A/N: This is a story I got inspired from after reading a piece by Jillyan Call. The story was called The Problem with Secrecy. Check it outt!
I couldn't believe it.
"I'm so sorry Iz." Kara said softly with a hand on my back.
"Thanks." I said looking over my shoulder to her teary eyed. She nodded and then walked away, leaving me to my thoughts.
I stood by my mom's grave a while longer, letting my tears fall down my cheeks.
I couldn't wrap my head around the thought that she was gone.
It all happened so fast. One minute we were driving home in the rain, and the next we were flipped over on the side of the road upside down.
I sobbed, knowing it was all my fault.
That name made my blood boil.
She shouldn't have gone out with that so called boyfriend with her.
It began to pour again as I stood outside in the cemetery. I looked up to they sky, getting soaked by the hard cold wet droplets of rain. I sighed and began making my way to the car to go home.
I shut my door and started the engine. I quickly put on the heat to full blast and drove away from where my mother lay.
When I got home, I parked my car and looked at the outside of the place I called home.
Not having my mother there was going to be quite. Too quite.
We never had the perfect relationship; as a matter of fact our roles were kind of switched.
I was always the mature and responsible one, while Renee was the more carefree and flamboyant person. But that didn't mean I didn't love her. I grew so much closer to her as I grew up, and even more so when Charlie died.
My father died when I was 10, which is why we left Forks. My mom kept the house, but we never returned. She always claimed that it was because there were too many memories of him in the house and being around him made her want him to be with her.
I nodded, never pushing the subject. I could imagined how that felt- Being surrounded by someone you truly loved, but not being able to ever see them again.
I remember one day when she came home drunk she admitted to me that she could never let go of Charlie, and she would never let go of that house.
That night, I held her while she sobbed for my dad, and I rubbed her back and held her hair up while she puked.
I snapped out of my thoughts as I felt warm salty tears hit my lips. I quickly wiped them away and got out of the truck, running inside for cover against the rain.
When I wiped my feet and shut the door behind me, I couldn't believe who was sitting on the couch in the family room.
He looked up at me when the door shut and his eyes filled with tears.
"Bella." He said getting up.
I quickly stepped back, feeling the anger inside of me rise up.
"What are you doing here?" I seethed.
"Bella, I know you are mad at me. And I certainly know you blame me."
I looked away from him. He was right. I was so angry with him.
If he didn't want to meet her at the bar then I would have never had to pick her up from there drunk. I would have never had to drive in the rain or yell at her for being immature. I would have never had to take my eyes off the road to look at her. And I would have never missed the car and its bright headlights speeding towards us.
"Why are you here Phil?"
"Because I wanted to say I was sorry. I shouldn't have been drinking with Renee at the bar." I nodded, not really wanting to reminisce the day my life came crashing down on me again.
"I was going to marry her you know." He said sadly.
My head snapped up and I looked at him.
"I asked her right before I signed my big contract. She said yes, but she didn't want to say anything till I came back and we celebrated properly."
I bit my lip to stop myself from crying.
"We were planning on telling you the day after the accident." He said sobbing a little.
The tears betrayed my poker face and began to fall.
"Bella I'm so sorry." He said.
I looked at him and saw him fall apart. I walked over and hugged him. He pulled his arms around me and we cried together in the foyer.
After a while we pulled back. It was pretty late so I headed for a shower and then bed.
Right before I went to bed I went downstairs to check on Phil. He was sitting on the couch with a picture of him and Renee in his hands.
"Good night Phil." I said peeking my head around the corner of the stairs.
"Night Bella." He said over his shoulder. I could tell from the glare of the fire in our living room that he was crying.
I sighed and went back upstairs.
I plopped down on my bed and snuggled with my pillows and blankets.
At around 4 am, I sat up in my bed wide eyed. I couldn't sleep.
I tried to just lay and bed and listen to my iPod, but it wasn't working. As I sighed and got out of bed I decided to take a warm shower, and going for a run. It was about six when I got home, and by then I know there was no use on trying to go back to bed.
I went downstairs and just stood there watching Phil sleeping on the couch, probably passed out from all the tequila he drank last night when I went to bed.
I carefully and quietly took the bottle of hard liquor off the table beside him and went to the kitchen to dump it.
I hated alcohol. Growing up with it around Renee was enough for me to see how bad it could turn a person.
I shivered at the thought at some of the experiences I had when Renee was drunk.
After I was finished cleaning up the liquor I turned and sat on the counter.
