Title: The Only One He Ever Loved.
Disclaimer: JKR is the goddess of Harry Potter. I am merely playing with her toys.
Pairings: Sirius/Amaryllis(OC), hinted James/Lily.
Rating: R (More like PG-15)
Warnings: Violence, implied sex, angst, language
Summary: James Potter had Lily Evans. Remus Lupin eventually met Tonks. Peter Pettigrew was a rat unworthy of friendship, let alone love. But what about Sirius Black? Who was the girl Sirius fell in love with? And how did their story begin and end? This is how...
Based on the song She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5.
Title from OotP, CH 36: The Only One He Ever Feared
Beauty queen of only eighteen,
She had some trouble with herself.
He was always there to help her,
She always belonged to someone else.
I drove for miles and miles,
And wound up at your door.
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more.
Sirius ran full pelt down the corridor, thoroughly intent on getting to Transfiguration on time. The corner loomed in front of him suddenly, he attempted to run around the corner with a complicated maneuver that physically forced him to crouch on the stone floor to keep from crashing into a wall.
Instead, he crashed into...her.
"Blimey! I'm sorry." Sirius immediately ducked to help her with her books that had scattered.
The girl- he vaguely registered her sex from the bare knees indicating a skirt under her robes- didn't say anything. She was hiding behind a long mane of flowing golden-blonde hair.
"It's alright," her voice was soft. Like rose petals, Sirius thought absently.
He looked into the brightest and most odd combination of bluish-slate-gray eyes.
A Rosier, his mother's snide, pretentious voice cut through like jagged glass.
Sometimes, the pure-blood notions and introductions he grew up with were difficult to shake off. Even now- after two years of leaving his 'family' behind.
"I'm Sirius," the Gryffindor was compelled to say as he surrendered the last of her books. Although he didn't know why. She was a Slytherin. He shouldn't feel compelled to do anything- except maybe hex them.
She giggled, "I know who you are, Sirius." Her tone suggested he should know who she was too. She tucked her abundant hair behind her ear and now- now Sirius recognized her from the many pure-blood functions his mother would make him go to.
Sirius blinked, all thoughts of Transfiguration gone. "Amaryllis?"
Amaryllis gave a faint half-smile, "Indeed." She stood up, adjusting her green and silver tie.
"Ryllis!" A rough voice barked from the end of the corridor. Amaryllis started, her hand jumping to her left forearm.
Sirius turned around to see Rabastan LeStrange, Evan Rosier, and Severus Snape. It was LeStrange who had spoken. He stood in the center, sneering at Sirius with Rosier and Snape on either side.
Amaryllis brushed past Sirius to stand next to her brother and other two Slytherins.
"Was the blood-traitor a bother?" Rosier asked of his sister.
Sirius rolled his eyes, adjusting the strap of his bag more carefully, wand at the ready just in case.
Really, can't they come up with more creative insults?
Amaryllis didn't look back at the Gryffindor but Sirius could make out her expression from the way she held herself in front of her house-mates: neck stiff, chin out, nose upturned. A haughty tone glazed her answer as all traces of the recently giggly girl vanished. "Of course not."
Snape looked as though he would like to disagree, but Rabastan had already loped an arm around Amaryllis, shooting a domineering glare at Sirius. His message was clear: Mine.
Sirius wouldn't have looked twice, except for that one instant in which Amaryllis turned around under the pretense of checking her bag and shot Sirius a apologetic smile. Sirius froze as those dark blue eyes glanced at him one last time before turning the corner.
Had he just imagined that?
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile.
And she will be loved...
James and Sirius were on their way to the kitchens under James' Invisibility Cloak. The act in-and-of-itself wasn't unusual. N.E. were approaching, meaning late night study session Remus forced them through, meaning late night hunger pangs for the two overly active boys.
What was unusual were the loud, shouting voices from one of the adjacent alcoves.
