Attention, all Dissidia staff!

Zidane jolted.

Cloud stopped mowing the lawn.

Sephiroth snored.

Jecht still slept.

Warrior of Light looked up.

Cosmos blinked.

Squall frowned.

Cloud of Darkness woke up.

Tidus grinned.

Cecil cocked his head to the side.

Golbez grunted.

Kuja smirked.

Ex-Death fell out of bed.

Firion quieted.

Onion Knight continued talking.

Bartz smiled.

Garland sat.

Ultimecia rolled her eyes.

Terra whimpered.

The Emperor huffed.

Chaos glared.

Kefka farted.

And grinned.

Uh … okay … anyway, today is maintenance day: But it's not like the previous ones—this time, since Yoshitake has been kind enough to alert the directors, you may appeal to Nomura. This includes the various things you want changed or added to the game. It's first come, first serve after ten o'clock—however, please, think intently about the alterations. Thank you, and have a nice day

They always said that Monday mornings were bad.


Tetsuya Nomura, who was holding a pen in one hand and a coffee mug in the other, sat on his executive chair and smiled at the beaming pirate before him. He always had a fondness for the little guy, his sun-bright smile, his ecstatic voice, his positive demeanor. Sometimes, he didn't understand why he never thought of this character in the early years.

Anyway …

"So, I guess you're up first, Zidane; what is it that you want?"

The teenage rogue showed off another flash of pearly whites before he started. "Okay, okay: So I was thinking about this … this idea, yanno?"

"Okay, go on."

Shuffling his feet, he waved his hands around and further articulated the point he was to make. "How about a giant snow cone machine?"

And Nomura's smile fell off his face.


"A snow cone machine! The thingy-mujiggy you use to poop out different ice flavors!"

" … "

An awfully cheery voice replaced the other awfully cheery voice. "We can so use it to defeat Chaos! I mean, he's swimming around in lava, and doesn't ice beat fire? So I say we attach a giant hose to the thing and let it rip!"

" … "

"Hahaha, awesome, right?"



He barely managed to get the monkey out by throwing a shiny object out the window.


"If only the light could eternally shine upon the darkness."

Massaging his aching eyelids, the aggravated artist groaned to the defensive voice of his first ever Square Enix baby—how in God's name was he supposed to show him that Dissidia required the nice people versus the villains? He resignedly blew on a piece of wayward hair before he spoke. "Look: If the good guys are jumping all over the place, there's no point in the game, all right? Hell, you wouldn't even be born."

"Yes, but the entire universe is bathed in deep shadows; so far, Cosmos has not regained all of her powers."

God damn it, why does the initial game always have the corniest character?

He needed a drink.

"Dissidia is based upon all the goody two-shoes duking it out with the baddies, bub, Luke, John ,whatever the hell you want to call yourself—"

"Warrior of Light."

Shoot, I need to give him a real name.

"And, like every other game, you know that there'll be a happily ever after; just chillax and go on with story mode—"


This discussion was going nowhere.


"Cecil, we went over this already: Just take it like a man."

"Which isn't how you guys represented me!"


So very true.


"They never heed my words, all of them! And Chaos has chosen me!"

Tetsuya rolled his eyes.

What a damn toddler.

"Garland, sometimes in life," he slowly started, careful to choose his words, as the knight's giant sword leaned by his desk, "we, you know, encounter people who just don't appreciate the one-of-a-kind snowflakes we are… "

This was going to be a long talk.


"Yes, Onion Knight?"


The clock ticks away.

His coffee's cold.

And the brat speaks.

"Why am I so short?" he blurted.

Nomura cocked an eyebrow sans expression. "What are you saying?"

"Don't act so dumb, old geezer; you know what I mean."

Old Geezer? What the—I'm in the prime of my life, you little chump!

Only remembering the night he enjoyed Yo-Yo-Ma in Tokyo helped calm his nerves, besides the mantra of IamnotoldIamnotold. "Why ask me this now? You had over ten years to ask me for extra inches."

"You created my entire profile before you brought me to life! How the BEEP was I supposed to tell you then?"

"Sheesh—at least, be glad I gave you intellect, boy, though it seems you have an attitude that overwhelms it; I could just take that away and replace it with Zidane's—" Sorry, kiddo, I don't wanna be mean, but it's true "—brain, and you wouldn't even know it."

Wordlessly, he leaves.

