AN: Ah, my "triumphant" return to after being in self-imposed exile for two freaking years! Also, my first true crackfic. I have an idea running around inside of my head for an actual post-series chapter work that will, you know, not subsume established characterization to the Rules of Funny and/or –Sexy, but I haven't finished the series yet, so it will have to wait.
Oh, and before anyone screams "anachronism," condoms have actually existed for thousands of years. Latex condoms are a recent invention, being that latex is a recent invention, but before that, condoms were made out of animal skins or intestines. (They wouldn't have stopped HIV, but were otherwise very effective.) And now you know. But enough with this crap, on with this smutty comedy…humorous smut-fic…whatever…
Final Note: This story was originally supposed to be a one-shot, but it ended up being some six thousand words (the long-ass Author's Note probably doesn't help), so I've broken it up into four roughly-even bite-size morsels. Please read and review.
Sokka is a Slut (or: Yes, Yes, Yes!)
The girls had been chasing them for several hours, tempers were rising, and Katara had the distinct feeling that they were forgetting something, but that didn't excuse driving Toph off. "We did something bad, Aang."
"I know, Katara."
"Why didn't you try to stop us, Sokka?" Silence. "Sokka?" Katara looked around. "Sokka's not here! When did that happen?"
Several hours earlier…
"I've got to go do some business with a tree stump. Don't leave without me," Sokka said.
Katara mumbled something that was almost in a decipherable language, waving him away.
"Alright. Just so you know," and with that, Sokka stumbled into the woods. Just as he was finishing up, Appa took off. "Appa, no!" Sokka ran back to the campsite, buttoning his pants. "Appa, hey, Appa! You big dumb mattress monster!" Appa didn't hear him, and Sokka sank to his knees, watching the flying bison shrink into the distance. "There is no way that this could possibly get any worse." Just then, he heard the sound of tank treads. "Oh, right; that."
"Oh, look, girls, they must be slipping—they forgot one," Azula said. She nodded at Ty Lee.
Ty Lee jumped out of the tank. "Surrender now, cutie, so I don't have to hurt you, okay?" The boy raised his arms over his head. "Great!" she said perkily. "Say, what's your name?"
"Hey, Azula, isn't he cute?" Ty Lee asked.
Azula studied Sokka, speaking as she did so. "I know what you're thinking, Ty Lee, and…oh, what the hell? He is kind of cute. Hey, Mai, up for a gang rape?"
"Whatever. There isn't anything else to do in that tank but stew in our own sweat."
"Hey, you can't do that!" Sokka said.
"Why not?" Ty Lee asked.
"What if I'm gay?" Sokka asked rhetorically.
"Are you?" Ty Lee asked.
"No, but it's the principle of the thing. Or what if I've got a girlfriend?" Sokka replied.
"Do you?" Ty Lee asked again.
"No, again, principle of the thing. Or what if I simply don't like you?"
"Well, you are my enemies and all, but if I had to say whether or not I hate you enough to turn down a chance to…but that's not the point! I'm trying to tell you that rape's not okay just because it's female on male," Sokka said.
"You make an excellent point, Sokka," Azula said. "Unfortunately, you're forgetting something vital to the situation."
"Yeah, what?" Sokka asked.
"We don't fucking care," Azula said.
Sokka sighed. "Well, fuck it, I did my moral duty—at the risk of talking my way out of an all-girl foursome, too. That ought to, like, quintuple my karma points. Let's do this thing. Can I at least lay my clothes on the ground so I don't get a twig up my butt when you ravish me?"
"Nice try, but we're doing this in the tank, so that we can chase your friends at the same time." Azula said. "Ty Lee, get him inside and strip him. In that order."
Sokka got to his feet, arms still held above his head. "Hey, look at that!" he shouted.
"Where?" Ty Lee asked, looking up at the sky where he was pointing. Sokka ran, but she reached out and pinched his neck, paralyzing him, and he collapsed face-first into the dirt. "Did you just try to run?"
"Loyalty to my friends and a prisoner's duty to escape and all that. You understand," Sokka said dourly with his face in the dirt. "Damn it, karma spirit, whatever you are, was a five minute delay for my friends too much to ask in return for going to my first orgy unable to feel anything?"
