Persa, The Lost
Outtakes of Fuggiasco in Bella's point of view
Here is the outtake that won on the polls! It is BPOV of chapter Seven. Everyone that voted for this should thank SaJuMA. This wasn't even an option and she suggested that I add it.
Remember, in this chapter, Edward still didn't know Bella's past. Her thoughts have grown and evolved with her since then, but here is a peek into her head to see how she was feeling at that time.
Huge thank you to Aikotayo, for her help on translating the title.
Kimmcarr and Jessypt for their unbelievable fast beta skills. They got this back to me in one day! Thanks ladies!
This story contains subject matter which may be offensive to some readers. Be warned, there are scenes of abuse non graphic rape.
Ouch, I have lost myself again
Lost myself, and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah, I think that I might break
I've lost myself again, and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
I am small
Warm me up
And breathe me
It's been almost three months since I met Edward, and I'm still not completely comfortable. I don't know what he expects. He's always sweet and patient, but I wait for the time I screw up, forcing him to change. I try so hard not to do anything that will upset him. I've seen his temper, and even though it's never been directed at me, it scares me. I owe so much to him, but have idea how to show it.
Edward is at work right now. I can't wait for him to get home. I lie on the bed and stare at the ceiling. There's a television and a radio in the room, but I'm most comfortable in the silence.
Alec never allowed me to watch television or listen to any kind of music. The only time I'd heard music was when Alec was having a party. The thought of it sends chills down my spine. Those nights were usually the nights he'd sell me out to one of his loser, drugged-out friends - no, I don't like music. I feel tears gather in my eyes and quickly change my train of thought.
I try so hard to not think about the past five years of my life but it's hard. I find myself going stir-crazy sitting in this motel room while Edward works. I would never complain though. Those first few weeks I stayed on the street were hard, and I imagine they would have been so much more difficult if not for Edward. I don't think I would have made it. I had no plan, no knowledge of how to survive.
I can't say every day has been the most pleasant, but I can say every day, even the worst days, have been better than the best days with Alec. At this point, I trust Edward fully. Even though in my mind I know he won't hurt me, I still have all the old habits from Alec. I can't help it. The fear is deeply ingrained in me.
I am terrified of Jake though. Edward was quick to protect me the night he flipped out in our room two weeks ago. I was scared, but I was more scared for him. I don't know what I'd do without Edward. I feel myself falling for him, and it terrifies me.
I look at the clock and see Edward should be home in about an hour. I jump up off the bed and start dinner.
I'm trying to finish dinner so it will be ready when Edward's home from work; I don't want him to have to wait for it. I can hear steps coming up the stairs, and I know it's Edward. His steps are heavy but quick, likes he's bouncing up the stairs. I've memorized the noises our neighbors make so I can be ready for when Alec comes back. I've heard his steps for five years. I figure if I can hear him coming, then I can maybe escape before he can get me.
There's a lady and her two kids staying next to us; they sound like a herd of elephants. I like it though; I've never seen them, but the kids always sound happy. I hear them through the door telling their mom about their day in school, she laughs and always asks them questions. I always smile when I hear them but it makes me sad. It makes me miss my mom, how we had the same conversations when I would come home from school.
On the other side of us, I assume, is a man. His steps are heavy and slow, and as soon as I hear his door shut, the television turns on and doesn't go off for the rest of the night. Living in a motel, the tenants change frequently and I listen closely to the sounds they make so I know who is around me. Every time I hear a new set of steps, panic rises in me. I sit frozen just waiting for Alec to walk up to the door and take me back with him.
I hear Edward's key slip into the door and can smell the fresh air when it opens. Another one of Alec's rules plagues me. I want to turn and greet him, but don't because that was never allowed with Alec. I compromise with myself. I don't turn to face him, but I greet him and continue with my task.
"Hey, how was work?" I ask
"Good, thanks," he says. I can hear a smile in his voice, and my body relaxes.
Edward has never treated me badly, but it's just in me to be weary. I always had to wait and see what kind of mood Alec was when he came home to determine how I would act. Some nights, he would force me to spend time with him and others, it was best that I was never around him at all, if I could help it. The nights Edward comes home and is tired or seems irritated with something that's happened in his day, I try to make myself scarce. I know he would never react the way Alec would have, but I can't break the habit.