I hated how quite the house was, and I hated how everything reminded me of her. It was like it was my turn to suffer how she felt when Charlie left us.
I decided I needed to do something about it.
I went swiftly up the stairs and into her room. When I opened the door, it took my breath away.
It smelled like her. Everything about the room was her personality, her characteristics; the only thing missing was her.
I pushed away my thoughts and let my mind go on auto pilot. I began cleaning up her room and packing things away. Some of her stuff I filed into her dresser, and some in her closet. I made sure they were all put away neatly, and were out of sight. I went to shove some more stuff in her closet, when I found a thin, small white cardboard box up above by the attic door.
I reached on my tippy toes and bent my wrist to pull it down. My curiosity got the best of me and I opened it up.
I saw a white folded letter with black cursive handwriting that slightly bled through the paper. I recognized it as Renee's handwriting. I could spot it anywhere.
I saw there was a think piece of paper, almost like a piece of certificate paper, lying face down on the bottom of the box.
I decided to read the letter first. I mean, that's probably why they are on top right?
Oh gosh, I can't believe what I just done.
Here I am Renee Swan writing to a piece of paper about my problems. Why? You ask. Well because Charlie is gone out of town for work (not that I want him to know about this) and I can't talk to anyone about this. I was stupid and I was foolish. I slept with Eric McGrath. There I said it. I don't know why I did it. He just down from La Push to give me the great news that he and his wife were going to be expecting a baby soon, and I was so upset that Charlie was going to be gone for a year and one thing lead to another and now we are here. It's not just that I slept with him, but also the fact that I'm pregnant. Yes, I wrote it correctly. I bought 3 tests to prove it. And yesterday I went to the doctors and he said I was going to be having a little girl! I can't wait, but I can't let anyone know about this. I guess I will be telling Charlie I am having his baby…yes, I mean we did have sex before he left, so its right around that time I guess, maybe a few months earlier, but that doesn't matter right?
I will not tell Eric. No, I can't. They are expecting a boy; they are naming him Paul after his father. He was so happy, and this would break them up. I couldn't do that.
Well thank you I guess, you piece of helpful paper. You have helped me think of what to do. I will raise this child as mine and Charlie's own. This will be kept between you and me, till the day I die.
I reread the paper one more time before letting it all sink in. Well I guess one thing was for sure, she kept the secret till the day she died, or well a little longer than that.
I swallowed the clump down my throat as everything began to sink in.
I had a brother, named Paul.
And she lied to me. I wasn't Charlie's. I was…someone else's.
The thought of being someone unknown made me sick. I ran into the bathroom and threw up.
This cannot be happening.
"Bella?" Phil asked groaning.
He walked into the room rubbing his eyes.
"Are you ok?" he looked at me alert and concerned now.
Tears fell from my eyes. "I'm not….I'm…."
"Bella?" he asked dropping down on his knees to me.
I looked up at him with tears in my eyes. "Charlie's not my father. I'm a nobody. I'm someone else's."
He looked at me shocked. "What are you talking about Bella?"
I pointed over to the small box and the letter beside it.
I watched as he read it and his face went from concerned to shocked.
Phil took some deep breaths and walked back over to me. He took me by the arm and helped me up.
"Come on." He grunted.
"Brush your teeth. It will make the taste go away."
I nodded and brushed them as he picked up the things from the floor.
I saw him sit on the bed looking at his hands. So I went and joined him.
"I'm sorry you had to come up here." I said, referring to come into Renee's room. I figured it must have been hard for him.
"It's ok Bella. Last night, after you went to bed, and after being drunk, I realized that Renee would have never wanted this. She wouldn't have wanted me to get all drunk on my ass and mope around. She would have wanted me to continue on my career, enjoying myself, just as she enjoyed coming along for the ride."
I listened and thought about what he said. I guess he was right.
"So yes, I will miss her. I will always miss her. She was my equal, but I think I am slowly starting to heal."
I nodded. "And Bella, thank you for forgiving me." He whispered.
"It wasn't your fault anyways," I mumbled.
"It wasn't yours either." He said stern. I didn't look at him, I couldn't. Not with all the guilt I was holding inside.
"Bella, look at me." He commanded.
I looked at him, but slightly towards the left.
"The man was passed out drunk behind the wheel. This was not your fault. If you didn't crash into him, someone else would have, and just think if the car was full of kids." He tried reasoning.
"I killed my mother." I put pathetically.
"Bella, you didn't kill her. She left this earth having fun. She went out with a bang." He said smiling.
