"shit why am i in space." Jesus wondered, slowly revolving in the black abyss of blackness and wondering what the fuck he was doing in such an absurd location. "where is earth."
he tried to recall the last thing he had been doing before being catapulted into this black void like a spacemonkey but conveniently couldn't remember.
"shit son im sorry" there was a booming voice.
"huh" said jesus
"I meant to beam you up to heaven but I think I catapulted you too far" said god
"no shit sherlock, i'm in the middle of fucking nothing"
"im sorry son ill figure this out somehow I promise"
"its not very often I get to use my beaming skills see, i prefer to sent most people hurtling to hell-"
"aren't you omnipotent, omniscient, omnibus and omnipresent? Cmon man just teleport me back to your place"
"sorry dude I only have powaz over earth"
There was silence as jesus considered his current predicament, floating in literal nothingness. He gradually floated leftwards (although there wasn't really a 'left', as he was rolling all over the fucking place) and bashed his head against a star.
"fuck that hurt," jesus patted his head and his hair burst into flames. "shit shit shit"
And then the laws of physics remembered that there was no oxygen in space and so the fire subdued to a low crackle.
"so am I stuck here?"
"im sorry bb ill figure something out bye for now my pizza is here"
"you fucking-" jesus began, his words being cut off as a gigantic spaceship collided with his face.
"shit what the fuck" a guy with pointy ears and a terrible bowlcut stuck his head out the window. "dude what the fack you doing in my way?" he frantically hit the windshield wipers button in an attempt to gently brush off the slightly 2D jesus. jesus was slammed and crushed by the gigantic, angry wipers. He fell off the bonnet.
"hey can I come in" he asked, brushing down his robes
"why?" asked the man with road rage and a bowlcut
Jesus was about to answer when he noticed that his floaty robe was now floating around his head. While the breezy robe had been beneficial in the holy crib, it apparently wasn't too good for spacewear. His flipflops were also merrily waving goodbye as they hurtled off at dangerous velocities in opposite directions and his beard was also defying gravity and slapping him in the face.
"im bored and this sucks." Jesus said bluntly.
"ok" said the man with the spandex blue suit and a bowlcut, rolling down the window further. "float on in."
Three hours later jesus had finally managed to navigate his way into the window, after floating off in the opposite direction approximately three hundred times, and almost entering orbit of two neighbouring planets multiple times. Eventually he found that the breaststroke was the most efficient method of moving. After these many close shaves with death, he was grateful to eventually get inside the obviously cardboard spaceship. The man with the terrible bowlcut wound the window shut and gravity returned to normal (by earth standards) and jesus banged his head against the floor, his robe finally obeying and returning to its proper, much more dignified position.
"son did I never tell you not to get into cars with strangers" a booming voice resounded
"shut up ok. Space ships donut count. Plus, you're an ass and got me stuck here in the firstplace so there was no way I was just gonna float around there all day" jesus tantrumed, folding his arms over his chest.
"when you get back here you are totally grounded"
"so what's your name?" asked rebellious jesus, lookingat the man with the bowlcut.
"spud. Like the potato. What about you?"
"jesus. im the son of god, you know" jesus puffed his chest out
"sure you are," spud snorted, combing his bowlcut back into proper order. "do you know how to drive this thing?"
"no. Isn't that your job?" jesus asked, baffled.
"I actually stole this. I usually hit random buttons and it works." He strolled over to the control panel and there was a dramatic camera panning of his face as he randomly hammered the controls. The spaceship lurched, kangarooed, and stalled.
"fuck" he kicked the control panel and it spluttered back into life. "fucking clutch I need an automatic" he steered away from the curb and narrowly avoided being sucked into a black hole as he angrily blasted through stars.
"where are we going?" asked jesus, petting his pet unicorn*.
"im going to reach the end of this blackness"
"basic logic is basic; everything has an end. Therefore space has an end. If you keep going in one direction then it must end. Everything started from something so there cant be nothing so there must be an end"
"are we there yet?" asked jesus, bored.
"no, fuck off."
* alllllwaaaaaayssss i wanna b with uuuuuu
make believe with uuuuuu
and live in harmony harmony