Sasuke stared down at the shuriken pendant. It was the only Dante's necklace he'd complied with wearing. All the others had been girly, heavy or embarrassing.
The shuriken had been honed to the finest detail. It looked almost usable. Sasuke wondered if Sasori had helped her with it; Itachi had told him the redheaded teen liked to make puppets. He would be good with his hands, naturally.
"Are you ready to go?" Kakashi asked, cocking his Leaf forehead protector.
Sasuke, Naruto and Sakura nodded in unison and followed their sensei out of the village gates.
Deidara pounded on Shikamaru's door.
"Oh, it's you … how troublesome," Shikamaru groaned as he opened it. "What do you want?"
"Still sleeping. Why?"
"Crap. Never mind. Nice seeing you." Deidara ran off.
Shikamaru groaned again and shut the door. Deidara knocked on Choji's door nearby.
"…" Choji's mother opened the door.
"Is Nagato awake?" Deidara panted.
"I'll see." She disappeared and returned later with Nagato at her heels. "-and asked for you. Here he is."
"Deidara?" Nagato scratched the back of his head.
"Itachi needs us! Let's go!" Deidara seized Nagato's wrist and dragged him to the flower shop.
Ring! As soon as the shop door bell went off, a thin blonde with blue eyes came running into the store. "Hello, Yamanaka Flower Shop, how can I help – oh, it's you guys."
"Where's Hidan?" Deidara asked breathlessly.
"HIDAN!" Nagato shouted.
"Shut up!" Ino screeched. "My parents are still asleep!"
But in less than four seconds, Hidan came stumbling down. "Who the fuck was that, broke my eardrums, I can hardly hear anything out of my left ear, this is fucking bunk, who the hell is responsible – oh, it's you guys."
"Exactly what I said," Ino said dryly. "Now leave. I have to open up the shop."
They obliged, heading over to the Haruno's place. Konan answered the door, to their surprise.
"Why're you awake?" Nagato asked curiously. Deidara and Hidan looked from one to the other; they had always known there was some strong bond between Konan and Nagato and even assumed it might be stronger feelings than friendship and dependability … maybe even love?
After all, Konan and Nagato had exchanged gifts for Dante's Day yesterday. As far as Hidan knew, their gifts had consisted of personal items, even going so far as to wring a tear out of Konan.
"Sakura's an early riser and a hell of a loudmouth," Konan moaned.
Faintly, they could hear giggling from upstairs as Sakura chatted animatedly with a pal over the telephone.
"Well, we're stealing you," Nagato proclaimed, grabbing her hand and shutting the door behind them. Konan blushed slightly, confirming Hidan's theory.
"Deidara said Itachi needs us."
They ran a few doors over to Shino's house and knocked at the door. Immediately, amassed bugs threatened to stream the streets, but Shino's chakra will forced them back.
"What can I do for you?" he asked in monotone, hands in the pockets of his large overcoat.
"We need Kisame," Hidan said. "And if he isn't awake, kick him in the fucking gut and tell him we need him now, for some hell of a reason Deidara won't tell us about."
"Hey, I don't even know, yeah," Deidara mumbled.
"Kisame," Shino said, raising his voice just a bit.
"What?" came a distant shout from within the locked room.
"Your friends are here."
"Send them around … please," Kisame groaned.
"Why the fuck do we have to go around? Go around what? That bastard is too lazy to come out and face us? No way in hell am I going to him, that's just horse shit."
"Calm down," Konan admonished.
"Use the window on the left of the house," Shino ordered, and shut the door.
Deidara led the way, and they found Kisame's window.
"Why can't you come out, dude?" Nagato whispered into the open windowpane.
Kisame threw his huge sword at the window, causing all of them to narrowly dodge it by throwing themselves out of the way.
"What's your fucking damage?" Hidan roared, clambering to his feet.
"Calm down," Konan repeated, more forcefully.
"Make way," Kisame warned, and he dived out of the window. "Sorry, this is the only way I come and go from this darned house. I can't walk around because my sword scrapes the hardwood, or kills the bugs, or shaves the paint off the walls … it's hell."