"You hungry?" I ask. I hope he's happy I have dinner ready for him. I hope he likes it.
"Starving," he says, he's standing behind me. I feel my body tense but I try not to panic.
Alec liked to come in a room, I wasn't allowed to look at him. Out of nowhere, he'd just hit me, for no reason, usually in the back of my head, or he'd act like he was going to hit me. I would sense it and flinch; he found this hilarious. Even though I know Edward would never attack me like Alec did, I still don't like him behind me.
"Sit down; this should be ready in just a minute. I got the recipe from Miss Elizabeth," I say, thinking of a reason to have him sit and not stand behind me.
I've been volunteering down at the Mission on the days Edward can take me, and I work alongside Miss Elizabeth. She's really sweet and doesn't pry. She treats me like she doesn't know there is anything wrong with me - she's good at pretending. When she learned I like to cook she brought me this recipe. It didn't look very good on paper, but she insisted I try it. I hope Edward likes it.
I plate the salad and bring it over to the table where Edward sits. I try to make eye contact with him. He's said so many times to look at him, to not ask for permission to do things, to speak my mind - basically to go against everything I've been beat for doing in the past five years. Everything in me screams to follow the rules my body has learned, but I fight it and make myself look at him as I serve his dinner. When my eyes meet his, he smiles. I feel the smile grow on my face.
"This looks good," he says.
I feel my confidence and pride skyrocket. I almost get an adrenaline rush from his praise - then, I feel stupid at how excited I get over his simple compliment. I feel heat rise in my cheeks. I'm not used to anyone being nice to me. I don't know how to react - so I don't. I go and sit across from him at the table, putting some salad on my own plate.
He makes no move to eat. I'm starving, but I don't want to eat before him. If I did that with Alec, I would get my food taken away. Edward has treated me so well and is so nice, but I don't want to push my luck.
"She said it's something new; I thought I'd try it," I say.
He smiles, and I feel heat rise to my cheeks again. I love his smile. There's no doubt I'm attracted to Edward, that I'm falling for him, but I know I'm not enough for him.
He loads a large portion onto his fork and puts it into his mouth. He starts to chew and freezes. For a second, it looks like he's going to spit it out... or throw up. I'm not sure which. My stomach drops. My mind starts to float back to an awful time when Alec freaked out because he didn't like what I made; he flipped the entire table.
"What the fuck is this?" Alec shouts, shoving his plate so hard it cracks it.
Usually, I don't eat with Alec; or some nights not at all. Once in a while though he says he wants company, this is one of those nights.
"I asked you a question!" he screams at me. I sit at the table with my eyes clinched shut. I know he really doesn't want me to answer.
"I'm sorry," I whisper, praying he's too high to react anymore. I sneak a look at him and see his whole frame shaking. He's sweating profusely and his eyes are dilated unnaturally large. I have no idea what he's on.
"Ugh!" he screams, flipping the entire table over. Glasses and plates slam against the wall, silverware crashes to the ground. I scream at the top of my lungs out of shock and fear.
I'm sitting in the chair staring at the space where the table used to be. I'm shaking so hard out of fear, my teeth are chattering. Besides Alec's heavy breathing, it's the only noise in the room.
Slowly, he walks over to me. The chair vibrates I shake so hard. He squats down so we're eye level with each other. I look at my lap, knowing better then to look into his eyes.
"Look at me," he hisses. Quickly I bring my eyes to his and my fear increases. His eyes are terrifying, blood shot and angry.
"Fucking stupid," he says, spit flies into my face.
I feel the back of his hand connect with my face and I'm thrown from my chair onto the ground. Shards of glass are forced into my flesh from my fall, and hot liquid from our dinner burns my skin, but I don't dare move.
I hear Alec growling in frustration and throwing more glass against the walls. I can feel his footsteps on the ground. I tense knowing what will come next. Sure enough, I feel his heavy boot connect with my ribs. It knocks all the wind out of me. I can't make a noise even if I wanted to. I roll around in agony trying to catch my breath. I hear his steps leaving the kitchen, I'm relived.
