Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Transformers – their respective owners do. I just own this little story, as wacky as it is. I also don't own the excerpt of the song – it's Wake me Up Before You Go-Go, by Wham!. It's one of my favourites, and if you want to listen to it, go to the Youtube.

Shout Out: Uh-huh. You guys and gals are definitely great inspiration to me, and so this plotdragon had jumped out of my brains to the computer to write itself out. The story is going on, and I am asking you to send the prompts for the next chapter. The only limit I have is they have to be one word and my plotdragons reserve the right on which ones to take up. As for right now, I will get to writing Among The Hawks And Doves and finishing up some of my other crossovers for the Scrapbook Jewels, so this story may not be updated as soon as it had been until now. All my appreciation to my faithful beta, Moon Howling Banshee. She is a record setter in checking over my works, so thank you, girl. You rock.

Thank you, the readers, for your encouragement and I hope you enjoy the next installment.

Warnings: AU-verse and veering off of the canon course. The pairings are as usual - Harry/Megatron, Harry/Barricade, Harry/Starscream. Still want to read it? Then enjoy!

1) Sauna

They shuffled uncomfortably as they looked around. Megatron once again checked if his towel was firmly wrapped around his hips, with no chance of sliding down. Barricade shuffled in place, the corner of his left eye twitching.

"Are you sure this is the correct dressing code?" Starscream prompted their green-eyes guide once again. Harry put his shoes into the locker and closed it before he grabbed the bag and straightened out, green eyes confused.

"Yes, I'm sure. I've been there many times already." He began to lead them to the sauna part of the complex.

"But…"Megatron swallowed. "No chassis?" The mighty Leader of the Decepticons felt an urge to twiddle his thumbs like an embarrassed teenage girl.

At first, it was all good and dandy, but then Barricade 'accidentally' looked into one of the sauna rooms and his eyes bugged out.

"They're naked!" he fairly squeaked out, hiding himself behind Harry as if that would help him any.

Harry sighed. "Yes, they're naked." He agreed, swallowing down a long-suffering sigh.

Out of morbid curiosity, both Starscream and Megatron dared to glance in the same room, and their CPU's almost crashed.

"But…they're naked." Barricade repeated, his dark eyes wide and for all of his age, he looked like a boy who was caught with his hand in a jar of sweets.

"Of course they're naked." Harry deadpanned. "Clothes serve the purpose of keeping our body temperature stable, but the sauna rooms' temperature is more than high enough for us to not need any clothes."

Starscream emitted a broken choke/gurgle as he saw one woman exit the sauna room and head to the showers, naked as a jaybird. Seekers were fairly sensuous and had pride in their bodies, but this woman was not young anymore and she still waddled around confidently, as if she were a supermodel!

"Oh, Unicron…" He whined helplessly. His optics burned! Burned, I tell you! "Tell me there is a law forbidding squishy…squishies' entrance to the Sauna. My circuits are already fried as it is."

Harry looked at the lady who was now adjusting the temperature of the shower and shrugged. "Sorry, Star. It's free for all, besides you did insist on coming with me on this one." He replied mildly, inwardly feeling sorry for the traumatized Seeker.

Meanwhile, Megatron was doing something he never thought he would've done in this cycle, or ever.

He was praying for Primus to absolve him of whatever sins he had committed in this life, because, surely, this was too cruel of a punishment for him to bear.

Harry jolted him out of his musings with a pat on his shoulder. "C'mon, let's get find us some recliners, and then we will go to the Sauna room."

Megatron whimpered.

2) Enough

It was enough. The red haired female squishy was a nuisance before, but right now, with her blatantly offering herself for mating to THEIR squishy –

They twitched. In unison, no less.

Starscream snarled out a sound that would – to any sane 'bot –be a signal to back off or suffer the consequences, Megatron ground his teeth and Barricade had to restrain himself to not to get out tonfas and well…bite the annoying herbivore to death.

Reading Katekyo Hitman Reborn had that kind of an effect on him.