Hidan burst into a fit of scornful laughter.
"We need you, yeah," Deidara explained quickly. "Well, Itachi called us. All of us, un."
"Zetsu and Kakuzu!" Konan said.
"Zetsu … is with the dog boy … we'll get him now," Nagato mused.
"Kakuzu wouldn't come," Deidara said absently. They headed to Kiba's house and were greeted by a woman with spiky brown hair, red markings down her cheeks and slanted eyes.
"Is Zetsu here?" Konan asked quietly.
"… Sometimes," Tsume sighed, "that … man, doesn't sleep here. He comes back for brunch, though, and you're welcome to wait."
"No thanks," Deidara cut in quickly. "We're short on time, yeah." He turned back to the others. "Zetsu never settles down, no matter what, un," he grunted.
"Way of the spy," Nagato shrugged quietly.
"Sasori," Deidara said, remembering. They ran down to Hinata's house with the black car parked in front of it, and rang the doorbell.
Hinata answered the door. "C-Can I help you?"
"Yeah, is Sasori home?" Kisame asked.
"… Y-Yes, of course. Would you like to c-come in?"
They followed her through the door to find Sasori in a blue t-shirt and pair of sweat pants, sitting at the breakfast table and reading the newspaper while eating out of a bowl of chocolate almonds.
"What the fuck is this?" Hidan shouted. "He eats chocolate for breakfast, this is so freaking wrong!"
"What's wrong about it?" Sasori asked offhandedly, lowering the newspaper and standing up. "And why are you all here?"
"Itachi needs us," Deidara said, for about the third time in that hour.
Sasori ran his hand through his hair. "Well, too bad. I haven't showered."
"What the fuck?" Hidan cursed. "I could've showered?"
"No," Deidara snapped, "no one is showering. We're going to see Itachi immediately, because he wants us immediately."
Sasori sighed and looked over at Hinata, who was still sitting miserably on the futon, mourning the loss of Naruto. "You gonna be okay? Can I take the Infiniti?"
She nodded mutely and got up to close the door as he left with his Akatsuki friends.
"We're driving?" Konan asked.
Sasori nodded. "No way am I walking all the way down to Sasuke's flat."
Nagato, Kisame, Hidan and Konan all piled into the backseat as Deidara took shotgun and Sasori got behind the wheel.
"Got any music?" Sasori mumbled to Deidara, who instantly started to rummage through the glove compartment.
"There's a CD …" Deidara slid the disc into the radio and waited for the music.
Unfortunately, the volume was cranked up, and high. "-first love broke my heart for the first time, and I was like BABY, BABY, BABY OOH … like BABY, BABY, BABY NOOO … like BABY-"
"She fucking listens to this?" Hidan laughed, reaching forward and shutting it off quickly. "Justin Bieber?"
Sasori raised an eyebrow. "Guess so."
Itachi was waiting for them outside of the Uchiha flat. "Really?" He glared at Deidara. "It took you forty-five minutes to pile into Hinata's car so you could crank up Justin Bieber?"
"That was Hinata's music," Deidara mumbled in defence.
"Get inside," Itachi commanded, leading the way.
"What's going on?" Nagato demanded.
"Sasuke's gone for the whole day," Itachi smirked. "He was sent to go on a mission with his sensei."
"… Kakashi, right?" Kisame said, remembering the fight by the Konoha canals with Kurenai and Asuma and the gray-haired Jonin sensei.
Itachi just nodded. "So it's the perfect opportunity to Transform into Sasuke and make things happen for him."
"W-What are you talking about?" Nagato asked, dropping a sweat.
"All of you guys are going to use Transformation Jutsu to become Sasuke," Itachi elaborated. "You'll go around the city and talk girls up. Lead them on. When my little brother comes back, he'll only have one choice on his hands."
"Hello?" Konan muttered. "He's already got about seven handfuls of choices."
"Yeah, but now we can narrow it down. You guys have to talk to all the candidates and single out one or two … then you flirt with them so that when Sasuke's back from his mission, they'll come to him," Itachi said. "Who wants cereal?"
