassi character who has betted all of their happiness on the hope that some only marginally attainable athletic dream will work out."

Seeing as Katie was a new character who hadn't watched very many episodes of Degrassi yet, she was inclined to agree with her hunk-like boyfriend. "Okay."

That afternoon, a glowing, luminous figure appeared in the stands. "Could it be?" Drew drew in a breath.

"No way," Katie said.

"Way," Drew grinned in a very lopsided manner. Atlantanea sat in the bleachers, watching the game.

"She's so beautiful," a girl from the opposing team said.

From the bleachers, Drew could faintly make out two gruff voices in rows behind him. "I don't understand how Xanath escaped."

"Escaped? From what?"

"Good point. I don't think anyone's actually following this fic's plot well enough to figure out what the fuck Xanath is for anymore."

"Well, some fans are complaining that this story is veering away from its simple Boring Point roots when the entire plot revolved around people randomly going nuts for a hyperbolic OC," one ninja explained to the other. "I think we'd better do something about this."

So a ninja did a crazy backflip and lunged for Atlantaenea. Little did he know that she was the reincarnation of a magical pony goddess who could not be lunged at successfully. She flew into the air, but then remembered that she had absorbed the sins of some orphans who resorted to shady dealings in order to make money on the black market a few weeks ago, and wasn't angelic enough to fly. This caused her to randomly land on Katie and crush her leg.

"I CAN STILL PLAY!" Katie said, hopping on one foot.


"NO I DON'T!" Katie screamed. "I'm gonna go do drugs and you can't stop me!"

So then Katie ran off to do drugs and Drew just sighed miserably. "I feel like this is all my fault," Atlantaenea wept onto his shoulder. "I just feel like I'm an irrelevant character sometimes. Like my plotlines are inconsistent and nothing about me makes sense."

"Hey," Drew said. "Hey. It will be alright. I'm here."

Then Katie went home and stole her seriously disabled mother's pain meds. "That's really a fucked up thing to do," Maya said.

"Shut it," Katie hissed. "You may be likely to become the next Clare, but for now you're just the awkward Degrassi younger sibling. You haven't earned the right to express opinions in episodes yet."

Realizing Katie was right, Maya left her sister to abuse narcotics to her heart's content. Then one day, Drew was like, "I just had an amazing idea! Bianca, Katie, why don't you two become best friends?"

"Why?" Katie asked.

"Because it's stupid and would make good femslash videos!" Drew said.

So then Katie and Bianca went off to do sexy dancing together all Palex style.

"Hello," a mysterious stranger with a thick, dark voice said to Katie. "My name is Adonis Cullen-Coyne. I am Xanath's dark and mysterious twin brother."

"Oh you have got to be shitting me," Katie said. "This story is way too complicated as it is."

"You're right," Adonis Cullen-Coyne said. "I'm making this shit up. Do you want to buy some drugs?"

Katie did want to buy some drugs, so she did. "Dammit Katie!" Bianca hissed. "I thought you liked me."

"Like no way!" Katie said. "I was totally going to like you but there can only be one lesbian couple at Degrassi at a time. That's how it works at normal schools, only two guys and two girls are ever gay at a given moment. So...we can't hook up and I figured as long as we're stuck being straight and disappointing both Kianca and Bimogen fans everywhere, I might as well use you for drugs."

Bianca sighed. "I meant I thought I was going to have one female friend for once. Even though Imogen forgave me she forgot I existed when Fiona showed up which leads me to the conclusion that she was using me for my lingerie. Whatever. You don't need to hear this!" Bianca then stomped out the door and snuck into Drew's house through the basement, which was never locked under any circumstances. "Drew, your girlfriend's a stoner. We should bang."

"Hang on, hold up," Drew said. "Katie would never do drugs."

"She practically OD'd while we were hanging out," Bianca said.

"So...what should I do about it?" Drew asked.

"Dump her ass and do me," Bianca said.

"Wait," Drew said. "Okay, I know that team Drianca is a little more popular than team Krew, but I gotta say this is a really shitty way for us to end up back together. I mean...my girlfriend's in the fucking hospital."

Bianca shook her head. "What kind of guy would wait around for a girl to get out of rehab?"

"I would!" Adam said. "I did it for Fiona."

"Drew," Bianca said. "Listen to your brother. If you wait for Katie to get out of rehab, she's going to turn into a lesbian and have some unrequited plotline with Marisol. Is that what you want for your future?"

Adam was like, "I don't think Fiona became a lesbian because I helped her go to rehab."

"Quiet," Bianca hissed. "Anyway, Drew, if you hook up with me I won't go home and write horrible Katie/Marisol femslash."

"Good, please don't," Drew said. "Because honestly Marisol could probably turn me gay if I spent enough time with her."

"Why?" Bianca asked.

"Because she's boring and stuff. I had a date with her and it sucked, remember?"

"More boring than Alli?" Bianca asked.

"Uh...as weird as that is, yeah," Drew said. "So anyway, are we hooking up or not?"

"NO!" Bianca shouted. "Hooking up while she's still in rehab would make us both total assholes."

Drew got really confused. "Bianca, I am really confused right now!"

"I knew coming here was a mistake!" Bianca pouted poutily, stomping out of the apartment.

"Where did Bianca go?" Mrs. Torres smiled pleasantly. "I love her and wish she were my daughter."

"Wait WHAT?" Drew asked. "I am so confused!"

"Your life is full of plot holes," Adam said. "The sooner you accept each and every one of them, the better."

"Is that something your therapist told you?" Drew asked.

"I see a therapist?" Adam asked.

"When it's relevant to very special episodes about being transgender," Drew said.

"Oh, right," Adam said.