3) Magic

"You feel different." Megatron cocked his head, dark red optics narrowed and dimmed in thought.

Harry shrugged. "Yeah, well. Perks of being a wizard."

Inwardly, he wondered if the Statute covered sentient robots as humans and thus enacting the Statute of Secrecy.

At least the one he had here was thinking and being… a being. And with the axiom of 'I think, therefore I am…'

Harry scratched his scalp, annoyed.

Descartes, you son of a bitch.

4) Jitterbug

"I - I have Jitterbugs!" Starscream barged into Harry's room, red eyes wide with panic.

Harry looked up at him from the pile of clothes in front of him.

"What the hell?" he managed to get out. Jitterbugs, of all things? Was Starscream actually serious?

Starscream nodded, before he flopped on the pile of clothes.

"Oi! You just sat on my clubbing clothes, you berk!" Harry growled at him, incensed. Starscream sniffled. "These?" He waved Harry's outrage away. "Never mind them. I have Jitterbugs!"

Harry blinked. "Did you talk to Luna again?" He asked flatly. It wasn't an unreasonable assumption, because somehow, both Starscream and Luna became good friends, with Starscream being fascinated with the strange creatures the Lovegood, now Scamander, Luna had told him about.

"No!" Starscream's eyed him, wounded. " I just have…."

"Jitterbugs, I know." Harry finished for him, sighing with exasperation. "Is your system glitching again?" he asked, just to be on safe side.

Starscream groaned, flopping on the top of Harry's would-be clothes for partying, making the wizard growl with irritation.

"Wake me up, before you go-go,

Don't leave me hanging like a yo-yo

Wake me up, before you go-go

I don't wanna miss you hit that high…"

Harry stilled as he heard the song, before the corners of his mouth twitched into an amused smile at Starscream's mortified face as his feet began to twitch in the rhythm with the catchy tune. "Oh.That kind of jitterbugs." He muttered.

Barricade smirked. He just knew that Starscream's obsession with that particular song would come in handy someday.

Embarrassment, however, was just a bonus.

5) Hurricane

"I'm home." Harry called out tiredly, before he entered the house.

And stopped. His usually immaculate house looked as though someone had let a hurricane through it.

He had just tidied it up two days ago, and now this!

Harry twitched.

"Starscream, Megatron! Get your hurricane-farting afts up here right NOW!"

The two guilty 'cons flinched at the enraged roar of their squishy.

"You think he's mad?" Starscream meekly asked Megatron, poking his pointer fingers together.

Megatron gulped, burgundy colored eyes wide. "I don't think, I know."

In unison, they gulped before hesitantly getting out of their hidey hole to meet their doom.

6) Blanket

Harry loved his blankets because they were soft, warm and cuddly. Lately, however, his favorite blanket – one in mint green with little Snidgets printed on it – vanished to God knew where, and he was forced to substitute with at least one of the 'cons.

They weren't adverse to that, of course, he just had to schedule when and who would he cuddle with.

The blanket came back three months later, but by then, Harry was already used to his substitutes and thus, the blanket was rarely used, except when he was watching TV.

When he wasn't, Barricade kept in on his driver's seat. Megatron got the violet and silver one, and Starscream was saddled with the yellow and red one, much to his disgruntlement.

However, the only other choice was the pink one, and nobody wanted to be saddled with that.

7) Cleaning

Starscream actually purred with bliss as his little squishy cleaned him – firm, but gentle strokes swept over his chassis smoothly, and the lather was rich, running down his form in white rivulets of bubbles, tickling a little. His vents hitched a little when the squishy crawled onto his chest, and his Spark warmed with the proximity of this fragile being that had somehow managed to become his entire universe.

