Shinra Inc. And Alcohol

By: Jason Tandro

Author's Note: For the end of Season 2, I decided to go in a bit of a different direction. I am going to make a sort of semi-musical out of this episode, by splicing in lyrics to popular drinking songs. As such it is the only fanfiction in the Shinra Inc. And series with a soundtrack.

This is probably going to suck, but what the hell, let's try something new!


"Take this job and shove it," Rufus laughed, snapping shut his briefcase and walking down the stairs at 4:59 PM on Friday.

Reeve met him at the bottom of the stairs.

"Good evening, Rufus. Any exciting plans for the weekend?" Reeve asked.

"No. Just gonna get drunk and watch the old 15 million gil big screen HDTV. You know, the usual," Rufus waved casually.

"Ah, yes. Well on that note, the staff was going down to have some drinks at the Goblin's Bar. Were you interested in joining us?" Reeve asked.

"The Goblin's Bar? Really? I didn't know you guys were into that shady place," Rufus shrugged his shoulders, but nodded all the same. "Well I suppose I might as well. After all, their booze gets me drunk just the same."


The Goblin's Bar was, in fact, packed with all the usual faces. Palmer and Heidegger were already drunk and trying their hand at darts. Hojo was chatting animatedly about portal death-rays with Scarlet, who was insisting his idea was just fine, with the exception of one fatal flaw.

"How are you going to train the chipmunks to aim at the bad guy?" Scarlet asked.

The Turks, Reno, Rude and Elena all sat at the bar, swapping stories about their latest dirty deeds. But it seemed somebody was missing.

"Where the hell is Tseng?" Rufus asked.

Elena seemed to grow rigid in her chair at the mention of his name.

"Elena… where's your boyfriend?" Rufus called.

"He's not here," Elena said. "And I better not catch him here."

"What?" Rufus asked.

"He drinks all the time!" Elena cursed. "So I told him it's either the booze or me. I'm sick of cleaning up after him."

"Uh… aren't you drinking right now?" Rufus asked, pointing at the glass in Elena's hand.

"The difference is I know how to control myself," Elena said.

The door swung open behind Rufus, and Tseng entered. Reeve flinched and Rufus glanced back at Elena. Elena and Tseng stared at each other for a moment, and finally Elena marched down the hallway into the women's restroom and locked herself in.

"Well, this should be great," Rufus noted sarcastically as he took his seat.

"How are you holding up Tseng?" Reeve asked.

"I'm not going to let her control me, but the more I think about it…" Tseng stopped himself and took a seat next to them. He looked around the bar and then down at his hands. "Maybe it's better for me this way."

"Listen to me, Tseng," Rufus began. "You can love your woman and want to do what's right. But that's no reason to give up on booze altogether."

"But she is adamant about me quitting!" Tseng continued.

"And what happens if you die tomorrow huh? Which by the way, in your line of work is a very serious possibility," Rufus continued.

"What do you mean?" Tseng asked.

"You die, you go to heaven and you know what, there's no bar service up there. You got to live while you're alive friend," Rufus added taking a sip from the tall mug that the bartender handed him. "Or to put it words you can relate to-"

In heaven there is no beer.

That's why we drink it here.

And when we're gone from here.

Well our friends will be drinking all the beer.

Suddenly the other patrons of the bar jumped up and began to sing along.

In heaven there is no beer.

That's why we drink it here.

And when we're gone from here.

Well our friends will be drinking all the beer.

They continued to chant in "la-las" as the bartender passed around drinks. Rufus shouted at the top of his lungs "next five pitchers are on me!" and the room burst into cheers and applause.

Glasses slid all across the table, one finally landing in front of Tseng. He took a deep breath, lifted the glass and downed the mug in one fantastic gulp. As soon as the glass was clear from his lips he too sang.

In heaven there is no beer.

That's why I'll drink it here.

And when I'm gone from here.

Well my friends will be drinking all the beer.