"Ooh! Do you have any Special K?" Deidara asked excitedly.
"Nesquik?" Sasori asked.
"What is it with you and your fucking chocolate?" Hidan snapped. "I guess I'll have Special K."
"I like Mini Wheats," Nagato said suggestively.
Itachi sighed in annoyance. "Yes, Nagato, I know, and we have Mini Wheats, alright?"
Nagato smiled widely and said in a sing-song voice, "Thank you, Itachi."
"Like that wasn't creepy," Konan muttered. "If there's Nesquik, I'll have it too."
Itachi distributed cereals to everyone but Kisame, who didn't want any, and then sat down at the head of the table.
"So, what do you think?" he asked.
"Needs milk," Sasori said, poking at the cereal with his spoon.
Itachi groaned. "I meant about the plan." But he stood, crossed to the refrigerator and slammed a carton of milk down on the table, hard.
"Whoa," Hidan said from the impact, "chill. You're like a PMSing bitch virgin sometimes, I swear."
"I commend you for your choice of words," Itachi said through his teeth. "Now, tell me what you think."
"It's a nice place," Deidara said innocently, looking around.
"Oh yeah," Konan said sarcastically, "Sasuke's done a lot with it."
"Can we forget about my brother's interior designing skills?" Itachi snapped. "The plan!"
"It'd be better if we didn't have to do it," Kisame frowned.
"Fine. Kisame, you can stay at the flat with me. We'll be walkie-talking with the Sasuke-transformed."
Kisame mumbled his approval.
"No fair! I'm the one who should be staying back!" Konan pointed out. "I don't and don't look forward to having a penis."
"She's got a point," Nagato shrugged. "If anyone should be left out of this, it's her."
"I didn't say I wanted to be left out, I just want Kisame's job," Konan snapped.
"Don't worry about having a penis, it's great," Sasori said dryly.
"I agree completely, Sasori," Itachi said, smirking. "Two to one, Konan, you're in and that's final."
Konan gave a grunt of frustration.
Itachi ignored her and handed out earphones to everybody. "Finished your cereal?"
Everyone nodded and piled the empty bowls in the middle of the table.
"Everyone's clear on the plan?"
Everyone nodded again.
"Nagato, you can talk to the girl with brown hair and buns and brown eyes and the sweat pants and weapons; Konan, you can talk to the bigger blonde girl with the pigtails and giant fan; Sasori, you can talk to the tall girl with the blond hair and blue eyes in that creepy flower shop; Deidara, you can talk to the girl with the dark hair and the Byakugan; Hidan, you can talk to the cotton-candy-head."
Nagato pursed his lips; Konan grimaced; Sasori scowled; Deidara shrugged and Hidan frowned.
"Good. Three, two, one-"
"TRANSFORMATION JUTSU!" Five voices shouted.
Nagato found Tenten training at the grounds with Neji.
"What do you want?" Neji practically snarled.
"Don't talk to me like that; don't you know who I am?" Nagato said reflexively, preparing to declare himself as Pein, the leader of the Akatsuki. "I could kill you in a second!"
"You still believe that, don't you, Uchiha?" Neji smirked.
… Wait, what? Oh, shit, I forgot … I'm Sasuke right now. "E-Eh, ahem, um, yeah, yeah I do."
"Whatever. Why are you here?"
"I need to talk to the lovely lady," Nagato said, gesturing to Tenten in what he hoped was something Sasuke would do.
"What the hell?" Itachi groaned to Kisame. "Sasuke never compliments girls!"
Kisame picked up the walkie-talkie connected to Nagato's and said into it, "Drop the compliments".
Nagato straightened up. "I-I mean, the average-looking lady with the sweat pants and weapons and boxy eyes and trippy jaw line and buns. The … the not-so-lovely-after-all one."
Itachi froze. "… He overdid it."
Kisame sighed. "You overdid it."
"I'm DOING THIS FOR YOU," Nagato practically yelled. "Least you can do is stay out of it. I got this, okay?"