James and Sirius stopped in their tracks, staring at each other and the darkened alcove. Sirius didn't know how, but he just knew who those voices belonged to.
One of them was the same petal-soft voice that Sirius had kept his ears perked for the last few weeks every time a green and silver clad snake was nearby.
Sirius plucked at James' sleeve, wordlessly indicating he wanted to go closer. James' eyes widened for a second before relenting.
"...Please Rabastan! I...I can't," the words seemed to wrench themselves from her throat.
LeStrange's voice was cold, detached. "Well then, it's none of your bloody business who I fuck then isn't it?" And he left thee alcove with a self-satisfied sneer on his face.
Without thinking, Sirius ducked out from under the Cloak despite James' protests and stood in front of the alcove to find a huddled form in the farthest corner.
Her shoulders were shaking violently. Soft, suppressed sobs wracked her defeated form. Amaryllis' knees were pulled close to her with her head tucked into her arms so that she didn't notice Sirius standing there.
That was fine by Sirius. He hadn't much experience with crying girls- and stuck-up pure-blood were a whole another breed unto themselves.
And yet, you know she isn't like those girls a snide but correct voice spoke in his brain.
It sounded similar to the Sorting Hat's when it had told Sirius he would do great in any house except Slytherin.
Sirius stood watching her silently for exactly thirty seconds. He knew he was intruding, and that this wasn't his place to do or say anything. But even as he told himself that, hot white rage flared up in him like a whiplash of molten lava. He wanted nothing-nothing more than to peel the very flesh off Rabastan LeStrange with his canine teeth. Wanted nothing but to curse the Slytherin seven different ways and leave him rotting in the Acromatulas' nest.
Amaryllis sniffed and raised her head. Her eyes met Sirius' for half a second before he turned quickly to where James was waiting with his heart thudding painfully against his ribcage.
James gave him an odd look, but said nothing as they walked back to Gryffindor tower without their food.
The next day Rabastan LeStrange was sporting the most uncomfortable boils all over his body. James knew from experience that they covered the more delicate parts of the male anatomy as well. And if he saw Sirius' secretive smirk, he didn't say anything except to give him an equally secretive smirk of his own.
Tap on my window, knock on my door.
I want to make you feel beautiful.
I know I tend to get so insecure,
It doesn't matter anymore...
Sirius paced outside the Slytherin common room entrance under James' Invisibility cloak for the fifth time that week, but the courage to cross the threshold of the portal abandoned him every time a Slytherin entered or exited.
Fucking do it, Black. She's just a girl.
But that was it, wasn't it? She wasn't just a girl. She was Evan Rosier's sister. Rabastan LeStange's betrothed. The Slytherin Pure-blood Princess. The-
The girl who was walking in his direction right now. No. Walking to the Slytherin common room entrance was a more likely explanation.
But she was alone. With her head bowed, her long blonde hair falling around her beautifully pointed face like a curtain.
Sirius didn't know what it was about her that made him come back every time. She was...was...she was everything he had run away from. She was everything he had hated from her pure-blood betrothal to the haughty glare she gave anyone of 'lesser' blood in class- Lily in particular.
Sirius should walk away. There was nothing for him here in this dank, cold corridor. Nothing that he needed. Nothing she could give him. If he knew what was good for him, he would walk away.
Sirius hadn't said the word.
He turned around, intrigued. He knew it wasn't any of the Slytherin boys.
A figure stepped out from the flickering shadows and walked towards Amaryllis with predatory grace. Sirius knew that gait. Knew the dark hair, the flashing eyes that flickered as quickly as the shadows the person had just stepped out of. Sirius knew-
"Bellatrix," Amaryllis was frozen. Her knuckles turned white from clutching her books so close to her chest at the apparition of the older woman.
Bellatrix moved behind Amaryllis in one fluid step, slowly caressing the long mane of blonde hair away from the younger girl's face so that her blue eyes shone clearly. As did her fear. But she didn't shiver and step away from Bellatrix's embrace. Even when Bellatrix smoothed away the blonde locks and planted a small kiss on Amaryllis' neck with a sick, twisted smile.