In heaven there is no beer.

That's why we drink it here.

And when we're gone from here.

Well our friends will be drinking all the beer.

The impromptu song came to an end, and Rufus smiled.

"Hell of chug, Tseng," Rufus said, patting Tseng on the back.

"That even impressed me, and I'm a stout drinker," Heidegger laughed.

"What we need to brighten the mood is some entertainment. Yo, barkeep! Can you break out the open mic?" Reno shouted.

"Why the hell not?" The barkeep grunted. "You just scared all the other regulars away with that song and dance malarkey."

The barkeep pressed a button behind the counter and part of the floor lifted up on the corner of the bar. A small trapdoor opened up in the middle of this and a microphone rose up from it. Lights in the main bar dimmed and a spotlight shone seemingly from nowhere on the microphone.

"Ah!" Reeve said, standing up and walking towards the microphone. "I used to sing a little in college."

"Oh Jesus, Reno I'm never gonna forgive you for this," Rufus cursed.

"I better double down on drinking now," Rude groaned, grabbing the bottle of vodka in front of him.

Reeve adjusted the microphone and after a small series of static whines he closed his eyes and began to sing.

"This is a song called Under the Scotsman's Kilt," Reeve began.

"I'm seriously gonna kick your ass Reno, what the hell," Rufus whined, setting his head down on the table.

Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair

And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share.

He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet,

Then he stumbled off in to the grass to sleep beside the street.

Ring ding diddle-iddle-addio, Ring-die-diddlie-ai-oh.

He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by.

And one says to the other with a twinkle in her eye.

"See yon sleeping Scotsman, so strong and handsome built,

I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt."

Ring ding diddle-iddle-addio, Ring-die-diddlie-ai-oh.

I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt.

They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as can be,

They lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see,

And there behold for them to see beneath this Scottish skirt,

Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.

Ring ding diddle-iddle-addio, Ring-die-diddlie-ai-oh,

Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.

They marveled for a moment, then one said "we must be gone,

Let's leave a present for our friend, before we move along."

As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow,

Around the bonnie star the Scot's kilt did lift and show.

Ring ding diddle-iddle-addio, Ring-die-diddlie-ai-oh,

Around the bonnie star the Scot's kilt did lift and show.

The Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards a tree,

Behind the bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees,

And in a startle voice he cries, to what's before his eyes,

"Oh! Lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize!"

Ring ding diddle-iddle-addio, Ring-die-diddlie-ai-oh,

Oh! Lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize!

Reeve held the last note out so long and high that the air around him seemed tainted. There were a few polite titters at the punch line of this song, punctuated deafeningly by Rufus shouting, "YOU SUCK!"

Reeve slammed the microphone back into the mic stand and took his seat. He downed his beer in an exasperated blur.

"You know I don't understand why people always associate Scots with drinking," Heidegger began. "You should associate Turks with drinking. Military men we drink too. Sometimes…when I am alone at night. I like to think about alcohol…my pain, it goes…"

Heidegger fell over onto his table and began to snore loudly.

"I guess I win by default," Palmer smiles, putting away the darts.

"Okay, so not chipmunks," Hojo continued. "What about super-intelligent orangutans?"

"You still have the problem of training the animals? What's wrong with using humans?" Scarlet demanded.

"Oh… you mean remove their heart and lungs and replacing it with a generator that provides their human shell with sustenance while their human minds are free to think and reason… all while following our orders of course," Hojo suggested.

Scarlet rubbed her chest for a moment and then took a sip from her drink. "No… that's not what I was thinking at all. Why does everything with you have to involve surgery?"

"Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, love. I'm a scientist," Hojo smiled grimly.

"So what are you going to do about this situation with Elena?" Rufus asked.

"I don't know. I love drinking. I love hanging out with you guys. But I also love Elena," Tseng cried, downing another beer.

"If she really loved you she wouldn't be trying to force you to change," said Reeve.