Harry was as wet as a drowned rat, his black hair glinting darkly with the excessive water, and really, the entire affair was just so unreal. He could've used the Scourgify charm to clean the Seeker, but somehow, it felt wrong to do so. Besides, it was a rare chance to get Starscream into his biped mode – not that it was anything wrong with either of his forms – be his alt mode or his holoform one, but this was Starscream as himself. He should've been scared, what with him being a metal behemoth that could easily crush him with no more effort Harry himself could crush a bug, yet he only purred under him with contentment, the only sound on the otherwise abandoned front yard.

"You alright, Star?" he asked the Seeker, who twitched a little, optics brightening momentarily.

"Of course." Starscream rumbled out lazily.

And so the afternoon was slipping away in the haze of the summer sun, water, purring and silent companionship.

This…was happiness.

8) Hunt

She licked her lips, like a cat lusting for some very fat, juicy mice. Only, in her case, she didn't hunt after mice, oh no, but after three hunky, gorgeous and did she mention hunky? – males.

Megatron. The man was older, and had silver hair with those unique crimson eyes, but wow, was he built… And with him being in uniform –she suspected he belonged to one of the foreign armies, although nobody knew which one – he exuded an air of command and self-assurance that made her hot and wishing she could get him to 'punish' her with his whip.

Barricade. While Megatron was silver and light, Barricade was black and dark –black, messy hair, lightly tanned skin from being under the sun and some two inches smaller than his commanding officer and his body, as far as she could conclude, was flawless. Those uniforms were Merlin's gift to women, she just knew it – and from the lustful glances of the other women, they thought the same.

Starscream was slender – not bulked up as the two men, but he still exuded a presence – playful and polite, but still somewhat razor-edge, making Fleur's blood heat when she imagined just what this… razor edged difference could be that marked him as so very different from his compatriots. His wild hair was dark auburn and his eyes had an exotic tilt while his face was slender and his chin a little pointed. He reminded her of a vulture – a dangerous, exotic vulture that was at home in the air, just like her foremothers were. If she hadn't known better, she would have thought him a male Veela, but there were no such things, even if he did pull the eyes of all eligible and ineligible females of a breeding age to himself.

She looked at Bill. Truly, Bill was one of the rare males that were able to block the Veela allure, and he was good bloke and all, but he just couldn't compare to the three hunks who were talking about something in a strange language.

If only she had waited a little longer to tie the knot with Bill… she sighed.

Well, no one said she couldn't afford some dessert at the side, did they?

She licked her lips again as she headed to the small group, ready for the next confrontation and totally disregarding the drooling mess of the males she was leaving in her wake.

The three 'cons felt a shiver of foreboding skitter up their spines.

They looked at each other.

"Drool Bitch alert?" Starscream asked dryly.

Megatron nodded, sighing. "You got it. What wouldn't I give to foist her onto Prime…" he grumbled.

Barricade choked down a laugh.

Drool Bitch hunting down Optimus Prime…

"Who says we can't do it?" he asked mildly, making both Megatron and Starscream perk up in interest.

9) Accidental

Their meeting, aswith many other things, was quite accidental.



Both men – er, young men looked at each other.

"Your car speaks?" They asked each other in unison, brown and green eyes lit with confusion and suspicion.

And then the yellow Camaro -

Brown eyes widened, and the teen shouted – "Bee, NO!"

-Transformed into the 'bot.

Harry face palmed, groaning.

It would have been better if the trouble trailing behind him was just a puppy. Instead, he was stuck with trouble in the shape of an alien robot–

He heard the well-known buzzing of Megatron's motors in the air, and he groaned.

Correction, two alien robots.

Absentmindedly, he cuffed the hyperventilating Sam on the head.

"Pipe down, will ya?"

He asked the teen with a long-suffering voice, making Sam gape at him.

No, his life would never be normal. In fact, his life somehow decided to be as abnormal as possible.

"Suck it up, grin and don't think about it." He advised his… fellow protégé mildly, before turning back to the Barricade-Bumblebee scene and whistling an ear-piercing tone.

10) Specimens

Hermione stared at the trio like they were live specimens of bacteria in a petri dish. Something was… wrong with them. Very wrong.

