Disclaimer: I do not own anything.
Summery: A series of one-shots that are missing scenes from Supernatural.
Season One, Episode Five (Bloody Mary)
Dean: Hey, Sam?
Dean: Now that this is all over, I want you to tell me what that secret was.
Sam: Look, you're my brother, and I'd die for you, but there are things that I need to keep to myself.
Dean is driving faster than usual, and he avoids looking at Sam at all costs. Sam knows Dean is hurt, but he refuses to apologize, or worse, spill the secret. Dean's frowns and scowls usually work, but not this time; he doesn't know what to say to begin with anyway:
'Hey, Dean. I dreamt of Jess dying before it actually happened. As you can see, I've taken the meaning of freak in our family to a whole new level.'
Nah. That definitely wouldn't work.
Dean is not good with these sorts of things. He can deal with the concrete; he can deal with things he can interpret using his five senses. Throw him an abstract theory and it'll drive him nuts. Sam figures premonition is as weird as it gets, and he's planning to keep his mouth shut about it.
It's not the only time he's kept secrets from his big brother anyway.
Dean certainly likes to think otherwise. Sam knows what goes on in his big brother's head. Dean likes to act all manly and the macho-guy, but let him get intimate with someone and he'll spill out everything. That's just the sort of guy he is; loyal, honorable. It's as if he's physically unable to lie to his loved ones. That's why he's always got the extra cookies. That's why he's always been the better soldier in the Winchester family; that's why…Dad always loved him more.
Sam frowns, remembering Dad. He had often thought that Dad always knew about all this. He always knew how different his sons were. It scared Sam; as if he was naked and the old man could always see right through him: his secrets, his lies, it made him vulnerable, made him hate his own father because Dean would never suspect; because to Dean, Sam was the trustworthy little brother, and he'd always stay that way.
Sam remembers the old times; remembers the times when Dean would admit to his mistakes with his eyes downcast, mumbling 'yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir' like he really meant it, and then he remembers himself, eyes narrowed, staring straight into his father's angry ones. 'I'm not apologizing. I didn't do anything wrong!"
Sam thinks it all started from there, all the anger, all the resentment burning up to a point that he felt like he had to run away from his family, run away from himself, but he just couldn't, because they were Winchesters and Winchesters always stayed together.
Maybe that's how he learnt to become such a good liar; that's how he learnt to twist everything and manipulate people to get what he wanted. It always made him feel bad, especially when he lied to Dean because Dean has never deserved any of this, but then again, what else could he do?
What else could he do?
Sam glances at his brother who's now humming a Metallica song under his breath. The frown is still there but it's less noticeable now. Sam's lips twitch slightly upwards, and he almost smiles. He can tell Dean is already tying to let go of the hurt. He's concentrating on the more concrete things now, our new gig, finding Dad, because Dean is like that; never ponder about things you can't do shit about, Sammy.
Sam leans on the windows, staring at his brother, and he almost spills every secret he's kept right then and there because Dean feels so real sitting next to him, so comforting, that he just wants to scream everything out.
'Remember the Halloween back in 1997, Dean? It was me who punctured all the tires, because I was so god-damn scared and I didn't want you to leave me alone, or the time I told you that Mary girl had cheated on you? Well, that was a lie 'cause I hated her, and you always let her drive in the car. Remember the big fight four years ago with Dad, when you came back into the room to find me with a black eye, finding out Dad had punched me? You were so angry at Dad; you didn't talk to him for days. Well, he didn't tell you I was gonna leave back then. I was gonna leave you and everything behind; no good bye, no nothing, but the old man didn't tell you anything; didn't wanna break your heart like that.'
But Sam stays quiet and looks out the window instead.
Dean parks the car at a gas station and gets out off the Impala, gently patting the roof.
"Want a half-caf, double-vanilla latte, Sammy?"
Dean's eyes are twinkling and Sam only smiles back, because he knows he's forgiven. It doesn't take much for Dean to forgive the people he loves, because Dean is a hero like that.
"Shut up." He says and smiles, but he still feels the heavy weight in his heart, where all the lies and secrets are buried deep within.