Summary: Here's the recipe. Make sure to add the following.
1. An Arranged marriage.
2. A playboy husband.
3. A badass wife.
4. Perverted best friends.
5. A nosy sister.
6. A psycho ex-girlfriend.
7. Bitchy parents.
Now, what do you get?—you know what? Never mind. I don't want to know what you get. This willnotend well.
"No! Fuck you, both! And fuck you, Jasper Whitlock!" I shouted at them. I walked to the door, glass shattering under my combat boots.
"I'm heading over to either the McCarteys' or the Cullens'. And hey, maybe I'll stay with them forever. Wanna know why? Because they aren't making me get married to some stranger asshole!" I grabbed my board and walked out the front door, the door slamming shut so hard, I'm pretty sure it was vibrating.
"Wait, they said you have to do what?" Asked Edward for the 4th time. I glared at him and he raised his hands up as if to say 'Hey, I'm not the one making you do this shit.' Nevertheless, I still glared at him.
I had gone over to the Cullen house after my outburst at Casa De Swan. Esme Cullen had opened the door and immediately noticed that something was wrong, so she was making me chocolate chip cookies downstairs… I loved Esme. It was my luck that Emmett had come home with Edward instead of going to his own house, so I wouldn't have to repeat this horrible story twice.
"Wait, so are they for real?" Asked Em. I turned my glare on him.
"Do you think I would be here right now telling you this story if they weren't for real, Emmett?" I asked him, my glare icy. He shrugged and looked away.
"So what's going to happen then, Bells?" Edward asked. I raised my hands over my head and fell back onto the bed. I sighed loudly, grinning inwardly when Ed and Em positioned themselves around me so that Em's head was on my stomach and Edward's head was on my legs. I raised a hand and ran it through Emmett's soft hair. He closed his eyes under my touch.
"I don't know. Hey, guys, can I live with you until college?" I asked.
"Sure!" They replied happily. I laughed and then shook my head—this wasn't a possibility. Esme walked in just as I was about to thump Emmett's forehead. She raised an eyebrow at me when she saw what I was about to do, I quickly put my hand down and smiled innocently, even fluttering my eyes a little bit. She laughed at my antics. She walked over to the bed and set down the chocolate chip cookies on the dresser, grabbing one, and sitting on the bed next to all of us. She spent 2 minutes just running her hand through our hair.
"Okay, what's up, Bella?" Something about all of our parents, they didn't act their age around us. I think we brought out their inner teen or something.
"Did you know, Esme, my parents are saying that I have to get married to this douche of a guy?" I asked her, she looked surprised for a second before sighing.
"Truthfully, Bella, I did know." She said, bowing her head so that her caramel colored hair fell I front of her face. My mouth fell open and I felt Edward sitting up.
"Mom?" He said, sounding quite cross.
"I'm sorry! I was sworn to secrecy! I didn't think they were going to tell you this early! They were supposed to tell you when you turned 21, Bella." Esme mumbled into her hair. I sighed and looked away.
"That's okay, Esme. You're not the one making me do this stupid thing." The way I said that made it clear that I did blame someone. Esme stood up and leaned down to kiss our cheeks.
"I really am sorry you have to go through this, dear." She said before she walked out, shutting the door behind her. I rolled over on the bed, laying down on my stomach, Emmett repositioned himself so that his head was now laying on my ass. He turned around and poked my butt a few times. I squirmed and giggled a little.
"What the hell are you doing, Em?" I asked, still giggling. He continued poking my butt for a few seconds before he stopped and lay back down.
"I was fluffing up my pillow." He said.
I fell asleep still giggling.
Someone was shaking my shoulder. Someone was going to lose their arm.
"Bella… Bella… dear…" I groaned and buried my head deeper into the pillow.
"Mmphfhg..." I mumbled. Yeah, because that was proper English. I lifted my head and blearily looked up at a blob. The blob morphed until it became Esme.
"Esme, what time is it?" I mumbled rubbing the sleep put of my eyes. I could hear Emmett snoring from the floor—either he fell off or I kicked him off. Edward was snoring behind me.