"What?" Neji asked, confused, watching "Sasuke Uchiha" scream.
"Never mind. Can you just … leave, please?" Nagato sighed, fluttering his hands in the opposite direction like butterflies as he motioned for Neji to give them privacy.
"What are you planning to do with Tenten?" Neji asked cautiously.
"Get the hell out of here, you tricked up bastard, I'm not going to rape her!" Nagato said, losing his cool.
Itachi grabbed the walkie talkie from Kisame. "CHILL OUT and try again!"
"Fine," Nagato muttered through gritted teeth. "Could you – please – leave us alone, O Mighty Hyuuga?"
"Just go. Please." Nagato shot a pleading look at Tenten, which for her, seeing "Sasuke" look to her for help with such puppy-dog eyes was a surprise.
"N-Neji, just leave … I don't think he'll do anything," Tenten said honestly.
Neji stared at her in shock, and then dutifully launched himself into the air.
"I thought you were out on your first A-rank mission with Kakashi today, Sasuke," Tenten said, when they were alone.
Itachi groaned. Did the whole village know? He said, "Lie. Fast."
Nagato fumbled with his words. "I – I saw – I don't – Kakashi was – something … something came up."
Itachi grumbled, "You're not smooth enough."
Nagato grunted, "E-Eh … I stayed behind to, uh, talk to you."
"Lose the stammering."
Nagato pounded his fist into a nearby tree and shouted, "I'm not PERFECT like your stupid brother, get it through your head already!"
"Stop it. You're creeping her out."
Nagato looked up at Tenten, who was indeed creeped out. "Uh … sorry about that …"
A loud rustle of leaves filled the silence. Nagato sighed. "What … do you want to talk about?" he ventured, hoping Itachi would get the hint.
He did. "Talk about relationships. I don't know … reviving the clan. Love."
"Didn't you say you had something to say to me?" Tenten asked slowly.
"So I've been thinking lately about reviving the clan," Nagato said quickly.
"W-What?" Tenten blushed.
"You know," Nagato said, confusedly searching his head for improvisation, "making copies."
Tenten blushed harder. "W-What are you saying?"
"… Itachi …"
Itachi dropped a sweat. "Making copies? Really? Is that all you got?"
"Eh … so, you like kids, huh?"
Tenten gasped. "Sasuke!"
"What? I wasn't suggesting we go rent out a hotel and bang the drum. It was just a generic question. Do you. Like kids?"
"I like kids," Tenten said, flushing red because she thought she'd misread his meaning.
"Great, great … what do you think about Sasuke?" Nagato asked absently.
Itachi banged his head on the wall. Kisame grabbed the walkie talkie and said, "YOU #$%ING BAKA, YOU JUST BLEW YOUR COVER."
"Do you talk in third-person a lot?" Tenten asked, looking at Sasuke almost suspiciously.
"… Wha – oh, yeah! Yeah … I do … got a problem with that?"
"So? What do you think … about – well, me."
"I … I think you're good looking," she admitted, "and so far you've been … kind of nice …"
"Cool, cool, well, just a heads up, reviving the clan takes a lot of sex."
"NAGATO YOU ARE SO DEAD."
Tenten gasped. "Sasuke!" She pushed him away from her and jumped a few feet backwards.
Nagato lifted the earphone right up to his mouth. "Put this one on the list, she so wants him," he smirked.
"… just … don't, man. Just get back here before you make things worse."
Nagato turned to leave. "Well, I'm gonna leave my dirty little legacy on you right there … gotta run, buns …"
Tenten looked at "Sasuke" with incredulity and indignation.
"Oh, and one more thing, buns…"
Tenten raised her eyebrows. "Yes, Sasuke?"
"… Can I see your cell phone?"
Confused, she drew her mobile out of her pocket and handed it cautiously to him.
Nagato scrolled through the Contacts list until he found a desired name. Then, he started texting.
If you're going to stalk us, could you please stop FALLING OUT OF THE TREE? … It annoys me to no end.
Itachi looked to Kisame. "What did he use his phone for?"
