The Nightmare Inspector Dating Game ~ and the winner is…


I have no excuse except lack of motivation and rabid plot bunnies that enjoy randomly attacking and then running away.

I OWN NOTHING BUT MY LAPTOP AND THE WORDS I WRITE ON IT.

After carefully consulting the applicants' information and the Hiruko that lives inside my head, the winner has been decided. Congratulations to Polaris-Lolita!


She was thin, yes, but her structure was noticeably larger than that of the other girls – easily a D-cup (and let's not question how Hiruko knows that). She didn't look Japanese either. Not only were the fluffy red curls trailing down her back unusual for this part of the world, but the features of her face more closely resembled such as the Baku had seen on the Greek marble statues in that museum Hifumi had dragged him out in the daylight to visit last week. Her clothing looked European too. However, it wasn't her odd appearance that caught the Baku's attention, but her mannerisms. This girl was calmer, more reserved, than the other girls, most of whom had been acting more hyper than Hifumi (a feat Hiruko hadn't even thought possible).

Just slightly, Hiruko shifted forward expectantly.

"Hello, young lady! Please state your name for our audience!" the host requested in the same gleeful tone he'd used for all the contestants. Obviously, he never tired of this 'game.'

"Ren Kurosawa. Nice to meet you."

There was only just the slightest hesitance in her response. Most wouldn't have noticed it. But Hiruko was one who could see the small details that others missed. She hid it well behind a pleasant and openly friendly tone of voice, but perhaps she didn't want to be here either.

"Will you please describe yourself for our guest?"

The same question. The same sickly sweet tone. But this time, Hiruko didn't find himself dreading the answer.

Ren paused, just only slightly, again before beginning her answer. "I'm not at all sociable, but if I have to I can fake it well." – Ah, then that explained it – "I'm very morbid and sadistic by nature, but I hate seeing people hurt for stupid reasons and I like to take care of people." Another pause as she collected her thoughts before contiuning. "I have a tendency to daydream and think deeply about random topics." A smile. "According to my few friends, I give very good advice. I'm also a very mellow person, there's not a whole lot that bugs me."

Hiruko only had a few moments to complement this – so far, this girl actually seemed rather pleasant; someone the Baku could get along with, after all, they shared some similarities – before the host's sickly-sweet voice boomed over the microphone again.

"In your opinion, what's your best quality?"

Really. This guy could easily be more annoying the Hifumi; if Hiruko had to put up with him on a daily basis.

"I think very differently from other people," Ren replied simply. "For example, most people trying to enter a locked house would try the front and back doors first, I would walk around the house and find an easy to break basement window. That kind of stuff."

Intelligent. Hiruko would do the same.

"So, what's your worst quality?" the host once again broke into Hiruko thoughts before he had time to reflect on the answer completely.

"I have absolutely no common sense, none whatsoever."

Morbid mix of amusement and dread settled upon the Baku at the completely blunt, straightforward answer. Just like another blond idiot he knew…

"Are you a flirt?" the host asked, his own voice taking a flirtatious tenor.

"No," Ren answered, and then added as an afterthought, "not consciously at least."

Well, that was another point in her favor, Hiruko mused, internally shuddering at the memory of a few of the other contestants' response to this question.

"How annoying do people consider you?" This time spoken with a mock serious air.

"Not really annoying at all," Ren replied truthfully, following up with the explanation. "People hardly even notice me, unless they're looking for me. I'm not hard to spot when you know what you're looking for."

A small not-quite-smile had been pulling at the corners of the Baku's mouth, but the hand posed pensively in front of his face easily hid it.

The host posed the next question with a fluctuation in his voice on the key words. "Do people think you're considerate or thoughtful?"

Another deadpanned answer. (But it wasn't really a deadpan if she was smiling, was it.) "If I deem the person or event worthy of either, then yes."

His hand couldn't hide the smirk that broke across Hiruko's face. He liked this girl more by the minute – a thought that astonished him more than anything.

"Do you always have to have things your way?" the host asked next. "Or can you compromise?"

"I can compromise just fine, usually so that the other person gets more of their way."

Huh. So she cared more about others than herself. Admirable, yes, but also foolish if taken to extremes.

"What do you expect to get out of a relationship?"

Hm, the questions were almost done with. And the host added a special flair as a build up to that finality.

"Someone I can hold a good conversation with and doesn't clash too much with myself."

Well, finally. Someone who actually had a decent answer to that question. Maybe there was some truth to that statement about saving the best for last.

And here it was: the big finally. A huge grin stretched across the host's face as he proclaimed the last question. "Finally, tell us why you think you should win!"

Ren frowned. "I hate this question. I don't really think about that kind of stuff. Mostly because I don't think I should." – What? – "But, again, if I had to choose, I'd say because I usually get the short stick in life, it'd be nice to be on the good side of things for once."

Hiruko blinked at the statement. It struck a cord with him as he turned it over in his mind. He knew the feeling well.

"And that's the last question, people!" The host declared excitedly to the audience, igniting a just as enthused response. "Now it's time to chose! So tell us, Hiruko! Which of the contestants will it be?"

Hiruko sat in contemplative thought for a moment, Ren still seated in the chair across from him, the other girls and audience waiting expectantly for his answer. His first inclination was to answer that he didn't chose any of them. The Baku hadn't expected to leave this "game show" with anything more than a splitting, Hifumi-induced headache. But… he glanced up at the redhead sitting across from him, and slowly began.

"I didn't even want to be here," he sighed, leaning back in the chair, his eyes casting off in the distance. "It was that idiot's idea. I thought it would be a waste of time." A wry grin pulled at his lips as he once again met the grey eyes' gaze. "Maybe we could hang out sometime."

There was almost no connection between the two statements, so maybe that was the reason it took a few seconds to dawn on those watching. But as the meaning behind the words sunk in, surprise morphed into joy on Ren's face – sighs and moans of defeat heard in the background from the other contestants.

"Alright, ladies and gentleman!" the host yelled gleefully into the microphone. "We have our winner— huh?" What would have been a very long and drawn out word, cut off in confusion at the sight of the empty chair.

Already backstage, Hiruko went in search of a blunt object with which he could beat Hifumi to a bloody pulp. Just because this venture hadn't turned out as bad as the Baku expected, didn't mean that hyperactive idiot wasn't going to pay for dragging him out of bed. And so, Hiruko wielding a broken table leg while Hifumi coward, begging for mercy, was how Ren found them a few minutes later, at which point the Baku abandoned the weapon in favor of dragging the whipped dog by the collar of his kimono. Glancing back over his shoulder, Hiruko called out a disinterested, "Well, aren't you coming?"

Ren smiled and nodded, following Hiruko as he exited through the back door and continued to drag Hifumi back to the Tea House under the stars.


*flops over* And that is where my creativity ends. Polaris-Lolita, you like?

Also, just a note for the 5 people who entered, since there was only five of you, I'm willing to write each of you a short one shot as a "thank you for entering." (Yes, that includes the winner, cuz this *motions to story above* really ain't much.) =3 All you need to do is send me information on what your character looks like (Polaris-Lolita and xxfizzyxx have already done so) and give me a plot bunny to work with. (Just a little one, please. They multiply like crazy.)

PS: No plot bunny = no one shot. So please help me out and tell me some small little thing you'd like to happen in your one shot, like maybe how you and Hiruko meet. ;)

PPS: Shout out to Ivywolf: Your comment "I can also see the cane- sized lump on Hifumi's head after they get back to the tea house" inspired the second to last paragraph. Thanks girl! ^^

Please feel free to point out typeos.