Tetsuya smirks.


One look, and he's already annoyed.

"Welcome, Emperor: I see that you wish for—"

"Silence, fool; no permission was given to you to address my royal presence."

Tetsuya sighed in resignation.

He was too young for this crap.

" … "

"Very well: You may wallow in despair while I explain the mandatory changes needed for the game."

I can't believe I created this douche.

The next sentence happens, and he sincerely battered himself for the torture.

"The entirety of the pawns may perish while I, the regal ruler of the universe, am seated on my imperial throne."

Good thing Firion was in the next room.



Tetsuya rubbed his temples and nodded. "You may dump the moron on the floor."

He did just that.

The Emperor looked pretty damn stately with his head mashed in.

"All right: What is it that you want, Firion?" Aside from being a pretty good bodyguard, that is.

"Well," the other began, a bit uncomfortable and hesitant, "I don't mean to bother you, but I was here to ask if you could settle the matters about … "

"A pause. "Yes?"

"That is … " A tiny flush crept up the apprehensive warrior's face as he attempted to broach his awkward topic; it made the director confused for a second, but he ignored the feeling and gazed at him while taking a quick drink. "Um … "

The air-conditioning clicked on.

" … er … I was wondering if you could stop changing the colors of my crotch-gear."

Tetsuya sprayed out his coffee.


"I-I-I know my alternate outfit is supposed to vastly differ from my original, but could you … " Another blush. "Could you not not make it look as if I have a … erm … a speedo on?"

If this wasn't the highlight of the day, he didn't know what the word meant.


Terra walked in, flushed, and ran back out.

Tetsuya shrugged.


"So … you're saying … "

"That none of my HP attacks are working!"

A frown. "Explain."

"The only way I'm able to hit is when I perform a successful chase attack, man! I mean, Energy Rain? Please—that thing can't hit anyone!"

A bigger frown. "You're sorely mistaken: That thing causes major damage—"

"When it works, and it doesn't! I get close, go "Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!", and then, get a major butt-kicking! Even Ex-Death owns me, and he moves slower than Chaos!"

A giant roar sounded from the waiting lobby.

And an ominous shadow covered the room.

They blink.




Holy crap.


"Um … can I help you?"

Ultimecia gracefully floated into the room, electricity crackling around her as she elegantly looked about before fixing her gaze on the now wary man; by the slight tilt of her mouth and raw power in her eyes, Nomura could tell that she was not very happy.

Well, not happy in the sense that she was not happy as her not-happy self.

"You insolent wretch."

The brunet longingly looked at the emergency escape as if it was an unattainable Christmas gift. "Y-Yes—Eeep!"

A mountainous axe crashed into his desk.

He almost fainted.

"How dare you alter my text font!"

" …. Eh?"

"My words, child! They are no longer capitalized!"

Oh, no: He knew where this was going …

"Ultimeci—" A glare. "Er … my queen?" A bolt of lightning. "Reaper of Time?"

A pause.

Twenty seconds of thoughtfulness.

And a nod.

Tetsuya sweated. "As you know, we got a batch of complaints that capitalizing every word in size thirty-nine Calibri was getting annoyi—strange, I mean."

As soon as an army of sharp arrows swung by his head, he frantically waved his arms around and yelped. "Gaaahhh! I'll do something about it!"

"And what of my 'k's, insolent fool? What of my 'k's?"


"Do you know how six foot one I sound? Well?"


"The taste of mortality lingers on my tongue! Mortality! It is already inconceivable as it is that I cannot even emit said word as i-n-k-o-n-c-e-i-v-a-b-l-e, capitalized!"


"Curse you!"


"C-Curse—How dare you not allow such details?"



He was never going to cater to fans again.


"W-Wow … "

Tetsuya fought back an ocean of tears as he stared emotionally at the silent man before him, gripping his mug tightly while he wondered just how many Korean dramas he watched to produce such sentimentalities. He could really feel the heartache and protection Golbez felt in every action, from his rough exterior that only wanted his brother safe to the hesitancies he had about joining the light. Never had he thought that the little munchkin blob he created could input a wave that showed Dissidia wasn't just a hack-and-slash game: It was something from the heart.

"S-So, buddy," the sniffing brunet progressed, hiding his blotchy face behind a bottle of promo Sephiroth shampoo (don't ask why he even had it), "I guess underneath all that armor and , you're just a big softie, after all."