They were living with Harry, as far as she knew – she had the dubious honor of happening upon a half – naked Megatron puttering away in the kitchen for breakfast when she Flooed because she had forgotten her reports the last night she had been here.

And oh, my… was that a sight.

Hermione blushed at the memory. No wonder Fleur was chasing after him with such determination, even if she was already married.

The man was perfect. A tall, perfect body - his face a little aged, his crimson eyes cruel and his lips thinned cruelly, but his face was regal and intelligent-looking. And he was intelligent too, even if he did have a temper when it came to his two subordinates. But he knew so much… Hermione swallowed. It was like he was a live encyclopedia - once, she had asked him some of her most difficult questions, yet he answered them with surprising ease.

That brat, Starscream, was the same. A genius in his own right when it came to Arithmancy or Mathematics in particular, and Barry Cade, the berk, was a musician in his own right.

Yet nobody knew about them. Geniuses weren't able of staying undercover or normal for any length of time – their abilities shone through sooner rather than later.

But nobody knew about them.

"Alright, 'fess up." She demanded. "Just what are you guys and what are you doing here?"

The three mechs looked at each other.


11) Awkward

"What is the function of a screw driver?" Barricade replied, incredulous. "Are you kidding me?"

Mr. Weasley scratched the back of his neck. "Uh, no?" He asked, blue eyes honestly curious. "Muggles have them, and–"

Barricade wanted to groan. A screw driver, really? "It is a tool to turn the screws." He explained shortly.

Mr. Weasley nodded. "Oh! The Muggles are simply amazing!" he gushed.

Barricade pinched his nose.

'Where is Ratchet when you need him?'


"Ah-Choo!" Ratchet sneezed, startling the twins and making the pranking tools clatter on the floor.

Sideswipe and Sunstreaker gulped as the old mech turned in their direction.

"Oh, slag." Sideswipe whimpered.

Sunstreaker yelped as he was hit on the head with the wrench.

"'Oh slag' is right." Ratchet agreed calmly, before grabbing both of them and manhandling them into the healing bay for long overdue medical check.

12) Diet

Harry eyes his beloved owl with disbelief. Usually slender, Hedwig now resembled a flying turkey with an owl's head more than an actual owl.

Hedwig shuffled uncomfortably under the green gaze of her master, before hooting imperiously.

"That's it." Harry decided, still staring at her. "From now on, you are on a diet. No more bacon for you, do you hear me?"

Hedwig clicked angrily, but after a small stare down, she hooted a defeat.

Harry turned to his three 'cons. "And you guys! Don't let her bully you into giving her even a scrap of bacon from now on." He ordered, making Megatron sigh with relief, while Barricade slumped into couch and Starscream gulped.

"But what should we do with all the bacon we bought then?" Starscream asked, making Harry's eyes widen.

"Just how much bacon did you guys buy, anyway?"

There was a honk outside, and Starscream flinched at the sound.

Woodenly, Harry turned around and looked through the window, his eyes bugging out with sheer disbelief at the scene.

"A whole truck?" Barricade asked meekly.

13) Scam

"And just who do you take me for?" Megatron silkily asked the cowering wizard in front of him. The Goblins behind him grinned with delight.

It was a thing of beauty to see Megatron terrify the would-be scammer into overwhelming fear.

Silver eyebrows scrunched and dark red eyes narrowed. "You will return all the investments you gained from your … business with the House of Potter, with sixty percent added on."

The man whimpered. "But Sir! I don't have that much money, I have to take care of my kids–" He tried to plead, his chin wobbling with distress.

Megatron slowly stood up. And then –


The table held for a moment, and then cracked in half.

The scammer paled.

"You don't have kids. You have a quite fat account for your so-called 'rainy days', Mister Milson. Well, the 'rainy days' are here, so fork it over." He said silkily. "Unless you want to return with an eighty percent return of investment rate?"

The businessman shook his head, trembling.

Needless to say, the Goblins loved Megatron.

