We're Made Out of Blood and Rust, Looking For Someone To Trust

Part one.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the show. The title comes from Honey and the Moon by Joseph Arthur.

Summary: Blair Waldorf has lived a lifetime of regrets and what-ifs. She doesn't want to wonder anymore. She wants to know that everything she does is okay. But mostly, she just wants to live.

A/N: This just sort of came to me, out of nowhere. This is part one of four; mainly Blair/Carter, with hints of Chuck/Blair. Please read and review. I've only ever written a few fanfictions, so please don't be too hard on me.

Non, je ne regrette rien.

Blair Waldorf has lived a lifetime of regrets and what-ifs. She doesn't want to wonder anymore. She wants to know that everything she does is okay.

But mostly, she just wants to live.

It goes something like this:

Nate is her first love. Chuck is her first time.

Carter is her first crush.

Blair Waldorf is ten-going-on-eleven the first time she meets Carter Baizen. He and his parents are invited to one of the annual Waldorf Christmas soirées; in hopes to curry favour of course, for a party is never just a party on the Upper East Side.

Sitting in her pretty red dress – bought just for the occasion, thank you very much – Eleanor tells her that she must behave and to be the 'little princess she knows is in there somewhere'. Her mother tells her that the Baizens are very important potential partners to her father, and that she should be nice to the their son.

Blair doesn't understand why she has to be nice to this Baizen character, let alone spend time with him. Besides, Carter is approximately four years older than her so it's not like he really cares what she thinks or does.

She doesn't want to disappoint her mother (yet again) or give her father a reason to no longer adore her (never), but Blair doesn't want to spend the party talking to a fourteen-year-old who she certainly does not want to befriend. She wants to spend this party with her best friends. Nate may be oblivious, Chuck may be heinous, and Serena may steal all the shine from Blair's light, but that doesn't mean she loves them any less.

Who needs a Baizen when you already have an Archibald, a Bass, and a van der Woodsen?

But when Carter walks out of the elevator and into the Waldorf penthouse, Blair forgets who Nate Archibald is.

Carter Baizen is the perfect combination of Nate and Chuck: he has the Bass charm and the smirk, and Chuck's bad boy good looks; he has good manners and a good family and baby blues like Nate. He is polite like Nate and rude like Chuck.

But Carter is all his own. He is everything she knows and he is everything she does not know. He is everything she wants and he is everything she does not want. He is everything she loves and he is everything she detests.

He is Carter Baizen,and he doesn't let anyone forget it.

There are only a few things Blair Waldorf really knows throughout the course of her life.

One: She knows that she loves Nate –

Always has, always will.

– but that doesn't mean she can't like someone else.

She thinks that maybe she shouldn't like Carter; because when you love someone you're supposed to give your entire heart to them, right?

Her feelings are futile in the end, anyway, because Carter notices Serena; and despite being only eleven Serena is already the star of the show.

Two: No matter what she does, the boy will never love her the most.

Serena doesn't really notice Carter. He is just another boy to string along – a high-school boy, no less – on her long list of admirers.

Nate and Chuck are both mesmerized by him and his tales of debauchery. He becomes their aspiration, Serena's love interest and Blair's enemy.

Blair Waldorf always gets her way, and Carter Baizen is no exception.

Someday he will disappoint everyone, she will make sure of it.

If she can't have him, then her best friends can't either.

Little Blair Waldorf grows up.

But Serena van der Woodsen grows up faster.

All the boys at school love her – seniors, juniors, Nate – and Blair is left in the shadows once again.

Carter loves her, too. Blair knows that Serena slept with him (maybe even loves him or likes him – it's not like there is a difference to Serena) but they both pretend that it means nothing to either of them.

Three: Carter Baizen is just one thing on a long list of what Serena van der Woodsen has taken from Blair Waldorf.

He doesn't hurt the most, but he doesn't hurt the least.

Four: Serena is no longer a star; she is a comet: dangerously beautiful, burning brightly, out of control, destroying everything in her path.

Someday Serena will crash and burn and Blair will watch her life go up in flames.

Blair tells herself she'll still love her and protect her, but in her heart she wonders if that's really true.

Five: Blair Waldorf is always right.

Serena crashes and burns.

She fucks Nate and kills Pete, so she runs away and leaves behind a lifetime of regrets, mistakes, and memories.

