Title: Attraction VS Compatibility
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of its characters. No copyright infringement is intended.
Rating: M -This fic will contain talk of rape and abuse. It will discuss rape fantasies and other uncomfortable topics. If this offends you, please do not read. No actual rape will take place during this fic, but sexual assault may occur or be discussed.
A/N-Thank you Tanya, for betaing as always and Chartwilightmom for prereading.
Thank you to each and everyone who read this story. I know it's been a rough ride through some of it and I'm glad that we all came through relatively unscathed. This is the last chapter, I'd love to hear your thoughts.
More at the end.
I walked into the living room. It was my living room, but not. The furniture was different and the walls were painted green but I knew it was my living room. It's also how I knew I was having a dream. I sat down on the couch; it was my couch and yet looked nothing like the piece of furniture my parents had purchased nearly ten years ago.
I looked up in time to see Edward enter from the kitchen. My dream self sighed, she knew what was coming. It had been a few weeks since my last rape dream about Edward and I was actually feeling annoyed by it.
"What's the matter?" he asked, sitting down next to me. Since it was a dream and I could see myself, I saw the look of shock across my face.
Dream Edward had never asked me anything about my feelings. In fact, he took great pride in hurting them before ripping at me with his vicious hands.
"Please tell me," he continued prodding. I thought at first I might just tell him this was a dream but what would that accomplish? I was creating this Edward…maybe I could get him to do what I wanted.
He leaned forward with what looked like confusion on his face before he kissed my lips softly. I didn't waste any time, because you never know when you are going to wake up. I slid my hands through his hair and held him to me.
He ran his hands over my back and down my rear, pulling me closer to him on the couch. I put my hand on his chest and pushed him down until my body was lying directly on top of his. I ground my hips into his and he made a delicious noise, somewhere between a moan and a grunt.
"Bella," he said, breaking the kiss. "Maybe we should stop."
"No way, Edward. Tonight you are mine and I will not be denied."
Apparently my dream self was dramatic.
I slid my hands up the front of his shirt, raking my nails lightly across his chest. I was rewarded by a heated look in his eyes.
"Fuck, Bella. I need you."
Apparently my dream Edward was perfect.
I nodded fast and pulled at my shirt, it got caught on my head and I yanked and yanked, but it wouldn't come off. I felt Edward's hands help pull on it but it wouldn't budge, and all I could see was the darkness. The darkness turned into the quiet of my room and I knew I was waking up.
"No…No…No." My dream pleading turned into real life pleading and I found myself lying in bed all worked up and no Edward of any variety to help me.
Once I got over the fact that I was the only one around to fix my own problem, a thought struck me. I had a regular sex dream. There was no force, no cruelty, and no bondage—unless you count the shirt that wouldn't come off, and I wasn't. This was a huge step for me and it brought one other thing into the blinding light.
I wanted to have sex with Edward Cullen.
It was three weeks after the dry hump against the wall and all I'd gotten from him was chaste kisses, and it was very obvious he was stopping for my benefit. Only I didn't want to stop. Do not stop, do not pass go, go directly to Edward Cullen's junk.
Through Zafrina's insistence, I had picked a hobby to channel my emotions into. Whenever the desire became strong, I took pictures. I now had a 25GB hard drive filled with pictures of Edward. He was my muse, he grounded me, and even though I was controlling this on my own, it felt good to have him there supporting me.
But right now, I wanted him supporting me while he plowed into me without mercy.
Apparently my fantasies had somewhat kept my libido in check, and now that they weren't as frequent, I found myself very…eager. Of course it could have had something to do with Edward's 'look but don't touch' policy. He'd given me a taste and I was hooked.
But beyond being in irrevocable lust with Edward, I was also in love with him. I had known for a little while but it wasn't something I was about to share. We didn't need any crazy declarations of love on top of our cumulative problems.
I was kicked out of my horny-turned-loving internal musings when a knock came on my door. I opened it to see Jasper standing there.
"Edward's here," he said.
"Shit! Already," I replied in a voice much too high.
Edward, in his attempts to keep me out of his pants, had decided we needed to go on a real date. Part of me hoped after the date I'd at least get him to feel me up, but I knew it was unlikely. He was walking on eggshells with me and it was beginning to piss me off.
I looked in the mirror and fluffed my hair, and then rolled my eyes at myself fluffing my hair. I grabbed my purse off the chair and headed downstairs to see my date.