"Hello, my protégé," Bellatrix spoke in a low rasp, shifting at the same time so her back was to Sirius once more. Bellatrix pulled on Amaryllis' left arm, and bowed her head. Amaryllis' eyes fluttered shut in disgust.
Sirius knew she was risking the emotion because Bellatrix couldn't see her. The bowed woman was busy-sniffing? Kissing? Licking?- Amaryllis' forearm.
"Have you been well?" Bellatrix asked, raising her head.
Sirius moved quietly to see both their faces. Bellatrix's still held the same twisted smile as she gazed hungrily at Amaryllis.
"Yes," Amaryllis barely whispered. In fact, had Sirius not been looking at her, he wouldn't have known she spoke at all.
"Good," Bellatrix cooed, stroking the blonde's arm. "Your Master was very pleased with your work on that Mudblood."
Amaryllis' head twitched by the merest fraction. Sirius had observed from afar the past week so keenly, he knew her every gesture. This one meant she wasn't happy about pleasing her Master. Whomsoever they may be.
"Come now," Bellatrix pulled the younger witch towards the shadows from where she had stepped out.
A secret passageway?
Amaryllis followed with lowered eyes and resigned face.
Sirius wished he could do something. He wished he could snatch her from his cousin's grasp and take her to-
What are you saying? She's a Slytherin, for Merlin's sake. She's Bella's protégé!
With those thoughts, Sirius quit the dark corridors for Gryffindor Tower.
If his friends noticed anything odd about his pensive expression, they didn't comment on it. But Sirius noticed knowing glances being exchanged between them.
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain.
Look for the girl with the broken smile,
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile.
And she will be loved...
And she will be loved...
Sirius threw his head back as the early-June sun warmed his face. N.E. were over and the Marauders had come out on the grounds to celebrate their new found freedom. Without warning, Sirius jumped onto James' back, ruffling his already messy hair in rejoice.
"Padfoot!" James shouted, collapsing onto the grass and effectively ensuing a wrestling match that led them to the edge of the Lake.
Sirius knew this game. Whoever fell into a the water was the loser. Remus shook his head at them, tucking himself against the trunk of a tree with another book. Peter, on the other hand, was one of the first to cheer for them, switching sides whenever either of them seemed to be loosing.
Sirius would have won. He knew he would have if not for the flash of golden in the corner of his eye that made him freeze, giving James the opportunity to throw him into the cold water. The loud splash attracted the attention of the Slytherin girls. Some of them tittered behind their dainty hands, But Amaryllis only gave him another one of her half-smiles before fixing her attention back on the glistening water.
Sirius frowned, pushing his long, wet hair out of his face. Sirius Black tolerated many things. Being ignored wasn't one of them.
Sirius slipped into the bushes while James reveled in his victory over Sirius. He transformed into the shaggy black dog he and made his way to the group of girls.
James paused mid-bow when he saw the dog, threw a significant look in Remus and Peter's direction but didn't stop Padfoot.
Padfoot could sense Remus' eyes on him as the black dog gave a loud bark and caught the attention of the Slytherin girls. Most of them shrieked and jumped away from him.
Really, why must people run away from adorable dogs like him? He didn't look menacing...much.
In fact, James had pointed multiple times he would make a much better dog than man. Sirius was never sure if that was a compliment or not.
Amaryllis and one other girl- Aurora something or other- cooed and pet Padfoot.
"Aren't you pretty?" Amaryllis smiled, scratching Padfoot behind his ear.
Padfoot snorted. Pretty? He was handsome, thank you very much.
Aurora giggled. "I don't think he likes you calling him pretty Amaryllis."
"Well, that's too bad-isn't it?" She nuzzled her nose against the shaggy dog. "Isn't it? Yes...because you're beautiful. Where did you come from, anyhow?"
