A/N: I've decided to, once again, venture away from my usual Kingdom Hearts fanfiction. So, I hope you all enjoy it. It doesn't really have much of a plot. It's just more of a Dagger reflection. Shontelle's "Impossible" was partly my inspiration for this. I really love Final Fantasy IX. So, tell me what you think?
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy IX or Shontelle's song. This is purely fiction.
I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
Nothing has been the same since he returned.
The day he returned to Alexandria, to me, I was so emotional, so happy. I waited for several years to just catch a glimpse of the blonde hero I fell in love with. Our journey together had proved to me he had good intentions. How could I not fall for those blue eyes, that cheap smile, that rambunctious personality, and his strong will to help people just for the sake of helping. I was one of those people. Yet, what I thought was meaningful only seems to be meaningless.
The day he returned sunrise finally came.
I ran and ran through the castle when I heard the news. My heart was racing and my head was throbbing from my excitement and anxiety. Finally, I thought. Finally, he's come back to me, I thought. I ran down the staircases, the hallways, the rooms, past Steiner and Beatrix, and even through the crowd of peasants. I left the family jewel and completely abandoned what Alexandrian royalty stands for. I did it all for him. I embraced him, hit him, and most of all, I loved him. I loved him with all my heart. And I thought he felt the same for me. But lately, I can't say I feel that way anymore.
You were strong and I was not
My illusion, my mistake
I was careless, I forgot
His time here has been like a daytime. The heat shined down on us relentlessly.
At first, we were inseparable. He'd always be by my side telling me of the things he did while he was away. We shared stories and even a few laughs. Our love seemed to blossom. We would walk around the castle gardens just talking about our lives. We'd talk about the past, the present, and the future. Zidane had plans. He wanted to feel right for the kingdom. He said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and I believed him with all my heart. For so long I desperately waited to hear those words. When he said them, I was overcome by my emotions, my love for him. I acted foolishly; I gave him everything.
Many nights he snuck into my bed chamber and we allowed our love to flourish. My innocent cries and his lustful grunts filled the air in my bedroom until a thick fog of love filled the room. And once the love-making, as he called it, was done, we'd lay in each other's arms and fall asleep. He'd whisper sweet things in my ear as I drifted away. He'd say he loved me. He'd say he was going to work hard to be worthy of my love. He'd say we were going to have many kids. I believed every word. I believed he wanted to be with me.
Then one day something happened.
I was walking down the halls toward the castle library when I found him slumped against the wall. He looked disturbed, tired, and confused. I approached him and tried to comfort him, but he pushed me away. He didn't even look me in the eye before he staggered down the hallway in his daze. I was hurt; I was confused. That night he didn't come. That week I hardly saw him. The moments he did spare for me where short and to the point. He'd ask me how I was doing, I'd say I was all right, and then he'd promise to return later. So, I became determined to find out what was pulling him away from me. I requested that he visit me in my bed chamber a week later, and he did.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't want to have a conversation. All he wanted was to fulfill his lustful urges. I tried to talk to him afterward, but he pushed me away and left. I didn't understand. What had happened to my beloved Zidane? My wonderful Zidane. My loving Zidane. I felt so alone.
The following morning I awoke early and went to where his chamber was. He was there. I thought he was asleep so I slipped in and sat at his bed side and began to speak my mind. I was soft and understanding. I asked for answers; no, I begged for answers. The tears even began to escape my eyes as I poured my heart out to him. That's when I found out he was awake for my entire speech. He grabbed me and hugged me like he used to, and I cried like an infant in his arms. He apologized and sought my forgiveness. I was so relieved. I thought he'd finally come back to me. I was wrong.
After a week of what seemed to be normal behavior, he exploded on me. He began shouting and yelling. It was so out-of-character and I begged him to explain himself. Instead, he only yelled louder. Steiner was practically down the hall when Zidane finally calmed down. He curtly apologized to me and then excused himself. I didn't understand. What had I done wrong? I searched for him the next day, but I only found a note. He left and he wasn't coming back.
He said he was tired of feeling like something he was not. He said he was tired of my desires that he couldn't fulfill. Zidane claimed he wasn't a miracle worker and nobody's savior. I couldn't help but cry. He didn't know how much he meant to me. He didn't know how much he had done for me. I failed in making it clear to him. And this nearly destroyed me.
Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the skyline
All we had is gone now
The time without him with me has been like a slow-setting sun.
Whenever I visit the townspeople I see him among the crowd. He smiles at me and I smile back. I don't want him to see my pain. I don't want to trouble him any longer. He deserves to live his life the way he wants.
Everyone was shocked by our sudden break. I simply stated Zidane wanted a simpler life; I won't say anymore than that. Zidane didn't ask for my silence; I just feel it's more appropriate to keep quiet. My friends respect my silence. Though, sometimes I believe Eiko wants to strangle me.
Nothing is like it was. I miss the days when we were traveling the continents together. I miss the days when he loved me. It's like he's forgotten all that we have been through. It's like he's forgotten all about me. I wonder if he suffers from the memories. Does he even think about them? How could he forget me? Us?
He never told me what happened that day he was in a daze. I wish I could know the source of Zidane's pain, but he was never one to admit his own shortcomings. All I can do is hope and wait for the day he returns to me again. Still, I can't help but wait with a heavy heart. Zidane made it certain in his note that he would not be returning to the castle. At one point, I thought he didn't associate me with the castle. I thought there was hope for us. The way he looks at me in town square states otherwise, though. I can't see the emotion in his blue eyes anymore; they're completely blank to me. Still, I'm going to hope. But part of me already knows, it's over.
Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Now it always feels like eternal nightfall.
It's been months since he left. All I can do is spend my nights crying into the bed we once shared. All I can do is stare at the garden we once strolled through. All I could do is longingly glance at the chair he once occupied at the dinner table. All I can do is meaningless, just like our relationship. Meaningless.