Now, it cannot be said enough how handsome Edward was, but Edward in a pair of black dress pants and a blood red shirt had literally taken my breath away. His pale skin seemed to shine, and for once, he looked less emo and more runway model.
"You look really great," he said, using the full force of his radiant smile on me.
I looked down at the black dress I was wearing and thought maybe I should have worn something fancier, to look good on Edward's arm.
"Thanks, you too." I stepped up to him shyly and he leaned down, but at the last moment, he placed a kiss on my cheek.
My parents, thankfully, had given me some space even though Jasper was there on the stairs with his arms crossed. I wished I could have blamed him for my lackluster greeting, but I had a feeling Edward would have only given me a cheek kiss regardless.
Edward took me to a local seafood place to eat, followed by a walk in the park. I had a hard time keeping my eyes off him in the moonlight. He looked otherworldly and I wished more than anything we could just be a normal couple.
He did end up taking me back to his dorm that night. I sat on his bed and took pictures of him while he put his keys away and hit play on his iPod. He rarely even flinched anymore when I pulled out my camera and chose to just ignore me most of the time when I did it.
I kept my camera at Edward's; it was where I used it most anyway. I lowered the camera when he turned to face me, but not before I took a picture, hoping to capture the smolder in his eyes. He took a few steps toward me but then seemed to remember himself.
"I should probably take you home soon," he said.
I felt more defeated than angry. "Edward, if you don't want to touch me, then I don't see how you can be my boyfriend."
A pained look came across his face as he answered, "It's not that I don't want to, Bella."
"No, I get it." And I really did. He tried and I had failed him last time. If I thought putting the moves on Edward would trigger something horrible, I might have found some restraint too.
I packed my camera away and stood up, slipping on my shoes.
"Hey," he said softly. "What are you doing?"
"I think it's time for me to go home," I replied, trying to keep the tears out of my eyes and the hurt out of my voice.
I kept my back to him, his eyes burning me as I stared at the door. I wasn't brave enough to look at him and I didn't want him to see the rejection I was sure was written on my face. I felt his body come up behind me right before he wrapped his arms around my waist. He was so warm and I couldn't help but lean back into him.
I took a deep breath and turned in his arms. "It's okay, really." I looked at him and tried to will myself to look honest about my answer. It wasn't okay. If he really wouldn't touch me, how would we ever make it?
"I know you think I have some kind of perfect, unyielding self-control, but that's not actually the case."
"I'm not asking you to control yourself," I replied.
He let out a sigh and rested his forehead on mine. I shut my eyes and enjoyed the closeness of our position. I was going to take what I could get. My heart nearly burst out of my chest when I felt his lips brush mine. They were soft and sweet, and while I had many kisses like this over the last few weeks, this one felt different, this one didn't feel like it was going to stop.
I snaked my arms around Edward's waist as he lowered his lips to my neck. Each place his mouth touched blazed with desire until I felt I might nearly pass out from the heat. I had no idea my body could create pockets of heat just from his touch. Carefully and slowly, I placed my hands on his chest and ran them up and over his shoulders.
Wrapping my arms around his neck had put my chest against his and I felt the rumble from the groan he emitted right to my toes. From then it was frantic; he tugged at my clothing and I clawed at his. When his hand touched my bare breast, I thought I might explode, but he started to slow, the fire was lit and now we were cooking in the smolder.
He took my hand and led me to the bed, laying me down before joining me. He hovered over me, placing soft kisses on my chest and neck, his unruly hair tickling my chin. He kissed and touched and prepped my body until I thought I wouldn't be able to stand it anymore, and then he joined with me.
I thought I had been in love before. I was wrong. This was love; Edward, looking into my eyes, knowing me and all my faults, and still choosing me. Another girl would have gladly filled my place and yet somewhere along the way, Edward had deemed me worthy. He made every inch of me feel interesting as he moved and caressed, tickled and groped.
I tried to hold on to the feeling, I never wanted it to stop but our bodies sped up and the pleasure foiled me and before I knew it, the act was over. Edward pulled off me and curled me into his side. I waited for the insecurity to return, for something to wreck the moment. Instead, I felt safe and loved.
I raised my head and looked at Edward. Sweat had glued some of his hair to his forehead, his cheeks were rosy with exertion, and he looked beautiful. He gave me a smiled that warmed my heart and then he said the most beautiful words in the world.
"I love you, Bella Swan."
My mouth fell open and I watched him watch me. His face held no expectations, he didn't care if I said it back, and he looked content for me just to know.
"I love you, too."