Padfoot barked, tossing his head to the Forbidden Forest.
"I see. So you're a stray, are you?"
Padfoot barked affirmatively even though he knew Amaryllis couldn't understand what he was saying.
"Well, you need a name then. All dogs need a name. How about..." She looked to Auror for a suggestion.
"Cuddles? Because he's so adorably furry and cuddly?" Auror offered.
Padfoot jerked his head away in disdain.
Amaryllis gave another tinkling laugh. "I don't think he likes that name very much. What about Snuffles?"
Padfoot barked in approval. Really, he would have barked in approval even if she wanted to call him Elvendork.
"Snuffles it is." Amaryllis ran her right hand up and down Padfoot's spine. Padfoot stretched, and growled in appreciation. Honestly, he didn't understand why they complained about 'It's a dog's life.' This was amazing. More than amazing: It was highly satisfying.
Padfoot tentatively licked Amaryllis' other hand's fingers.
She smiled with a touch of sadness this time. "Yes, you really are adorable. I wish I could take you home Snuffles." Padfoot whimpered, wanting to ask her why she was so upset. Before he could do more than prod at her knee, Auror hissed under her breath.
Amaryllis spun around. Padfoot mimicked her.
"Ryllis, we must-" he paused, staring at Padfoot in disgust. "What are you doing rolling around with that filthy mutt?" Padfoot snarled, showing all his canines.
Amaryllis ignored him, "What is it Rabastan?"
LeStrange glanced away from Padfoot's sharp teeth. "We must go. My-" he glanced around for prying eyes and ears. When he found none, he continued "-sister-in-law wants you."
An unmistakable shudder passed through Amaryllis. But she said nothing. Amaryllis only stood up, scratched behind Padfoot's ear one last time, and said with that same sad smile, "Wish I could stay with you longer Snuffles."
"Goodbye." And she walked away.
I know where you hide,
Alone in your car.
Know all of the things that make you who you are.
I know that goodbye means nothing at all,
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls.
It was the first time he had seen her outside of Hogwarts. He had known this was a possibility, and perhaps he expected it too.
What he hadn't expected was the sudden thrum of electricity jolting him to the core. Or his heart performing cartwheels in his stomach. Nor did he expect his arm to act of it's own accord, grasp her wrist, and pull her into a side-alley.
Sirius' eyes feasted on her hungrily. His eyes lingered for a moment on her left hand. A wedding band rested there. So she had married.
Nine months hadn't changed her much. She looked the same as always, with a hint of more beauty in her delicate features. Her luscious blonde hair was longer, almost down to her hip, and her dark blue eyes stared at him in surprise. However, she didn't pull out of his firm grasp.
Her breath tickled his face, and it took all of his self-control not to close his eyes and savor this moment. Instead, he let a slow smirk spread across his lips. He knew what that smirk did. He intended to use it to his advantage.
"So you do remember me. From the way you acted in school, I was starting to think you had no idea who I was."
It was Amaryllis' turn to smirk. "You were very popular in the Slytherin common room."
Sirius' eyes flicked to her upturned lips. What he wouldn't give to trace them with the tip of his tongue. "Somehow, you never struck me as the one to indulge in common room gossip."
"You never struck me as the type to pull poor, unsuspecting females into dark alleyways." Her lips twitched into that half-smile that had become so familiar to him in those last few months when simple curiosity had turned into an obsession.
Sirius lowered his voice so he would have lean forward, and vice versa, if she wanted to hear him speak. "What can I say? I'm a man of many sides."
The half-smile vanished, and her dark blue eyes filled with an intense, blazing expression. "Yes, that you are."
Sirius heart now jumped into his throat. Sweet Merlin, what was she doing to him?
Unhinging him, that's what.
Sirius decided to look away from her before he said something he'd regret later. He briefly glanced at the alley entrance. "Where's your honor guard then? I remember they tottered behind like lost puppies if you were gone for half a second."
