Explanation for writing this fic: I don't even know. I just started typing, thinking about the uncertainties that season four will bring.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fic and never will.
Penny is not content.
Laying in the bed that seems too big for her during the nights that seem so long, she finds herself unable to get to sleep. She finds herself not surprised at this. She hasn't slept well in weeks.
She's uncomfortable with this, the size of the bed and the number of the pillows on it. She's tried rearranging her pillows, but for some reason she can't figure out a way for all of them to be there at one time. There's just too many for one person-Penny can only rest her head on so many pillows at a time. Once she's determined this, and has tossed several to the floor, she finds herself with a bigger dilemma. Her bed.
Why the hell is it so big? She doesn't need all that space. Of course, she had needed it when this particular divan had been delivered months ago, but now its size overwhelms her, makes her feel small and insignificant. She could try to stretch out in the middle of it, letting her limbs stretch to all corners to prove to herself that she's not a mere atom atop the mattress…but she still can't bring herself to cross the center line.
She gets up and steps over those ridiculous pillows, grabbing all of her stuffed animals and piling them on the other side until the bed's size appears to be half of what it really is. Penny crosses over to her side and pulls the covers over her.
She doesn't feel any better. She can't relax, can't let her body get the rest it needs because something is still bothering her. Her heart still feels heavy and there's an ache in her stomach that isn't going away. Penny knows that she's the type of person who can't hide her emotions well, and she dwells on them, losing focus of everything else and letting it affect her mood, her diet, and her sleep. And the past few days had been bad enough that she wasn't able to stop thinking about them, replaying what had happened over and over, wishing she'd done things differently.
And wishing he hadn't said, "Come on. We're gonna have sex and it's not going to mean a thing."
She sighs, sitting up and propping herself that way with her elbows. Even after considering all the events of the past month, that one sentence was enough to completely deprive her of sleep and make her feel unworthy of the mud on her flip flops.
"And it's not going to mean a thing."
First, she'd been unable to tell him that she loved him. Well, she hadn't been sure, hadn't been confidant enough to tell him what she'd told the others, because what had happened with them left scarring associations with the dreaded L word.
Then he'd gone and slept with Dr. Slutbunny, and although Penny'd been jealous and angry that he'd "moved on" so quickly she felt even worse at the same time because she recognized what had happened. Rebound. She'd done it herself, each time heartbroken and feeling alone, and knowing that she, Penny, had driven Leonard to it made her feel like the slimy looking cornstarch that the guys made dance on the stereo.
She began to feel better once it seemed as if things were getting back to normal-true, Leonard had specified "on the couch" when he'd asked to spend the night there after a fight with Sheldon, but the fact that he'd been willing to ask her that had given her a sense of relief. It was then that she'd found it safe to move on, knowing he wouldn't go do something stupid like throw himself off the roof or down the elevator shaft if he happened to see her with another guy.
And after all that, after she'd hugged him, kissed him, made love to him countless times; after she'd felt the sparks each time those things had happened; after she'd told him he was an important part of her life; after she'd said "you have to know how much I care about you"; and after she'd broken down leaving the bowling alley and tortured herself with thoughts of them every night since…he'd come to her, telling her that it was okay, they were on the same page now.
"It's not going to mean a thing."
He thought their relationship had meant nothing to her. But it had. Every moment of it.
Penny is not content. In fact, she is miserable. She wants her best friend back.
Hopefully, if they can't be a couple, they can get their friendship back next season. Work on season four starts tomorrow. Here's hoping.