I knew then we could be as screwed up as we wanted because it wasn't our perfections that brought us together, it was our faults. Both of us had our darkness, but we were each other's light.
As we finished the summer, I would love to have said we were either cured or stable or whatever the shrink talk is for us, but we weren't. Bella still had episodes and I still had the occasional problem being touched, never by Bella, though. She could touch me as much as she liked. The thing was we were dealing with it together. We even had the occasional session with Zafrina together.
I sat in the chair with my arm extended as the overly muscled and hairy man etched into my skin. Jane was the only one I told about this excursion, and even though she told me the stats on relationships lasting at our age, I think she thought it was a little romantic. She had been starting to soften up since her and Eleazar had become a steady couple. I had barely heard the guy speak thirty words but he seemed to have a positive effect on Jane. Bella would always laugh when I said that but would never tell me why.
"There you go, buddy," the tattoo artist said, placing a covering over the fresh ink.
"Thanks man," I replied and headed out to pay.
I wandered back to campus and walked along the path to the Quad. My life had changed so much in the last year. I had, simultaneously, the best and worst year of my life, and that was just the summer.
I saw my usual gang under our tree and headed over to them. Kate and Garrett were discussing the latest Harry Potter movie and I raised my eyebrows, thinking Bella may have rounded out more than just me. Jane sat beside Eleazar with just their hands touching on the ground.
"Hey," I said, sitting down.
"Edward," Garrett said looking up, "check this out."
He tossed a paper at me and it landed by my legs. I picked it up and scanned the headlines, wondering what I was looking for.
Then I spotted it.
Local Woman Arrested with Date Rape Drugs
22 year old Lauren Mallory was pulled over on Friday night under the suspicions of drunk driving. The police found excessive amounts of the drug Lorazepam, a commonly used date rape drug in her possession.
There have been three victims to step forward at this time. If you have any further information regarding this case, please contact your local authorities.
I could feel the anxiety rise inside me and I immediately looked up toward the table where Bella and her friends had sat all last year. A different group of students were there and my breathing picked up. I closed my eyes and tried to regulate the feeling. I vaguely made out the voices of my friends asking if I was okay but it was a soft hand on my shoulder that brought me back.
I looked up as Bella sunk down next to me on the ground.
"Are you okay?" she asked softly.
"No," I answered honestly, "but I will be."
"I have a surprise for you," I said, and Bella looked up at me from her bed curiously.
"Oh yeah?" I unzipped my hoodie and started to pull it off. "As nice as that is, Edward, it's not much of a surprise anymore."
"Har har," I said over her chuckles. It had been hard to keep the tattoo a secret from her, to give it a chance to heal, but it was worth it.
Her breath caught on an inhale as she looked at the lettering on my wrist. One wrist had my original tattoo, and on the other, it simply said Ma Bella. Held together, they read, My Bella, someone worth waiting for.
She leapt off the bed and was in my arms in seconds. We made love slowly and methodically. Neither of us made promises of forever because we weren't sure if we could hold to that. We both still had so many problems but we were going to try and tackle them together, because isn't an army of two better than one?
I contacted the local police and rehashed my story about my abuse. A couple of the police officers on the case had the good sense to look a little ashamed for not helping me more the first time around. It would be a long while before the trial would happen and it was still possible she could cop a plea bargain and never see the inside of a courtroom, but I hoped that would not be the case.
There were a total of five guys, other than me, to step forward saying Lauren had raped them. Hearing their stories had helped me cope with my own guilt and pain but it was Bella who had helped me even more. When I felt guilty for feeling lucky because I hadn't been fully raped like the others, she talked me down. I battled with feelings I couldn't even describe because I suddenly felt like I wasn't special. Lauren hadn't just wanted me so bad she went to any length she could to have me, she just liked the thrill. And then I had a nearly crushing depression that followed, because how could I even care when she had abused me?
The future was uncertain but I couldn't help but always find my way back to the center. Bella was what grounded me, and some days I needed her more than others, but I wanted her every day. I wanted her gentle touch, her quick sense of humor, and her sweet kisses.
I no longer felt incompatible with Bella. I never questioned why she would be with someone like me. Had I knocked her down off a pedestal I put up, or was it because I just gave up fighting what was unexplainable but so real?
What is attraction? What is compatibility, really? Is it shared interests? Or maybe it stems from shared experiences. You can have attraction without compatibility, but can you be compatible without attraction? I'm not sure the answers can ever be clear cut. The only thing I am certain is that if I am not compatible with Bella Swan, then I am not compatible with anyone.
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