The smirk came back. "My, my, Black. I wasn't aware you paid attention. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you cared."
Sirius pressed against her, not entirely, but enough to feel the warmth of her chest against his. A coil of sheer, unadulterated want coursed through him. "Maybe I do," he replied hoarsely. He was finding it difficult to breath- and the fuck was his throat so dry?
Amaryllis shivered against him. "I-"
That latest tickle of breath was all he needed. Without thinking, Sirius closed that last inch of gap and kissed her. He nipped and licked at her lips, silently begging for permission. Just when he was about to break away in regret, she parted her lips, allowing him to snake his tongue past to taste every corner of her oh-so-delicious mouth.
It was everything he had fantasized and more. Those soft rosebud lips tasted like the most divine, most expensive and most forbidden wine. He poked and prodded, intent on finding every sensitive spot in her mouth from just one kiss. Sirius pressed his body flush against her, the hand holding onto her left wrist loosened and he pushed back the sleeve to feel her creamy skin. He had almost reached her elbow when she pulled away gasping and panting.
The dark blue had darkened, and were darting to the alley entrance that would lead them to the hustle and bustle of Diagon Alley.
"I can't," she shook her head, pushing him away with surprising amount of strength in her slender body. "We can't." She backed away from him.
"Wait!" Sirius cried in panic. "If- if not here. Meet me at this address. Tonight." He shoved a parchment with his flat address on it. "Please. I can't- this can't be it."
Fucking hell, what had happened to him? He sounded like a pleading puppy- like James.
Her fingers curled around the parchment, but she didn't throw it away. He took that as a good sign. With one last tortured look at him, Amaryllis Disapparated.
Sirius leaned against the brick wall, his body shivering from the after effects of that kiss. Sweet, bollocking Merlin, he was addicted. From just one taste.
Sirius didn't know if she would come. Hell, he was sure she wouldn't come. But he had still kicked Remus out of the flat anyway, asking him to politely, but firmly go to James' house for the night. Remus had understood, even if he didn't know who it was. Sirius didn't think his friend would agree with his choice of company for the night. They had made it clear in school what they thought of his infatuation- obsession, addiction, fascination- with her. They thought he was delusional. Maybe he was.
Maybe he just needed to get it out of his system.
The knock came at exactly eight o'clock.
Sirius had made sure to wear his best gray dress robes knowing they highlighted his eyes. Pure-bloods always paid attention to that kind of thing. She was wearing thee finest robes of periwinkle blue. Sirius thought they suited her perfectly.
"You came," he managed, ushering her into the small flat. His relief was immeasurable. He had also cleaned up. Sirius desperately wanted her approval.
Amaryllis graced him with her half-smile. Sirius wondered if he would ever see the brilliant, full one he had seen directed at her friend whilst at the Slytherin table during those last months at Hogwarts.
If only, Sirius thought not for the first time. If only he had realized her before, they could have had weeks, months maybe when at school. Then he would remember Rabastan- and didn't that kill his wayward thoughts?
Sirius made sure tonight wouldn't be marred by thoughts of the ex-Slytherin and most certain Death Eater.
Sirius led Amaryllis to the kitchen table adorned with levitating candles and rich Moroccan food. They made small talk about school and what they had done since. Her time had been filled with nothing but pure-blood parties, and boring functions. His with Order work.
Sirius didn't tell her that, of course. Instead he told her about Auror training. They steered clear of politics and Voldemort and blood prejudices.
Neutral. They remained neutral the entire night, until it was time for her to go.
Sirius walked her to the door. Amaryllis paused, her hand on the door knob, and turned back to him. She leaned forward and kissed him chastely, but firmly. It was the kind of kiss that help promise of future ones.
Amaryllis was halfway out the door when Sirius recovered from unexpected kiss. He gently touched her elbow. "Will I see you again."
"Yes," she breathed without looking at him and left.