I looked at him, laughing at the phrase. "So don't you blame yourself, you did nothing wrong. You were actually the responsible one in this situation." He said sighing.
"I guess I have a lot to learn." He rubbed his hands over his face.
"What now?" I asked, pointing to the papers.
"Well you are still writing to the Jacob boy aren't you?"
"And he knows your mother died?" he asked.
"Then you tell him what you would tell him-what you found." Phil answered.
I nodded, taking in a breath.
A WEEK LATER
A few days later, after writing that torturous note to Jacob, I got a reply.
Wow. I can't believe your mom hid that. Well you shall be lucky to know that Paul is actually my friend here at La Push. I told him about everything (well he actually caught me reading this note and took it out of my hands, because I must have had a weird expression on my face) and he said that he would really like to meet you. He was actually thinking of writing a letter, but he decided not to because he thought that would be trying to hard (don't tell him I told you that) Anyways, hopefully you can come down for a visit? Write me back.
Oh and the guys say hi, along with Leah and Kim. And Paul told me to say hi especially from him.
All my love, (well most, cause I'm with Leah) ;)
I smiled while reading the note. The relief I felt was like no other. Paul was happy I was his sister, and was excited to meet me. I had to laugh out loud when Jake told me that Paul was thinking of whiting a note but thought he was going to com across as trying to hard and his ending comment. What a goof Jake is. Paul sounded like a great guy, super nice too.
"Bella…" Phil said in a nervous tone from the kitchen.
"Coming!" I yelled from outside.
I ran up the porch and inside, making my way to the kitchen with the note from Jake in my hands.
"Yea?" I asked.
Phil was sitting down at the table, looking torn.
"Bella, my job…when I signed my contract that means I'm going to be traveling a lot. And when Renee was here, she and I agreed that would be fine, but now circumstances have changed, and I don't know what to do. I mean you can always come with me, its just, we wouldn't stay in one place for long and I don't know if you want to go to college or…."
"Phil?" I asked cutting him off.
"It's ok. I was actually thinking of moving back to Forks in Charlie's old house." I said smiling.
"Really?" he asked
"Yea, well I got a note from Jacob today. And he said that Paul was excited to meet me, and maybe I could visit sometime. So maybe till you are done with your baseball stuff I could stay there."
"But Bella, wouldn't you be all alone in that house?"
I smiled. I love how Phil has become my father figure in less than a week.
"Yea, but I bet Jake and everyone else would come and visit me a lot. I mean La Push is only like 2 minutes away from Charlie's house. And im 19, so I can live by my self." I said trying to convince him.
He sighed and went silent, thinking about his options.
"Alright." He said. I smiled and hugged him.
"Thank you." I said and running upstairs to write to Jake.
You won't believe this. I am moving back…for a while at least. Can't wait to see you and Paul. Tell him I can't wait to finally meet him. I will be there in less than a week (because Phil's agents want him on the road as soon as possible.)
I can't believe it. I feel so excited.
Write you with all the details later.
I sealed the letter and hurrily put it in the mailbox.
By the next day, Phil and I had talked over everything and he helped me put some stuff together.
I was just about ready to go.
DAY OF LEAVING
Phil was driving me to the airport today. I already wrote Jake two days ago telling him my flight number and where to pick me up.
"Bella?" Phil asked while driving to the airport.
"Yea?" I said turning towards him
"Take this." He said. He handed me a small plastic card.
"A credit card?" I asked shocked.
He nodded. "Phil I can't take this. This is your money. I have money Renee left." I said giving it back to him.
He shook his head and shoved it back towards me. "I know she did, but you should save that. This is a credit card to the money I am making. Bella you are like a daughter to me, and I want you to live life. It only comes once, well that I know of." He said laughing a little.
I laughed along and smiled at him. "The credit card doesn't have a limit and don't worry about what you use it for or how much you are spending. I think I am making more money than the president." He exaggerated.
I laughed a little, and took the card.
"Thank you Phil." I said.
We pulled up towards the entrance and he helped me grab my bags. He went as far as he could go, trying to watch me board the plane.
But before I could get on, I had to go over and hug him.
"Thank you so so much." I said with tears in my eyes. "You are a great dad, and I am so lucky to have you."
He teared at the word 'dad' instead of 'step dad'
"You are so welcome Bella. I guess my role is easy to play when you have such a great daughter." He said pushing my hair back out of my eyes.
"Now go board your plane. And keep in touch Bella!" he yelled as I walked off.
I nodded to him and waved before going out of sight.