"…Let's just take her off the list."
Konan spied the girl with the giant fan immediately. She was sitting on the park bench, eating what look like a frozen yogurt.
"So … you like frozen yogurt, then?" Konan asked.
"Why are you talking to me, Uchiha?" Temari snapped.
"What are you – oh, wait, yeah … I'm talking to you," Konan said lamely. I forgot I was Sasuke right now. "So you like frozen yogurt."
"This is ice cream," Temari said. "Why would you think it's frozen yogurt?"
"We're all girls here. We all wanna lose a little weight."
Temari dropped the ice cream on the ground as though it burned her skin. "…?"
Itachi groaned. "Think fast, Konan," he said into the walkie talkie.
"Ah … I mean … just a little, you know? Lots of girls could lose a lot … no! I mean, don't cry … um … some people need to be fat, you know? Some people are too skinny … don't think that being fat is wrong…"
Itachi shouted, "YOU'RE NOT HELPING YOURSELF."
Konan spoke in a whisper. "I was never this kind of crybaby … I don't know what normal girls want to hear…"
Temari was angry. "Don't think that someone like you could make me cry, Uchiha," she snapped, turning away. Anime tears streamed uncharacteristically down her face, but they vanished as she turned back to face Sasuke with a hard pokerface.
"I-I …" Konan stammered, "I never meant to call you fat, it's just that Sakura and that weird blond friend of hers in the flower store … the one Hidan's with … well, they're too skinny and it's nice to see a bit more meat on there … been getting some protein, eh?" She said the last few words in the chummy fake-accent you'd use to talk a little kid with.
"What do you think I am, your daughter?" Temari asked, scowling.
Kisame looked at Itachi with a desperate expression. Itachi glared at the walkie talkie in his hand. "Konan, just play your seduction card. Give it all you got and get out of there."
Konan sighed. "Fine," she muttered. "No, I don't think you're my daughter … but how do you feel about making some daughters?"
She tried to make her voice sexy, and if she was still a girl, it would have come out husky and successful; but she was Sasuke, and it only deepened and quieted his voice into a menacing threat.
"Are you threatening me?" Temari snapped.
"Ah … eh …"
"Fly, little birdie," Kisame murmured with pity in his voice.
Konan didn't need to be told twice.
Itachi turned to Kisame. "I think we can drop this one from the list."
Sasori walked in to Ino's flower shop.
"Yamanaka Flower Shop, how can I – oh! Sasuke-kun!" Ino squealed and clung onto his arm.
Sasori shook her off, annoyed. "Urgh … uh, hey?"
"Hey Sasuke-kun! Did you come here to see me?" Ino purred.
"Say yes. Yes Ino, I did."
"Yes," Sasori said robotically. "Yes Ino, I did."
"Eh? … Okay … why? Are you asking me out?"
"No," Sasori said, cutting off Itachi before he could tell him what to say to that. Sasuke, Sasori thought, had a hard enough life without this whacko girl clinging to him everywhere.
"I am so in love with you, Sasuke-kun, and I would be the perfect wife and give you lots of sons and we could live happily ever after and make each other so, so happy…"
Kisame turned to Itachi. "Wow. She played the sex card before we could. That's gotta be a first."
Unfortunately, Sasori heard that. "Okay," Sasori muttered, "now, I am definitely not going to play your stupid sex card. She's going to dead-seriously rape me if I do."
Itachi groaned. Kisame shrugged, "He's got a debatable point."
"So … how's … Hidan?" Sasori ventured.
"Why do you want to know about him, Sasuke-kun?" Ino wrinkled her nose. "He keeps swearing! Left and right! Getting me in shit with my parents!"
Sasori shrugged. "I don't really care … do something about it …"
"Oh, I will," Ino said, running upstairs in a flash.
Sasori sighed and reversed the Transformation Jutsu. He pulled the tiny headphone connected to the walkie-talkie out of his ear (A/N: I figured you might be wondering how they could talk into walkie-talkies without the girls seeing; guess I forgot to mention that only Itachi and Kisame have hand-held devices and these 'Sasukes' are all wearing a headphone.)
