I sighed for the umpteenth time, rolling over and burying my head in the pillow. The conversation kept going on and on in my head, no matter how much I tried to block it out.
"How come you never tell me the truth?"
"You won't understand."
Telling the truth didn't matter to me. Why sound like a whining cry baby when I know no-one will understand what I was going through? When no-one could help me?
"I'll get you someone who would."
"Who do you want to talk to?"
I didn't want him to feel bad, I couldn't help it. I had been feeling very down lately. There was something wrong with me…depression maybe? I wasn't sure.
"No-one, just get lost."
And being the awful jerk I was, I said that. And being the very best friend he was, he just left without saying another word. I thought about saying sorry, but then he'd forgive me so easily. It was better to die with guilt than to get an apology accepted. Something I didn't deserve.
I rolled back over and breathed in deeply. The air around me was fresh and moist. It didn't make me feel better, though. I put my feet on the cold, wooden floor and stood up.
It was only midnight, the moon stood up high in the sky, casting its white light upon the land. I made my way towards the gallery, where I was greeted by a few droplets falling on my face. I had always loved the rain, its touch upon my skin, its sound upon the roof and its smell in the morning as it united with the dry mud on the ground felt like the most wonderful blessing in the world to me.
I reached out a hand to feel more of the tiny droplets on my skin and smiled. The effort it took to just turn the corners of my mouth up surprised me. It shouldn't have though. I hadn't been smiling much lately. I forgot how nice it felt.
For just a few minutes then, I forgot all my worries, forgot everything that had coupled up with many other to cause the weeks of sleepless nights. For these few minutes, I was happy.
But not even happiness lasts forever.
I walked down towards the bed and lay down, disappointed that the rain had stopped. Without even bothering to pull the quilts around me properly, I forced my eyes close. It wasn't long before sleep overcame me.
"Hey, Hils." Max said cheerfully, looking up at me with a smile. I sat down next to him muttered a low 'hi'.
He ignored me. He knew it was that time. It wasn't everyday that I'd be sad. But it wasn't everyday that I was happy either. My constant mood swings had been, apparently, worrying everyone. They had noticed it, I had caught them giving me side-way glances and concerned looks but I had chosen to ignore them. I wasn't gonna tell them anything. Aside from the fact that they won't understand, I couldn't tell them. I wasn't the type of person to talk openly about my problems. And what good was it gonna do anyway? I wasn't gonna distract them from their training with my problems.
I fought with my Mom. It had been happening a lot recently. She was always out on dates with random guys, arriving late at night with a strange look on her face. It's sick, I tell you. I tell her to stop it but she just shrugs me off, saying it wasn't something I would understand. So I would yell and she'd yell back. No-one would apologize but that's just how things were. It is a mother's job to help her daughter with some stuff but half of the time she isn't home. Yeah sure, she pays for the school fee, she'd leave a credit card and a few dollars at home so I could buy whatever I want but parents aren't always for financial support, are they? It worries me sometimes. She'll wake up one day to regret her actions. It was just two days ago that Mom and I had the worst fight. She called me names and said I was being too much controlling and that it was better if I stayed out of her life. I knew she didn't mean it and that she said it cuz she was mad but it hurt. We hadn't talked since then, I wanted to apologize but it felt like she was avoiding me, turning the volume up whenever I passed or pretending to be on the phone. It was bad enough that I was feeling guilty but now I had to stay at Tyson's house because somehow, I got the feeling that it was what she wanted.
The second and the most disturbing of all was the fact that I had a stalker. I flinched inwardly as I thought about Drew. The guy was annoyingly persistent. He'd call, he'd text and he'd even come straight ahead and ask me out whenever I was alone. It was not just annoying, it was abusive. He would threaten to hurt my Mom, somehow knowing exactly where and with whom she was, if I didn't go out on a date with him. Eventually, I would, seeing as how I had no choice. Even after all those nights out, I can't convince him out of stalking me. He was obsessed. I had changed my numbers so many times but he just kept getting his hands on the new ones. I didn't like the way he had control over my life but I was helpless. He said he'll hurt the guys too if I tell anyone or try to call the police. He might have been bluffing but I was afraid to take the risk anyway.
I sighed, wishing I had normal problems like asking my crush out on a date, or some chemistry assignment that I couldn't get.
From the corner of my eyes, I saw Kai glance at me. I composed my features before looking up. He WAS looking at me, concerned apparently. I faked a small smile of reassurance and turned away just in time to see Tyson enter the room.
"Hey guys, breakfasts ready."
Everyone got up and made their way towards the kitchen. I waited till they were gone and it was only me and Tyson in the room. He made an attempt to turn around but I stopped him.
"Tyson, I'm sorry about…what happened yesterday." I said, hinting towards the rude comment I had made and attempting to set things right. It was bad enough everything else was going wrong; I didn't want my social life with the guys to be ruined too. "I didn't mean it."
He turned around before I could read his expression and walked away. I sighed again. Man, it sucks to be me.