Nothing Worth It

by: midnight forever

a/n: Just a little oneshot I wrote up while watching the episode, "Once More, With Feeling" of BTVS. It's my summary of how I think Buffy was feeling.

Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own Buffy. Or Angel. ...or Spike.

I started my rounds in the graveyard, halfheartedly checking the shadows caused by the mausoleums and statues. If there was a big bad around I wasn't worried about it hiding from me. To be honest, I was starting to look forward to my nightly rounds. I didn't have to be around Willow, Xander, Giles, Anya, or Tara… I didn't have to pretend to show emotions I didn't feel.

I didn't have to pretend to care.

Even Spike was more tolerable company than any of my friends right now. And I was pretty sure that that wasn't how things were supposed to be.

I was sick of not feeling anything. I was apathetic about everything, and it wasn't like I chose to be this way. Just like I didn't choose to come back. With a sigh, I sat on an upraised grave, and put a hand through my hair. They wouldn't understand. None of them would or could understand just what their actions caused, the consequences that I now have to deal with.

I was ready to die after Gloria opened the portal. Back when I had first come to Sunnydale and I fought the Master, I wasn't ready to die. Even after I had "made up my mind," and gone in that beautiful dress that Mom bought me to divert the world from another apocalypse. But the point was, I wasn't ready to die then. I was just 16. But at 20 years, I'd graduated high school, was going to college with Willow, and Tara, still hung out with Xander, and Giles was still my Watcher. I had completed a hell of a lot more in that four year gap, and I figured that if my dying would save the world from Gloria's stupid portal, that it was worth it. Dawn would be safe, my friends would be safe, and everyone I once knew or would never know would be safe (…at least for awhile).

"The hardest thing in this world… is to live in it."

And the only things I can remember after I jumped into that portal were… Seeing Mom again, and being so happy. And everything was so bright, and clean, and just so simple. I didn't have to worry about getting Dawn to school on time the next morning, or getting out to do my nightly rounds and finish off any unsavory vamps. I didn't have to worry about the next house payment or my next shift at work. I could just…


Something I haven't been able to do in over 4 years. And I know it wasn't exactly good that I wasn't worried, that I didn't really care about how my friend's were doing. But it was simply that I was of a different plane than them and we no longer influenced one another. Couldn't influence one another. Their problems weren't my problems, and my problems… Well, I didn't have problems.

Looking off to the side at a random grave, a settled myself against the tombstone behind me. And now? Now the only things I really seemed to feel were annoyance and anger, while the rest… Dawn was a troublesome little girl who didn't leave me alone. Willow was a little too friendly and cheery. Tara was alright. Xander didn't bother me a whole lot either. Anya just talked forever and I wanted to shove her in the closet at the Magic Shop. And Giles seemed to always be expecting something… more from me.

Some days I just wanted to yell at them to shut up, and to leave me the hell alone. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be thrust back into this life where I had to be on guard 24/7, where I had to support my (fake) kid sister and interact with people every day. I didn't want to be the one and only person capable of saving this whole world from apocalypse after apocalypse. After 4 years, at least 4 diverted apocalypses, killing a giant snake of a mayor, and a couple more things, I figured I'd done enough. Hell, I killed my own boyfriend to save the world, how much more selfless can you get?

And I was just… so done with everything. I couldn't be brought to care about the latest tiff Tara and Willow had, the latest assignment of Dawn's, project of Xander's, or shipment at the Magic Shop. And this apathy made me so tired I just… didn't feel like getting up anymore. Everyone had clearly survived for awhile without me, so it's not like the world would grind to a halt if I just… wasn't there again.

If I had a chance at a normal life, normal friends, normal worries… maybe it would be different. But I'm supposed to be focused on one thing only: saving the world. And I was just so sick of it.

And there didn't seem to be anything in this world that made it worth living in.

Not one damn thing.

So, did you like it? I hope so! Please leave a review! It makes Angel happy (but not too happy, because we don't like Angelus around here), which makes me happy :3