And they did. They met at different times and different places, but never in the Wizarding world where anyone could recognize them. Each time it was for a quick meal, or a tea, or just to meet for a round of drinks in a Muggle pub.
Sirius often wondered what excuses she made to come and see him. He never asked.
It was sometime after James and Lily's wedding when things changed drastically for both of them.
Sirius was already deep asleep when he heard the urgent rap on the door. Remus had gone out on Order business so Sirius was alone in the flat. He walked to the door, wand at the ready.
But it was only Amaryllis. At one in the morning. Amaryllis was drenched from the torrential downpour outside. He quickly ushered- no questions asked.
She walked swiftly into the sitting room, wringing her hands, shivering from the soaked clothes.
Sirius walked closer tentatively. "Lis, what's wrong?"
Amaryllis smashed her lips against Sirius'. He should have known then. He should have known there was no turning back. Amaryllis' kiss was greedy, hungry, and tantalizing, and it traveled straight down Sirius' spine and settled somewhere in his groin. She had never kissed him like this before.
It left him wanting more. More kissing, more skin, more touching. Just...more. So more he had.
The wet robes came off, as did the dress underneath, then the bra, and the underpants. Amaryllis had somehow rid Sirius of his pajama bottoms and boxers in the process as well.
Gasps and moans and groans and sweat and screaming names intermingled as Sirius' body shook to the very center of his core. As he came off his high, muttering sweet nothings and pushing her sweaty hair out of her face, Sirius thought he might love her.
But he never told her.
And he never saw it either, on her left forearm. His only excuse that it had been dark.
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye...
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye...
I don't mind spending everyday,
Out on your corner in the pouring rain.
Sirius dodged another jet of green light, ducked, and shot a Stunner at the hooded Death Eater. He only allowed himself a moment of triumph before turning around to help his best friend who was currently fighting two.
Sirius jumped into the melee unthinkingly. Shield here, counter-curse there, duck, roll, Stun. Dueling came natural to him now after actively fighting two years in the war. He wouldn't admit it to anyone except James but...he lived for these moments.
He shot a Trantallegra to one of them. Sirius laughed he poor sod danced haphazardly, knocking into the Death Eater fighting Lily. The masked Death Eater's hood feel off to reveal long, shiny blonde hair.
Sirius had only half a second of realization in which he shouted a loud "NO!" But Lily had already shot the Reducto, blasting Amaryllis into the solid brick wall behind her, covering her in debris.
Sirius crawled over to her, choking back tears. "No. No, no, no, no, no." He shoved most of the dirt and rocks off her.
No one was paying attention to them: All of them busy fighting each other. Her mask had flown off her face.
"Amaryllis. Please, don't be-" He stopped, watching with bated breath as he eye lids fluttered open, fixing him with that same half-smile, and those same dark blue eyes.
"Sirius," she coughed and pushed her hand through the pile of broken bricks. "I'm sorry." Her voice came out choked and raspy. "I am so, so sorry."
Sirius shook his head, "No. Don't talk. Don't worry, I'll- I'll get you out from underneath these..." he scrambled frantically at the immovable rocks that were most certainly crushing her to death.
"Sirius- Sirius...please." His eyes snapped onto her at the pleading tone. Never had she sounded so weak...so vulnerable. Something flickered behind her eyes. Those soft, warm eyes he had fallen in love with. "I-" The gasped, reaching out her fingers to touch him. He held her hand without hesitation. "I love you," she said, giving him her smile. Not her half-smile, but her full smile. The one he had grown to love in the last year.
"I love you-" the flickering was over taken by dark shadows, as the first drop of rain hit her cheek "-too." But the last word was unheard by her.
Sirius bowed his head, and for the first time since Hogwarts, Sirius wept. Wept for the woman he loved.
Try so hard to say goodbye...
A/N: I've been working on this story for almost a week, and phew! I finally got it right. Please let me know what you thought. I hope I did Sirius justice.