Zack was shaking him like crazy.
"What are you doing here, Cody?"
Zack's voice boomed loudly beside him. His neck was suddenly terribly sore, and so was his waist.
"Man, you were sleeping outside of my room!"
Zack's hand was on his shoulder now, shaking him to wake him up. "You alright, bro?"
He was sitting on the floor in the hallway of the boys' dormitory in a most uncomfortable position. He must have gotten out of shower, and fell asleep as he tried to wait there for Zack.
Cody covered his lips instinctively, and checked his pajamas' top… and Zack's shirt. They were both neatly buttoned; perhaps Zack's was a little messy but all seemed normal, not a trace of severe rummaging or forcible groping.
It was just a dream.
Urghhhhh he should have kissed him... Cody frowned hard with an aching expression on his face and covered his whole face.
"Are you sure you aren't ill?" asked Zack suspiciously, "You look really pale."
Cody looked into Zack's concerned eyes, feeling the tingling sensation in his stomach and his throat as he had done recently at the thought of his brother. Only this time, he remembered the feeling of being held and locked into a corner, their lips inches apart.
He had fallen for Zack, unconsciously. He did not only love him brotherly, but in an excruciatingly romantic way. That made him nauseous. That rendered him senseless towards sweet Bailey. That even transformed him into a maniac craving for his brother's body… Zack's body… in a completely savage way.
This was shameful.
He could not bear the thought of breaking up with Bailey and saying 'I'm sorry, but I seem to have fallen in love with my brother'. He dared not to imagine how she would think of him. Bailey was after all a woman with sensibility and principles. She would not understand how he felt for Zack. And besides, this was morally inacceptable… Truthfully, this was why he never admitted this obsession clearly to himself. He never thought that him, Cody Martin, who had always followed the rules and regulations of everything, would ever dare to cross the line of morality and ethics. He knew he had to rule this possibility out.
He had to hide, or as people put it, 'stay in the closet' forever. Even if this decision would hold him back from being who he was and deny him of the things he truly wanted, he had to seal his lips, burry his feelings, and never mourn for them outwardly. It should be viewed upon as dead, as well as never existed. Even if he knew that a part of him would die along with the feelings, he had no other options.
He felt that his eyes were wet.
"Cody?" Zack waved his hand in front of Cody's slack eyes. "Man, what's wrong? You're officially freaking me out."
He touched Cody's face with his warm fingers and made his brother look at him straight into his eyes. Genuine worries were flashing in Zack's turquoise pupils, and he stretched one arm to grab Cody close to him. With silent hushes, he wiped away Cody's tears. He had never done so before, because it was always their mother's work. But now Carrie wasn't on board…
"Hey, you used to tell me everything, remember? I may have judged once or twice-"
Cody glared at him, still teary-eyed.
"Okay, perhaps I was judgmental upon you all the time, it didn't stop me from solving your problems with you. In my opinion, little bro, us being seventeen doesn't change the fact that we can still share minds like we used to when we were five."
Cody looked at Zack, "I'm not sure if this is a problem that can be solved easily."
"Bro, I always figure out something. I'm Zack Martin, for Christ's sake! Now, why don't you and Marcus swap beds tonight, so you can tell me everything?"
Zackary Martin mesmerized about what had happened.
He waited long in the bathroom, like he was getting ready for something.
Cody didn't wait for him to finish his shower, and fell sound asleep in Zack's bed, looking serene and trouble-free.
Zack walked silently to Cody's side, sitting on the edge of his own bed and looking down on the face he always saw in the mirrors.
Cody had longer eye-lashes, just like he remembered.
If only Cody had known he was watching this morning…
He blamed himself for being cunning. He was never supposed to take advantage of his obviously lovesick brother, even if he had the privileges of getting close to him, even taking care of him…
He never intended to give him that kiss this morning. He had dreamt of kissing him in so many nights in tossing and turnings, so passionately and romantically. Dare he say that it was a misaimed shot? Everything came so quickly he didn't even know what he was doing by grabbing his brother on the wrist until he was inches close with his skin. He did not know that it wasn't a dream. Maybe the chance came as an opportunity to clarify.
Zack told himself, he just needed clarification.
What was he trying to clarify? Why was it so blurry for him to see?
Nothing. No reason.
All along, the cause was of one single person.
It was twisted, of course.
But he had to be honest.
Even if it meant that he would have to jeopardize everything he had, and confess his feelings for Cody, maybe get prepared for his down right rejection, verbal and non-verbal damnation.
But a part of him still hoped. Would his brother accept him? Would they commit this incorrigible crime together?
Would he love him in return?
If Zack had to be honest, then he would need to gamble.
Zack seized Cody's hand and pressed a kiss upon its back.
"If only you knew…"
If only he knew how big of a chance he would succeed.