A/N. Okay, so I haven't actually read Twilight. This is based on what I've seen in the first two movies, and what my friends (who are fans) have told me about the series. Naturally, it's pretty anti-Twilight and very pro-Sanctuary. I love how Henry and Nikola interact, so this one's all about them. Warning, lots of death, but it's comic. This is my very first crack fic, so reviews are appreciated even more than normal. And, under normal circumstances, they're like bread and water to this starving artist.

Random Historical Fact: This one's not too major, but I felt I should put it in. The real Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison had an epic rivalry and Tesla pretty much lost in history's eyes. After all, before Sanctuary, which did you hear more about?

Oh, and also—I still do not own Sanctuary.

Vampires Do NOT Sparkle

"Maaan, we suck."

Henry Foss accompanied his whining with a solid kick to an innocent can lying on the sidewalk. Gliding next to the techie, Nikola Tesla gave him a barely-interested sidelong look.

"I'd advise you to explain yourself before you go lumping me into that statement."

Henry stopped walking and Nikola grudgingly did as well. Before they left the Old City Sanctuary, Helen had given him her death-glare in order to eke out a promise that he would protect the sheltered young technical genius at all costs. Naturally, Nikola took "all costs" to mean stopping just short of giving his life for another's, but it didn't mean he could just walk away from the stubborn werewolf in the middle of unexplored territory.

"Look at us," Henry said, throwing his arms wide. "Everyone else is hunting down some crazy-dangerous abnormal. Will, Kate, the doc, the Big Guy, even Druitt—"

"Don't remind me," Nikola groaned at the last name.

"—and we're in a half-deserted town in the northern USA, following a tip that there might be vampires."

"Well, in actuality, I requested to investigate this rumor and Helen insisted that someone she trusts accompany me. So, to use your own words…you suck."

Henry glowered and started walking. "Come on," he muttered.

Nikola smirked and resumed his brisk saunter. For several minutes, the two abnormals moved in silence, observing citizens who observed them right back. The mass scrutiny made Henry feel awkward and walk with hands in his pockets, but Nikola strutted on with head held high.

Henry was a few inches shorter than Tesla, but solid. He filled out his graphic tee obviously. That, plus the vest, ripped jeans, Chuck Taylor All-Stars, and random jewelry made him look like a rock star. He had serious stubble and messy brown hair. In a word—scruffy. Another word—adorable.

Nikola was perfect opposition. Fair skin, clean-shaven, tall, and slender. Any muscle he had was lean and fit trimly in his tailored suit. The suit itself looked like he'd stepped out of the 1800s. His electrified dark hair somehow looked perfectly arranged and he walked with one forearm against his stomach like a true gentleman.

Put simply, both men were handsome and truly unique.

People stared.

"Dude, this is creepy," Henry hissed out of the side of his mouth, presently.

"Are you uncomfortable under the scrutiny of mere mortals?" Nikola murmured back. "No wonder Helen didn't want you on the serious mission."

Henry glared and Nikola detected a low, inhuman growl for a brief moment before Henry restrained it. Tesla smiled and looked back ahead.

"Relax, Tiny Tim. We're nearly there."


Henry knocked because he knew Nikola would never deign to do something that trivial. They had only seconds to wait before the door swung open to reveal a pale, golden-eyed waif of a child with ridiculous blond hair. Nikola quirked one eyebrow.

"Oh, look! A taciturn fellow with pale skin. He must be a—"

"Hiiii!" Henry quickly cut him off, speaking to the golden-eyed teen. "I'm Henry Foss. We're from the General Medical Council. Could we talk to Dr. Cullen?"

It was a good cover and one they'd rehearsed, but the boy only blinked, moving nothing else. Nikola's chronic impatience eventually forced him into speaking.

"Are you deaf?"

He still said nothing.

"Ugh, this is a waste of time," Nikola growled and spun on his heel.

"Hello!" A spiky black head popped in over the mute child's shoulder. Her eyes were golden as well.

"Ah, someone speaks," Nikola muttered. "Is your father in?"

"Not right now, but he should be soon. Come on inside!"

"Thanks," Henry said with a grateful smile.

The house was bright and spacious. Henry and Nikola were led into a sitting room where the entire family was apparently gathered. The girl (who introduced herself as Alice) began making introductions.

The older woman was Esme.

The bulky kid in designer sweats was Emmet.

The silent boy was Jasper.

The gorgeous blond eyeing Nikola and Henry hungrily was Rosalie.