Meanwhile, Clare straddled her stepbrother with a naughty look on her face. "This is it. The one most beautiful, special moment in a couple's life. A moment which we can never take back. A moment which indicates that you are contractually obligated to love me until Degrassi is cancelled in the year 3018. A moment which ninjas will volunteer you as tribute to the Hunger Games if you ever regret. A moment which I will never ever forgive you if either one of us start to second guess at any moment of our lives.

"Clare, I can't do this," Jake said. "This is way too much pressure."

"How am I pressuring you?" Clare demanded. Jake gave her an aw shucks smile and ran. "FINE!" she hissed. "I'm joining a band of pot-smoking felons! To Hades with you!"

So then Clare joined a cult and they were like, "you have to destroy your cell phone and cut off all ties to the outside world."

Clare couldn't stand this. "WHY ARE CULTS SO CONTROLLING?"

"First of all, that's kind of the definition of a cult," Mr. Stoner said. "Second of all, this isn't a cult. Cults are a bit too complicated and dark even for Degrassi."

"Maybe by season thirty or so," Mrs. Stoner said.

So then Clare was like, "so what are you people?"

And then the police burst in and were like, "they're selling drugs, omfg!"

Clare was like, "why are the police using text speak?"

"Because your phone's spirit reincarnated in the police officers, teaching you to value human life," Atlantaenea said, revealing herself to be one of the cops.

And then Jake was like, "let's get out of here."

The two smiled at one another. "You know Jake? I think we're better off as siblings, I mean friends."

"Yeah," Jake said. And then they hugged in a non-incestuous way.

Meanwhile, Dave was like, "yo Drew I've got this problem man. It's like really bad. Two girls like me and I'm not man enough to dump either one of them."

"Wow, you are a JACKASS!" Drew shouted. "How could you do that?"

"Yeah!" KC's nostrils flared.

"Alright alright, I'll fix it," Dave said.

Alli looked at him increduously. "Your ex sent you a text? You haven't MURDERED her yet to ensure she never reminds me of how mad I am about her existence? It's over!"

"Alli, wait," Dave said.

It was too late. Jacinta entered the building and a car fell from the sky, landing on her face.

"IT'S YOUR FAULT!" everyone screamed at Dave.

"I'll never forgive myself," he said.

But then he forgave himself and banged Alli.

What? That's basically the whole story right there.

Speaking of KC who was in the last scene, he went over to Ty's house and was all, "can I babysit?"

"KC," Mrs. Adopter said. "My husband and I watched the back episodes of Degrassi last night and you seem like a very unstable young man. I don't really like all that nostril-flaring action."

KC's nostrils flared. "He's my son."

"Well we gave him a new name and he doesn't remember you so nyeh!" Mr. Adopter said.

"That's not FAIR!" KC shouted, his nostrils flaring even wider.

Then KC's mom was like, "seriously KC, if you want face-time with your baby you're going to have to take it up in court."

"I'll do it!" KC said. "I am SO committed to being a father it is not even funny!"

Jenna was like, "could've used that a season or two ago."

Goodness, parodying half a season in one chapter is hard.

What about Fiona?

Right, so Fiona was looking into Imogen's eyes one day and realized she was cute. So, she called Declan. "This girl stuffs tampons up her nose and plays the drinking glass. Would you ever fall for her?"

"No," Declan said. "Absolutely not."

Realizing that she could finally have a girl who was an actual character on the show and wasn't Declan's, Fiona fell in love, instantly. "I should ask her out," Fiona said.

"Wait," Declan said. "Don't. She has only tried to date one other person besides you. You need to make sure the Eli door is closed before you try anything. Otherwise she'll never become a real character."

Nodding, Fiona got off the phone and was like, "Imogen, go date Eli!"

"Why?" Imogen asked.

"Because!" Fiona shouted.

"God you're so mean!" Imogen said.

And then Imogen made an art project about Eli's bipolar disorder. "Do you like it?"

"Like it?" Eli said. "You KNOW I disapprove of turning mental illness into art. I would NEVER do anything like that!"

"Except when you did, last season," Imogen said. "That's kind of how we met actually."

"NO!" Eli screamed, breaking her camera. "I made something about myself, not about other people."

"Clara Edwin and Jack?" Imogen asked.

"FINE!" Eli said.

"I think we're better off as friends," Imogen said. "This isn't working for me."

So they decided to be friends and Bullfrog was like, "you know Eli, I don't think you should be dating n'stuff. You're kind of mentally loopy n'stuff and now you're all breaking stuff."

Eli went to his therapist who was all, "your problems with Imogen had nothing to do with your bipolar disorder. In my professional opinion, your mental health would take a complete 180 if you only got back with Clare."

Even though Eli knew this therapist was probably bought by ninjas, he considered it sound advice. So then Fiona was going to throw a big carnival.

"You can't throw a big carnival," her mother said. "I'm about to be under house arrest."

"Damn it!" Fiona said.

So then she sold some random crap in her apartment and made $11,000 with the help of Holly J who frustratingly had nothing real to do with the story despite making a reappearance. Then at the top of the Farris Wheel, Imogen and Fiona fell madly in love. "I've wanted to kiss you for so long!" Imogen said.

"Since when?" Fiona asked. "You just broke up with your boyfriend two episodes ago."

They decided not to talk about this ever again.

"I'm not going to move to New York," Fiona said. "I'm impulsively staying at Degrassi for you."

"Cool," Imogen said. "I guess it worked when you did that for Holly J, right?"

In my imagination, Holly J was jealous of their relationship and a big love triangle emerged.

Meanwhile, Clare was like, "oh Eli. I want you again."

"Since when?" Eli asked.

And then she kissed him and that explained everything.

Okay, I know I've skipped plotlines but tech weekend is coming up and I kinda need to post this.