"Yeah, Sucky McLoser over here has a point!" Shouted the inebriated Rufus. "You should march right up to that bathroom door, knock it down, and make wild animal sex with her because you're the man… and the bitch needs to learn her place. You just throw her up against that wall and say 'hay! I'm the… You're… I'm the man here. And you will just… not… you're woman… you just gotta… slap her tig old bitties around… just give her some…"

"Jeez will you shut the hell up?" Reeve shouted.

Rufus began to laugh hysterically for no apparent reason.

"You're pissing me off, man." Tseng cursed.

Rufus continued to laugh and finally Tseng knocked over the display of beer cans that Rufus had been collecting. The remains of each can poured all over him and he cursed in frustration. "Shit."

Tseng walked back to the bathroom door and began to pound fiercely.

I bang on the door but you won't let me in,

Cause you're sick and tired of me reeking of gin.

You locked all the doors to the front to the back,

And you left me a note telling me I should pack.

I walk in the bar and the fellows all cheer.

They order me up, a Whiskey and Beer.

You ask me why I am writing this poem,

Some call it a Tavern but I call it "home."

Fuck you I'm drunk,

Fuck you I'm drunk.

Pour my beer down the sink I've got more in the trunk.

Fuck you I'm drunk,

Fuck you I'm drunk,

And I'm going to be drunk til the next time I'm drunk.

You've given me options, you say I must choose,

'tween you and the liquor well I'll take the booze.

I'll hop on the streetcar down to Sector 5,

Where I'll sit down and exercise my Turkish pride!

Fuck you I'm drunk,

Fuck you I'm drunk.

Pour my beer down the sink I've got more in the trunk.

Fuck you I'm drunk,

Fuck you I'm drunk,

And I'm going to be drunk til the next time I'm drunk.

Elena opened the door with a death glare that the others had never seen before. Tseng smiled back cockily. There was a pub-wide "ooh."

Tseng reached over to the bar and grabbed a beer bottle. Reno, Rude and Palmer all made approving gasps. Tseng popped the top of the beer and downed it in one magnificent chug.

"Yeah!" Reno shouted.

"You are the man!" Rude applauded.

"I'm still covered in beer!" Rufus cried.

Tears of fury streaked across Elena's face and she stormed out of the pub. Scarlet stood up and followed her out.

"Let her go. She always finds a way to ruin the taste of the beer," Rude cursed.

"Oh, save it Rude," Tseng snapped, retaking his seat next to Reeve and Rufus.

Reeve wasn't sure how to break the ice from this tense situation. Fortunately at that moment Rufus puked all over the floor in front of their table.

"Oh for the love of-" The bartender whispered inaudible threats of death under his breath as he grabbed the mop.


"Why is his drinking such a big deal with you, Elena?" Scarlet asked.

"He's always arriving everywhere we go drunk. It seems he only wants to hang out with me whenever there is alcohol to be had. He even called me 'Yuengling' while we were making love one night!" Elena cried.

"That guy has a pretty stressful job," Scarlet suggested.

"Well if alcohol is the thing that's helping him that what I'm I there for? Just arm candy?" Elena asked.

"He does love you, but he doesn't like the idea of being controlled. He's a very stubborn man, Tseng," Scarlet sighed, rubbing her chin.

"If he really did love me, he'd be able to give that stuff up for me," Elena whimpered.

"That's not really a fair thing to say. I'm sure there are some things you'd never give up for a man," Scarlet suggested. "If you want him to change, this isn't the way to do it. Giving him ultimatums, making him feel like crap. You're just going to usher responses like that where he makes an ass of himself."

Elena shrugged her shoulders and shook her head. "Then I don't know what to do."


"Now because I want this microphone to get some good use," Reno said. Reeve crushed a glass with his bare hands. "I have decided to come on up here and sing a little song of my own. Rude will be accompanying me on banjo. This song is called Seven Drunken Nights."

