A/N: HALLO! Kate and I are back!...momentarily :D So on this fine evening, we realized how much we miss writing parodies. SO here ya go! A gender-bent Harry Potter crack-fic! M. M. THIS IS FREAKIN M.
Have you ever been stuck between two girls? Two girls that are your BEST FRIENDS? Well that happened to me, between Hermione and Rhonda.
Hermione Granger is my over-achieving, pushover, and somewhat annoying friend. Although she can get on my nerves, she's super hot and does my essays when I whine at her. She's always there when I'm having a bad day and she always defends me when people get on my nerves. All in all, she's a good person.
Rhonda Weasley is my hilarious, beautiful, stylish, whore-ish friend. She's kind of my friend with benefits. She's also everyone else's friend with benefits…except her family. That'd be weird. Sometimes when I'm upset, she cheers me up. You know what I mean…with a….well, you know.
A secret ride…on a unicorn.
What were YOU thinking, you sick people? Rhonda isn't THAT nasty. We're only 15…and you know what happened today? I saw Rhonda and Hermione arguing! Over me…ME…ME! The boy who lived who for some reason has problems getting girls! There was hair pulling, and screaming, and a large circle of people gathering! Until I came in! HA HA!
"Girls, girls!" I screamed, tearing them apart. They breathed heavily, blushing at the sight of my handsome-ness. "Explain yourselves. I can't have my two best friends making a fuss in public!" I told them, pulling them out of sight.
"Hermione doesn't believe that we," Rhonda glanced at my lips. "Ya know." I chuckled.
"Wow, I didn't know you'd use that to rub in people's faces!" I joked. She stepped forward and placed her arms around my neck.
"Why wouldn't I?" she purred, and then started making out with me. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Dramatic S.
"HEY!" Hermione yelled, except her voice was deep and manly, like if a quiddich coach with a sore throat had screamed it. "THAT'S MINE!" and she pulled on my arm. YES, my arm. What did you think I would say? My broomstick? Hahahaha, no.
"Hammione, you're embarrassing yourself. Go pretend Filch is Harry and torment him with your blather. This hunk of man is ALLLLLL MINE," Rhonda said, smushing herself into my arm. Hermione looked enraged. As I turned and walked away with my prize woman, a flash of light and some cackling could be heard, and Rhonda shuddered as something hit her.
"Come on, Harry Handsome-toes. Let's go up to your room," she said huskily, her voice noticeably deeper.
So after she threw me onto my bed, removing mine and her clothes, and you-know-whating, I noticed something. Some hitting against my leg. Was that a…
"Rhonda? What is that?" I squeaked, pointing at it. She looked down and rolled her eyes.
"Dammit. Granger set that spell at me and made it come out a week early!" she grumbled. When she saw my confused look. "So, instead of having a period once a month, I get a non-stop boner! I was born like that. It's okay though. It turns everyone on…even you, Harry Handsome-toes." I stared at it, shrugged, and continued on.
"I want your babies." Rhonda's voice was now deeper than mine, and she was much taller.
"Rhonda! Why are you so tall?"
"Oops…I guess Granger made that happen a week early, too."
I think I chose the wrong one…
Suddenly, she fully transformed before my eyes! She had turned into...a man.
I was really not in the mood anymore. I shoved Rhonda…Ron…I don't know…away from me and fled the room, screaming. "HERMIONE! I TAKE IT BACK! I WANT YOU! RHONDA IS A MAAANNN, HERMIONE!" I yelled, running through the Gryffindor tower…in the nude. They pointed and laughed at me. THEY POINTED AND LAUGHED.
I found Hermione in the corner with Ginny Weasley, Rhonda's attractive little sister who was taller than me. "Too bad, Mr. 'Handsome toes'." Ginny sneered at me. "Hermione doesn't want you anymore. I'm setting her up with someone else…" before I could ask who, Rhonda-Ron came running after me, crying "HARRY! COME BACK, HARRY! I NEED YOU! YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME YOUR CHILDREN!"
(Two weeks later)
So these past two weeks were spent huddled in my room, figuring out everything. I finally decided to proclaim my love to Hermione in song. I grabbed my random guitar that just lies around in Hedwig's cage, and ran into the common room.
"Hermione! I have something to-" I started to say before seeing that Hermione was making out with…with…RHONDA/RON! "WHAT THE HELL?" they turned around and sent me glares.
"You broke my heart so I decided to date Ron!" Hermione squealed. Ron stood up.
"I'M PREGNANT WITH YOUR BABAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY."
"WHAT?" I cried. This can't happen! I'm Harry – effin Potter! I'M ABOVE THIS!
"YES," Ron/Rhonda bellowed. "And it has set me free to take my true form of…RON! A MAAAN. A PREGNANT MAAANN."
And this is when I decided, never, ever take drugs. Especially not the magical kind. They make the world go WTF.
( Nine months later)
"PUSH, HONEY, !" I told my significant other. A few months ago, Hermione and Ron broke up. Ron came to me crying, and we had a moment where the baby was bouncing around in my presence. Then, something clicked. Ron and I have been happy together ever since. And today, Ron was giving birth to our baby. And out came…HAGRID.
Yes, I certainly should lay off the drugs.