"You better clean this shit up!" he demands as he leaves the room.
I feel myself start to shake from my memory. I don't want to remember. I make myself stop by looking at the man across the table from me and remind myself he's given me no reason to think he would do this. He's earned my trust and deserves it. I won't let Alec's actions tarnish my relationship with Edward. I hear Edwards voice, and it pulls me back to the surface, keeps me from drowning in my memories.
"This," he says, then waves his fork around his plate for effect, "is great!" He sounds anything but convincing I can tell he hates it - it took him five minutes to swallow.
"Liar!" I shout, throwing my napkin at him. Shit. I pause staring at him having no idea how he will react. He laughs and I relax. My true personality is slipping out more and more, but I don't want him to take my playfulness as being disrespectful. I laugh with him, and it feels good.
I fill my own fork up with the salad wanting to see if he's picky or if it really is as bad as it looked on paper. I put it in my mouth and immediately spit it out; it's awful. I feel bad that he didn't come home to a great dinner, but he's laughing. He must not mind. I decide to not over think the situation, to not be scared to make any movements and go with it - have fun.
He keeps laughing at me or the dinner; I'm not sure which. I pick up a piece of the awful lettuce and throw it at him. I have terrible aim, but it hits him right in his forehead and sticks. I can't help it, I start to laugh so hard.
I'm still laughing, I don't even notice him coming at me, but I'm fast and run from him. At first I'm freaked out; I think he's pissed. I wait for the blow to come, but it doesn't. I realize he's playing, and I'm relieved. I push my luck and throw another piece at him. This one hits him on his cheek.
He stands there and stares at me, lettuce stuck to his face, and he looks so cute. He pauses and doesn't move, his hands rest on his hips, and for a second, he looks like my eighth grade principal. He still looks like he's playing, but I want to be careful.
"Proud of yourself?" he asks seriously, but I can tell by the tone of his voice he's not mad. I take deep breaths trying not to laugh, but I can't hold it in and a giggle escapes. After that, there's no stopping them. I bend over clutching my stomach. It hurts from laughing so hard. I can't remember the last time I had this much fun. For a minute, I don't remember my past. All I know is me and Edward, and we're having a great time.
This is getting out of hand; I can't stop laughing. Edward is still standing there looking at me, still pretending to be serious even though I can tell he's fighting a smile - the lettuce hangs from his forehead and cheek. I take a deep breath and blow it out slowly.
"I'm... so ... so sorr-" and I can't get it out. I can't breath and tears come to my eyes I laugh so hard. I can't apologize seriously when he has food on his face. I look up, and he looks completely amused at my struggle. I will do this; he won't win. Taking another deep breath, I shake my head in hopes it will shake the laughter out.
"Ok. I'm ok now," I say, still laughing a little, but I've got it under control this time.
In the same mock serious tone he used with me I finally get my apology out.
"Edward, I'm sorry for hitting you in the face with that rancid salad I made."
He just stares at me and I have no idea what he's thinking. Then, he lunges. I feel myself fall to the ground from the force of his weight. I'm terrified for a second then I hear him shout, laughing.
"You're gonna be!" He starts tickling me and it's torture. I can't laugh, because I can't breath. He doesn't let up. Even though I hate being tickled, I'm loving every second of this.
"Oh God!" I shout, when I get a little breath.
"Nope, not God," he says, laughing.
I try again remembering something the boys used to always say in school when they were torturing each other.
"Uncle!" I scream, praying it's the magic word.
He stops for a split second, but I can't get out of his grasp - I don't want to. He looks down at me, his cheeks are bright pink, and his hair is a mess from our wrestling. He looks perfect, and I fall that much harder for him.
"I'm not your uncle," he says, and the tickling starts up again. I'm going to pee my pants if he doesn't stop now. I start shouting anything I can think of hoping one will be the word he's looking for.
"Aunt, dog, pony!" He stops, and I go limp.
"Did you just shout, 'Aunt, dog, pony?" he asks, laughing. I'm still in his arms, and it feels perfect.
"I was just going to keep trying to see what would make you stop," I explain with a laugh, feeling kind of stupid.