14) Mate

"Oi, mate, long time no see." Ron cheerfully greeted his famous friend, oblivious to the murderous stares of thee cons that had already planned how to torture, kill and bury him.

Harry was theirs, damn it!

And no slagging redhead would take him from them!

Ron shuddered as he got a bad premonition of his future.

He usually didn't believe a shred of Trelawney's teachings, but in this case….

Violence was in the air.

15) Circus

Before he allowed them to accompany him, Harry got them to agree to a whole new slew of rules.

No killing the squishies.

No threatening anyone with torture or death.

No pointing out obvious things.

No lording over everyone just how inferior they are in comparison to the Decepticons.

No taking pets home.

No getting food for free.

No selling off Pigwidgeon. Even if it would keep them from killing the little feathery annoyance of an owl.

No complaining about the music.

Stick close to Harry at any times.

No sweets. Absolutely none. Zip. Zero. Null.

After they came out of the circus, Harry didn't know whether to laugh, cry or just plain murder them.

They refrained from killing the squishies, but Barricade somehow managed to threaten the clowns into soiling themselves. Even if he did so to get out of their jokes, but still!

No pointing obvious things. Starscream just had to nitpick the acrobats and their techniques, didn't he? It didn't help that he was somehow mistaken for a famous critic, either.

The lording over part went equally badly. But in Megatron's defense, he did try to keep it at a minimum. He was merely mistaken for a snobbish noble that way, instead of the Lord of the Decepticons. So, an improvement there.

No taking pets home. Cue Starscream's puppy eyes at the two albino tiger cubs. "Can I keep them?"

No getting food for free. It seemed that they were just too gorgeous not to dote on so they were constantly offered food –popcorn, coke, sandwiches – some old lady even got as far as to squeeze a lollipop of all things in Starscream's hand.

No selling off Pigwidgeon. At first Harry didn't want to believe they didn't do it, but apparently Pig became enamored with one of the condors housed there and well…

No complaining about the music. Barricade hunted down the flutist and practically tore the poor guy apart verbally, making him bawl and rock around, curled in a small ball of misery.

Stick close to Harry at all times apparently translated into 'accompany Harry to the toilet every time he has to go'. Harry could have dealt with this, but being accompanied by two 'cons every single time he had to take a leak was a bit too much for in his humble opinion.

And who knew Barricade could get a sugar high of epic proportions from just one stick of cotton candy? Megatron, on the other side, could consume three… and become tipsy.

At least this time they weren't banned from ever returning.

Thank God and Primus for small mercies.

16) Jealous

Ronald Bilius Weasley was jealous. And for once, he wasn't jealous of his 'mate', one Harry James Potter – oh no, the cause of his jealousy was one Megatron…what was his surname already? Didn't matter.

The thing was, Megatron had thoroughly trounced him in chess – he didn't know how, because as Megatron had confessed, he had never, ever before in his life played chess – which had to be impossible, because nobody could be so good in chess without having at least some practice against some opponents, but it seemed that this red-eyed man was an exception.

Ron had made his name in the Wizarding and Muggle worlds as a chessmaster, and to meet, out of the blue, one single man that literally snatched the ground under his feet away –

Ron gritted his teeth. Why was it that when he was good at something that this bastard had to show up and shatter his hard-earned work into dust?

His brain was still going over the strategies this… man employed against his tactics and even if he wasn't willing to admit, the man was brilliance incarnated.

Ron himself had used some of his moves against some of his ordinary opponents, and they were a smashing success – however, it irked Ron something terrible.

If Megatron was to walk in any chess tournament, he would have stolen Ron's thunder before Ron had known it.

What irked Ron even more was the man's apparent nonchalance over the entire episode. He had the feeling Megatron was toying with him somehow – sometimes he lasted ten moves and sometimes Megatron gutted him at the very beginning.

Nothing made sense. Ron grabbed his hair and tugged at it, disregarding the pain in his scalp.

Argh! The man was just plain infuriating!

