I thought the Headmaster would have a quick fix, a magic fix. It was so hard to go to him, surely that had to be the hardest part.

Useless! Completely useless. Doesn't he see how transparent he is? Textbook case, indeed. Oh yes, you know your textbooks. Including chapter 4: helpful, happy, useful things to say to bloody, sobbing Death Eaters.

-- Yes, of course you have potential. But, now then, Sev, about your childhood-

-- Quick fix? Really Severus,—that was a very traumatic time, you can't possibly expect to ever quite recover. Here, have some chocolate.

Why can't I examine it dispassionately? Poke at it casually, like you do? It controls me, I don't want it to consume me. I want to be outside my pain, want to use it to my advantage. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Someone ought to get some good out of it. It can't be you— you don't deserve it. Why this sudden burst of pity? What have you ever done for me? Where were you when I was a lonely student? Why didn't you try to help me earlier? I don't trust you. Of course, I don't trust myself much, either.

No. I need to look at this rationally. I need to name my emotions, conquer them. They refuse to be defined, let alone contained. What have I done to deserve this? Why won't it end? Why won't it ever end?

How do I make it end? How do I control it? What would happen if I gave up? How do I give up? How do I end this? Where do I resign? When is it over? What do I do when I can't take it anymore?

I won't make this my whole life-- To continue to give it power, to let it control me-- I am strong, I don't deserve this. I am strong, I can fight this. I am so tired of fighting.

Look at the muggles, caught up in their happy, innocent life-- this isn't fair- Why is this my problem? Why was this given to me? What good can ever come of it? I want resolution. I want absolution. I want to be numb. I want to forget. How can I forget? Make me forget.

I want tangible pain, pain that ends. Cruciatus is better than this bleakness. Besides, tangible pain gets plenty of sympathy, tangible pain is easy to heal. I want easy-to-heal pain.

Stay away from me! I won't be healed by someone who hasn't suffered first, suffered more. I want to hurt you. Let me hurt you so you can heal me. They don't understand, they can't heal me. They don't deserve to heal me. It hurts, it hurts, when will it stop?

What if it never stops? What if I'm not textbook? What if it never ends? I could end it-- Damn my obligations- I promised, I promised. Why did I promise? I am honorable. I am not that weak- yet.

No, I am not that weak. I will not be crippled. I will not be helpless, hopeless, useless, worthless--

I can't take this anymore. I refuse to take this. Enough. I have had enough. Go find someone who's been properly hurt to heal me. Until then, take your chocolate, your tea and sympathy, and leave me alone. I'm fine. Really, I'm fine. Just leave me alone.