"…and this is Edward and his girlfriend, Bella."

Edward was a terribly funny-looking boy slouched on the couch. The only non-golden-eyed being in the room was cuddled close to him. Upon seeing Edward's attempt at a brooding attitude, Henry snorted in an effort to restrain his laughter and coughed to cover it. Nikola gave the werewolf a warning glance to control himself.

"Everybody, this is Henry Foss and…" Alice frowned at Nikola. "I don't think you said your name."

Nikola smiled politely. "You are correct."

"And why, exactly, does the GMC need to speak with Carlisle?" Esme spoke up.

"Nothing conclusive yet, ma'am," Henry replied with a reassuring smile.

"Well, it can't be a complaint," Bella piped in. "Everyone loves Carlisle."

"Yes, well, everyone adores Edison as well, and he was a bastard of epic proportions," Nikola snapped.

Before the confused Cullens could speak, Nikola turned to Henry and shook his head, regretfully. "As I said. Waste of time."

Then he turned with his usual flourish and exited the room.

"Excuse us," Henry said, smiling and backing out after the vampire.

He caught up with Tesla at the front door and blocked the vampire's progress, lowering his voice to a whisper. "Are you sure? I mean, they're really pale…"

"Yes, and all pale people are vampires," Nikola said sarcastically. Then he dropped the smirk. "Their eyes. All of them gold? They're not vampires. This is a different species entirely."

"They must be some kind of undiscovered abnormal," Henry concluded.

"I fail to see how that is our problem."

Without waiting for a response, Nikola strode around the werewolf and made for the door. There was a blur of white and Emmet was suddenly standing between Nikola and his goal. Before the Sanctuary men could blink, they were surrounded in the front hall. The normal girl stood outside the circle, hugging herself as if incomplete without her abnormal boyfriend.

"Hey, hey!" Henry raised both hands.

"You know about vampires," Edward growled very unthreateningly. "We can't let you leave."

Henry's eyes danced from one to the next, nervously, but Nikola remained focused on Emmet—the obstacle between him and the door.

"Hm, well, at least they appear to exhibit vampiric heightened hearing," the genius muttered to himself as if observing an experiment. "That's something, I suppose."

"Now do you want to stay?" Henry hissed sideways out his mouth.

"They're not vampires," Nikola reiterated. "Therefore, I have no interest in them, nor do I care what becomes of them. This is Helen's department."

"Enough babbling," Esme said. "If you'd please come back into the front room—"

Nikola's voice was smooth, low, and threatening when he spoke with a dangerous curve of a smile. "I don't think so."

"And what're you gonna do about it, little man?" Emmet growled.

He was, unfortunately, just about as threatening as Edward had been, and Henry once again had to induce a coughing fit to keep from laughing rudely. Nikola's smile remained where it was, as if he was so surprised, he couldn't keep from being amused.

"Well, one option—and certainly the one that springs to mind right away—is I could just kill you all—"

"Tesla…" Henry warned in a low growl.

"—however," Nikola finished, "I know a lovely woman who will kill me—or at least try very, very hard—if I were to cause the extinction of an unknown abnormal species moments after its discovery."

"What are you talking about…abnormal?" Bella spoke up, looking terribly confused.

"Don't tax your tiny little brain," Nikola sniped. "I wouldn't want it to explode on me. This is a new suit."

Edward took a threatening step forward—or at least the Sanctuary abnormals assumed it was meant to be threatening.

"What?" Nikola asked innocently. "I can't talk to her?"

With a snap, Nikola's black claws slid out and he grinned to reveal his wide grin of shark fangs. Smiling, he roved black eyes over his thin fingers and solid claws, like a killer inspecting his murder weapon of choice.

"Holy shit!" Jasper yelped.

"Ahh, it speaks," Nikola said, amused. His voice had deepened to the layered, powerful timbre of his vampire ancestors.

"Tesla…" Henry warned again.

After a moment of palpable tension, Nikola's vampiric side vanished with a blink and a snick. Henry turned his attention to the Cullens.

"Okay, listen, we're not really from the GMC. We're from a place called the Sanctuary—a place to keep people like you safe."

"People like us?" Rosalie asked, tracing a finger down Henry's arm.

"Er, yeah," he said, uncomfortably.

"You see, we initially came here to seek out vampires," Nikola cut in. "I had hoped to find some of the Old Ones in hiding. However, you are clearly not them, and so we must go."

