Right Kind of Wrong
She was an idiot. She hadn't forgotten why they had broken up in the first place: they were both in love with someone else. He was never going to be Finn and she was never going to be the mother of his daughter (good god she sure as hell never be the mother of another of his children, Quinn had already devastated Lima's statistics for teenage pregnancy.) She spent a lot of time reminding herself why they weren't going to work out, why they hadn't worked out before.
She even had a speech prepared (come on she was Rachel Berry, she had a speech prepared for everything). Sometimes she even thought of walking him out to the bleachers, maybe that would get him in the right mood, jog his memory about their first break up. She'd even lead him out to the bleachers to start the conversation off, she'd kept her hands to herself (more importantly she kept her lips to herself) but somehow she'd still managed to find herself scrambling to put her clothes back in order before Glee practice.
Afterwards (she supposed most of her peers would call it after hooking up with Noah Puckerman but she liked to just refer to it as afterwards in her mind). Afterwards she had a hard time focusing on the reasons why she shouldn't be with Noah. Afterwards she could only really focus on the way he kissed her forehead right after or the way her heart raced when their eyes met during Glee practice. Afterwards it was hard to be the sound, logical thinker that she usually was.
When she was at home though, when he didn't have whatever spell it was that he held over her, she added that to the list of reasons why she couldn't be with him. Right after Reason# 1: I love Finn Reason #2: He loves Quinn (also has a daughter with her) came Reason #3: He's a distraction and turns your brains into mush. (Yes mush was on her list of reasons why she shouldn't be with him because it was his own damn fault that he turned her brain to mush and she couldn't think of a better word for the word mush). Hell, make that number 4, she was after all, quite proud of her extensive vocabulary.
It doesn't help that in the days following one of their times of being intimate he was always beyond sweet to her. He cut into Kurt for being rude. Defended her to Mr. Schue for trying to make a lesson out of her. Watched the way she moved while they learned choreography (she could feel his eyes locked on her with every move). For a couple of days the list would lay in her bottom drawer covered with old playbills, for a couple of days she allowed herself to toy with the thought that maybe she didn't love Finn as much as she thought she did. Maybe he wasn't still hung up on Quinn.
Inevitably something would bring her back to logical thought. This time it's a text from Finn as she put finishing touches on her hair, she was in a rush because Noah had driven her home from work and she was on one of her afterward highs. She's going through the motions of finishing her hair and make-up until her cellphone chimes a text alert from Finn: Askd Q if she n Puck wanted 2 come 2 that cool? It wasn't in anyway cool and she wonders if Puck is at home getting a similar text message. She wonders if his stomach is knotted with guilt too.
She's dating Finn and sleeping with Puck. Finn's a great guy and she and Quinn had found some sort of peaceful understand about their places in each others lives. Neither of them deserve what's being done behind their backs. Finn doesn't deserve it a second time and Quinn, well even though she'd been in Rachel's shoes before she doesn't deserve it either. So she begs off the potentially disastrous double date claiming that something had come up with her fathers and she stays home, locked in her room determined to keep this level headed mentality until Monday.
She needed to end things with Puck for good.
By the time Monday morning rolls around she's determined to do what needs to be done. She was Rachel Berry, she had come up with a plan of attack this time without any sort of a speech and she was determined to make it happen. Of course this particular plan demanded her to be sneaky and at school at an ungodly hour, long before even the teachers, but the lack of distraction help. In an hour, or whenever Puck actually rolled out of bed and showed up at school, he would find a note slipped in his locker and she couldn't have made it any clearer. It was over and he was going to have to accept that.
She doesn't see him all day but she doesn't know if she should attribute that to his avoiding her or the fat that she had spent all day dodging Finn, Quinn, Puck and the rest of the Glee club. It's long after the bell when she actually makes her way to her locker, after checking that the hallway is empty. She's just letting out a breath of relief when a familiar looking envelope falls at her feet.
She recognizes her own delicate script crossed out by a heavier hand with her name written next to Noah's. When she lifts the flap she finds nothing inside but the pink sheet of paper that she'd left inside it with her list written across it:
I love Finn
He loves Quinn
He's a distraction
Negative effect on vocabulary
There's nothing else. No response tacked on at the end, if the seal hadn't been broken she would have questioned if he had even read it.
"I'm not in love with Quinn." His voice comes right behind her ear, she'd been too lost in puzzling over the note that she hadn't heard him approach. He places his hands on her hips to turn her to face him and she can't help the way her body reacts to him, her pulse racing and her breath catching in lungs. "And she's not in love with me, after Beth we were trying to hold onto something that just was never really there. She knows it and I know it, if you hadn't been hiding today you would have heard from everyone that we broke up over the weekend."
She opens her mouth to speak but he places a finger against her lip to silence her, "you said your bit and now I'm taking my turn. Have you ever thought about the fact that maybe you need a distraction," he tucks a piece of hair behind her ear and she can feel her whole face flush. "That you need someone to balance your own special brand of crazy out. Someone to translate for you, to balance you out I think you'd all it a juxtaposition – you see, I do listen when you talk."
She finds her weekend worth of resolve dissolving when the pad of her thumb brushes across her cheek and she's finding it hard to remember what her reasons for ending things had been. She tries to remember the list as she tries even harder to stop thinking about how his lips feel on her collar bone or the fact that her house will be empty until at least nine. The list. "Finn," she's remembered and she expects the name to make Noah back off but he does the exact opposite of what she expects when he rests his forehead against hers.
When he speaks his voice his deep and sultry and sends shivers down her spine, "if you were in love with Finn, he wouldn't have been your last thought and the the other things wouldn't even matter."
The realization clears her thoughts enough to fully process what he was saying. She had thought that the last couple of months had been pure chemistry, because there was now doubt they all that in spades (as Noah said they were two hot Jews). She'd thought that it was hot and fun because sneaking around was wrong and exciting. She hadn't really stopped to think that it was Noah's text messages she hoped for when her phone went off or the fact that it was Noah who interrupted her thoughts when she was with Finn and not the other way around.
Her eyes lock onto Noah's and she can see the creases at the corner of his eyes as he smirks, "now the girl gets it."
She did. She got it. Maybe it wasn't totally fair to Finn or even Quinn for that matter. She's pretty sure that it was Woody Allen who said that the heart wants what the heart wants. It was going to get messy, she knew that but sometimes you had to jump in and toss any plans out the window. Sometimes you had to let that boy who distracted you and turned your brain into mush in and accept that sometimes life was just messy but in the end it was worth it.