A Hill at Hogwarts

It was a normal, boring day in the simple town of Arlen, Texas; the birds were singing, the sun was shining and 4 friends were standing in an alley, drinking their beers.





One of the people standing in the alley was the propane expert himself Hank Hill. The others were his longtime friends Boomhauer, Dale, and Bill.

They treated this day like any other day but little did Hank know his life was about to change forever.

As they were talking about the recent Cowboys game, a strange, white owl flew by carrying a letter in its beak. This owl wasn't a normal owl, it was magical. In its beak was a letter from a school of magic, and someone was finally getting their letter.

The owl dropped the letter in front of Hank and all of his friends stared in awe.

"Hank you didn't tell me you had a mail delivering owl!" Bill shouted.

"Shut up, Bill" Hank said, reaching for the letter at his feet and reading the front.

"What in god's name is Hogwarts? Is it some kind of disease?"

Hank continued reading the letter and he couldn't believe what he was reading.


Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore
(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,
Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)

Dear Mr. Hill,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.
Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31.

Yours sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress

p.s. We apologize for the late letter, it must have gotten lost in the mail.


First-year students will require:
sets of plain work robes (black)
plain pointed hat (black) for day wear
pair of protective gloves (dragon hide or similar)
winter cloak (black, with silver fastenings)
Please note that all pupil's clothes should carry name tags.

All students should have a copy of each of the following:

The Standard Book of Spells (Grade 1)
by Miranda Goshawk

A History of Magic by Bathilda Bagshot

Magical Theory by Adalbert Waffling

A Beginner's Guide to Transfiguration by Emeric Switch

One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi
by Phyllida Spore

Magical Drafts and Potions by Arsenius Jigger

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
by Newt Scamander

The Dark Forces: A Guide to Self-Protection
by Quentin Trimble


1 wand
1 cauldron (pewter, standard size 2)
1 set glass or crystal phials
1 telescope
1 set brass scales

Students may also bring and owl OR a cat OR a toad.


Hank reread the letter multiple times but it still didn't make any sense.

"Alright you jackasses, who wrote this dang letter? This isn't funny."

"It wasn't me, Hank, honest!" Bill said, slowly backing away from Hanks clenching fists.

"I tell you what man this whole gosh dang mess is a mess man I tell you what" Boomhauer reasoned.

Dale was a little more believing. "Maybe it's real, Hank. You and I both know the government hides things from us all the time. Who's to say the wizards aren't controlling the government? And according to this letter you're one. Hank are you plotting a takeover of the United States of America? Are you Hank! Are you!"

"Shut up, Dale. Our government wouldn't hide the existence of…whatchama call it, wizards from us. Our government is there to protect and serve us and I love our country. I wouldn't dream of doing such a thing."

While they argued amongst themselves they failed to notice a faint pop and a sudden appearance of a man.

"Excuse me; do any of you happen to be Hank Hill?" The mysterious man questioned.

Hank eyed this man up and down; he was dressed in a queer robe that would've been popular in the middle ages. He hated when teenagers would dress strangely, but when men his age dressed like that Hank would get even more disgusted. Hank never followed any new age fashion on "the mtv" but this was just ridiculous. Hank adjusted his glasses and cleared his throat.

"Uh that would be me, sir, how can I help ya?"

"Hello there, I'm with Hogwarts and I would like to have a word with you."

Hank's anger began to rise.

"You mean that dang letter that says I'm a wizard? For Pete's sake you can't honestly believe that I fell for that nonsense I tell you what."

Hank was about to tell the strange man to leave when he pulled out a stick.

"Is that supposed to scare me or something? I ought to kick your ass…" But before Hank could take a step the man waved his wand and Bill's beer flew out of his hand and poured itself all over his head.