A/N: this is obviously not my usual category and I've only seen a couple of episodes so bear with me. I did see one episode that brought up this fic and the sequel to it that'll be coming when I get around to it so just enjoy for now and you can flame, but be nice about it! ^.^
I see now that I'm not a good person. I never really was, now that I consider it. I figured out that I did something similar to selling my soul to the devil. Selling it to Van Kleiss. Maybe worse, now that I have a chance to reflect. I turned myself in to be a killer and a demon with my nanites. As if I wasn't already a demon.
Living with it was going to be Hell all over again.
So I was a traitor to three in three different ways, betraying those who cared about me, those who didn't, and those who used me like their precious little toy. And myself in the midst of the worst of the lies and the more traitorous moments of my ways.
Taking it all back isn't an option and I know that. I always kind of figured it would never be an option once I dove in. I know I wouldn't want to take it back either. I'd rather have been through what I went through than live without it for eternity.
But I have to say that the hardest part was being a traitor to three. Being the face of deception and the face of what people hate every moment they live. Being the one called the liar. Being the one to decline the kindest help when it's offered. And so see crushed hopes and broken dreams when I have enough of those for myself.
I used Rex's trust. I used him and that was the first betrayal that I realized. He was that little splash of spring break and teenage life that I so desperately needed. He was the last shrivel of hope that made me want to turn around this life of mine so it was better and less stress and maybe, just maybe, Rex was the one to give me hope for the side of good.
More than once I was tempted to join him. I was going to throw away that chance that Van Kleiss offered me. I wanted to. I wanted to leave this evil side behind, but something inside of me was ripping it's way out and I wasn't going to face it once it escaped. I didn't want Rex to have to see this side buried deep from the world. So I stuck with the side that was for me. I stuck with Van Kleiss. Because I didn't know what else to do.
So I betrayed Rex. I let him hang there in the middle of my life for a few moments. He was suspended by the thinnest of threads... And then he was released, releasing me at the same moment. The last hope of me being on the side of good was vanquished.
I betrayed Van Kleiss's crew as well. They wanted me as one of them. They wanted me to be like them... They thought I was one of them. They thought I was meant to be a part of this evil league rising to destroy Providence. And I didn't really want to be part of it, but what other option did I have? I was a goth girl. I was a girl proven for demonic purposes. I was nobody and they could make me somebody.
A decision like that was like a decision to commit suicide. I looked at it and I questioned if there was a chance for another way out. Another way to freedom.
There was no other way. I took the jump and my personal suicide ensued. So did the selling of my soul.
But betraying them was simple. I got off task. I got distracted. I was just left to take care of my assignment. Simple mistakes that any rookie could make on their first shots. Rex had never been part of the plan. He had never been a target. My test was to call an EVO. A vicious one. It was my only test. And I was supposed to pass it.
I clearly did not pass my test.
In some ways, I have to blame Rex for making me fail. But I can't entirely blame it on Rex. I betrayed him, which made him come after me like a lost puppy for its master. And in the end, I was the one who was living in an entirely broken world. But truly, I don't know enough about him to say that he wasn't in a broken world as well.
And I'm a traitor to myself. I lied to myself. I said there was no other way out. I didn't consider Providence. I didn't open my mind to more choices. I didn't open myself up to Rex.
He was never given a chance from me. He was never given the time of day. I wouldn't let him close to me. My defenses were up and the moment I let them down, I was free. That freedom was shortly lived. I had no chances left. I had no hopes to be freed of Van Kleiss's wrath.
I betrayed myself by having feelings for Rex. I betrayed myself for being the girl I am. I am only a traitor to myself and those around me and I can never be anything more than a traitor.
I am a traitor. I was never one to tell the truth. I was never one person. I was never the girl that cared. I never gave anyone a second thought.
Anyone before Rex, that is...
A/N: like it? love it? I'd love some feedback! R&R!