"It's after 2. I only came to tell you that your parents insisted in coming to pick you up, no matter how much I told them not to." Esme said, stifling a yawn behind her palm. She was in her robe and her hair was mussed.
"Yeah, okay." I said before rolling back onto the bed. Esme shook my shoulder again.
"Dear God, Esme, what?" I asked, groaning. Esme snorted before pulling on my arm.
"They'll be here in 5 minutes. Come on, let's get you downstairs." She said. Esme walked me down to the front door, where Renee's jeep was already. I climbed into the passenger seat and leaned back into the chair, immediately falling asleep.
"C'mon, man. I cannot believe I got roped into this. Can you wake the fuck up?" Whoever was talking was blowing air into my ear with every word they spoke. I giggled and shied away from them.
"Yo, drama queen, wake up!" They said. I opened my eyes—seriously what was with people and waking me up?—and looked into the deep blue eyes of Jasper Whitlock. I blinked a couple of times before I narrowed my eyes at him, but that took too much work so I just closed my eyes again and leaned back into the passenger seat.
"What do you want?" I sort of mumbled. I heard a long intake of air and a loud exhale.
"I want you to get out of the car so I can close it and we can go into the house and I can go sleep, that's what I want." He said, sounding like he was speaking through his teeth.
"Okay." I said.
"Okay? Okay? What does okay mean?" His voice was getting louder.
"Okay means… okay." I mumbled, confused by his question.
"I cannot believe I am carrying you… you of all people." Jasper muttered under his breath. I felt him put his arm under my knees and the other around my shoulders, he grunted a little trying to take me out of the car. Never mind the fact that with just that little grunt I imagined 273 different ways of Jasper… ahem.
"Whoa, there. Just what do you think you're doing? You have to take me on a date first… well not really, carry on." I said, giggling. I could almost hear Jasper rolling his eyes. What was surprising was the little chuckle I heard from him. I leaned my head into the crook between his neck and shoulder and I immediately fell asleep… again.
I looked around and realized I was in my comfy bed, and I was in clothes. Gasp. I usually didn't sleep with clothes on, it was extremely uncomfortable… I must've been really tired last night, I concluded. I sat up in my bed and proceeded to take off my pants. I then started with my shirt.
"Not that—"Here I gave a girlish squeal, "—I don't like the view, but why are you taking off your clothes?" I heard none other than Jasper Whitlock mutter. I turned around and noticed him on my bed and on my pillow with a devil-may-care smirk and his hands behind his head, looking the epitome of relaxed. My eyes narrowed dangerously as I lifted the sheets to hide myself from Jasper's probing eyes—although I did get a thrill from the fact that he was checking me out, but never mind that stupid, unimportant, useless, little fact.
"What the hell—no, wait, that's too meek—what the fuck are you doing in my room, on my bed, and on my pillow?" I pretty much shrieked. To my intense pleasure, he flinched a little.
"Our parents thought it would be a good idea for us to share a room since we're, you know, getting married." Jasper said, shrugging. I gaped at him for approximately 2 minutes before I threw the covers off of me and I stomped to the door—feeling Jasper's eyes on me—and I opened the door, slamming it behind me forcefully.
"MOTHER! FATHER!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. Yeah, that's right, bitches, Bella Swan was not a happy camper right now. I stomped down the stairs, obnoxiously, and headed to the family room, where I hoped they would be. As luck would have it, they were… along with Peter, Charlotte, Rosalie, and Alice… and I was in my underwear…fun…
"Bella! What are you doing coming downstairs like that?" Charlie said, looking appalled. Yeah, you look appalled.
"Well, father, I was just in my room, and I was taking off my clothes, when I realize that I wasn't alone… Whatever gave you the idea that Jasper and I sharing a room was okay?" I asked sweetly.
"What? He's sharing a room with her?" Alice stood up and yelled, looking furious.
"Yes, they are, Alice. We thought it would be a good idea since they are getting married… It's kind of like practice." Charlotte spoke in her melodic tone. I shook my head and groaned.