Not that it stopped Ron from playing with him, anyway.

17) Spooked

"We found them." Sam's voice echoed through the speaker, trembling with shock.

"Found who?" Ironhide asked before Optimus had the chance to ask the same question, making the Prime glare at him with exasperation.

"Uh… Barricade and–" The boy swallowed nervously. "Megatron."


There were definitely some processors frying right now.

"W – What? Megatron? Are you sure, boy?" Ratchet spluttered out, his optics wide with shock.

"Y-Yes." Sam's voice became gradually steadier.

"Are you in danger, boy?" Optimus finally asked, half-ready to call a roll out.

"Depends on what you term as all right," Sam's voice was flat right now.

"Does a dinner with Megatron, Starscream and Barricade, along with their… owner count as me being alright?"

This time, the CPU's of listeners definitely crashed.

Lennox exchanged a look with Mikaela.

"Either Sam's as high as a kite or Megatron has finally lost all his marbles." He commented, with Mikaela nodding mutely, her eyes wide.

"I heard that, squishy!" Megatron's voice barked through the speaker, causing them to jump up with fright.

"Jesus Christ! Give a man a heart attack, would ya!" Lennox spat out before he could catch his brain.

"Would love to, squishy, however I have guests to terrorize –excuse me, to entertain." Megatron's voice sneered out disdainfully. "And for your information, Lennox, I still have all my marbles, so to speak."

The speaker crackled out.


"Ow, my head." Ratchet moaned out as he finally got back online. "I had a strange dream – something about Sam having dinner with Megatron and his two officers."

"It wasn't a dream." Lennox told him slowly.

"Aw, slag."

Everyone almost had heart or spark attack at that moment.

Did Optimus Prime just curse?

18) Tattoo

Groaning, Harry woke up in the middle of a pile of bodies. Usually, this would concern him, but right now, he had a headache of epic proportions, his eyes felt as if they were going to fall out of his skull at any given time, his tongue was something ready to be dead and buried and his butt ached something fierce.

Oh, and did we forgot to say he was naked?

He twitched experimentally.

Good. He still had all his parts. Whether they were in a working order, it remained to be seen.

He managed to straighten up when a searing pain in his right buttock made him yowl like a wounded cat and flatten back to the bed.

"Mmh? Harry?" Megatron's voice was groggy and his usually clear eyes were dimmed and bloodshot. At least his voice was deep enough to spare Harry any unwanted mental spikes of pain.

Green eyes glared. "What. Did. You. Do?" Harry hissed out, carefully rolling around to the side.

A wave of agony made him whimper as someone – namely Barricade –thought to bite him in the ass.


"Barricade! Wake up, you slagging ass-muncher!" Harry's voice was sharp, but it was Megatron's head slap that finally got the mech in question in the land of wakefulness.

"Ow! Whu?" Barricade protested blearily, before attempting to go back to Harry's ass – excuse me, sleeping.

"Didn't know you had a taste for my ass now," Harry hissed nastily, before gingerly touching the bitten area. Barricade, even in his holo form, had wickedly sharp teeth.

"Shuddup." Starscream grumbled, his perpetually messy hair now even messier.

But both Megatron and Barricade were transfixed too much by Harry's ass to answer him.

Harry became nervous. "Hey, guys? What did we… um, do?"

Starscream blinked. "Huh… we played Truth or Dare."

"So why does my ass hurt, then?" Harry's question made Starscream blush and smirk at the same time.

"I dared you to get a tattoo on your ass. Happy now?"


Then, Harry slowly turned his head to the smug Barricade.

"And who told you to bite my ass, huh?"


Five days later, Harry glared at the now healed tattoo. It was the Decepticon symbol, done in violet and it covered almost his entire right buttock.

The sign was here to stay, much to the three 'con's smug amusement and Harry's mortification. The next health check would be very interesting, indeed – especially because the entire thing was done in magical ink.

Harry scowled.

Magic sucked.

To be Continued