As I came home on Monday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a chocobo outside where my Choco should be
So I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that chocobo outside where my Choco should be?Ah, you're drunk,
you're drunk you silly old fool,
still you can not see
That's a lovely sow that me mother sent to me
Well, many is a day I've traveled a hundred miles or more
But a sow with some feathers on I never seen beforeNow as I came home on Tuesday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a coat behind the door where my old coat should be
So I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that coat behind the door where my old coat should beAh, you're drunk,
you're drunk you silly old fool,
still you can not see
That's a lovely blanket that me mother sent to me
Well, many is a day I've traveled a hundred miles or more
But buttons in a blanket sure I never seen beforeAnd as I went home on Wednesday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a pipe up on the chair where my old pipe should be
Well, I called the wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that pipe up on the chair where my old pipe should beAh, you're drunk,
you're drunk you silly old fool,
still you can not see
That's a lovely tin whistle that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've traveled a hundred miles or more
But tobacco in a tin whistle sure I never seen beforeAnd as I went home on Thursday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw two boots beneath the bed where my two boots should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns those boots beneath the bed where my old boots should beAh, you're drunk,
you're drunk you silly old fool,
still you can not see
They're two lovely Geranium pots me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've traveled a hundred miles or more
But laces in Geranium pots I never seen beforeAnd as I went home on Friday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a head upon the bed where my old head should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that head upon the bed where my old head should beAh, you're drunk,
you're drunk you silly old fool,
Still you can not see
That's a baby boy that my mother send to me
Hey, it's many a day I've traveled a hundred miles or more
But a baby boy with whiskers on I've never seen before.

And as I went home on Saturday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw some shorts upon the floor where my boxer shorts should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns those shorts upon the floor where my boxer shorts should beAh, you're drunk,
you're drunk you silly old fool,
Still you can not see
That's a lovely dishrag that my mother send to me
Hey, it's many a day I've traveled a hundred miles or more
But a dishrag covered in pubic hair I never seen before.

And as I went home on Sunday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw somebody leave my house at a little after three.
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who was that person leaving at a little after three.Ah, you're drunk,
you're drunk you silly old fool,
Still you can not see
That was Reeve Tuesti going out the door at three.
Hey, it's many a day I've traveled a hundred miles or more
But a bureaucrat who can last til three I never I never seen before!

The bar burst out in laughter, even Reeve who didn't seem to mind the cheap shot at his potency. Reno and Rude took a bow and got off the stage. They patted Tseng on the shoulder.

"What time is it?" Tseng asked.

"Uh, about midnight," Reno said, checking his watch.

Palmer was now passed out right alongside Heidegger. Hojo had finally managed to make some headway with Scarlet by creating a fire-breathing, remote-controlled mixer can.

"Now imagine that, but furry!" Hojo said.

"I have to admit that's impressive," Scarlet said, although she was struggling to keep her feet.

Rufus was making his way back from the bathroom, dragging something with him.

"What the hell is that?" Reeve asked.

"Beer pong table!" Rufus shouted.

"Dude!" Rude called. "That's the door to one of the stalls!"

Rufus looked down at the large plastic rectangle and began to laugh. "Why, so it is!"

The bartender slammed his fist on the table. "Damn it, do you have any idea how much it costs to replace those?"

"No," Rufus snapped.

"Excellent, expect an invoice," The bartender said, as visions of riches danced in his head.

"Fine, but in the meantime can you help set this thing up?" Rufus asked.

The bartender shrugged and helped Rufus set the door onto two bar stools. Reno, not missing a beat, grabs fourteen plastic cups from behind the bar. They arrange them in pyramids, six to a side with one cup on the side. They fill the side cups with water and the pyramid cups with beer. Within minutes, six cans of beer are emptied and the table is ready for play.

"What in the world are you doing?" Reeve asked.

