The Adopted Son
An Awkwardmerlin production.
WARNING; This is very OOC, and there are some jokes, or comments if you'd rather, that might insult people. Just a small disclaimer, I don't want to insult anyone.
That's right, I'm Lee Chaolan, the adopted son of the Mishima family. I know what you're think, and yes I am that attractive in real life. No joke, although having a great makeup staff and hair team is crucial. The mere images of the fights on television do not do me justice.
Oh, this isn't about how devilishly handsome I am. My bad, as they say. What this is about it how being the adopted son of the Mishima clan, for a lack of a better term, sucks! Why you ask, I shall tell you. For generations the Mishima have been fighters, Jinpachi, Heihachi, Kazuya, all fighters. Oh, and also all extremely demented! And yes I'm a fighter, but I wasn't bred for fighting. My original mother and father were, as bizarre as this may seem, comedians.
Yes, yes, it's true! Jokes flow through my veins, funny situations and props make me giggle. I was born to tell ridiculously long tales that everyone laughs at! I am a comedian at heart, sure the punches and kicks have built my empire, but they don't make me happy. I wallow in self pity as I write this.
You see not everyone is born with excellent comedic timing. And if you are, you shouldn't waste it! My timing is impeccable, if I do say so myself. When Panda pressed the trap door I was there with a thumbs up, sending Kuma to his doom, I was the one who told her to install that thing, just so you know. And I was there with yet another thumbs up when that pig tailed girl did the same to Panda!
Oh yes but that's not all. Imagine a Mishima family dinner, the whole family. Well that's about five people at the most. Me, Kazuya, Jin, Jinpachi, Heihachi. There was someone else there but I don't quite remember who, oh well must not have been important. Some blond kid, I think.
Anyway the whole Mishima gang. Heihachi demanded that we enjoy ourselves as a family, because after the explosion he grew a heart I assume. And me being a shameless narcissist can't skip over the opportunity to be in a classy suit. So of course I accepted right away. Now the other reason I accepted was that Mishima family get togethers are hilarious.
It may not be the official comedy tour that I've dreamed of, but it's a start. Plus, I love fooling with my family, and I use the word family lightly, if you can. Anyway, Mishima family nights equal hilarious.
I know, you don't believe me, but keep reading. I arrived early and eventually everyone was waiting on Kazuya. So when finally Kazuya gets there, the last to be late, he always has to make an entrance, we sat down straight away to dinner. It starts off quiet. Dead silent, so silent that a speck of dust could be heard screaming as it fell to the floor in misery, and their only hope was an elephant who was incompetent. Wait wrong tale, some other time I suppose. Any how, the dinner starts off silent. And then Heihachi speaks his voice sounds like cleats on gravel.
"I'm very disappointed in both of my sons," he growls, slamming his fork into a nice slice of ham. Kazuya doesn't flinch, but I do. He laughs at my flinch and I let it slide, there shall be jokes about him at the comedy club. Heihachi continues, despite us. "Why you two could ever think and explosion could kill me is ridiculous." Jinpachi practically shouts an eh what was that? And then a speak up, while no one was talking. Kazuya indulges his father in a fight, I wait for the moment, eventually there shall be a perfect spot for a joke.
"I thought you were dead because you're weak, old man." Kazuya says calmly. He always seems calm, until he's angry. But even then it's an angry sort of calm. He puts his elbows deliberately on the table, and laces his finger together in a godfather like way. Heihachi glares. I sip my wine, delighted at the cattiness of my adopted family. Jin has yet to do anything but stare bullets into his plate. And Jinpachi still cannot hear anything, the old monster has had hearing problems ever since he turned into dust. Now he just kinds of sits solitary on a chair, a big pile of ash, or dust, and screams in pain whenever someone turns a fan on.
Jinpachi isn't found of blowing around everywhere, he's not one for flight. Heihachi is very angry now. He's so angry he laughs. Twice. It was never a good thing when he laughed. I sipped at my wine nonchalantly again, a smiling forming it's way across my lips. I seated directly to the right of Kazuya, who is at the end of one side of the long rectangular table. Heihachi is at the other end of the table, Jin is next to him, someone else is across from Jin a white kid, and then in the middle, across from no one is good ol' gran'-pappy Jinpachi. Kazuya sees me smiling, he ignored it for the moment.
"I'm weak? I'm weak?" Heihachi sounds furious, and now I'm excited. It's only been eleven minutes into eating and there was already about to be some comedy. "You need to respect your elders!" Heihachi shrieks. I'm giddy now, just giddy. Jin has looked up from his plate, unconcerned for sure, but now he's at least paying attention.
"What I need is to get away from you." Kazuya says.
"Oh, trouble in paradise, a nasty falling out." I whisper to myself, refilling my own wine glass. Don't worry folks it's white wine.
