This was written after seeing so many Exchange Student Sues! and Marauder Sues! This is my lampoon of such Sues! If you write Sues!, please take no offense. Some actually enjoy Sues! I confess that I too once wrote a Sue! but I learned from my mistakes. Please enjoy.
Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter,etc. etc. I am just a weird person who writes/reads fan fiction. We all are.
It was dinner time at Hogwarts and the Great Hall was filled with students enjoying a quiet supper. Over at the Gryffindor table, a group of fifteen year old boys who would later be known as the Marauders were speaking in hushed tones over a meal of meatloaf and mashed potatoes.
"I think I almost did it," James was saying as he tucked into his meal. Through a mouthful of potatoes, he said, "I definitely felt something. Like, a transformation."
"What you felt was the piss in your pants as Filch nearly discovered us," said Sirius, bored of James' incessant need to go on and on about how he almost transformed into an animal. The boys had been trying to learn how to become Animagi so that they could accompany their friend Remus when he transformed into a werewolf every full moon. So far, none of them had managed to complete the feat. Sirius turned his attention to Peter, who was supposed to be the lookout on Wednesday nights.
"Why didn't you tell us Filch was coming?" hissed Sirius. "He almost caught us!"
"I'm sorry," whispered back Peter. "I thought I saw him go into the Charms corridor but then he came out behind that suit of armor."
"It's not your fault, Peter," said Remus as he took a sip of his pumpkin juice. "Filch knows all sorts of secret passage ways that no one else does."
"We need some sort of map," said James as he took a bite of his meatloaf. "Something that can show us all of Hogwarts, including the secret passageways."
Remus slammed his fist down on the table, startling a few of the first years sitting nearby. "That's it! We'll make a map that shows all of Hogwarts and the people so we can know when it's safe to sneak out."
"But when will we do that?" protested Peter. He looked around and lowered his voice. "It's hard enough trying to learn to be an Animagi; now you want us to create an enchanted map."
"We should focus on one thing first," agreed James. "First, let's make the map and then learn how to be Animagi. That's what we need the map for anyway."
Lupin nodded his head and looked to Sirius for his opinion when he realized his friend's attentions were else where.
"What is it?" asked Remus. Sirius cocked his head to Headmaster Dumbledore who was standing up in his seat, waiting to make an announcement. Everyone quickly noticed him and a hush fell over the room. Albus Dumbledore cleared his throat and then spoke.
"I regret to interrupt your dinners but I have an important announcement to make. I have just been informed that our exchange student from Beauxbatons has arrived."
Students immediately began to whisper and murmur at the sound of this news. James, Sirius, and Peter all turned to Remus, who was frowning, for answers. As one of the prefects, Remus was expected to know what the administration was doing before any of the other students.
"I didn't know we were still having exchange students," said Remus to himself. "Still?" asked the three other boys at once. "We were going to do the program," explained Remus. "And the new student was supposed to have come at the beginning of term but she got sick and so it was cancelled but-"
He was interrupted by Dumbledore's pleas for silence. The Hall obliged, knowing Dumbledore would answer all the questions they had.
"I know many of you are surprised that you did not know of this program," said Dumbledore. "But Hogwarts had chosen to participate in an exchange student program with Beauxbatons Academy, in order to foster feelings of magical community. We at Hogwarts were supposed to have sent Miss Sandra Corrigan of Ravenclaw over to Beauxbatons but the program was delayed when Beauxbatons' designated transfer student Mademoiselle Morhange had fallen ill with a case of dragon pox. Because we thought the program fell through, we did not feel it was necessary to inform you of it or send Miss Corrigan over to France. Fortunately, an alternate student has been found and so Miss Corrigan can complete her fifth year at Beauxbatons if she chooses to. Without any further ado, I now present Miss Delacroix of Beauxbatons!"
The doors to the side entrance of the Great Hall opened and a beautiful fifteen year old French girl appeared through the doorway. The Hall was silent as they watched the girl approach the front of the Hall and stand quietly, reveling in all of the attention. She was tall, with raven black locks rolling down her back and wearing light blue silk robes and an amulet around her neck. She had a heart shaped face with intense cobalt blue eyes framed by long eyelashes. Her full lips were tinted pink and curved into a smile.
In the background, Argus Filch emerged from the side door too, carrying the Sorting Hat and a three legged stool. The girl smiled kindly at him and then faced the students again.
"What's he sorting her for?" whispered Sirius to Remus, who replied, "What do you think? They've got to Sort her so they know where she belongs. They've got a different house system at Beauxbatons."
Filch set the stool down and the girl sat down, smoothing her blue silk robes. He then placed the Hat on her head and everyone stayed quiet as they waited to find out which house she would belong to. Finally, the Hat shouted, "GRYFFINDOR!"
The whole Gryffindor table clapped enthusiastically as the girl made her way towards them, never taking her eyes off of James Potter, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew. The boys were thrilled that the beautiful new girl decided to sit with them, but it meant their discussion would have to be put on hold until they could be alone again.
"Hello there," said Sirius to the girl, prepared to flirt. The girl smiled at him and opened her mouth to speak.
" CarmichaelSpanxDelacroix," said the girl in a shrill, squeaky voice that did not match her otherwise perfect self.
The boys stared at her.
"Er, do you mind repeating that?" asked Remus, trying to be polite. "I said," said the girl. "My name is Serenity Ashley Jennifer Serena Laura Legolas Carmelita Deletrius Raven Fyre Carmichael Spanx Delacroix."
Again, the boys stared at her.
