Dean finds a letter written by Sam to him when he was in hell and starts to understand the personal hell his little brother went through.

I own nothing. Sam and Dean Winchester are the property of Eric Kripke and CW.

SLASH No likey, no ready.


Dean,

This life without you...I can't do it. It hurts too much. I miss you. I need you. Life without you here, on earth with me, is unbareable.

I hunt each day, going on as I would if you were here. But the nights are what plague me. I can't sleep at night. The motel- no matter which one I'm in- is empty. You're not in the next bed snoring and I can't sleep without that sound. Listening to you snore was the only way I got to sleep at night Dean.

From the day Mom died, to the day you died, you always looked out for me. You were always there for me. You would never let anything or anyone hurt me. And when they did, you kicked their ass and helped me back up. Well Dean, Lilith has hurt me. I need you to kick her ass and help me back up, Dean. I need you. Please Dean. Come back to me. Help me Dean.

I lied, it's not that I can't sleep at night. It's that I don't. It's been three weeks Dean. I haven't slept in five months Dean. Because anytime I fall asleep, I see your body, lying bloody and lifeless on the floor of that family's home. Not even Ruby can help me now. And she's tried Dean. She's tried. Hell even Bobby doesn't know how to help me.

Dean, you remember that time back in Georgia, when we were stuck in that time loop and I watched you die over one hundred and three times? And after that I lived for six months to find that damned trickster to make him take me back to that Wednesday? I hunted every day for six months, non-stop to bring you back Dean. Anger fueled me then Dean. But this isn't like that Dean. Despair is what I feel. Loss. Rage. Hatred. Sadness. But most of all Loss.

The loss of the only family I had left. Loss of loved ones. I lost my mother when I was a baby and I don't remember her. We lost Dad less than two years ago. And I lost you five months ago. I lost my brother. The one person that kept me safe when no one else could. Even when I died, you sold your soul me. Who the hell does that kind of thing Dean? Who? You do Dean. I'm your weakness. And you, are mine. My weakness. Dean, I'd do anything for you. I love you.

And no. Not the way a brother is supposed to be loved by his sibbling. I. Love. You. Dean. Winchester. The way two people that are in love, love each other. I know, you're my brother, you don't love me that way. And that's fine. But I do love you that way Dean. Even if it is one sided. I can live with that. So long as you know that I do love you and that will never change. Ever. If you could just come back to me, I could go on with my life knowing that you were alright and alive, breathing, walking, talking, eating, sleeping, snoring, drinking. Just being. I could deal with you not loving me that way, if you were just here with me.

Dean, I love you.

For ever your's. Even in your death,

Sammy


Dean Winchester read the letter that had fallen out of his brother's wallet and felt his eyes fill with tears. He hadn't felt like this since the night he watched his baby brother get stabbed. His eyes stung and his throat was tight.

It was so painfully easy for him to imagine Sam sitting at a table in some dingy run down motel writing this letter. Jaw set in that tight manner of his, the way it was when he was upset and really intent on something. Tears running down his cheeks and landing on the table of the paper- as there were stained spots in some places of the letter. Those eyes of his glistening in all the emotions he had written about.

Dean could see it all so easily. And that was what hurt him. No, not that he could see it easily. The pain that his brother had felt. Hell Dean knew he had hurt. He lost his brother. No, the pain, not of losing a brother, but of someone he loved. Again. First Jesse, then Dean.

Hell, Dean was surprised Sam had lived through those five months now that he knew. Looking up from the letter, his own tears falling onto the crinkled paper, his green eyes landed on the sleeping form of his baby brother in one of the two beds he had claimed when they had gotten to the motel. How many times had Sammy cried himself to sleep? It had to be not so many if he hadn't slept in those long months. But still? Dean folded up the letter and slid into his own wallet as he stood from his chair and walked over to the bed in which his brother resided. Sitting on the edge he placed a hand on Sam's shoulder and gently shook him awake. Sam rolled over slowly and looked up at his older brother groggily. "Wassamatter?" He mumbled lethargically. "Sammy, why didn't you tell me?" Hazy eyes looked up at him in confusion. "Ask me when I can think straight." Was the groggy reply as Sam rolled back over and fell asleep again.

Dean gave a light chuckle and lifted a hand to Sam's forehead to shift hair from his face as he slept. "Alright then." He stood up again and walked to the crappy makeshift kitchen that accompanied the room. Seeing that they had no ice for what he wanted he picked up the bucket and made for the door, making sure he had his key. When the door was opened Sam shot up in bed and looked at Dean with a scared expression, "Where are you going Dean?" His voice wasn't as thick as it was before, but as clear and as calm as his brother's.

"Just going to get Ice Sammy." He gave a gentle smile and a promise with his eyes and the next words he spoke, "I'll be right back." He didn't move until Sam was laying down and nodded. The look in those hazel eyes still as scared as when he had shot up in bed.

When Dean returned Sam was asleep again so he put the ice beside the small microwave and fixed his drink. Downing it in a few sips he put the glass aside and walked back to Sam's bed and sat beside him once more. "I won't leave you ever again Sammy." He sat back against the headboard and crossed his legs at the ankles, "I promise." Dean's voice was a bit thick now, but not from tiredness, from the tears that were running down his cheeks again. Sam rolled over in his sleep and snuggled into his brother, a very groggy and thick, "You promise?" sliding from between his lips.

Dean ran gentle fingers through his baby brother's hair, "Yeah, Sammy. I promise." The sleeping one sighs contently and settles in beside the one who watches him sleep through the rest of the night with an, "Okay big brother." and one arm draped over Dean's thighs.


A/N Please review. I'd like some feed back. This is my very first Supernatural Fan fic and I'd like to know how I did. Please R&R?