"But," Henry cut back in, "if you're ever in trouble, here's our card. You seem like you've got it pretty settled here, though. You have a lovely home. Nice to meet you."

Esme accepted the card and Henry moved for the door as he rambled, but none of the Cullen's moved out of the way.

"We really are vampires, though," Alice piped up.

"Noo…" Nikola dragged the word out as if speaking to a retarded child. "I am a vampire. You are strange, golden-eyed people with great hearing."

"We've lived for centuries," Esme said. "And we are stronger than humans, have fangs, and sparkle in sunlight."

Nikola began to correct his previous statement: "Well, then you're immortal, super-strong, golden-eyed, fanged people with…" His voice faded in genuine shock. "I'm sorry, did you say you sparkle?"

The Cullens all nodded solemnly.

This time, Henry failed to restrain a burst of laughter and he quickly clapped a hand over his mouth, eyes wide. Nikola looked beyond insulted.

"You dare call yourself vampires?" he seethed. "I should kill you all and damn the consequences."

"You can try," Edward scoffed.

Nikola spun on the teen and his vampiric side came out in full-force, actually changing his facial structure. His layered voice was a pissed-off hiss. "You sparkle? I'm sorry, kid, but in my book that's a transvestite, not a vampire."

Henry burst out laughing and didn't try to hide it this time. As such, he was not in a position to even attempt to stop Tesla from moving. The next thing everyone in the room knew, Edward's face was looking backward and his body slumped at Nikola's feet. TBella shrieked loud enough for even Henry to wince and he didn't have superhearing. In an instant, the rest of the Cullens had launched themselves at the inventor and he calmly intercepted them.

Stunned, Henry watched with slack jaw. He really wasn't worried about Tesla getting hurt. Already, the vampire had taken out three more of the Cullens. No, Henry's mind was miles away, wondering how he was ever going to explain this to Magnus. They'd just have to avoid telling her about the family at all. Tesla would have to make the mission report then. Henry couldn't lie to save his life—especially not to his boss.

He shook himself out of the reverie when the last Cullen hit the floor with a broken neck. Nikola was barely even breathing hard when he looked up at Henry. The anger was still flashing in his oily black eyes, but he was smiling now. A proud-of-himself smirk parted his lips to show gleaming fangs.

However, before he could speak, Edward's head snapped back around and he stood up. Gradually, the other Cullens followed suit, in the order they'd been killed. Nikola merely nodded, as if entering the next phase of an experiment.

"Very well. Full decapitation then."

At that point, Henry was forced to dive through the kitchen doorway and watch from there so that he wasn't splattered in blood or run over by fake-vampires fleeing at super speed. Nikola had to chase down the Edward one, but that lead to an epic leap, claws flared. Tesla's feet connected with the boy's shoulders, knocking him to the ground, where he wrenched the head off.

Henry had to admit, it looked cool.

Breathing a bit harder now, Nikola let his vampire side fall away and cleared his throat. Whipping out a silk handkerchief, he began cleaning his hands and fixing his hair and suit. Somehow, he'd managed to barely get any blood on him, but the spots he found he hissed over, supremely irked.

Henry made his way out of the kitchen, trying to get as little gore as possible on his Converse. When he reached Tesla, the vampire looked up, still perfectly calm and at ease with what he'd done.

"Well, then. Shall we return?"

Henry noted something over Tesla's shoulder and winced. "The girl…"

Bella had watched the whole thing with a decidedly green face and was now staring at them—specifically Nikola—with such shock, Henry thought she might have just died standing up.

"Right," Nikola said. Then he shrugged. "Well, no witnesses I suppose."

"Oh, no, no!" Henry was ready this time and lunged out to grab the vampire's arm.

"She's so stupid, she's a threat to herself," Nikola argued. "Killing her would greatly benefit the human race."

"Since when have you cared about the human race?" Henry snapped back.

At that point, Bella had taken advantage of their argument to flee.

"Hm, well, maybe not so stupid," Nikola muttered.

Then they both took off after her. She got all the way to front porch before tripping fantastically and hurling herself to the ground, where she bounced up, ricocheted off a tree, and fell off a cliff.

Henry and even Nikola jerked to an awkward halt, shocked by the suddenness of it. Nikola recovered first and held out a hand to the empty space where the girl's klutziness had killed her.

"See? Danger to humanity."

Henry shook his head, massaging his temples. "Let's just hurry up and get home."


A/N. I plan on adding a second chapter to wrap it up, where they encounter Twilight's werewolves. ^_^ Feedback is appreciated!