Blair pretends not to miss her, and takes her place on the throne where she knows she belongs. She rules with an iron fist and an acid tongue. She makes people fear her, not love her. Blair rules with her head and not with her heart.

(That is just one difference between her and Serena)

She has Nate, but she wants more. She wants what is supposed to be hers. If she has to take out a few people to get it then she will do it, because she has wanted this for so long that she is never giving it up.

Not for Nate or Chuck, and especially not Serena.

Six: Blair is the rightful queen and everyone should know.

By the time Serena flees, Carter has already graduated.

(Blair thinks it's a shame that he left before her coronation because maybe then he would have really seen her. Not that she really cares, though, because she has Nate)

He has already denied his future and his name. He has already traded in his trust fund for a plane ticket and travelled the world on his own terms.

Chuck doesn't aspire to be Carter anymore, but Nate still does.

Two out of three isn't so bad, but Blair is always up for the challenge.

And when Carter returns and disappoints each of her best friends every time, she relishes in her victory alone.

Serena returns when Blair's life is finally becoming normal again, and in her wake she leaves yet another trail of destruction behind.

Blair pretends it doesn't hurt that she is never number one, even when Serena is so full of mistakes. She pretends that Serena cannot have what used to be hers, when she knows that she could have it all with a single hair toss.

Serena is flawed and easy-going and everyone loves her. Blair is perfect and hard working and everyone fears her.

(Some things just don't make sense)

Serena took Nate away, but Blair took him back because he is hers. His heart may be elsewhere, but hers is on his sleeve.

Seven: She forgives Serena and Nate and her father and everyone else who has and will betray her because she needs at least someone to love her.

Blair Waldorf has always wanted to be someone and she has always wanted her life to be perfect. So she lies and manipulates and molds everything into the shape she wants it to be. And when the dream cracks and falters, she denies.

So what if her father left her for a male model? So what if her best friend ran away without saying goodbye? So what if her boyfriend doesn't really love her? Her life is and will be perfect.

Eight: She is Blair Waldorf and she will pretend until she gets her way.

Years pass by. Mistakes are made, memories are created, lies are told, secrets come forth.

The Non-Judging Breakfast Club grows up and ages, but never grows wiser.

Nine: Blair forgives the people who hurt her most – over and over – because despite her best efforts, she has always been weak when it came to the people she loves.

Blair stops loving Nate, she starts loving Chuck, and she is always jealous of Serena.

Blair spends almost sixteen years loving Nate Archibald, three years on a roller coaster of emotions with Chuck Bass, and a lifetime of living in Serena van der Woodsen's shadow.

By the end of it, she is tired and just wants to be by herself.

The last time she spent the summer in Paris she was with her best friend. It was the summer after her freshmen year of college and after her heartbreak with Chuck. That summer Blair just wanted to forget and move on.

Ten: Chuck Bass will never let her move on.

She and Chuck get back together months after she returns from Paris and he leaves his French fling. She forgives and tries to forget because, truthfully, she doesn't think she can live without Chuck Bass. And she knows he knows that, too.

She loves Chuck and she always will. She wants to be with him and make their relationship work more than she has wanted anything in her life.

But apparently that is not what he wants.

They break up eighteen times over the next two years.

Usually it is over some stupid, petty fight that barely lasts a day. Sometimes it is longer, lasting several days to more than a week. But in the end, they always returned to each other.

She forgives him for everything because she is more afraid of losing Chuck than she is of being unhappy.

But the last time is not so easily resolved.

She finishes her junior year at Columbia, top of her class, the perfect student. She has a doting boyfriend, who – despite everything that could prove otherwise – loves her. She has a best friend who is bright and pretty and flawed, but who loves her unconditionally. She has Nate Archibald, who may be her first love and ex-boyfriend, but he will always be there for her.

She is beautiful and wealthy and intelligent, and she has everything she is supposed to want.

But she is not happy.

She is not happy when she realizes all her ambition and drive is going to waste because she still doesn't know what she is going to do after university. She is not happy when Serena takes her shine away time after time. She is not happy when she purges after almost every meal.

And she is most definitely not happy when she finds the person she loves more than anything betraying her with his secretary.

Eleven: Blair Waldorf is not happy and she wonders if she ever will be.

Part two to come. There will plenty of Carter/Blair in the next few parts.

Please comment and review, if you like. Thank you for reading.