Nomura swore that he detected a faint blush.

He loved the Japanese rights to major corniness.


Four sighs, and he frowns in exasperation. "Bartz, I can't do it; it just doesn't work that way."

The traveler literally looked O.C.—perhaps he was spending too much time on Cecil's darkness-powers-mujigy-whatever. "Look, Moo-Moo, you have to do something."

"Stop calling me that!"

"At least, it's better than 'Butts'! Do you know I hug Boko every night because my feelings get hurt?"

Awkward silence.

The microwave binged in alert.

"God … look, I'm sorry, all right? But I just can't help that the Jap pronunciation and katakana puts your name in that spot. Just be happy that your name is pronounced correctly in English."

"Why can't you just bring in someone who speaks proper English and Japanese?"

"Because all the fangirls know that Jap seiyuus are the sexiest—just look at the fanlistings for Sephiroth: My own neighbor says that she gets BEEP, and she's a friggin' nun!"

Oh, the drama …



Not this again.

"I just get so frustrated because I could tell that everyone thinks I'm Jessica Simpson, but I'm not."

Patience is a virtue.

Or so he thinks.


"Um, can you tell your little friends to stop doing that?"

The fiendish yellow tentacle-thingy-mabobers continued to squish his face into a one of a fish, cackling evilly as their almost-naked-as-hell master huffed and regarded him coolly.

"Not until I get my other set of nipple petals."

"For the love of God, this game is rated T!"

But then, again, 'T' was loose enough for major cleavage …


"Oh, hey, Kuja—"

"I need a better thong, maybe silk, because this one's too loose and doesn't hug my BEEP right, and I could tell because everyone is saying that Kefka is gayer than me, but he isn't—"

No comment.



Et inanis


Et inanis

Estuans interius

Ira vehementi

Estuans interius

Ira vehem—

"All right! I get it! You get your own theme song!"

"Hehehe … "


"My, what big eyes you have … "

A grunt. "All the better to see BEEP like you."

"Um … wow, what big …. ears you have."

"All the better to hear your screams of pain."

Beads of sweat. "Er … I … wh-what a big blob of darkness you have."

"All the better to drown your light."

Twenty seconds.

Choke-chain fear.

"W-Wh-what b-b-big a-arms you have—"


And Chaos lunges.


Cloud walked in,

And slapped a rubber chocobo on his desk.

"Everyone knows I'm vegetarian! Everyone!"

" …. What?"



Tetsuya narrowly avoided a giant Trine that threatened to pierce him alive. "AHHH! SECURITY!"


Groaning miserably, the exhausted game producer imbued his espresso in a devastated fashion before his head smashed into the desk; it was over, all right. He went through enough bullBEEP for the day, and right after locking up, he was going to go home and have a nice platter of hot wings—

He frowned. Suddenly, his awesomely awesome director skills kicked in as soon as he shut off his laptop—something was missing.

Or rather, someone was missing,.

Nomura shrugged. Hell—maybe FFXIV is really getting to me

And a fireball crashed into his wall.

"What the—"

"Snapping my BEEP nerve, puberty boy!"

The game producer paled.

He knew that voice.

"Just gonna go and jack all my BEEP moves, huh?"

A quick patter of footsteps echoed in the conference room as another firaga, the very same spell, but by another person, burnt a giant crater in the floor. "Save your litanies when you're down."

"Talkin' big, princess."

Wordlessly, the stunned brunet watched the heated rivals clash gunblade against gunblade, cutting faults into the ground and wreaking havoc all over the place. It took a while for him to notice, but then, he began to squeal like a pig.

With his clothes ablaze..

"Stop, drop, and roll! Stop, drop, and roll!"

"That damn fire spell is mine! You really think you could get away this BEEP?"

"As if you ever knew how to use magic."

A single second was all it took for him to scream. "My God! What the hell are you guys doing?"

They ignored him.


A day later, and Tetsuya finds himself locked in the infirmary.

With Cloud Strife, the famous children's book advocate.

"—and Marty the pelican decided to hold hands with Fitzgerald the wombat." A page turns, and it takes all of his manly pride not to bawl as he stares at the emotionless ex-soldier who monotonously reads him his prized five-page novel. "Together," he blandly continues, his face as blank as Zidane's mind, "they headed off towards the sunset. The End."

Nomura cried.