"What the hell, you don't know what beer pong is?" Rude asked. "Reno and me versus Rufus and…"

"I'll play!" Scarlet shouted. Hojo seemed mildly annoyed by her shout interrupting him mid-sentence, but she didn't care.

Rufus casually high-fived Scarlet as she walked around the table. Rufus won the first shot against Rude in eye-to-eye. Ironically, his first real shot missed. Scarlet sank the middle cup on the Turks side, and Reno snatched it up.

Rude took the first shot and it barely grazed off the side of the far left cup. Reno's shot was perfectly on target, taking out the front cup. Rufus reached for it, but Scarlet cut him off, grabbing it and downing it in a single gulp.

"Scarlet? I'm impressed. I thought you only drank those fruity foo-foo drinks," Reno nodded.

"So distraction, on or off?" Scarlet asked. Reno cocked his head to the side. "I played a lot in college."

"Uh sure, distract all you like," Reno chuckled.

Scarlet's next shot was pristine, but Rufus still hadn't gotten the hang of the game proper and wildly overshot, hitting Rude in the face. Rude took his next shot, but just before the ball left his hand Scarlet let out an enormous- and entirely fake- sneeze. The ball shook in Rude's hand and flew to the right.

"Excuse me," Scarlet smiled, wiping her nose with a handkerchief.

"Oh they want to play dirty, eh?" Rude asked.

"We can play dirty," Reno smiled.

The next time the shot got around to Scarlet, Reno began to scratch himself vigorously. Scarlet looked away and shot, but naturally missed completely. Scarlet retorted by leaning forward on the table and Rude sat for about a minute before finally taking his shot, which bounced off a cup and into Scarlet, who picked it out casually. Rude responded with a weird sort of hand jive just above the cup up until the exact moment the ball left Scarlet's hand. It bounced off the side.

This manner of dirty gaming continued until finally each side had one cup left. Rude tossed his shot but Scarlet flashed him at the last minute and the ball rolled lamely to the end of the table. Rufus took his shot and missed. Scarlet lined up her shot ignoring Reno who was doing something she couldn't quite understand with two beer cans. Her shot landed perfectly and the game was over.

"Yeah!" Scarlet shouted. "Suck it!"

"Hey, we get redemption!" Rude shouted.

"Naw, forget redemption man. I'm tired," Reno sighed.

"I'm next," Tseng said.

"I guess I'll give it a shot," Reeve nodded, standing up.

"Okay, so winners versus Tseng and Reeve?" Scarlet asked.

Suddenly the pub door opened and Elena came storming in. "I want to play."

Rufus looked over. "Alright, I can sub out I guess."

And he sat down next to Reno who passed him a beer.

"Guys versus girls. Should we go through the formality of actually playing?" Tseng asked, a pointed look at Elena.

"I could play this game blindfolded," Elena snapped back.

"Well then let's go," Tseng retorted.

"Come on guys, this is just a friendly game," Reeve began, but it was pointless.

Tseng and Elena shot on eye-to-eye, but Elena's death glare caused Tseng to quiver. Her shot landed in perfectly. She gave an arrogant little smirk, cocking her head to one side and took her first real shot. It landed perfectly in the front cup.

Scarlet's next shot missed, but just barely. Tseng responded with a perfect shot to the back right cup. Reeve took his first ever shot and, naturally, undershot pathetically. The ball rolled dully down the beer soaked door.

There was no distraction in this match, just pure determination. The cups went down. Scarlet and Reeve were off form, but Tseng and Elena were dead-on, matched perfectly cup for cup. Again, the final battle landed them at one cup a side.

Reeve missed his sixth shot in a row and Tseng finally cursed. "You know what, you suck, Reeve! This is how you make that shot!" He stood up on one leg, the other resting against the side of his knee. "Got a little Cap'n in you?"

He arced his shot beautifully- and missed completely.

"Apparently not," Reeve snapped.

"Shut the fuck up Reeve," Tseng cursed.

Elena took her last shot and it hit perfectly on target. "And that's the game."