He helps me sit up and because of our position on the ground, I end up in his lap. We both freeze. I feel him below me, and he feels so good. I know he's just doing me a favor, helping me out. I know I'm nothing but a nuisance to him, but at this exact moment, I feel... loved. Before I have time to think about it, I lean in and press my lips to his. Before I even know what I did, he pulls back, and I'm crushed. Not surprised but crushed.
"Oh, God. I'm so sorry," I say, scrambling to get out of his lap, completely mortified. Of course he doesn't want me. He shocks me when he grabs my hand and keeps me from moving off his lap.
"No, no. It's ok. I was just surprised is all," he says.
I look into his eyes, and he looks like he's telling the truth. His eyes get closer to mine, and then I feel his lips, warm, soft, against mine. His lips are pressed against me and I'm frozen. He's waiting for me to kiss him back, he's not forcing me. I don't know what to do.
My heart goes a million miles per hour. This is my first kiss, I tell myself. This is the moment that every girl thinks about from the minute she first noticed boys or saw the princess get kissed by the prince. This is my moment, Edward is my prince. Of course I've kissed before, but I've only been forced, dominated. No, this is my first kiss, the boy I chose. I'm mortified when I realize I still haven't moved. Edward is perfect, and I'm sure he's been with many girls. What girl wouldn't want him? I know I won't measure up, but I have to try.
I start to move my lips with his, he seems to follow my lead, and I appreciate it. This is the first time I've willingly been with someone and don't know what to expect. I never thought I'd enjoy this, never thought there'd be a man I wouldn't fear - or hate.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do, so I just do what feels natural. I move my hands to his hair, pulling him closer to me. I feel his tongue on my lips, and I moan before I can stop myself. His hands go to my hair, and I start to feel a little held down. I love this, but I'm afraid it might be too much for me. Before I can say anything to him, I feel his hands slip under my legs as he picks us up.
He walks us to the bed and lays me down. I'm starting to panic but refuse, I have feelings for this man, and I will be normal. I'm determined to make him want me, even though I'm nothing desirable.
I'm lying on my back on the bed. I feel his weight on top of me, and I love it. My hands are still in his hair and our kissing becomes more intense - needy. The panic is starting to cloud my thoughts; it's too far now and I can't control it. I close my eyes tight, praying for him to stop before I have an attack. I can't get my voice to work to ask him to stop. I squirm trying to get out from underneath him, but he takes it as me enjoying it and gets more aggressive with his kissing.
Before I know what has happened I'm not in the motel room with Edward anymore. I'm back in Phoenix, in my small room, and Alec is on top of me.
His hot breath is on my neck. He bites me, and I can feel the pain. I think he broke my skin this time. His hands are rough and violent. He pinches and grabs me - hard. Tears come out of my eyes. I want him to be done and off of me. I want to be alone in my cell. I want him off of me now.
I whimper and the weight flies off of me. That isn't right. Alec never stops, no matter how much I beg. I feel his hands on my head.
"No, no, no," I manage to get out. I have no idea where I am or what's happening. I'm so scared. I feel my whole body shaking. I curl myself up as tight as I can, hoping to shield myself from any danger I'm not aware of, that's heading my direction.
I hear someone saying my name - I know that voice. I can't figure out who it is. I know it isn't Alec though, and that's all that matters. I feel miles away. I'm conscious but I can't control my thoughts or panic. My chest hurts. I can't breath.
I hear my name again. Over and over. The voice sounds pained. Everything around me is becoming clearer, yet, I'm still so confused. Finally, I remember. I remember the face of a man. He's protected me; he doesn't let anyone near me. I can't remember his name in my haze of panic; this makes me panic more. I only remember one word I scream it out; I need him now.
"Fuggiasco," I cry out. There's no response. I hear the word over and realize it's coming from me. My panic is increasing again, and I'm back in the little room that has been my prison; I don't want to go back there - I won't survive it. I fight the panic and the name comes to me.
"Edward, help!" I plead.
I need him. I feel arms wrap around me, and I know it's him. I know I'm safe. I cling to him as much as I can, my arms tight around his neck. Tears pour out of my eyes, and I can't control my sobs no matter how hard I try. He's rocking me, loving me. He tells me no one will ever hurt me again. I believe him. For the first time, I feel safe.