"Do you mind if we just call you Serenity?" asked James, who was looking down the table to see if Lily Evans was watching him talk with Serenity. Sadly, she wasn't. Frustrated, James mussed his hair as Serenity Ashley Jennifer Serena Laura Legolas Carmelita Deletrius Raven Fyre Carmichael Spanx Delacroix took the seat next to Peter.
"No, go ahead," chirped Serenity Ashley Jennifer Serena Laura Legolas Carmelita Deletrius Raven Fyre Carmichael Spanx Delacroix. "What are your names?"
"Well, I'm Sirius," said Sirius, pointing to himself. "That's James and Remus and Peter right there."
Peter waved tentatively at Serenity Ashley Jennifer Serena Laura Legolas Carmelita Deletrius Raven Fyre Carmichael Spanx Delacroix who wrinkled her nose as if she had suddenly smelled something bad.
"So, how was your trip?" asked Remus. "To Hogwarts, I mean?"
Serenity Ashley Jennifer Serena Laura Legolas Carmelita Deletrius Raven Fyre Carmichael Spanx Delacroix's smile faltered and she suddenly looked very sad. She buried her face in her hands and her shoulders began to shake with quiet sobs.
"What is it?" asked Peter, concerned. Since he was sitting right next to Serenity Ashley Jennifer Serena Laura Legolas Carmelita Deletrius Raven Fyre Carmichael Spanx Delacroix, he put a hand on her shoulder. Serenity Ashley Jennifer Serena Laura Legolas Carmelita Deletrius Raven Fyre Carmichael Spanx Delacroix flinched and shook off Peter's hand.
"Oh, it's nothing," she said, sniffing. "It's just that...Right before term started, my parents died in a horrible accident."
"Oh, that's awful," said Remus. "How did they die?"
"Murder," said Serenity Ashley Jennifer Serena Laura Legolas Carmelita Deletrius Raven Fyre Carmichael Spanx Delacroix. A perfect tear slid down her cheek and she buried her face into her hands again. Not knowing what to do, Peter decided to try to pat Serenity Ashley Jennifer Serena Laura Legolas Carmelita Deletrius Raven Fyre Carmichael Spanx Delacroix gently on her perfect back.
"Please don't touch me," she snapped at him. Peter withdrew his hand, as if he had been burned. Noticing the confused looks on the other boys' faces, Serenity hastily explained.
"I don't like to be touched," she said. "After my parents died, I had to move in with my horrible aunt and uncle and they've always hated me for being a witch. Especially since I decided to go to Beauxbatons instead of Durmstrang-"
"I know what you mean," said Sirius, patting Serenity Ashley Jennifer Serena Laura Legolas Carmelita Deletrius Raven Fyre Carmichael Spanx Delacroix on her hand. "My parents are complete arses about me being in Gryffindor instead of Slytherin. They think my brother-"
"Yes, I know," said Serenity Ashley Jennifer Serena Laura Legolas Carmelita Deletrius Raven Fyre Carmichael Spanx Delacroix sweetly. "But we're talking about me now, Sirius."
Sirius stared at her and then at her neck. The amulet she was wearing around her neck was emitting a faint blue glow.
"Is your-is your necklace glowing?" asked Sirius incredulously. Serenity Ashley Jennifer Serena Laura Legolas Carmelita Deletrius Raven Fyre Carmichael Spanx Delacroix looked down and let out a happy giggle.
"Oh, that old thing," she said, smiling fondly down at it. "My grandmother gave it to me because I'm the most adorable and beautiful and caring and delightful and elfish and funny and great and holy and intelligent and just and kind and lovely and marvelous and nice and outrageous and perfect and quirky and ravishing and smart and terrific and upbeat and versatile and wonderful and xylophone and youthful and zany girl in the world. Also, I'm the princess of Astoria and it's one of the many royal jewels I'll be in possession of. "
"You're a princess? Of Astoria?" repeated James slowly. "The princess," emphasized Serenity Ashley Jennifer Serena Laura Legolas Carmelita Deletrius Raven Fyre Carmichael Spanx Delacroix. The boys all exchanged looks. Serenity Ashley Jennifer Serena Laura Legolas Carmelita Deletrius Raven Fyre Carmichael Spanx Delacroix suddenly did not seem like an ordinary beautiful exchange student. She seemed like something more and whatever it was, they wanted no part in it.
"I'm also half veela, half elf, half glitter, half hippogriff, half fairy, and half human!" chirped Serenity Ashley Jennifer Serena Laura Legolas Carmelita Deletrius Raven Fyre Carmichael Spanx Delacroix, fluttering her eyelashes.
"Half hippogriff?" asked Sirius, his brow furrowed.
"Half fairy?" wondered James.
"Half glitter?" repeated Peter, confused.
"Wait," said Remus, holding his hand up. "How can you be half of-" He stopped to count on his fingers. "Six things? You're actually one-sixth veela, elf, glitter, hippogriff, fairy, and human."
"That's what I meant," giggled Serenity Ashley Jennifer Serena Laura Legolas Carmelita Deletrius Raven Fyre Carmichael Spanx Delacroix. There was an awkward pause.
"Well... erm...yes," coughed Remus. "We all have a bit of homework to finish up-"
"I'll come with you," said Serenity Ashley Jennifer Serena Laura Legolas Carmelita Deletrius Raven Fyre Carmichael Spanx Delacroix, tossing her black hair over her shoulder. She prepared to stand up.
"No!" shouted James. A few people looked at him funny. He lowered his voice. "I mean, finish your dinner. We'll see you around. Come on!"
The boys sped off so fast to the Gryffindor common room that they actually left past apparitions of themselves.