In Need of a Fix?
Summary: A collection of pure crack oneshots. Anything goes. Humor galore, but we are throwing away reality in this one, so proceed with caution.
A/N: As I've already mentioned, this fic will be nothing but pure crack oneshots. Anything goes. Any pairings may pop up. There will most likely be impossibilities, inconsistencies, dream-like situations, fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles...and yes I'm quoting The Princess Bride now. But seriously, anything goes. I can't promise to update this one often, because I am not often inspired to write crack. But the occasional updates will be here for those in need of a quick fix of insanity.
Chapter One: Shawn Crosses The Line
Summary: Lassiter's had enough. He's pressing charges against Shawn. Will Juliet and the Chief intervene on Shawn's behalf? And why is Gus taking Lassiter's side?
One minute, the world is in complete status quo. The Chief is in her office, looking over case reports. Juliet is at her desk, filling out paperwork. And Shawn is teasing Lassiter, as Gus makes additional quips by his side.
Lassiter scratches in some names on his own paperwork and absentmindedly grabs a chip from the personal-sized bag on his desk.
Shawn grabs the bag casually, reaches inside, and pops a handful of chips into his mouth.
And then the world is spun into chaos, because Carlton Lassiter has had enough. He stands angrily, whips out a pair of handcuffs. He grabs Shawn's arms and pulls them roughly behind his back.
The handcuffs click into place.
"Lassie, what the hell?" Shawn demands, and every eye snaps to the scene.
"Shawn Spencer, you have the right to remain silent..."
"You're arresting me? On what charges?"
"Petty theft! You stole my chips! And you're always stealing my things!"
Juliet scowls from her place at her desk. "Carlton, you can't be serious."
"I don't know, Juliet. He has a point." says Gus.
Shawn turns to him angrily. "Gus, dude, you're supposed to be on my side!" he accuses, sounding betrayed.
Gus crosses his arms in defiance. "You're always stealing my stuff, too. Maybe it's about time you've been arrested for it. How else will you learn?"
Juliet interjects. "You're arresting him for stealing a handful of chips. Does that even qualify as a misdemeanor?"
Lassiter pouts, and he suddenly looks like a little kid. "They were my chips...I'm perfectly in the right to have him charged..."
"Sorry, Partner. I'm pretty sure you've lost your mind."
The Chief appears from her office, taking in the sight of her Head Detective arresting her psychic with surprising calm. "Detective, what's going on here?"
"Spencer stole my personal property, and I'm sick of it. I'm arresting him for it."
"Detective, I can't let you do this. This department needs him, and I can't let you arrest him for stealing from you...what was it this time, anyway? A pen?"
"My Sun Chips."
"It was just a few!" scowls Shawn.
"Ah, I see." Chief Vick ponders it for a moment, then comes up with a solution. "How about you un-handcuff him, take him away from department property, and punch him in the face."
"Yeah! Wait, what?" asks Shawn, horrified.
"And then maybe," the Chief continues, "he'll punch you back, and you can press charges for assault. I'm not letting you arrest him for anything less than assault."
"Chief, that's ridiculous." argues Lassiter. "If I punched him in the face, I can assure you, he wouldn't get back up."
"Would so!" snaps Shawn. "I could totally take you, Lassie-face!"
"I don't care what the two of you do after this. Just release him, okay?"
"Yes, Chief..." says Lassiter sadly, and he un-cuffs Shawn grudgingly.
Shawn rubs his wrists and growls insults at Lassiter, who rolls his eyes.
When the Chief went back to her office, they were still arguing about who would win in a boxing match, with Gus and Detective O'Hara taking bets around the department.
Back in her office, Chief Karen Vick sighs to herself. It was just another one of the more bizarre days around the Santa Barbara Police Department...
A/N: I warned you, and this is only the beginning.