He was leaning against the wall, drained of chakra. The metal cuff on his ankle that Tsunade had installed had been consuming away at the chakra it took to maintain his Sasuke Transformation and now he was exhausted.
He didn't know how long he stayed in the flower shop, unable to move, but Ino came down again. He looked at the clock, it had been a while.
"Eh? Sasori?" she looked at him. "Are you here to buy flowers?"
"No … just catching my breath," he said truthfully.
"Oh." She looked down at the object in her hand. "Well. If you see Hidan, tell him he should think twice before he swears again."
"Sasuke-kun was just here; he told me to pay Hidan back for getting me in trouble all the time. And I did," Ino grinned. "I was thinking of Sasuke-kun in my bedroom just now."
Sasori dropped a sweat. A.k.a. MASTURBATING, he thought frantically.
"And you can't think of hot guys like Sasuke-kun with just nothing," Ino continued. She held something up for Sasori to see.
Hidan's electric toothbrush.
Sasori ran outside into the street, vomited at the door of the flower shop, and smashed the little headphone back into his ear.
"Can we take her off the list … please?"
Hinata opened the door to find "Sasuke".
Deidara grinned. This, Hinata noted, was very uncharacteristic for Sasuke. "Hey, Hinata."
"So … uh …"
Itachi smacked his forehead. "Why does he sound so cheerful? God, I hope that dumbass isn't grinning like an idiot."
Kisame raised the walkie talkie to his mouth. "If you're smiling, stop."
Deidara's smile was wiped off his face instantly to be replaced with a menacing grimace. Hinata took a step back.
"I-Is there any reason y-you came here today, Uchiha-s-san?"
Itachi grabbed the walkie talkie. "Say something. Anything. Her hair, her kitchen, her food, her music, Sasori's room…"
"So you listen to Justin Bieber," Deidara winged quickly, remembering the car ride earlier.
Hinata blushed, confused. "H-How could you p-possibly know that, U-Uchiha-san?"
Kisame sighed. "Oh, you little idiot."
Deidara scratched his chin. "Uh, Sasori and Deidara and stuff took your car this morning, right? I heard them."
Hinata nodded. That seemed to suffice for her. "Y-You a-aren't wearing your n-necklace, Uchiha-san … n-not that you h-have to! I-It's…"
Itachi clicked his tongue. "Transformation gone bad, Deidara?"
Kisame furrowed his brow. "I don't think so. None of the other transformations had necklaces and no one noticed. She must be the only one who knows about it, then."
Itachi nodded. "Then, improvise."
Deidara obeyed. "I … took it off in the shower?"
Hinata nodded and looked away.
Itachi closed his eyes. "This is getting us nowhere. Just talk about hooking up or something. Plant an innuendo and get out of there."
Deidara didn't need to be told twice. He gazed into Hinata's eyes and smirked the way he thought Sasuke might smirk. The "Uchiha" placed his hand on the flat of her stomach.
"Soon," he said, "… this will be plump with my seed."
Itachi banged his head against the table. Deidara ran.
Sasuke walked through the door of his flat. "ITACHI!" he roared. "What is that Hyuuga's Infiniti doing parked outside?"
Sasori raised a limp hand. "Hey."
"Answer your question?" Itachi said, tossing a can of soda to Nagato, who was sprawled across the sofa.
"Why are you all here," Sasuke asked through his teeth.
After an uncomfortable silence, Konan sighed. "We've done something bad, Sasuke," she admitted.
Itachi sent her ludicrous arm gestures from the kitchen. What? No! Stop talking! NO! What do you think you're SAYING? "We – uh, lost something of yours. That's it. Nothing really," he mended smoothly.
"What was it?" Sasuke growled.
Before Itachi could lie, Sasori clicked his tongue sadly. "… Your pride."
A/N: Leave me a review! For any SasuHina fans who prefer LEGIT SasuHina love problems and fights and passion and romance and fluff, I have begun a more serious fic.
Go to my page and check it out! :) Please? And review for that, too!