"You need to man up!" Heihachi slams his fist on the table, all of the plates and silverware have gone flying into the air, luckily I managed to save my wine glass and the wine, holding both items in my hands, they didn't have the same fate as their companions.
"This is nice," I giggled. Trying to remain the slightest bit serious. "I truly do like these family dinners, we need to do this more often, wouldn't you say Jinpachi?" I called down to him.
Kazuya glared at me. "Shut up." I smirked. Heihachi and Kazuya began fighting again, so I checked the date on the wine.
"Ah, 1758 nice bottle, wasn't that when you were born Jinpachi?" I yelled obnoxiously over the two bickering. Kazuya says shut up again. "What? Trying to enjoy myself here!" I gasped, mocking a shocked voice.
He tossed the napkin ring at me, napkin and silverware in all. I don't know how he managed to obtain it, my set was on the floor. "Oh thanks," I say casually. "My set was on the floor, because someone needs anger management courses! Did you skip this week's class?" I asked in a sing song voice, directed towards Heihachi.
I saw Kazuya smirk out of the corner of my eyes. And Heihachi glares at me. "Shut up." He says.
"Oh original with the comebacks. Has anyone noticed I lost weight? I did, I'm on this new diet called anorexia. It's fun. I'm glad my plate was knocked to the floor I might've been tempted to eat." Heihachi glares at me again. I patted my stomach, smiling at him.
Kazuya is glaring at me too, Jin just look utterly confused. It was a tough crowd. Of course these weren't my normal jokes, they were much more funny than these rag tag one liners. I sat in my chair waiting. Eventually the moment would come for my comedic genius, but that was not now. Jinpachi, the dust bunny, was asleep. I could hear him snoring over the fighting. I began to think wildly for more jokes, but I seemed to have frozen, that was until Jin spoke up. "You guys need to be more gentle," I stopped listening there and thought that's what she said. I know but a cheap laugh is better than no laugh.
"Gentle? That's for pussies." Kazuya snapped.
"And we all know how you don't like that." I said, rolling my eyes and drinking some more wine. I hear Heihachi laughing at that one.
"Shut. Up. Lee." Kazuya hissed at me.
I nodded. "Oh right you're sensitive about that." I whispered, loud for a whisper so I could be heard, but nonetheless a whisper.
Heihachi decided to speak now. "In another life you would have made an excellent comedian." It wasn't a complement, it was to make Kazuya angry.
"Oh thanks," I said lightly. "And you a fighter." Kazuya laughed obnoxiously at that one. "Or father, maybe both even." I muttered. Heihachi was furious. Jin was frowning at me. I raised my chin up at him when we locked eyes, you know in one of those gangster salutes. He raised his eyebrows, in a condescending way. "Jin looks like you, Kazuya." I noted calmly. "You're hair, eyes, and unfortunately he has your face. Poor kid." Both Jin and Kazuya were angry now.
"I picked a good son to adopt," muttered Heihachi darkly. I ignored it for the moment. Kazuya turned his attention back to Heihachi. I took a sip of my wine instead, it's a good thing I don't get drunk easily, and that the alcohol concentration in this wine seemed pretty low. This was my third glass. Or maybe even fourth, I stopped counting.
"Well," I said pouring my fourth glass, or was it fifth? "Your actual son isn't quite the catch most people want for children." I said, then making a hissing sound at the end of the sentence. "This really is good wine." I said nonchalantly. "But you know what!" I said brightly, changing the topic and earning weird stares from the rest of the table. "At least we aren't like that Nina and Anna Williams! At least we can do this kind of thing!" I smiled sweetly at them. "But unfortunately some of us, Kazuya, are too much like them."
That peeked his interest. "How so?" I nodded thoughtfully.
"You need to get your ovaries removed. So you won't be so moody." He spit his water all over the fine tablecloth.
His face was priceless, I began laughing instantly, hardly containing myself, the look on Kazuya's face was just priceless. I could see Heihachi and Jin trying their hardest not to laugh. But what can I say, I'm a funny guy. I tucked the wine bottle firmly under my arm.
"Well as fun as this is I must retire. I can only find myself in the company of a bunch of women for so long," I said lightly. It took them a minute to get that I had insulted them. "See you!" I waved as I grabbed my jacket from the back of my chair. They were fuming as I strode across the room. Like I said, a tough crowd.
I turned before I made it completely out of the room. "Oh, and happy Easter everyone." I barely managed to dodge the plate flung at my head. "Tut tut!" I chastised, shaking my index finger pointedly. But before I could say much more someone's wine glass landed squarely in my face. "Touché." I muttered and left the house.
It was no grand performance, but I'm sure I've left an impression. Maybe one year Lee Chaolan will get his time on stage, one day.
AN: So this isn't really that funny I thought, but in my mind I'm the funniest person ever, so might as well. I mean why let it waste space on my laptop forever? Hope you enjoyed it!