Tseng drank the last cup with relish. "I was thirsty anyways."

Elena's death glare seemed to fade a bit. Tseng's did too.

"Oh for god's sake you two!" Rufus said, standing up. "Elena, you need to lay off your man about the drinking. I know you're jealous about him getting drunk and hooking up with other girls, but he doesn't!"

"Wait a minute! That's what you were concerned about?" Tseng asked.

"And you, Tseng!" Rufus shouted. "You may not like what Elena wants from you but you don't gotta be such an asshole about it!"

"But you were telling me that I should!" Tseng shouted.

Rufus rubbed his chin. "Oh yeah. I say a lot of stupid shit when I'm drunk though."

"And only when you're drunk, I suppose," Reeve groaned, shaking his head.

"Elena," Tseng said, walking around the table and grabbing her around the waist. "I never hook up with women at bars."

"Yeah it's true. He's actually a bit of a downer when we all go drinking," Reno nods.

"I'm sorry," Elena sighed, resting her head against his chest. "I just don't want to lose you and I've heard stories about Reno and Rude."

"Yeah you have!" Rude shouted, raising his arms triumphantly.

"Hey guys, I hate to break up the love fest, but it's almost 2 AM. Last call!" The bartender shouted.

"How about a round of beers!" Rufus shouted.

And as the first glass slid down towards him, he stood on his chair and began once again to sing.

I drink beer cause it is good.

I drink beer because I should.

If there was a song to sing.

I'd sing it and beer you'd drink.

Then Tseng joined in.

I drink beer when I am sad.

Cause the beer it makes me glad.

Now there's nothing left to sing.

So let's go drink beer.

The bar echoed with:

Beer is good! Beer is good! Beer is good! And stuff!

Beer is good! Beer is good! Beer is good!

Hojo:

Let's go drink some Beer!

Reno was next.

When it's warm it tastes real crappy,

But cold beer will make me happy.

When I throw up on the floor,

I can go and drink some more.

Followed by Rude.

They say Beer will make me dumb.

It are go good with pizza.

Now that we have drunk some beer.

Let's go drive a car!

Beer is good! Beer is good! Beer is good! And stuff!

Beer is good! Beer is good! Beer is good! Let's go drink some Beer!

Palmer's snores echoed over the silence that followed. Heidegger was next to him muttering. "I am drunk… drunk is me… I am drunk… wheee… I am drunk… drunk is me…"

Reeve roused the two. Heidegger shook with shock as he awoke, but Palmer seemed to still be asleep as he got out from behind the table. The bartender followed them all out and locked the door behind them.

"Well all things considered I probably won't drink that much anymore. Alcohol makes you do stupid things," Tseng sighed.

"Yeah, like singing in public. Who the hell does that?" Rufus asked.

"How about continuing on for 23 additional episodes something that was originally meant as a cheap shot at environmentalists?" Hojo asked.

"Come on, nobody would be that stupid," Reeve consoled Hojo.

"What about plugging other episodes in the middle of newer ones… like constantly?" Scarlet asked.

"Now you guys are just dreaming," Reno replied.

"What about breaking the fourth wall at the end of a story that's already gone on too long to scrape the bottom of the barrel with self-effacing humor?" Palmer asked.

"Okay that's getting old guys, quit it," Rufus groaned.

"How about writing a Christmas special, not completing it and having the last chapter you did complete end on a total downer?" Heidegger asked.

"Jeez enough guys!" Rude shouted.

Suddenly a glowing blue box appeared in front of their eyes. It read:

[Authors Note: See Yes, It's Christmas Again.]

"Talk about an out-of-series experience," Elena shivered.

"What was in that beer?" Rufus cursed.

Author's Note: Music referenced in this fic:

In Heaven There Is No Beer, Fuck You I'm Drunk, Under the Scotsman's Kilt, Seven Drunken Nights and Beer! by Psychostick