"Well, newsflash! It's the worst idea in the history of bad ideas! If I have to be in a tiny place with that idiot, I'll end up killing him! Or he'll kill me! Don't you know the saying? Don't sleep with your enemy? That's why!" I wailed, raising my arms above my head. I heard footsteps behind me and turned around to see Jasper…. In his boxers… and nothing else. I quickly turned around so I wouldn't get caught ogling the jerk.
"Yeah, as much as I hate to say this… I agree with the drama queen." He said. I turned around to face him and glare.
"Who are you calling a drama queen, you ass!" I yelled angrily at him. He raised an eyebrow at me and pointed with his finger, right at me.
"I believe I was calling you a drama queen." He said nonchalantly. My eye twitched.
"I can't deal with this!" I yelled at the ceiling.
"See? That was drama queen-ish." Jasper said. I looked at him… and I pounced. We both fell, him getting the brunt of the fall and I straddled him and wrapped my hands around his neck, trying to choke him. I heard commotion behind me but I was focused on choking this dick. His hands were on my waist, trying to pry me off him. Somewhere in the dark parts of my head, I realized that I was in my underwear and he was in his boxers and there was so much skin touching and I was straddling him…
"DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!" I kept shouting at him. His eyes were bugging out, and there was a smirk on his face. Why was he smirking if I was killing him? I felt hands trying to pry me off, but my leg flew out and kicked whoever it was. I then continued the murder. Muahaha, I cackled in my mind. I was gleefully smiling. Jasper's hands went from my waist to my stomach, still trying to push me off. Then, one hand went up further… and squeezed a boob. One of my boobs, that is. I was so shocked, I went slack. Jasper took the opportunity to push me off him, and he stood up, rubbing his neck which was pink. I stood up, also.
"You grabbed my boob!" I shouted at him. Behind him I could see Alice fuming, Rosalie and Charlotte laughing, my father glaring at me, and my mother tending to Peter, who was rubbing his side.
"That's because, oh, I don't know, you were trying to choke me!" He shouted back at me. I turned my attention back to him and glared some more.
"You deserved it." I said, shrugging my shoulders and crossing my arms. Jasper's mouth dropped and he glared back.
"You're crazy!" He said.
"And you're a dick!" I shouted at him. We would've continued arguing but my mother, who finished tending to Peter, butted in.
"Jasper, dear, are you all right?" She asked, sending me a nasty glare.
"Yes, Mrs. Swan. Physically, I'm fine… mentally… I'll never forget that crazed look on your daughter's face…" He said, shuddering. I scoffed at his pitiful excuse for acting, Renee shot me another nasty glare,
"Well, come with me, we'll put something on your neck so the pinkness will fade." She said. Jasper nodded his head and followed her. Peter walked over to me.
"May I help you?" I snootily asked. He smirked, looking like his son when he did so.
"I didn't realize you had such a temper," He said, chuckling. I turned to fully face him.
"I don't. Your son is just… " I didn't finish my sentence.
"Yeah, he brings violent tendencies out from most people." Peter said. This time, I smirked.
"Even you?" I asked, smirking at him. Peter turned to look at me, smirking.
"You have no idea how long I've wanted to see someone do that!" He said, his eyes twinkling. I laughed and a second later Peter joined in.
"So what up with your side?" I asked. He laughed and shook his head.
"I was enjoying a good laugh at Jasper's expense, but then Charlotte told me to get you off of him, so I tried… and you kicked me. You reminded me of a horse because, man you kick hard!" He said, rubbing his side again. I laughed and shook my head.
"Sorry, I was just trying to kill your son."
"Oh, no worries, I'm all good." Peter said.
"Isabella Marie Swan," Charlie practically hissed at me.
"Yes?" I asked.
"Go to your room, right now." He snarled at me. I sighed and turned around to walk to the stairs.
"Yeah, that's right, to your room." I heard the nasal voice of Alice. I turned my head around slowly, I'm pretty sure I looked like a monster.