"Oh, relax, it'll wear off," Ty Lee said as she lifted him in a fireman carry. She grinned. "And in the mean time, you've still got your mouth."
"I want to see if he can still get it up even if he can't feel anything," Azula said.
"Whichever one of you gets done first, relieve me," Mai said.
Azula and Ty Lee looked at each other, and sort of chuckled. "Oh, I'd be happy to relieve you," Ty Lee teased.
"Get your heads out of the gutter," Mai said. "I meant as in 'take over driving the tank so I can have a turn.'"
They entered the tank. "This is surprisingly spacious," Sokka observed.
"Well, it is a cavalry carrier, after all," Azula said.
Ty Lee set Sokka down in the corner farthest from the giant geckoes and began undressing him. As soon as she had his pants off, Azula reached between his legs and started stroking him. "Oh, look, it's working," she said. "This has all sorts of implications for your talents, Ty Lee. Anyway…" Azula placed a condom on Sokka, "Safety first, you know," disrobed, placed Sokka inside her, and began to ride him. It was strange watching that, feeling nothing.
Then Ty Lee took her pants and underpants off and put her crotch in his face. "Be a good boy and eat your fill," she said, still fumbling with her shirt. Sokka obeyed, and then the shirt was off and she was unwrapping the sarashi from her breasts. It was at this time that feeling began to return to Sokka's body, and feeling was good.
Azula spoke up, breathing heavy: "You realize, of course…that if you cum first…I'm going to hurt you…right, Sokka?"
Sokka pulled his tongue out of Ty Lee: "Hey, I'm just now regaining feeling in that organ, how do you expect me to control it?"
"Less complaining, more doing," Azula ordered.
"Sokka, aren't you forgetting something?" Ty Lee asked leadingly.
"Right, sorry," and he got back to work. He didn't want Azula to hurt him, as he had the distinct impression that she could be quite nasty when she wanted to be, but he didn't think he had enough control in his lower body yet to delay himself. Well, I'll just have to bring her faster, then. He did his usual mental calculations in order to distract himself from coming (stumbling, as usual, where it came to doing square roots), but as he did so, he tried moving his fingers, found he could, and began rubbing her clit in a manner that he'd learned.
"Oh, yes; good boy," Azula purred. "Oh, yes; oh, yes." Ty Lee was also moaning, but not as much; Sokka was concentrating more on getting Azula to come, so that she'd go. He began to move his hips in a circular pattern. "Oh, yes, yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes!" Azula shuddered.
"You just came," Ty Lee said. "I felt you through him."
"Yeah, I've told you that actually saying that is creepy, right?" Azula asked rhetorically. She got up, not bothering to wait for Sokka to come, too. "Just don't use him up too fast; I want there to be something left for my next turn." She dressed and left. Sokka began to wonder if he wasn't in way over his head.
"Azula didn't wait for you to finish, did she?" Ty Lee asked. "That was inconsiderate of her. Don't worry; I'm more considerate." And with that she flipped over and sixty-nined him.
Mai came out. "Um, Ty Lee? Are you, you know, sucking on the same condom that was just inside Azula?"
"Well, that's not gross or anything. I think I'll wait until you're done, though, if it's all the same to you, before I hop on."
Sokka came. Ty Lee sat up. "You're so unadventurous, Mai. Why don't you—oh, yes!" She shuddered with orgasm, and got off Sokka's face. "I'm done." She then turned around and kissed him, and Sokka could taste Azula.
"I suppose that counts," and Mai placed Sokka inside her. "This is barely getting started, boy."
AN: During the course of writing this story, I actually went back and re-wrote this last scene three times, making it longer each time, every time ostensibly to add in what would have been the beginning of a running gag, and each time deigning not to. (Sokka was going to ask if anyone knew the square root of point-five-one; it would have made sense in the context it's not going to have.)
Also, I'm serious about R&R'ing. Half of my fics (literally) are on more fav lists than they've got reviews (just think about that for a second…yeah) (and many of those are on way more fav lists), and it gets annoying after a while.
BTW, it gets funnier.