The panic is almost gone, but my chest is still tight. I whimper from the pain and try to get air into my lungs. I feel so tired, I can't keep my eyes open. All my strength is gone. I lay my head on his shoulder.
I hear him apologizing to me, but it makes no sense. He saved me. He found me in the darkest place of my existence and pulled me out. I want to tell him thank you. I want to tell him I think I love him, but I can't. All I can do is give into the darkness that's dragging me down and slip into unconsciousness.
Sometime later I wake up, and it's pitch black in the room. My body hurts, everywhere. First, I notice my throat. I try to swallow and am almost unable to. My head is pounding. My legs and chest are sore. I feel something move beneath me and open my dry, sore eyes. I'm straddling Edward, laying on his chest. All the events come flying back to me like a horrific nightmare, and I want to crawl in a hole and die.
We had a fun night, and he kissed me. Edward, the man I've been falling for actually kissed me, and I melted down into a huge panic attack. I probably scared the shit out of him. This isn't the first panic attack I've had. No, far from it. It's the first time I've had one in front of someone that I want so badly to like me - love me. I'm humiliated.
Ever so gently I crawl off of him, careful not to wake him. He snorts and stirs a little, I freeze. I need some time on my own to figure everything out. I don't know how I'll face him again.
I go into the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. My face is so splotchy, my eyes are swollen and red. My hair is a mess. The scars on my face, courtesy of Alec, scream out at me. I could go on forever; I'm ugly. I used to feel pretty. Alice and I would give each other makeovers. Our parents would tell us how gorgeous we looked, right before they told us to wash the makeup off. I used to like myself. Now, I don't. I look used and broken - exactly what I am.
Edward has been pushing me to tell him where I came from, what happened to me. At first I didn't trust him, at all. He's a man, and I've had nothing but abusive situations with men. He earned my trust and took care of me, never once taking advantage of me, even though he's had ample opportunity.
Once I trusted him, I was too scared to tell him. Alec knows a lot of people. No one can know who I am. I don't want Edward to know; I don't want to put him in that kind of danger. He promised I would be safe, that we would be safe.
Now, I'm out of excuses. He deserves to know. I just don't want to tell him. He'll be disgusted with me. As soon as he knows the truth - that I'm used and dirty, that I'll obviously never be able to give myself to him, no matter how much I want to, he will show me the door, probably before the sun even rises. I don't blame him.
I've fallen for him, and he's the last person I want to know the disgusting details of my recent past. His history is a mystery to me, as well. Even though Edward is so open with me about everything, he shares everything with me, except his past. I just hope it isn't as bad as mine. He deserves only good things. With one last angry look into my reflection, I leave the bathroom.
Edward lays against the headboard in the same position I left him. My first thought is that he'll have a sore neck in the morning. I don't want him to hurt; I want to move him but know it would wake him, so I don't. I go and sit in the darkest corner of the room and stare out the window. I play different scenarios in my head of what will happen.
I've probably been torturing myself with my thoughts for hours. I'm about to follow through with my last idea. If I leave before he wakes up, then it won't be awkward, and he won't have to deal with me anymore. I hear a loud crack and whip my head toward the noise. I see Edward twisting his neck. I feel guilty all over again. He'll be in pain because of me.
"Hey," he says when he notices me. His voice is thick with sleep. I don't trust my voice, so I just give him a tired smile. He stands and walks right over to me. There's a chair right next to me, but he chooses the one farthest from me - of course.
"Bella, I am so sorry," he says. His words sound like a plea. I'm confused. I'm the one that should be sorry.
"Edward," I say but it comes out so soft, my voice so weak. "You have no reason to be sorry, at all." He looks like he's going to argue with me, so I start to speak before he can.
"No, I know what you're going to say and just... no." I want to sound strong, but my voice comes out so weak and pathetic. Edward is too nice, he won't kick me out. He doesn't know yet, but he needs to know everything before he decides if he wants me to stay or not. He deserves to know.
"Edward, I think... I think there are some things I need to tell you."
I'm not sure if and when there will be more outtakes. It's very time consuming and I would really like to focus on completing Fuggiasco and A New Normal.
Please take a second and let me know what you think!