"You better be careful, or you'll be next." I warned her.
"Yes, Emmett, I tried to choke him." I said into my phone. I was on a conference call with both Edward and Emmett, telling them what went down today.
"Dude, I can't believe you did that! Man, I would've loved to be there, taking a video." Edward was chuckling into the phone. I laughed for a little while with them before I went back to the problem at hand.
"Okay, enough laughing. Tell me what to do, guys." I wailed into the phone.
"Well, all you have to do, Bella, is at night, either you go to a guest room or he goes." Em said. I removed my phone from my ear and stared at it. Then I put it back to my ear.
"You're right, why the hell didn't I think of that?" I muttered.
"Because you're nowhere near as smart as me," Em said, chuckling. I laughed and leaned back on the bed. I was dressed in a pair of black shorts and a black tank top.
"Shut up, Em." I smirked.
Hours later, I was still on the phone when my door opened an in walked the devil himself. I sat up in my bed.
"Guys, I'll call you back, bye." With that, I shut off the phone, not even waiting for a confirmation from either of them. Jasper walked further into the room, shutting the door behind him. He walked over to my desk and plucked an Apple laptop that I hadn't noticed there before. He then calmly walked over to the bed, and got on the other side, kicking off his shoes and placing the laptop on his thighs. His back was against the pillows, and he turned the laptop on, all without paying me any attention. I closed my eyes, groaned, and flung myself back onto the bed.
"What?" He asked nonchalantly.
"Get out." I said flatly.
"No, I'm good, thanks." I could hear the smirk in his voice. I sat up, leaning on my elbows and glared at him.
"Don't make me choke you again." I threatened. He shrugged.
"So… I have an idea. How about tonight, instead of you sleeping in here, you sleep in one of the guest rooms." I said, smiling brightly at him. He turned to face me.
"Do you honestly think, that of that was a possibility, I would've slept in here last night?" He uttered darkly. I sat up fully, now paying him my utmost attention.
"What do you mean?"I asked.
"I mean, your parents locked up every room in the entire house." Jasper said, before going back to his laptop. He opened up Safari on it. I gaped at him for a few seconds before flinging myself back onto the bed.
"This cannot get any worse."
So I was walking downstairs with Jasper. Renee had just called us down for dinner, and I really had no choice because I was fucking starving. We both walked into the dining room where everyone was seated already. Renee and Charlie were seated at the ends of the table while Rosalie and Alice were seated opposite each other. Peter and Charlotte walked in from behind us, and went to go sit down on Alice's side.
"No, I was saving that seat for Jas—" Peter's stare cut off her whining. That left the 2 seats on Rosalie's side. I walked ahead and sat down in the middle seat, right next to Rosalie, across from Peter. Jasper sat down next to me. There was an awkward silence.
"Well! This is fun, huh?" Renee said, smiling brightly. We all turned to stare blankly at her. She stood up.
"Well, I'll go get the food." She then walked out of the room, to the kitchen. There was another awkward silence before the parents all started talking. Rosalie turned to me.
"Hey, I'm Rose." She said, nodding her head a little. I turned to her.
"Yeah, I know." I said.
"So, I wanted to thank you for the entertainment you provided what with choking my brother and all." She said, snorting into her palm. I smirked at her.
"Hey, you're welcome. I'm just mad I didn't complete the job," I said to her amusement. She laughed some more before leaning in closer.
"So this situation totally sucks, huh?" She whispered. I nodded my head.
"You have no fucking idea." I agreed. Rose smiled at me.
"So what are you going to do?" She asked me, looking curious. I stared back at her,
"What do you mean?" I asked her.
"I mean, you don't strike me as the type to just sit back and let all of this happen, so what are you going to do to stop all of this?" Rose said, still whispering. I stared at her for a little while.
"I don't know yet… But whatever it is, you can bet your ass it's going to be big." I muttered, just as Renee walked in, carrying a big plate in her hands.
"Hey, if you need help, I'm in."
HAPPY NEW YEARS!