A HIGHLY deranged "Daria" B-Movie fanfic

by Erin Mills

"Daria" ©2010 MTV Networks

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Cosmos has this to say on the subject of the planet Zippotron:

The inhabitants of planet Zippotron may very well be the most creative, artistic, adaptive, devious, and downright sex crazed race in the entire Galaxy.

The Zippotronian Empire is only an empire in the sense that each the thousands of worlds assimilated into it is ruled by one Zippotronian. Otherwise, the individual planets are more or less left to their own devices and the whims of their ruler. Zippotronians are solitary in nature and rarely interact with their own kind once they leave their own planet.

The reason for this self-imposed isolation is simply because of the Zippotronian's unique survival mechanism. They are one-shot shapeshifters. The natural form of a Zippotronian is not that unlike the common Earth armadillo, although Earth armadillos rarely come in a rather fetching aray of attractive designer colors. Zippotronians spend their time designing spaceships, creating fantastic technology and weapons, having ludicrous amounts of sex, inventing new and more effective forms of birth control, and creating some of the most highly coveted and most often illegally downloaded pornography in the Cosmos. But they compensate for this by illegally downloading the pornography of every other race in the Cosmos, so it all works out in the end.

Periodically, young Zippotronians get a desire to go out and see the they do, and they find a partuclar planet they like, the shapeshifting gene kicks in, transforming the Zippotronian into a perfect genetic duplicate of the dominant species of the planet. the Zippotronian becomes, in effect, a native of the planet. Although, their skin still remains rather hard and impervious to most conventional and unconventional weapons.

A Zippotronian infiltrator will tend to keep a low profile, using the technology they bring with them to help blend into the dominant society. After several years of observation, the Zippotronian will send out a signal to other Zippotronians for assistance in subjugating the planet. Since most Zippotronians have at one time or another aided another Zippotronian in planetary conquest, this means they have a veritable armada available when invasion time comes.

The most insidious weapon in the Zippotronian arsenal is not a device of mass destruction, or a planetary demolition device. It is, in fact, the Zippotronian sense of humor.

Zippotronian invasions are largely bloodless, simply because Zippotronian weaponry is not designed to kill, but to humiliate. The sheer lunacy that is the Zippotronian military mindset is usually enough to confuse and confound most native military strategists and cause them to surrender before they know what they're surrendering to.

In the words of one particular pundit, Former Maximum Proconsul of Vexterxalda Jazlar Broost: "It's hard to remain committed to battle when your troops have been turned into Hyperborean Ultra Chickens, your weaponry into municipal community golf courses, and your genitals into a small vegetarian casserole. You don't want to know what happened to the guys who refused to surrender, except I will say you should take a closer look at that really odd statue of the Great Malvosta Six-Week Orgy of Doom that's in the Capitol Square."

But, of the many tales of invasion that are told of the great Zippotronian conquerers, probably none are hailed or as deified as that of J'anro Lanti'cu, otherwise known on her world as Jane Addams Lane, Grand Protectorate of Planet Earth. It is a story of art, science, conquest, resistance, and outright silliness...

And sex. LOTS of sex.

We thought that would get your attention.

It was a bright sunny day in the small suburban town of Lawndale when the first of the flying saucers were spotted moving into orbit arunf the planet Earth. Across the globe, astronomers, soldiers, polticians, and scientist met to shout and scream at each other and generally make a nuisance of themselves. They only agreed on one thing: Until they knew what the hell the alien ships wanted, nobody was going to talk to the media...

Angela Li stared at the special news report on her office TV. She then pressed a button on the underside of her desk. The shelves behind her split and slid aside, revealing an impressive control panel complete with monitors, flashing lights, readouts, and other expensive acoutrements paid for by illegall appropriated funds.

She quickly checked her own readings from the myriad security devices installed around the school, then slumped in her chair. It was true.

"I knew this day would come," she murmured. She spun around in her chair, and grabbed the PA microphone. The students had tobe warned and prepared for the coming of the alien threat.

Little did she realize that the mastermind behind this insidious attack was currently sitting in Mr. O'Neill's senior English class, and had been a student at Lawndale High for years.

The school intercom screeched to life.

"Attention: we are under attack."

As she tried to comprehend the strange announcement, teenage outcast Daria Morgendorffer turned to speak to her best friend Jane Lane and goggled as her friend reached into her backpack and pulled out a futuristic looking Buck Rogers-type weapon. She fired at Mr. O'Neill, who was struck by the radiant purple beam and turned into a four course chicken dinner for a family of six.


Jane grinned down evilly at Daria. "And as my first official act as Grand Protectorate of Earth, i hereby declare Daria Morgendorffer as my Official Consort, Personal Assistant, and Sex Kitten. Any objections, amiga?"

"Does the job entail any kind of slinky costume?" Daria asked.

"Not unless you want it to...but it does mean that if I want it, you have to give it up."

Daria sighed. "No leather or burns, okay?"

"Deal. I'll even throw in a Paingasmer for you to use on the football team. Those are FUN."

Egad! Jane's a sex crazed alien from Planet Zippotron! Is the planet Earth doomed? Will Lawndale High be able to survive if the new Grand Protectorate's straight-C average is threatened? Will Upchuck collapse in a puddle of delight when he learns how massive the Zippotronian sex drive is? Will he be able to handle the blow to his ego when the Grand Protectorate still wants nothing to do with him? And will Daria be able to cope with the Grand Protectorate's new "No Panties for You, Missy!" edict specifically for all bespectactled teenage girls with thirteen letter last names beginning with M?